[Ask a Girl] Two things that have been bothering me for awhile.

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by young_gun_91, Sep 18, 2010.

  1. young_gun_91

    young_gun_91 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Maryland
    I have two questions. The first one could be answered by anyone, but the second one is mostly for girls. Preferably girls who consider themselves to be "bisexual". I apologize for the huge length of this, and don't expect anyone to read the whole thing unless they really want to. :lol Or you can just read one part and not the other. I will admit, the first part might be off-topic and the mods can remove it if they feel it necessary. I think the second part is very on-topic.

    Part I:

    I met a girl online back in 2006, and we clicked immediately. She was the classic tomboy, the odd girl who liked to watch sports, wear boys clothing and not too much makeup. She also liked a lot of the same music as I did, and the conversations just went really well. In early 2007, she asked me to be her "boyfriend". I thought the idea of online dating (across an entire country, especially) was goofy. But I went along with it. I had to end it a few weeks later though, because she was taking it way too seriously. She started calling me "the love of her life" and other absurd things. She hadn't yet seen a photo of me, and to this day I haven't seen one of her. Eventually, we "got back together" but I would always stop it because she made it too serious. The final time I ended it (the fourth) was because I was about to start junior year of high school, and I wanted to enjoy it, not be held down because of my "girlfriend" that lives 3,000 miles away. I explained to her that I liked girls at my school, and that the relationship with that much distance was not working.

    When the school year came, she was always calling me desperate. She said I liked girls for no reason at all. She also began cutting herself around this time (so she said, I've been told by various people that she was just being an attention whore). Whenever I asked her why she was cutting herself, she would just say because she was depressed and lonely. She told me that her arm was what she cut...eventually her mom noticed and this girl was forced to fess up. I'm guessing there were just knicks on her arm. She promised not to do it ever again, but I've never had any proof that she actually did it at all. A few months later, we got into an argument over music. She was acting irrational, getting completely heated for no reason at all and taking jabs at my personal life. I said something I shouldn't have, and told her that "nobody would ever want to be with you". This wasn't the first time she delivered a message along the lines of "thanks a lot, now I'm going to go cut myself because of you", but it was the most serious.

    We might have talked a few more times, but pretty soon we nearly ended our contact for several months. We may have talked some, but none that I remember. Later on, she emailed me and told me she had been in the hospital and wanted me to know she was doing okay, and that various family members had driven down to see her. She was hesitant to tell me the reason was a suicide attempt. To this day, I wonder if this was all my fault. Did me being hot headed and allowing her petty insults to get to my head cause a girl to do self-harm? Is it thanks to me that an innocent young woman is (possibly) walking around with scars on her arms and God knows where else? It's really hard to think about, and if you guys have ever been in such an unhealthy relationship, I'd love to hear about it and hopefully you can tell me how I can feel about it.



    Part II:

    I'll try to keep this one shorter. I've talked to many people about this...still not sure how to feel. This same girl, before her suicidal ways, was very confused about her sexuality. To keep it short, she developed a few crushes on girls from T.V., told me about them, I showed her some hot pics and then she's calling herself "bisexual". I didn't mind it at all. I must admit it was kind of arousing to here her tell me about her teacher's sexy legs or how much she loved boobs. Before I knew it, I'm emailing her lesbian porn and she loves it. Even after I "broke up" with her that final time, I always sent her lesbian porn.

    Now as our friendship turned sour, she began taking everything out on me. One minute she was bi, then straight, then the type of lesbian that hates guys. One of the last times we talked back in 2009, she kept calling me gay over and over again. I'm not homophobic, but I called her a pussylicker which probably was homophobic of me. She got very upset with me and cut me off yet again, yelling at me that she was straight.

    I feel like it is because of me that her sexual life seems to be a mess. If it wasn't for me, she might have never known she was bi. I feel like I destroyed her life. I've talked to a friend, and he said that she was obviously bi and likely a lesbian just uncomfortable with herself. But if that's the case, I worry if all the playboy and lesbian porn that she gulped down has caused her to have unrealistic expectations for women. If she is a goofy looking tomboy, how can she expect a supermodel to be into her?

    I feel ridiculous for bringing this long post, but I'm still not completely over this. Time and again I think to myself that this girl would be so much better off if she hadn't ever met me.
     
  2. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,509
    Likes Received:
    4,406
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    First and foremost, it is not your fault. She and only she chose to cause herself harm. You had no part in that and NEVER feel at blame for it. I live day to day with things like this on my shoulder because I had a very very close childhood friend of mine attempt and come VERY close to dying because I'm getting married and he "had nothing else to live for" You CAN'T blame yourself for it. You are 3,000 miles away, you guys fought, SHE took it to a place that it shouldn't have gone to. Did you ever once tell her to go cut herself? Tell her to go commit suicide? No, I doubt that, so it's not your fault.

    This friend of mine that tried to take his life, I've been very close to since we were small children. We've always had a unique relationship, oftentimes wanting it to become sexual but certain things always turning it away from that. We both share a very strong love for one another and there isn't any way I can properly explain the type of relationship that we have without it sounding incredibly crazy. I'm engaged to be married, as is he. It's never been an issue. This unhealthy relationship of ours has been going on for AT LEAST 10 years. It came to it's breaking point when they found him face down in a pillow with an empty bottle of pills and a loaded 9mm just in case the pills didn't work.

