Update

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by loveit247, May 20, 2008.

  1. loveit247

    Gold Member

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    Well, he wants back in. Took me for dinner, confessed his love for me. Wants me to take him back (again).
    I told him to grow up and call me when he is able to cut those titanium apron strings. :lol

    I love him, I do, but I love myself more and I will not allow him to hurt me again.
    So if he really really wants me back he had better work very hard at his therapy, detach himself from his family and call me when he is ready to put a ring on my finger. Then I will think about taking him back.

    I told him that I refuse to be in a relationship with him, his mother and his sister. He has to decide if he wants me or them. Simple.
     
  2. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    Loveit,

    IMHO you really need to cut and run away from this guy. Mom and Sis will always be around undercutting your relationaship and any relationship he is in. I almost crapped myself when I read the ring thing. Again, IMHO, that would be a HUGE oops.

    Marriage is much rougher than just a relationship and way more expensive, money wise and psyche wise, to walk away from.

    Time to cut your loses, sweetie, and find someone much more deserving of your affections and bod.;)
     
  3. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    My...

    ...dear, do me a favor;

    Get you a pencil and paper and make two columns.

    Column A is everything you like and want in a partner.

    Column B is everything to you don't like or want in a partner.

    Be as objective as you can. Both lists should be at least 10 things, the more the better. Habits, preferences, likes, dislikes, politics, sex, money, religion, FAMILY, kids, where to live, food, smoking or not, leisure likes and dislikes, conflict resolution style (fighter, appeaser, etc) music, etc. Rank each list, most important on top, least on bottom. If you have 12 things you want, the most important gets 12 points, the least 1. Same with things you don't want. Column A represents a score of 100%, however many points are in it.

    Now, check him off for the things he is in both columns and do the math. What you're after is what percentage of column A is left after subtracting column B. In other words, if column A is, say, 12 things, it is a total of 78 points, 12 + 11 + 10, etc. If you've taken away 10 points due to column B, that's 68 points which is 88% of the possible total.

    Now, you have a grade for him. In my view anything under 90% is not a good match.

    This exercise is meant to be fun and to see how well you really know yourself and to give all this stuff a lot of thought. Life between two people is a complicated, complex thing and it is all the little things that matter over time. If he is a slob and you are a neat freak, that WILL wear on you over time. Maybe you can live with it due to all the other good stuff. Maybe you can't. Better that you put it all in context now and admit you know what you are getting into.

    I feel like you are really struggling with this relationship and are terribly torn. Maybe this will give you something productive to do and it might even help you come to a decision, either way, you can live with. Happily.

    :D
     
  4. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    LP...that was absolutely excellent. :bow

    Hey Bucky! Welcome back!

    Loveit...sweetheart, you already have the proof that he cannot cut the apron strings. He's tried a few times already and failed...he's already chosen them over you multiple times. I'm afraid counseling isn't going to change this. He may change for some period of time (days, weeks, months, whatever) but it sure sounds like he will always go back to this same behavior. Forget a ring...if you marry this dude, he is ALWAYS going to ultimately favor this mom/sis over you. That's what he's done the whole time you've been dating...do you really think marrying him is going to change that? (It's not.)

    Loveit, do yourself a huge favor and just move on.

    BD
     
  5. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    I do not...


    ...think that it is our place to make that suggestion. Our objectivity is based on only one side of the story which is not to slam Loveit, at all, but to only state a fact. She is the one who needs to come to a decision on her own terms. If we can help her get there, great, but it's presumptuous of us to actually say 'here's the decision you should make.'


    After all, it's not like she's having a fit because he had sex with some before her. :lol
     
  6. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    That is excellent advice BD.:bow

    Things are not going to change just because you are married. Commitment starts way, way, way before the ring goes on the finger and I think he is more committed to his family than to you Loveit. You are a sweet lady and deseve much better than you are getting.
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    You're right, LP. I just hate to see someone as lovely as Loveit committing to years of misery. As we all know, sometimes "love" just ain't enough to make it work. You're absolutely right, however...that's a decision that only she can make.

    So, let me restate my not-so-humble opinion this way: Loveit, you can do better, babe. Much, MUCH better. ;)

    BD
     
    #7 BassDude, May 20, 2008
    Last edited: May 20, 2008
  8. Dreama

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    This is one of the most insightful posts ever. LP, you're awesome. :bow
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Yeah, LP's list is a great idea. I've actually done that sort of list before. I ended up dumping the somewhat psychotic self-sabotaging whining fuck-up I was engaged to. Boy, I'm glad I made that list AND that decision! Whew! :phat We would have been divorced within a couple years, I'm sure.

    BD
     
  10. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Yes...

    ...yes, I know, and humble, too. :D
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    :rofl
     
  12. FlirtyChick

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    Bravo Loveit! You are being strong and standing up for what you need in a relationship. I am very proud of you, and even though he may not change, and it may hurt you, you will be better off in the long run rather than living a life you do not like. I cannot applaud you enough sweetie. I am so glad that you are thinking about how you feel and what you need!

    Hugs!
    FC
     
  13. loveit247

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    Thanks all.

    I fear I may I may have been misunderstood. LOL! The "I may take him back" was said in complete sarcasm as both he and I know he will NEVER cut his family out.

    Don't worry guys, I remain happy and single!
     
  14. bsxy420

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    glad to hear that you are happy loveit!