unfaithful spouse

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by djmercer1, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    first post, but ive lurked for quite a while. i feel bad since im looking for help my first time out.

    unfortunately, last week my wife went to a 'party' and got willingly got groped by a guy. if the physical interaction was a she said it was, i think i can deal with it, as it only slightly further than interaction at a strip club--a bit of necking and a breast rub. getting some details from her was tough as she wouldn’t admit it, also she went out several nights consecutively to hide and run from the problems.

    anyway, my marriage has been rocky to say the least, but we’ve always been able to persevere and get over the difficult patches. my wife and i have fought over everything. im not going to say that im an easy guy to deal with and will accept more than 50% blame for why she was at the party and not at home. alcohol was a factor, as was a fight we had, and so was my behaviour.

    my problem is:
    how do you trust someone again? if i can accept her word as to what happened i can get over it and move on, but only if i accept her word as to what happened and more didn’t happen. also, i’m willing to move on a make a new start if i decide i cant trust her. so i’m in a catch-42 ---- any suggestions.


    sorry for the incoherence, but im torn over this. i’m sure you guys don’t know all the facts and as i add details maybe you can give me some clarity as we discuss this.

    thanks

    dave
     
  2. The Mistress

    The Mistress New Member

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    Welcome to the group Dave.

    Trust is probably the hardest thing for me.

    Can I ask you if you had trust in the relationship at any time? Did it go away? or have you never really had and and now you'd like to? Just curious the situation.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    It really depends on whether both of you feel there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. if it's all one-sided (yours) then you are starting at a disadvantage.

    if the situation has alarmed both of you to the point of sitting down and saying, "Wait a minute. What's going on here? Where is our relationship headed?" - then perhaps mutual trust and proper respect can be revived. It's very important that BOTH of you admit responsibility. The groping incident was probably just an outward manifestation of a deeper problem between the two of you. Look at it as a 'blessing in disguise', as it may help bring your marriage back to some solid commitment towards each other.
     
  4. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    thanks.

    i'll tell you my side, and then is add what my wife has said to me:

    me:
    1)i never questioned my wife, i always thought of her as the 1 person i would trust with any of my decisions. i can be a little paranoid and i've thought about of the possibilities of her dying, leaving etc, but immediately dismissed as foolishness. i went so far as to check up on her once a year ago, and then recently when her actions went out of whack and this happened 2 weeks ago.
    2)i only ever had contact with a stripper, it was in a 'little over the top show' at the bar once when i was drunk with buddies--i told her about it.


    she has said to me:
    1)she never questioned me about anything. even though i'll admit i gave her reasons.
    2)she said her love for me never waivered but, for that event she just lost it.

    anymore questions?

    dave
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Receiving "her side", from "your side" is not really gonna fly. It's human nature to 'color' things toward our own persuasion.

    Aside from that, though, you have a legitimate question/situation. Hopefully you will recieve good, solid advice.
     
  6. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    i didn't mean her side of the situation---only i asked her a direct question, and i repeated her response. i'm totally willing to accept responsibility for being an idiot, a-hole etc.

    we're both willing to go and speak with someone to help. we've got a great support network and seem to be willing.
     
  7. Silent22

    Silent22 New Member

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    I mean I think you already answered your biggest questions. You say your both willing to go speak with someone to get help. I mean she isnt backing away from you and she obviously wants this to work. She admitted her mistake even if more did happen she did the right thing to come to you anyways.

    Let it go for now everyone makes mistakes, as you have said with you and a stripper. We are only humans and cannot be expected to act like robots.

    Now if she told you she doesnt want help, and didnt tell you anything and left what she did to your imagination... That there tells me she is not interested nor sorry for what she has done.

    But its the other way around, and trust can be built again. Because you both want it.
     
  8. LuciousLover

    LuciousLover New Member

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    Trust is definitely the hardest thing to win back...so my advice is to never lose it!!!!1
     
  9. Bluesy

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    Just my little ol' opinion... When one person fucks up in a relationship, they forfeit the right to complain should their partner ever fuck up. What do you mean, "How do I get the trust back?" Why don't you ask her how she did it following the stripper-groping incident? *ahem*

    Now you're even. Now go and seek some professional guidance, as you've said you're willing to do, and the two of you can hopefully put the pieces back together. Maybe the relationship will even be strengthened as a result.
     
  10. Silent22

    Silent22 New Member

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    Agreed ^^^^
     
  11. berserker

    berserker New Member

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    You and only You know the answer to whether you still trust her.The most important thing in any relationship is trust and if you can still trust her in your own heart you will forgive her. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things though. If you find in your heart you cannot trust her then you will have to make some hard decisions. My advice is if you love her find it in your heart to forgive but do so knowing that this memory will always hurt.
     
