Use it or lose it?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Lusty Dreams, Sep 13, 2006.

  1. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    I was thinking about this last night, and thought it was worth posting here.

    In the past 6 months, as most of you know, my sex life w/ hubby has been aweful. We are both in our late 20's, and have sex less than once a week.
    We had sex last Monday, only b/c of the holiday, and that ended a 3.5 week wait. I mean, it had been 3.5 weeks before we had sex. Anyway, it has been like that in the past 6 months.

    I have talked so many times to him about myself being able to finish, since I have never had an orgasm w/ him. And I swear, he hasn't done one thing about it, or even talked to me. I can't understand. How can a man that says he "loves me so much" not take time out to figure out what will make me cum?

    I thought about yall last Monday. Like I said, it had been 3.5 weeks since we had sex. We went walking on a wooded trail, a strenous 3 mile in the mountains. Well, he got aroused towards the end, and I decided to go ahead and have sex. So, we were facing each other, standing up, and he slid inside me, and I swear to you all about this.....it took him less than 20 seconds before he came. He came, pulled up his pants, and was like, ready to finish this trail??? I thought I would die. WTF am I? A complete masturbation tool for him?

    You all just don't realize how utterly frustrated I am w/ his unconcern about
    our sex life. I feel so ripped off, and I feel like my pussy is going to ROT the hell off my body. He makes me feel so unsexy and sad sometimes. HOW can he go w/o sex for so long and NOT show any concern about it, OR talk about it???????????????? And how can you try to talk to someone that doesn't want to talk about it? What is he feeling? Why isn't our sex life important to him? His canned answer is always something like, "Well, you are always so negative about sex" That isn't true as I tell him he feels so good, which he does. How can he live w/ that being his excuse for the current problems? How long can a couple go w/o ever having sex? I feel like we are just really good friends. I haven't had a sexual kiss in so long, months. And it is really causing me some issues. I mean, if you can't have a good sloppy kiss, you know something is wrong. I mean shit, is he gay? Or cheating?

    He finally admitted to masturbating the other day. It was like trying to pull teeth. I was trying to get him to tell me, to turn me on, but he acted like a 14 year old that just got caught :( When he swears he doesn't masturbate, he doesn't realize his lieing insults my intelligence 100x over.

    I swear I think I am going to hire a PI.

    When I try to talk to him, he clams up like a mute person. He says he can't talk to me, he feels that we will argue. Personally...I think he has something to hide. His defensiveness alerts my gut instincts.

    Any insight??
     
    #1 Lusty Dreams, Sep 13, 2006
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2006
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Geez, Lusty... first of all, I feel so bad for you. You obviously want your marriage and relationship to be more than roommates.

    You could very well have hit the nail on the head with your suspicions of homosexual tendancies or an affair. He can't deal with being honest to himself, much less you.

    Perhaps just go at it from a 'motherly' standpoint. . .

    If you play the "affair" card, let him know that sometimes people feel the need to 'refresh' their self esteem with someone new --- and perhaps it has gotten out of hand, and his emotions have crept into the thing.

    If you play the "gay" card, let him know that learning new things about his sexuality is not a bad thing. He can talk to you about it - work with it, and through it, if he desires.

    the main thing, I suppose, is to let him know that "the not-knowing" is killing you. You would rather have a reason for his lack of interest. The way it is going so far, you can't help but think it's something you've done or are doing, and you don't think that's fair to you.

    Keep it open and non-judgmental, as much as possible. I say that with ease, but I'm sure it will be hard. I just hope you can get some sort of meaningful dialogue going on. Good luck, my cyber-friend!

    :rose
     
  3. Joe

    Joe
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    Gut instincts often are correct, but I was married to my first wife for 27 years, and there was NO sex for the last 12 years or so (and very little for the 10 years before that). To this day I don't think she was cheating or gay, but neither do I know why it was that way. I asked her once, after about a decade without sex, if we couldn't just try it again. Her response: "No, you'd not be satisfied; you'd just want to do it again." Some people just have a very low sex drive. There might be a medical problem, maybe low testosterone, or it could be psychological. Cheating doesn't always result in less sex with the innocent spouse, just more for the cheating spouse.
     
  4. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Lusty, you are such a sweetheart and I think that the problem is with HIM and NOT with you, of course! I agree with what Rose and Joe said above. What I would suggest is trying to find a good (and female) counselor in order to start to talk about this situation in a mentally healthy way. Given the incidence of sexually transmitted disease (especially here in Virginia which seems to have become the STD capitol of the US), I would suggest telling him that you HOPE that he is not having an affair but that if he is, he best not be giving you any STDs when and if you make love again or ELSE. I would talk to the counselor first and try to get him engaged in counseling, however, if he just won't go, just won't cooperate, very sadly, that may mean it IS time to talk with an attorney (just to set the stage in case divorce becomes necessary in order to protect yourself) and might be time for an attorney to have him checked out by a PI if this keeps on. If you all are attending a church, in addition to talking with a counselor, it might also be a good idea to talk with a Minister about this as well. If you two go to the same physician, it might be a good idea to talk with the physician too. I would kindly suggest the counselor, minister and physician consultations before checking with an attorney. In any case, at this point, I don't think that you need to be handling this alone any more. I think that it is time to get some support. I'll be praying for you and please wrap your arms around yourself and pretend that it is a big hug from me, sweet lady!
     
