Unsure

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by sexynzgirl, Sep 6, 2005.

  1. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    I don't know if I should break up with my boyfriend or not. We've been together for almost three years but I find myself fantasising about having sex with other men constantly. Sex with him is just not interesting for me anymore but I feel really guilty about feeling this way. Does anyone have anything to say that could help me? I seem to end up feeling like this eventually about all my relationships. Is it me or have I just not found the right perso :ugh n...
     
  2. Frank Grimes

    Frank Grimes New Member

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    I think before you give up on a 3 year relationship that you need to talk to him and tell him what you want, if you care for him, anyway. Buy books and DVD's. Tell him what you want to try.

    If you truly care about him, don't give up on it yet. If it's just a convenient relationship for you and there's never been "that" passion, you may want to consider calling it quits.

    But don't do anything until Logger weighs in.
     
  3. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    I agree that before a break up occurs - he has the right to know what the problem is. It is possible he may be having similar feelings. If he does not, then it may make your choice easier as well. Good luck.
     
  4. Thorn

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    You said you "end up feeling like this eventually about all my relationships." This could indicate that you are hard to please or it could be that you really haven't found the right person yet. One good thing is that you see a pattern in your relationships and you are asking yourself questions about it. Time will tell and it's good that you want to find out before you move to the next level in a relationship or to marriage.
     
  5. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    Oh yeah I forgot to mention he's 10 years older than me and is an obese gamer....if that makes the sitch any clearer
     
  6. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Way clearer.
    You are probably bored. Having sex with a man without having much else in your relationship can obviously lead to you "looking in other directions". At the risk of it sounding rather simple, I believe you hit the nail on the head. You just haven't found the right man yet.
    You are still young. You don't have to feel like you have to 'settle' with whatever you've got now. Get out there & have some fun. 'Raise the bar' a little, as far as who you allow to take the next step in a relationship.
    Good luck!
     
  7. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    He wasn't always someone I was unsatisfied with we did alot of fun things together and now it seems that sitting around and watching tv is pretty much it for me if I stay with him. I also haven't been able to forgive him for beating me up regularly even though it's been a year since it last happened. I would like to be with someone who would never even consider hurting me physically and emotionally like he has. I am scared when he raises his voice my heart starts beating faster I start to sweat and get nausea thats not normal I think. Even today he blames me for the abuse I received. I was stupid to stay after he put me in hospital to have surgury to fix my face after he kicked me.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    You can't live in the past, hon. He is satisfied with things just the way they are. You gotta make a choice, based on what you want in 1 year; in 5 years; in 10 years, etc. It's about 'the rest of your life'. So, weigh it, choose, it, then stick to your choice (regardless of empty tears and promises of change)
    Abusers can take a step back for a while (kind of like taking a 'breather'), but most inevitably return to their previous behavior. You are still being abused - it's called emotional and verbal abuse. It can even be worse, because no one can see the bruises. And it is conditioning you to recieve the upcoming physical abuse (..WHEN, not IF..) with little or no self esteem to fight back or leave.
    Yes
     
  9. Logger

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  10. Giles

    Giles New Member

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    He beat you to the point you needed surgery?? Lose this animal NOW.
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Logger, I'm usually behind you 100%, but this time I gotta disagree.

    It is a classic misconception for a woman to think, "If I just do (this...), then he'll see how valuable I am, and quit hitting me." or "If I just quit doing (this...), he will love me more and will stop saying such mean things."
    Nothing she did or didn't do made him this way. And nothing she does or doesn't do in the future will make him change. HE has to want to change, then HE has to take the steps to do so.

    I still say, move on. You aren't married (not that that gives a man the right to act like a jerk, but sometimes you may want to work with counseling etc, especially if kids are involved), so there is no reason to stay. Like I said previously, you are young, obviously very sexually confident. There are plenty of guys out there, and I am sure more than a couple are looking for someone just like YOU!
    It may be scary, and even somewhat lonely at first, but it will get better and easier (a ray of hope - unlike what you got going on right now... ;) )
     
  12. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    Why do u say that? Not that i disagree....
     
  13. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Just a general observation - :phat - most people on this forum/board are not afraid to discuss their sexuality. And the more one discusses it, the more confident one seems to become.
    I sincerely hope you take to heart the fact that there really are alot of guys (and gals -I believe you said you were Bi) who would love to get to know you.
    If you take our advice, and leave, have a plan in place. Find suitable housing and if you don't work now, find employment (even if you have to delay actually starting the job till you leave). Many abusers don't like their spouses to have a job. it gives them too much independence. You do not want to be dependent on this guy.
    And until you get the nerve to split, make sure you don't get pregnant. (duh) That could complicate things in a big way.... :eyes
     
  14. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    thank u all :) i'll keep u posted
     
  15. Logger

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    Dear Rose,

    If NZ is afraid of getting beat up again, then leaving should be considered for safety. Before you came to this board, NZ had at least one thread on the abuse that took place. I posted to her at that time, a year ago.

    I think that NZ girl has some special needs of her own. I think that this guy is trying to be accommodating to NZ. He did make a mistake committing abuse. I have personally gotten more physical than I should have in earlier years. But I learned how things escalate, and get out of hand, and I changed, and now get out of the vicinity, when I see danger signals.