  12. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    While we’ve talked about what has happened, I still don’t believe her description of the events. Its just hard to believe that she was only groped when her breasts were bruised 4-5 days after, it really looked like she had a rough romp in the hay. The other consideration is that if this is the type of treatment she sexually desires I’m not the type to give it to her and we really ought to split up instead of being sexually frustrated.

    I know our marriage has been rocky on times. When I reconsider our time together I cant say that I’m really surprised that something like this has happened. We’ve agreed to speak to a counsellor for some help though.

    I want this to fade away, but I’ve never been hurt like this before and I can’t get the image out of my mind. Maybe I’m letting my mind run amok, but I’ve been the guy on the other side of this type of situation and I find it hard to believe that it stopped after a bit of necking. If she was so upset with the event is it believable that she would have gone back to talk to him the following night? To me he only reason to go back is to cover your tracks.

    I guess my question is how do you make the decision to pack it in and start over? I just don’t see our relationship ever working or being solid again and I don’t think we should torture ourselves over the long-term.

    Guys, thanks for your help, any shred left of my marriage depends on any clarity I can get.

    dave
     
  13. Aubrey1972

    Aubrey1972 New Member

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    I think the only real help you are gonna get in this case in from an educated counsellor or psycologist. If you really love her and she you then that is the way to deal with this problem. I think the moderators here are wonderful and so are most of the members but I think they will tell you to seek profesional help to try to overcome this situation. Make sure the counsellor you find is highly recommended. Maybe ask your family doctors office to recommend a good one. Good luck!
     
  14. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    well, we've agree to try the marriage counselling starting friday.

    but my problem still remains----how do you decide to cut your losses and start afresh? i know getting back to a point of trust is the key, if we can do that we'll probably survive this incident. while its easy to look back now and say that i didn't recognize the warning signs, it doesn't get any easier trying to trust the one person you've devoted your entire soul to after something like this, nor is it easy to swallow the fact that you''ve made a vital mistake in how you've led your life.

    thanks for your help.

    dave
     
    #14 djmercer1, Aug 28, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2007
  15. cbrmale

    Gold Member

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    You don't 'own' your partners sexuality, but you can earn her love and respect. Reading your posts, you seem to have an attitude problem that I hope counselling will help you resolve.
     
  16. Maddox

    Maddox New Member

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    I don't really think he has an attitude problem, he just doesn't seem to like the idea of his wife getting touchy feeley with another guy....they're married ;)

    I also don't remember him saying that he went to a strip club and this was his wife's payback, he just used it as a comparison...can the OP maybe clarify this?

    As others have said, trust is the -- or one of the main -- part of the relationship. If I couldn't trust someone I'd abandon the relationship most likely, I don't want to get hurt even more in the long run...
     
  17. Mr.Tongue

    Mr.Tongue New Member

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    well I not sure on this one, I hate to say it butI think true love is not hard work or even work at all.
    if the love is there this would've never happened, she would have told him to keep his hands to him self. and what was the deal with the strip club, why did you feel the need to touch the stripper, instead of saving it for your wife. been drunk is not an excuse. use the alcohol just let you true intension out. you both need to sit down and decide if the other is the one you want for the rest of your lives. this should be simple. if not maybe it's the sign to go your seprate ways. hate to be negative but thats what I see.

    "love does not keep record of wrongs"

    I am no expert , but I did stay at a holiday inn express last night ;)
     
  18. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    the strip club incident was unrelated, or at least she tells me that she didnt conciously use it as a revenge tactic. i mentioned the stripper incident as it is the closet ive come to having contact with another women since weve been married----i came home and told her about it that night.

    you saying that if you cant trust someone that youd abandon the relationship----this is exactly my problem----im not willing to continue in the relationship if there is a realistic chance that i will find out later that she hasnt been honest and there was more to it than ive been led to believe. honesty is key to us getting over this and my question remains as how do i begin to trust her again?

    thanks for you time in discussing this.
     
  19. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    good points. our mariage has been rocky on time due to health and works issues---everyone goes through tiral and tribulations throughout their life.

    i make no excuses for my actions and am willing to work on it, but i think i need to regian some level of trust with my wife before we make any real progress and this is my problem.

    thanks for all comments.
     
  20. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    DJ said
    I find it hard to believe that you told your Wife about an unimportant
    encounter in a strip club, That kind of thing happens in life, But telling
    the Wife about it could hurt the wife just as much as Her telling you
    She got grouped, Bruises tell me she went a lot further, But then you
    asked for it.
    Tell me why you didn't take your Wife with yo to the strip club they
    like that kind of thing also.
    And why didn't yo go partying with Her the night she got grouped.
    Have you drifted so far apart that you no longer do things together.
    Her actions sound like pure revenge to me. So don't blame Her to much.
    And by all means start doing things together.

    Hiker