    Some people just aren't stable. They aren't... You can't ever have that on your shoulder's that it's your fault. Granted, some of the fights you guys had may have been an arbiter to it, but you did not personally cause it. Correlation is not always causation. Remember that.


    Nope, it's not your fault that her sexual life is fucked up. God knows my boyfriend when I was younger always threw out the lesbian porn at me. Did that make me what I am today? No, it didn't. I was sexual with girls WAY before I even thought boys were cute. Some people just can't come to terms with their sexuality. I, thankfully am very comfortable with who and what I am. I know I like guys, I know I like girls. You can call me a rug munching cock loving weirdo any time of day and I'll happily chime up and say "Hell yea!"

    Sometimes it takes a lot for people to be comfortable enough in their own body. Don't blame yourself for that.

    Something I do want to point out though, don't ever tell her that she has unrealistic hopes of herself. Yeah, it's not probable, but it can happen. She may be a goofy looking tom boy, but some lesbians, some super fucking hot lesbians are really into the tomboyish girls. It doesn't seem right in some minds, but guess what, it happens.

    You know what, maybe it's true, maybe she would be better off if she didn't meet you, but guess what, she did, deal with it. You'll never know if she would have been better off or worse off without you being there. You have to keep in mind though, You've never seen her, she's never seen you. You have never met but only shared words over the internet and possibly phone. If it weren't you, it could have been any number of other people. Girls or boys that are across the world.

    Relax and let it be. You can't change what's already been done. Maybe suggest that she see a therapist or something.

    *Hugs*
    Don't let this get you too down, some of us have lived through it too.If you need to talk, especially about the first part, you're welcome to private message me and maybe I can help you some more.
     
  3. young_gun_91

    young_gun_91 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Maryland
    No, I never encouraged any of the self-harming behavior. In fact, I was always telling her not to do it. But of course she would just say "it's too late" and drag it out until I had my head on the keyboard. It just became one big fucked up cycle. I honestly believe that she cut herself and it the suicide attempt was very, very real.

    Thank you for telling me this story...it honestly made me feel a lot better. It doesn't sound too crazy to me, and doesn't sound like it was unhealthy (definitely not unhealthy enough for him to try killing himself). Really, thank you because it means so much to me to hear from someone who has gone through something similar. The other people I had talked to weren't paying full attention and just told me "she's fucking with you" or "she's an attention whore" and were not believing my situation too much. That just made me feel worse, to be honest.


    LOL, well I don't think it's weird at all. And I guess she was just uncomfortable in her own skin. She never came out to anyone else but me (that I know of), even though I encouraged her to. She seemed to be really uncomfortable with the idea of others knowing that she was bi. I used to feel good about helping her realize who she was, but not after she started to fall apart.





    Oh, I never told her that. Just thought it to myself. And sorry if that came across as ignorant. She was a really nice girl at heart with a great sense of humor. I never have any doubt in my mind that there is some girl or guy out there that will love her for who she is. She just really needs to get control of herself before she's ready...especially if it is a girlfriend.

    Thank you very much for this reply, it was a big help. You're right...I can't change the past and there's no point in thinking about what happened way back in 2006 when I met her. I had a cell phone back then so we did speak on the phone sometimes, and it usually went pretty well. I guess I should be glad for her sake that I was the one she grew attached to, and not a guy or girl that was truly mean to her. She really does need therapy. The last time we were talking was 6 months ago and she was really mentally unstable it seemed like...changing subjects and constantly asking me about one of my real-life friends that she thought was cute. She doesn't talk to me anymore, but maybe that's for the best?

    There is something I do want to private message you about regarding the first part, but this post has is truly a big help. Like I said, it's great to hear from someone who had a very close friend attempting suicide, and is bisexual and can understand her behavior.

    And thanks for not judging me on the whole internet girlfriend/lesbian porn sender ordeal. That's something I'd never let my friends or family find out about because I know they'd think I'm weird for it.
     
  4. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,509
    Likes Received:
    4,406
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    It's nothing to thank me over and absolutely nothing I would ever judge you for.
    God knows that none of us are without fault so you aren't any different then the rest of us. To judge you would just be wrong.

    But you're welcome. Anything you want to privately say to me or ask me, you're welcome to. I'm fairly open with my life, I have nothing to hide, I just choose not to spread it all over the place. Ya know?

    If you prefer to speak one on one and not just via a message and waiting for a reply, if you have any type of messaging client go ahead and send me a private message with your information. (we can't put personal contact info on the forums)

    I use aim, yahoo, msn, gchat and skype.
    I currently have NO voice. Lol, but I do enjoy talking to fellow forum members on skype. :)


    Let me know how I can help :)
     
  5. Reflect169

    Reflect169 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2010
    Messages:
    268
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Sydney
    can i add you both on skype.......?

    *random comment of the day...achieved*
     
  6. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,509
    Likes Received:
    4,406
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    I private messaged you my info :p
     
  7. Reflect169

    Reflect169 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2010
    Messages:
    268
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Sydney
  8. young_gun_91

    young_gun_91 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Maryland
    I actually don't have Skype, but when I upgrade my computer and internet I'd like to get it. :)