  5. Bluesy

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    I think you should approach it in exactly the manner Rose has outlined. I really have nothing to add...just my sympathy. I hope it all works out for you.
     
  6. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Thank you all for your help and concern about these issues. I agree there is a huge problem here between us both. I really don't know what's going on. The past few nights, we have went to bed at seperate times, and not said good night or anything. But yet every morning, he will hug me and tell me he loves me and act as if there is nothing wrong. And he will send me emails throughout the day telling me he loves me ect. So that is why this is so strange.

    HE KNOWS there is a problem and has acknowledged it, but won't take any action against it. It's like he wants to ignore the underlying problems, and I can't understand why. A relationship w/ no sex is bad enough, but when 2 can't even talk, get along, or go to bed at the same time, you know its rough.

    Rose, I have tried to talk to him numerous times. Nothing ever changes. A big part of it, is I feel like I have to be the constant mother. Nothing gets cleaned, picked up, fed, or anything done to it, unless I DO IT. And I am getting VERY tired of that. Very angry inside. And I believe my resentment has grown a lot larger than I thought it was. He is like damn Miracle Grow for my anger plants :uhh:

    I am not saying NONE of this is my fault, some of it is, b/c it takes 2....but I am have admitted my faults, and confronted them.

    We are both going to an *event* this weekend, a hobby we have in common w/ some other friends. I am NOT looking forward to even being in the same hotel ROOM with him :( I feel so tense around him.

    If I knew he was suffering mentally and had issues he wanted to talk about,
    I couldn't rest until we had them talked about and out in the open. Why is he so care free/easy going w/ my feelings? Like it is something I am going to just "get over" eventually?

    Does he just not LOVE me or does he not love me or not care about me the way he should?

    I don't want to have a divorce. But it seems so tense in our house when we are both in there. It is BAD when you feel relaxed when the other has to run out or go somewhere. I don't even know what missing him feels like anymore, b/c I know as soon as we are together, we are going to argue or fight.

    And quite frankly, I am tired of letting my sexuality be completely dead. I am a sexual woman and love to please. But I have to have an appreciative man to give those things to. Otherwise, why bother?

    Thanks for all of your replies.
     
  7. Jayce

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    I'm not married or would have any experience with this, and I know you hate being the mother, but what do you think about just walking up to him when he comes home from work in a robe with nothing on under? There have been times I'm truly not in the mood, yet my girlfriend would do something like that. I also have dreams of coming home to see her in her typical outfit from work (knee length skirt) and just have her sit on my lap when I come home only to realize she's got nothing on underneath.

    Again, I don't have much experience in this department, but I was just wondering about what his reaction would be if you did something like this. I mean it would just be so blunt, and impossible for any guy to turn down.
     
  8. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Well, I could very well do that. I am sure he would be horny, we would have sex, I doubt I would get any foreplay as usual, and it would all be said and done in like 10 minutes. And what would that prove, and what would I gain?

    I'd be giving it up, and then he would think he couldn't be doing anything wrong if I had sex w/ him. He would think he could keep on the way everything has been lately, since I had sex, I must be happy, and he must be doing something right...right?

    I can't just have sex if I don't feel loved and cared for. It just doesn't work that way for me :ugh
     
  9. Jayce

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    Hm, why don't you try being downright dominant? Tell him what he's GOING to do to you. Tell him exactly what he'll get if he does those things to you. Be the boss, and tease the shit out of him.

    Think of it this way. If your dog sits down and shakes his paw, he gets a treat. Why not incorporate something similar to the bedroom to try and get things jumpstarted? And no, I don't mean put him on a leash and bark. :lol

    As I said, just be dominant. I mean, if I were in your position I'd be doing everything possible to get it jumpstarted. If my wife walked up to me in the sexiest lingerie covered by a robe, then dropped the robe as her tongue went down my throat, THEN she demanded I do certain things to her or I won't get what I want, hell I'd be on my knees begging. But that's just me... your hubby may be different.

