Us and Them

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mindcandy, Jan 1, 2009.

  1. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    My girlfriend doesn't really like my friends, so I don't hang out with them when I'm around her. However we do hang out with her friends from time to time...and it seems like she is a completely different person when I'm not the only person she's around. I'm slightly put off by the fact that we can hang out with her friends but not mine (who have been nothing but friendly towards her) but I'm more concerned about who she is when she's with her friends. She seems to only be herself (or at least the person I thought she was before we started going out) when others are around, and as if I'm becoming a burden. It's weird, it seems like she'll open up more to her other friends, engage them more in conversation (almost to the point where I might as well not be around) and she acts happier, or at least more bold when other people are around. It's almost like she's trying to impress her friends when we are out with them, but when it's just her and me she has to hold herself back or seemingly engages me in conversation, etc. only out of obligation...
     
  2. igor

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    What does that tell ya? Time to start looking elsewhere I think. Been there myself.
     
  3. blondyboy

    blondyboy New Member

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    yeah i agree that's strange behaviour. save yourself trouble in the future and drop her like a bag of potatoes. theres more fish in the pond.
     
  4. Barbwire

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    Everybody acts differently when they are around their friends in a social setting than they do when they are interacting with their lovers on a personal level. And people act differently when they are at work and amongst their co-workers.

    So, what you have to decide is, can you stand the person she becomes when she's with her crew or can't you?

    Oh, the topic about her not wanting to hang out with your friends is a whole nuther ballgame, and I'm only giving out just so much free advice today. ;)
     
  5. Barbwire

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    I was just thinking that perhaps the reason why she doesn't want to hang out with you and your friends is, she doesn't like the person YOU become when around them.

    I'm not pointing fingers, just thinking out loud. ;)
     
  6. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    I was turning a corner when I heard my girlfriend talking to her friend about me. I overheard them both referring to me with an unflattering nickname regarding my moods and depression. This really got to me, and although I think we're still both in love and have been together for quite a while, I just don't know how to approach her about this...

    It could just be that they probably meant it as an inside joke or something...but I still feel awkward bringing it up. It just really got to me because we've talked about my depression before, and it just seemed like I was the target of a joke and I feel too insecure to even approach her about it because we hardly see each other as it is and I don't want to ruin the time we get to spend together..
     
  7. ducktales

    ducktales New Member

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    If she's making jokes about your depression thats hardly someone you need as an important part of your life. You can definitely find someone better and it seems that the person she changes into when she's with her friends is not the person you are in love with/wanted to date. Depression is not a joke and for her to be making fun of you about it is unacceptable. Dump her and move on, you can definitely find someone who is not two-faced.

    Her not wanting to hang out with you and your friends might just be that she doesn't like how you act around them, she feels awkward because she doesn't really know anyone, or she just for whatever reason doesn't like them, and if she can't accept your friends she can't accept you.

    Either way, time to move on, dump her because there is definitely someone better out there.
     
  8. Barbwire

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    You really need to talk to her about your feelings and spill the beans about what you overheard. You said "I think we are still both in love." If you aren't sure anymore, now's the time to talk about it and make sure you and she are on the same page.

    Good luck, hon.

     
  9. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    Well, she told me that she's still in love with me, and I believe that this could be more of an issue of taking something too personally and/or being insecure, rather than her venting to a friend?
    I've been trying to do a lot of soul-searching lately and I just don't know where to start. Rather than confronting her (It's in the past now) about what I heard I'd like to look inward instead of outward and figure out why something a simple as a name upset me so much.

    Could anyone suggest any helpful ideas to deal with this?
     
  10. ducktales

    ducktales New Member

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    If you are suffering really badly from depression, it can/has hampered your life before and you've talked to her about it, then she's in the wrong and you should definitely be upset with her. If she knows that you have bouts with depression she shouldn't be making fun of you behind your back about it she should be supportive of you, she can vent about how it makes her feel without making fun of you. If its a big problem in your life, you need someone who will support you and there's someone better for you out there.

    If you were just being moody or just in a bad mood and she was making fun of you, I don't think its a big deal she was probably just pissed off and if she had a reason to be upset then I don't think its that big a deal.
     
  11. mindcandy

    mindcandy New Member

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    Well, this is why it all connects with my original post...she is supportive when we are alone together, and she also vents abut it because she says she sometimes feels insecure and thinks I'm depressed because of her (which I assure her isn't the source of my depression, although in my mind I can't help but think that her behavior tends to make it worse at times).

    Now, I don't know who exactly is at fault most of the time, but I guess you could say we inadvertently make each other feel guilty. Occasionally I will unintentionally do things that upset her, and then some time in the future something of a similar nature will occur with her that upsets me. I'm not sure whether or not is intentional or not, but I look like the hypocrite when I call her out when it seems like she tries to make me feel a certain way that I accidentally made her feel, that I had apologized for and done everything in my power to correct.

    Another thing is...I don't think she really knows the nature of my depression and she thinks it's just temporary because we don't live as close anymore and see each other less often. I guess in the past I have been better at keeping my depression under control, but this time I really just need support.
    This is really frustrating because while I'd like to, I'm not sure if I can constantly reassure her...and I think she feels resentful doing the same for me. She seems to beat me to every accusation and plead for reassurance, and unfortunately she seems to match my insecurities pretty closely (although it feels like she manages them better) and she feels like I'm bringing everything back to me if I try to talk to her about my emotions if she's in a bad mood.

    I have no idea what to do, and I'm not going to just break up with her without a serious conversation or two...but I'm not exactly sure where to start...:/
     
  12. Barbwire

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    There is only so much perfect strangers can do to help you. Were I you, I'd seek help from someone that has training in dealing with depression and helping people to overcome it.

    Depression isn't something you should mess around with. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel.