urgent help : my boyfriend is on an internet dating site

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by starberry, Oct 7, 2007.

  1. starberry

    starberry New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Guys,

    I am so so so upset right now and I really need advice because I don't know what to think or do.
    My boyfriend is perfect in every way I can imagine and he treats me like no other guys ever has. He rings me everyday and takes me out and treats me like I'm the best thing in the world. I love him so much which is why this is really hard.

    THE FACTS : He came over to my house this weekend and used my computer and somehow set his hotmail to automatically log in. I know I shouldn't have been snooping but he had a brand new email from today, after he had gone home from my house. It was for a dating site called PlentyOfFish . I checked it and he had sent two messages TODAY. Both contained gifts, which like a little flower or teddy bear image thingy on the website. The first read:
    "hey hoydee hey wats crak-a-lakin?
    omg u 2 are gorjuz sozz just had 2 say have a good 1

    joolz
    i goz tah hat on"
    and the second
    "you sound like a realy fun person to be around and i would like to get to no you some more????????????????do you go out clubing mucho??"

    HIS RESPONSE : When I confronted him.
    He said the website was just like Myspace or Bebo. To me it pretty much looks like a straight forward dating site.
    He only wrote the second one because the girl said she was looking for friends, and his friend wrote the first one. I know he must be lying because "crak-a-lakin" is his catchphrase, he signed it and he identified himself in the picture so thats a big warning sign right?
    His profile saids he is single and he is looking for an intimate encounter but he could have just not edited it. I didn't look at his profile until after I had got off the phone with him so I couldnt ask him about it.
    Also on the phone he was very defensive, he told me he wanted to be with me and no one else but he did hang up on me after I told him I didn't know if I wanted him to call me later.

    I love him so much but I could never ever let someone take advantage of me. He has cheated on partners in the past. I know he loves big busted girls and the girl had big bust and I am only petite.
    HE SENT THESE TODAY AFTER HE GOT HOME FROM MY HOUSE!

    Please what should I do I don't want to let him get away with it just because I love him.
     
  2. jgood4u

    jgood4u New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Plenty-of-fish is the larges free dating site as far as I know. He could just be teasing these gals and has no serious intentions of doing anything beyond playing emails with them and maybe getting them to send him nude pix of themselves.
    Maybe he just enjoys seeing large breasts and women who have them. You have to decide to what extent you are going to deal with that. Are yours live and touchable, better then the others only by email and pictures? Because he teases and looks at other women doesn't mean he is not deeply in love with you. Instead of feeling mad at him, go along and realize that he can enjoy looking at others breasts and still play with yours. Make him comfortable talking about his interests by not reacting negatively to him when he talks about his likes, as long as he comes back to you. Point some out yourself to him and ask him what he thing about those, but be careful to just learn about his from his response and not to judge his motives. If after playing along with him for some time, you conclude that he can never be true to you because your breasts don't meet his needs, then you can tell him politely that the compatibility factor is just not these between you enough to continue the relationship.

    The basic fact of life is that guys are attracted to the physical assets of women, if we weren't, we likely wouldn't have found you. You don't really want to change that, because if he no longer finds women's bodies attractive, he likely will not find yours attractive either. He didn't mean for you to see the email, and if you hadn't, you'd still be hot for him. Sometimes we don't want to know everything about our mates, and we very likely have our own closets we don't want them to visit.
     
  3. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Wow. Oh-kay. You make it sound as if she should tolerate his deceitful, sleazy behavior. Regardless of his motive(s), either to find someone new, have a little "sideline fun" while pretending to be single, or provoke women into sharing nude pics of themselves, he's an immature little prick that deserves to have his ass kicked to the curb post-haste.

    Dump him. Relationships can't thrive on deception and lies, and, frankly, you'd find better fish at the bottom of a sludge pond. I promise you that the "honeymoon phase" in your relationship will end soon (that kind of guy drops the Prince Charming act the instant he knows he's got you hooked). Stay with him and you're in for more of the same, if not worse...I guarantee it.
     
  4. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2006
    Messages:
    6,443
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah, I agree with Blusey. It shows that he's not 100% committed to you, and that even though he's with you he's still playing the field, as it were, and on the look out for someone better.

    My ex did the same thing, in the very beginning of our relationship. Before we moved in together he had several international pen pals (women from Italy, Australia, etc.) and he continued to write them regularly for several years after we got together. He said that he was doing so because he still wasn't sure whether he really wanted to be with me or not (even though we were living together and having sex regularly) and I guess it took him three years to decide that. I was so emotionally screwed up that when he stopped writing all these women I was thrilled that he'd finally made up his mind that I was "good enough" for him.

    God, I was a fucking idiot.

    So yeah, even if his intentions are good and he's just looking for female "friends," the fact that he's doing so on an internet dating website is a huge blaring flashing alarm going off. People go to those sites in order to meet and hook up with one another.
     
  5. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2007
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    i may be over stepping my bounds, but as someone who has/is dealing with difficulties in my own marriage maybe i can offer some qualified help.

    it has been mentioned that maybe he is only teasing, however to me if he is having directed(as opposed to anyomous blogging) communication with another women he is not faithful. having said that, i dont think that a serious relationship has to be monogomous, but there has to be honesty when you ask the question---if you doubt his intentions just dont ignore it as paranoia, you deserve to know.

    bottom line: if your prepared to have a relationship with him, he has to abide by the rules you guys jointly agree to---dont let him abuse you or your trust.
     
  6. starberry

    starberry New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    thanks guys I am still tinking about what to do
    djmercer very good advice
    I think I will just let him know that its unacceptable and tell him its his one and only time to fuck up like this. I know its weak but he really has been perfect u until now, and when I rung him before after he hung up in the space of 20 minutes I had like 7 different emails on my MySpace, FaceBook and Bebo all apologizing.
    I'll make sure that he doesnt get away with it if something happens again though.
     
  7. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2007
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    im going to make another comment, maybe not one you want to hear.

    it troubles me that you say that this is his only chance to fuck up like this. remember that relationships have difficult times/tribulations and humans are prone to errors. i wouldnt suggest that if he makes a similar mistake that you dump him, rather you dump him for a lack of honestly. i mean that if he makes a mistake and tells you, it shows alot about his character, as does making a mistake and lying and trying to hide it. dont ever disregard you gut feeling, but always try to make an informed decision even if that means you have to 'check on' him, if you do check on him i think that you do have to give him the same respect in telling him that you did check up and how you know what you know.

    bottom line----this is a character issue and you must determine who your friends are and who you potentially are prepared to spend you life with.

    dave
     
  8. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    OK, so here I go, being blunt again. He doesn't sound so perfect to me. He's sneaking around posting on dating sites and he's cheated on his other girlfriends. Sounds like kind of a douche bag to me. He has either cheated on you already, or is planning to. I'd dump his ass.
     
  9. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Dump him; he's cheated before, and most likely, he'll do it again.
     
  10. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2007
    Messages:
    607
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    AZ
    I have read most of what you all have posted and I don't know if I agree. I know I go to a lot of places on this www that I have no idea of doing anything with anyone. This is fantasy land. You say he is perfect. NO HE IS NOT! none of us are. The trouble with being perfect is the slightest flaw makes it all seem like a lie when it's just a flaw. We all have them. You have found a blemish in him. If you stay together you will find more. That is the way of things. Will the good out weigh the bad?? That is the question. My best friend is Bipolar to the point he is hospitalized about twice a year. When his meds are off he is a hard man to be a friend to BUT the good times make it worth it.
     
  11. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2007
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    :bow
     
  12. Bluesy

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2006
    Messages:
    3,779
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    What you're talking about is mental illness...what we're talking about is strength/weakness of character. A person with a healthy sense of dignity and empathy, a strong set of values, and the self-discipline to maintain those values is a person of good upstanding character. Whether or not you decide that your character is worth developing is entirely up to you, but don't try to rationalize away weak character as normal human behavior, and, hey, we're all just glorified plains apes, we can't help that we've got these biological urges and, and, and... Character is something that can be built and fortified over time if it's important to you to be a moral kind of person. No one said it was easy to be good, but, you know what, it can be done. No excuses. You either want it badly enough or you don't give a flying fig. We all have the potential to be outstanding, highly admirable people, but how many of us even bother to attempt to live up to that potential? Well, I'm trying. I know I'd rather shoot myself than cheat on a partner again, that's how important character is to me. And I made that decision, to improve on myself and try to live up to my potential. And, believe you me, it ain't easy. Being a person of shoddy character who caves to their animal instincts is way easier than being a good person, no kidding. Tell me something I don't already know.

    And the internet is not "fantasy land". This is not a daydream you're having, and I'm not a figment of your imagination. If you want to treat it (and me) as such, that's your business, but I could never date a guy who didn't treat his interaction with others on the net the same as he treats f2f interaction. I respect that you're an honest-to-god flesh-and-blood human being, and not a product of my subconscious, but, hey, that's just me.
     
  13. jadeddiva

    jadeddiva New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2007
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    From my personal experience my ex hubby was addicted to myspace and dating sites. After figuring out his password and logging on i was horrified by the disgusting emails that were all sexually explicit. Going as far as telling the girls the times he worked and giving out his phone number.

    The boyfriend i have now is different. He has a few he signed up for a few years ago,but the difference here is that he is quite open with me and on his profile is just looking to see how the site is.
    Sure he gets emails but doesn't bother replying cause for one he has to pay to respond and second he doesn't care if i look. He has given me his passwords to his email accounts so i can check anytime i want to.

    At first it bothered me because of my past experience but now my boyfriend and i both scope through
    the site just to see what others post and what not. If it still bothered me he would delete them if i asked.

    Having an open and honest relationship is the key here. If your boyfriend feels he needs to hide it from you then perhaps there is more going on. And for him to having cheated before,personally i'd get rid of him.
     
  14. Kahurin

    Kahurin New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2007
    Messages:
    103
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Ak
    ok I skipped the last couple posts lol too much reading but i am going to say this...

    One of my friends joined that plenty of fish telling her boyfriend that she jsut wants friends....but the fact is, that is a dating site. If its unsetting you he shouldnt be on it. Honestly its a freaking dating site. Tell him to stick to myspace or something if he wants friends.

    When my friend told me she was joining and didnt know why it was upsetting her boyfriend i was like well duh! its a dating site. People on that site are there for dating thats the majority of peoples reasons for joining.

    Myspace FTW.

    now im probably late because this thread is a couple days old ahah but i wanted to post anyhow