Very different sex drive

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Flame, Dec 24, 2010.

  1. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    What do you do if you have a much higher libido than your spouse? I think that in any good relationship, friendship, partnership or marriage neither party should be made to sacrifice everything for the other so how do you compromise on how often you "should" have sex?

    I need sex (or rather something sexual; it doesn't have to be actual sexual intercourse) at least once a day every day but my husband would be very happy to go a few weeks between each time.

    To those of you in mixed-libido relationships, how do you compromise so that you don't feel like you are constantly pestering or being pestered for sex?
     
  2. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Have more alone time? Or if they would want to join your alone time they can watch...and eventually might help out...?
    But a few weeks isn't right...
    Are you having a low in your relationship too? Because that might make him less inclined to get in the sack with you. Or health issues?
     
  3. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    First, the one with the low libido needs to acknowledge their partner's sexual needs as legitimate, and realize that loneliness brought on by a reluctance to "pester" is very dangerous to the long-term health of the relationship.

    OK, so his libido is low, and yours is high. If his body can't (or won't) match your level of interest, he owes it to you to at least offer some sexual affection (be it oral sex, or at least getting you off with his fingers) on a regular basis, preferably without you having to ask for it every time, and certainly w/out you feeling like you are imposing when you do ask for it.

    I think if you can make it past that hurdle, then it's possible to be content in and with the relationship. However, if he can't even give you that much unbegrudgingly, I believe the relationship is headed for serious trouble - unfulfilled loneliness and bitterness, infidelity, or maybe even eventual breakup.
     
  4. Trond

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    This seems to be a very common problem. It's very often the other way round (men complaining about lack of sex) but some other women have also reported the same conundrum. Some men may cope through the use of porn, but I am not sure if this would work or if it is even desirable for women. The good news for women is that men are often less complicated sexually; we can get turned on by visual cues such as cleavage for instance. It's actually a bit unfair: few things are considered as unattractive as a man's butt crack, but with women it's a whole different story :lol. Some women do not feel attractive enough to pull this off, but the problem is most often in their heads rather than their bodies. Perhaps you already tried this, but I would recommend trying to turn him on rather than asking for sex. If it still doesn't work, and your relationship is still worth saving, then you may just have to learn to live with less sex. Sounds depressing, but I certainly will never get as much as I want. :ugh
     
  5. igor

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    We don't compromise - we just don't have sex. There are both physical and mental issues with the wife. After several failed attempts to initiate sex, we haven't done a thing for 10 months. So yeah - I look at porn and have an occasional sexy chat and take care of my own urges.
     
  6. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    So many people go without sex it makes me sad!!!!
    I think that if you really loved someone, unless you had an abuse issue- for which that person knew what they were dealing with when they signed up, that they should be loving enough to at least service the other person in SOME form on a common basis.
    I'm not saying every day...you could service yourself daily, but have the partner help you out maybe once a week at least, depending on how much your need is.

    I do know that sometimes women fall into spells of being utterly SO not interested in sex and loathing it and everything about it, and it's weird because sometimes there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. But I still think as a loving partner, she should attempt to satisfy her partner in some way! Just occasionally.

    No joint sexual action in 10 months is torture! :( Poor igor.
     
  7. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    I agree!

    luckily, my man and I both have high sex drives and that usually doesn't change.. but if one of us really isn't in the mood, we know how to get each other all hot and bothered and ready :)
     
  8. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    johndeeregirl - same! ;) Unless i go through one of my weird dry spells that don't last very long anyway! between a few hours to a few days. I want it several times a day. I'm dying because it's been 4 weeks since i went to his place! GAH! (can't at mine i live with religious parents who watch us like a hawk)
    I'll wait ... for our anniversary. :( wah!
     
  9. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    Oh he knows how I feel; we talk about it fairly often. And he doesn't have any medical problems, as far as we both know... Of course I don't let him go weeks without having sex - I can't go that long!!! - but he would be happy to.
     
  10. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    Alone time works well but I really need that anyway plus regular sex! Sometimes he does join me but most of the time he just leaves me to his own devises which is a bit of a mystery to me because I thought that a woman touching herself was supposed to be highly erotic to a man...

    Nope, our relationship, in all other aspects is truly amazing which is why I have stayed with him and will stay with him. We have an incredibly happy marriage and although I think that we are not entirely compatible sexually, everything else is so great!
     
  11. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Flame - to most men, yes, it is erotic. That might be a problem if that isn't winding him up? Maybe try to down tone it a lot, seem disinterested - because it might be a whole reverse psychology thing. I mean, if he knows you're there when ever he wants it, it might be too predictable. Shake it up!
    Like if i were you i'd try laying low and being anti-sexual (at least around him) so he is wiped from the thought, then when he starts getting randy- still seemed disinterested. So he knows he can't get you every time. Then surprise attack him like be in the kitchen and call him in, he walks in and woops, your naked on a chair -hit play on the stereo to some strip tease music, and give him a show.
    I think it's a lovely idea i'd like to try for my future husband one day when were in the middle of a dry spell! :)

    Perhaps he has a physical issue, and might wanna see a gp about it?

    Good luck on it! I hope his libido perks up for you! :)
     
  12. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    This is a mystery to me, too! And it isn't the first time I've heard a woman talk about her disinterested man, even when she was in bed beside him, pleasuring herself. But I am always amazed at that scenario, as, personally, I can't imagine staying that disinterested (although I have fantasized about being told I could only watch, and then suffering with a massive, throbbing hard-on. What can I say? I have a liking for wicked seductresses...)

    Anyway, I'm only saying that, for most men, I think a woman touching herself IS highly erotic, so you had no misconception there. I hope this works out for you somehow, and sooner rather than later.
     
  13. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    The thing is, I really don't want him to just "get me off" as I can do that extremely well myself *grins*. What I really want is for him to be hungry for me and actively seek me out.

    But my main question is not really, "How can I get more sex from him?" (although that would be nice!) but, "How can he and figure out what to do so that we are both satisfied with our sex lives?"

    I don't feel that either one of us should adapt completely to the other's needs or desires. If this were not sex, if it were any other activity, I wouldn't be waiting for him; I would have found myself other friends who shared my passion!
     
  14. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    can I ask something.. how old is he?
     
  15. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    I have tried it, yes! I agree that it's far more sexy to show the other person that you are in the mood, rather than just saying that you want sex :D . The problem is that my husband has no particular trigger, as some men do. I can't just wear something sexy or do or say something sexy to get him going.

    I know that I will have to live with less sex than I would ideally like (and less adventurous sex, too...) but that is ok; compromise is necessary in a relationship. I wonder though how much compromise is normal and where I should draw the line!
     
  16. lbushwalker

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    Flame, I feel your frustration and unmet need and would love to give you some positive advice and reassurance but fear that such sexual imbalance can only lead to seeking an alternative outlet.
    It is sad and emotional wasteful that you have drawn a short straw.
     
  17. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    ibushwalker- this isn't such a bad idea.

    I mean ask him about it? Some males are quite alright with open relationships, you just need to set out rules.

    If that is out of the question, maybe you can ask him, what turns him on. Or say "remember when we were young, what turned you on a lot?" and go from there :)
     
  18. GreyGoose

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    I'm like you I need something sexual daily but my girl can go weeks without nothing. Honestly it drives me crazy I tried talkin to her but she gets mad saying the relationship is more then sex. So I pretty much just deal with it and still try nightly to get some satisfaction from her.
     
  19. spin_74

    spin_74 New Member

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    Maybe try some fantasy role play. Buy some wigs and create some alternate personalities. Try to create some new sexual experiences to bring back the excitement.

    If everything you try fails. Hire a p.i. to follow him around. I don't know any guys that will go two weeks without sex by choice.
     
  20. AlexPrince

    AlexPrince Member

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    Okay, first of all, to all of you who say that one should sacrifice for the other, I am completely against that.

    Seriously? I have a really high sex drive, I could go for sex all the time while my sex partner can go years without it (she had until I came a long) and now that we're having a sexual relationship, we have sex once or twice a week, sometimes once or twice a month.
    I do feel like I pester her as well about sex (because I'm in the mood all the time) but I do not feel it is her RESPONSIBILITY to get me off in any way.
    My sex drive is my responsibility, when I feel a build up of sexual energy, and I feel myself become overwhelmed with it, I got and do something that gets me off the best way.
    For example, I write erotic stories, I masturbate, I do anal play, I give myself dates (with a happy ending), massage etc. And you know what? I can do a lot of these things alone, and they keep me happy.

    What i suggest is for you to take responsibility for your sex drive and buy sex toys, watch porn, masturbate, or use that sex drive energy in a different way. And remember that when your partner comes to you and wants sex, you're not obliged to have sex with him either. If you do want to, go for it, and if you don't, there are alternatives