    But it looks like you're at the end of the rope. Maybe you got one more trick up that sleeve? ;)
     
  10. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Well, I could try that, but it would take drugs :lol B/c his actions do so much to turn me off. And he thinks I am stupid, b/c he told me hasn't jacked off'd in weeks. HOW stupid does he think I am. Maybe he hasn't but someone else has for him, so maybe he isn't lying? See what I mean?
    I would almost feel degraged and feel desperate to jump his bones right now. Shit, I bet my junk would tighten and refuse to let him in at the site of his dick :D

    Nah, in all seriousness, this isn't all sexual, although a big part of it is. Someone tell me WHY HE IS IGNORING our problems? HOW can a man act like this when he knows his wife is hurting :( :eek:
     
  11. rene48

    rene48 New Member

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    He finally admitted to masturbating the other day. It was like trying to pull teeth. I was trying to get him to tell me, to turn me on, but he acted like a 14 year old that just got caught When he swears he doesn't masturbate, he doesn't realize his lieing insults my intelligence 100x over.
    ==
    I wonder if you could ask him what he was thinking of when he mentioned masturbating. You, another woman, perhaps a male friend, who knows?. I doubt he'd answer you though.
    I've lived with this for many years. I've given up until hubby wants it. Then when he does, it's me that doesn't want it. I know this is unpopular but I found a guy that I date now and then. I didn't want a divorce, we have grown kids, we have a dream home, all the necessities of the American life. I can't tell you to do this as many readers wouldn't approve and against God's will. Some men, AND women ....have very low sex drives and I happened to marry one. ...Keep posting this story, I'd like to know how all of this turns out, as many others as well. My best to you dear.
     
  12. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    I don't know if anybody read my post above. If you did, I wanted to explain that my personality has sort of "two modes", so to speak. One is very warm, caring and kind, however, when someone or something I care about is threatened, I tend to switch to a "tactical mode", become very objective and start thinking of "attack/defense options", etc. so to speak. I didn't mean to overdo my advice to Lusty Dreams, however, on the other hand, I have come to care about the SF folk and feel some concern for Lusty Dreams. My main concern, in any situation like this, is that if one spouse or "life partner" is being unfaithful, there can often times be a much greater risk of disease. Sadly, some people's libido tends to "switch off" their caution. I hope that Lusty's husband is not one of those people, however, the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases becoming much greater these days (especially in the state in which we live). Many moons ago, back in the day, you might get "the clap" but some antibiotics would take care of that, however, nowadays, you can get some diseases which you cannot get rid of and some people keep on having sex, without telling their partners, even though they have such diseases. Again, I HOPE that Lusty's husband is not one of those kinds of people, however, I have seen things like that happen (see, that's what happens as you get older - you see and hear of a lot more things and it tends to make you more cautious, at least, some people become more cautious). I HOPE that Lusty's husband just has a low sex drive or just is dealing with (unfortunate as that is if he does) depression or some such. However, on the other hand, if he IS being unfaithful, I would just like to see Lusty protected and supported in order to minimize, as much as possible, any harm to her. Lusty, please take care and please let us know how things are going!
     
  13. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Well, I don't know if its a low sex drive or not. He does know I have never had an orgasm w/ him though, and I don't know if that affects him. It may be part of it. But I can't stand a quitter. Men seem to take advantage of sex, b/c they are so used to getting off every time. NO OFFENSE TO ALL OF YOU GREAT MEN HERE, I am speaking of the exceptions out there. I hope to not live in a sexless marriage. I would rather have a compassionate and caring marriage more though....
     
  14. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    HerHubby,

    I did read your post and consider it. I am hoping that if he did cheat, he would wear a condom. I agree w/ how you feel about STDs, I had some close encounters at one time. But was fortunately safe. Thank you for your considerate posts......
     
  15. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    You're welcome, sweet lady! Just hoped to be helpful and let you know that we, on SF, are just concerned about you and in your corner. Hope you'll let us know how you're doing. If you kindly would, please give yourself a hug and pretend its from me.
     
  16. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    I do greatly appreciate your support, and everyone elses. And I don't see how I made it w/o this place.

    I guess I am going to be stuck in this hole of my marriage for a while. Unless he makes a move. I had to admit, marriage does change EVERYTHING. B/c we lived together before this, and we didn't have these problems.

    It's not so much sex that I want. I want his openness and honesty. I want him to step up and support me and my feelings. I want to see more strength in him. I want to see him actually desire our marriage. I want to feel appreciated, needed, and wanted. I guess I could do w/o sex if I had most of those. Hell, I am the only one that gets ME off anyway :eek:

    I also hate the fact that I can't post here on weekends :mad
     
  17. Jayce

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    Why can't you post here on weekends?

    I wish I could just say the magic words that make everything work right. I mean, what if you used the dominant attitude I talked about above, except with talking to him? What if you did not let him go until he sat down and talked to you? I'm not talking about chaining him to a cement wall in the basement and feeding him a slice of bread a day until he talks, but if you make it apparent you WON'T back down until he spills the beans, maybe he'll just realize how serious you are?

    Sorry, I feel like I'm in the same position you are. You're dying for answers, and I'm dying to find them, so I apologize if I'm repeating something that was already said above.

    BUT, if I were you, I'd do that. Maybe over dinner bring it up, and don't let the subject sway. And if all else fails, just jump on him when you're starkass naked. Maybe that'd get him excited and feel a little more open to talk? That's definitely plan B though... the dinner talk/no subject swaying thing I'd do first.

    Post back with any changes. :)