    To the extent that NZ is afraid, she could request counseling for BF. I BF refused additional counseling, then maybe there could be cause for concern.

    I like NZ girl. You might look back of her threads where she discussed his abuse, to get a better feel of what happened, and why I feel the guy is OK. I agree that abuse does not go away by itself. But that is not the question NZ is asking, as I undersrtand her.

    NZ says she feels unloved, and feels that BF would not have beaten her up, if he really love her. There are a number of aspects of Love. AGAPE, or biblical, committed love, is different form puppy love or infatuation. Committed Love takes some work. Takes some effort ot get over the boring spots.

    I thing NZ just needs some romancing. I believe BF is willing to be more romantic. Just encourage NZ to give her guy a little push, and I suspect that if NZ and BF develop the habit of celebrating every new high score on his games, with a passionate kiss, things will pick up for NZ.

    You are welcome to disagree with me anytime. I will try to admit when I am actaully wrong. Thanks for your many valuable contributions which make this board better.

    Blessings
     
  16. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    No problem, Mr.Logger. I appreciate your input. If everyone agreed with everyone about everything on every subject, this would be a boring board, for sure! ;)

    The only other references to him that I could find from skimming the threads, were these:
    Today during my partner and I were having an arguement in which he says to me "Its a pity you don't have the strength to kill yourself". Afterwards after I cried forever and he couldn't handle it anymore he apologises, but I still feel very angry. What do others think of their partner saying this and then going later on, I love you, I'm sorry {insert excuse here} blah blah.
    And :
    ...edited for space purposes...We argued for awhile and his comment was a result of our fight. He reguarly says really hurtful things to me when he's angry, he has an anger problem as do I only I don't have the option of physical abuse nor would I want to take it. He doesn't hit me anymore but he did say he felt like he was losing grip during our arguement and he didn't want to hurt me, so I guess a nasty comment is a lot better than a punch in the face.... edited....


    I don't see him interested in counseling or therapy. I still see the excuses and the boomerang of blame. These instances took place over a year ago, and there are still no noticable signs of HIM wanting to make a change in HIMSELF. I got the impression he encouraged her to take her meds so HIS life would be more comfortable.
    --------------------------------
    Sorry, NZ, for beginning to speak of you in 'third-person'! :ugh
    I truly hope you can find a fulfilling relationship. So many women stay in this type of situation, hoping it will change. They turn 40 or so, and then they feel, "well, it's too late to start over now..."
     
  17. Logger

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    Dear Rose,

    Thank you for bringing the verbal abuse back to my attantion. I had dropped that out of my conscious considerations.

    My wife has a habit of saying hurtful remarks when she is frustrated. I have recently started studying NLP, Neuro Linguistic Programming. There are three areas covered by the term NLP. One part is changing self. Chaning your own habits.

    Second, is functioning as a coach for another person to improve their habits. This can be done by a Lover, with increased discussions of desired outcomes, Goals, Rewards, and increased cooperation, promises, etc. This is with the full, up front, conscious knowledge of your partner or Team Member. My wife agreed to let me be her coach for changin her habit of binrg 5 minutes late to work nearly everyday.

    The Third part of NLP is seruptitiously influencing another person to do things, without much conscious knowledge of your input. This can be benign or White, or over the line into excessive mind control, like a cult. The third part can be misused, and needs good judgement, but there is awsome power.

    I am on my first NLP DVD, and have 5 more DVD Instructional videos on order.
    I have decided that I am tired of habitual make-wrong statements in the home. So I am going to spend some time/money to improve my habit coaching skills. If I have made a reasonable attempt to be a good coach, and things don't improve, well.....

    To the extent that my prevous posts indicated indicated by omission that it was OK to listen to verbal abuse, let me make this correction here. I did not intend to advise continued acceptance of verbal abuse. Do Something.

    Blessings
     
    #17 Logger, Sep 14, 2005
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2005
  18. Logger

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    Dear NZ Girl,

    How often do you experience verbal abuse from BF? How often do you thik of the last or other prior instance of verbal abuse from BF? How are you doing at handling your own frustations without using unkind or make-wrong terms?

    Could BF do better at avoidning unkind words? Has he mentioned any couselor, group, Self-improvement course that he is willing to consider? Are there any programs you could atend together? When would you have time and money? Would a relative help yo out with some moneyh for verbal abuse abatement?

    Here is an NLP resource:
    http://www.talknlp.com/
    Also earch NLP on eBay

    I like Silva for Habit Improvement, One Weekend, $350.00, you could both benefit form theclass. Closest I found was Melbourne, you could check if they are going to do a NZ class soon:
    http://www.silvamethod.com/sub/subpages/programs/pro_sch_lstwld.jsp


    Blessings
     
  19. sexynzgirl

    sexynzgirl New Member

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    Well I only just checked back today not thinking that anybody else would post after my last message until I did so I was quite surprised to see the debate going on. We broke up about 3 days ago and I feel good about it and he is being pretty good about it. I'm going to start university in march next year (dietetics) and that involves moving about 7 hrs drive away from where I am now. I feel positive about my future. Still a little scared but I think thats ok. I'm a brave one I've realised. Thanks all for your help :D
     
  20. kbate

    kbate New Member

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    Well done Nz girl.

    You will do much better at university without the additional baggage of a man you are unsure if you love, and will likely find one who is somewhat more exciting than an obese gamer.