Trying to help gf

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 10_3XL, Aug 14, 2015.

  1. 10_3XL

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    I need some people to help me out here, because I'm at my wits end!

    D has been having a lot of issues with her body image and self-esteem over the last couple of months. She has been putting on weight because with her new work schedule, general life stresses, and other obligations she has not had as much time as she used to for exercising/fitness training.

    The thing is she's not even close to being unhealthily overweight or obese. Also, she's been fortunate and is carrying the weight well -- and in all the places us gentlemen like ladies to have a bit more oomph ;)

    She got especially upset because she had to buy basically a whole new wardrobe of clothing/underwear due to the weight gain/increased measurements.

    I've been doing all I can to keep giving her positive messages and to support her when/how I can. We are both still very strict about keeping our diet healthy and free of junky bullshit. We both still exercise regularly (although she used to do way more at far more intense levels than I do).

    I'm drawing a blank at what more I can do here... Am I missing something completely obvious? :confused:
     
  2. Doitagain

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    Man.....if you figure it out let me know. My wife is always like that and it affects many areas of our lives. Doesn't seem to matter what I say or do and this has been going on for years. Seriously the only thing that seem to give her a lift was when she caught a random stranger look her up and down when she walked by. Compliments in the former of words are takin as lies or " you have to say that " or " you are just trying to make me feel better " . The girl is hot but she is slightly bigger than she was when she was 22 and has since had a child so she doesn't feel good about the way she looks.
    Sorry this is probably not much of any help. I honestly have been working at this for a long time. I have no idea what else I can say or do about it.
     
  3. jt _couple2012

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    Being divorced 3 times before the age of 42 I guess I am the last one you should listen to.
    I was about to say something but I stopped myself so, if I come back with any comments later please don't listen to me.:):)
    God bless u both:D
     
  4. 10_3XL

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    Hey, I'm looking for input of all kinds -- even if it's stuff that I should NOT do. Who knows? You might give me the not-answer I'm looking for. :p:D
     
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  5. 10_3XL

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    Well, I suppose we'll remain clueless (for the time being) together. :p

    She generally doesn't get much from other guys eyeballing her, but she definitely does play the "You have to say that!" card on me a lot. It's like, "No -- I really don't. I could only ever comment on how you look when you're looking disheveled, tired, or sick." Of course - that's one of those replies that I think we all know better than to use. :)

    I'm thinking part of it is that she is so used to being, like, crazy "do an Ironman competition followed by a decathlon followed by a 15 round bout with Ronda Rousey" levels of fit that entering the realm of regular healthy fitness level is very unnerving and disheartening. She's pretty touchy about it, though, so I have to be very political when I discuss it with her -- otherwise she's still perfectly able to kick the living shit out of me (I'm not even gonna pretend differently), so the topic is going largely unbroached. :confused:
     
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  6. jt _couple2012

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    You guys are cracking me up. These thoughts are as simple as figuring out how god looks like. No body will ever have an answer.
    Women claim that men can't hear and men claim that women can't understand. Continuity of life is built on distraction so, don't bother.
    My advice to you both is to go grab a cold beer, relax and show your partner some love regardless. ;)
     
  7. 10_3XL

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    Dude, that's what I am doing -- I'm just looking to see if anyone can give me some more insight into how to help her out with this situation beyond simply saying, "I love you. You're beautiful. I believe in you. I support you. Unconditionally. No matter what."

    I mean -- I know that's all that it takes (or rather, all that it should take), but sometimes it's nice to have an extra card to play in the form of.... ????
     
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  8. jt _couple2012

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    :)
    Have u guys been living where you at for a long time? sometimes moving, getting a new job, dealing with new people gets us exited about a new life.;);) Maybe!!
     
  9. whybother

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    Talk to her about registering for a race. Sounds like a goal might help her, given what you have said.

    Apiece of life advice from a law school professor has always stuck with me. It was our last class of third year so we were all looking past finals at the prospect of trying to pass the bar exam. He said his advice wasn't about the exam itself but that the advice would help. He explained that during busy stressful times, if you don't exercise, you should start. If you do excercise, you should increase. It seems counterintuitive, but it works. Excercise is the best stress reliever. Since she was VERY active, stepping down from that is causing her difficulty.

    Registering for a race, perhaps with an old training partner will help.
     
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  10. MariaMaria

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    You sound like a caring and supportive partner.
    It seems like she's going through a transition in her life & she's "losing" a part of herself that's important to her. The good news is that we're transitioning from one thing to the next all the time. this won't last forever. It might help her to understand that. She's now faced with a situation and she gets to choose how to deal with it. You could try to help her focus on what she *can* do rather on what she's "lost".
    Here's a cool article: http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/consumer/10214.html
    Hope this helps!
     
  11. Sweetlysad

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    Lol I don't think there are any extra cards. Sounds like you are giving her the best support you can.
    Just be carful with your word. Don't focus on the weight gain.
     
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  12. whybother

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    Great article. Putting thatching my favorites.
     
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  13. whybother

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    Re
    Reminds me of another thought. You can be supportive. You can be helpful. You can be loving. You cannot, however, change someone. Ultimately, she is responsible for her own happiness.
     
    #13 whybother, Aug 14, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2015
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  14. xtacy4

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    Remind her how beautiful she is, often. Encourage her when you are exercising. Show her affection. That's pretty much all you can do. The rest is up to her. A woman could have hundreds of men telling her she's beautiful, but ultimately she needs to feel it for herself to really have confidence. Has she worked with a trainer? Sometimes seeing progress, such as getting stronger or noticing more endurance gives a little boost.
     
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  15. BlueCollar

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    Agree 100%. My wife and I are both addicted to our treadmill. And when she gets a little further in her runs and a little faster it does a lot for her self esteem.
     
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  16. Meee

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    I haven't quite absorbed all the other replies yet, so I might repeat something that someone already said. Exercise is a big morale booster even aside from weight gain or reduction. If she is used to exercising and she has had to reduce that, she would feel bad about her body and herself even if there hadn't been an actual change in her size. Appreciating her body as it is with the extra oomph and so on isn't going to help as much as you might hope because she'll still have this morale problem, this sluggish feeling, this guilt about being irresponsible toward her own body, and other complicated feelings. So? The point is to set aside the issue of her size right now and focus and getting her back into exercise for its own sake as a feel-good activity. Work schedule is one thing, but "general life stresses" and "other obligations" tell me that some aspects of her life might have gotten off the track a little and she needs to take charge again (with your help) and make the time for her body and well being. Good luck.
     
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  17. sandwich

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    Yes, you are missing something obvious (if she is like me and most women I know).

    Here is the pattern:

    Woman has a problem and may even fret or vocalize about it.
    Man tends to be a fix it guy....he decides to help her fix the problem with words and/or action.
    Woman does not want to be fixed by man. She really only needs someone to listen.
    Man gets frustrated because his words and actions are not helping to fix the problem, so what does he do?
    Man tries additional words, actions and fix it strategies.
    Woman feels like she is not getting what she needs (to be listened to) so she gets frustrated with man and may even vocalize her negative thoughts about his efforts.
    Man feels like no matter what he does or says it's not good enough and eventually withdraws in defeat.
    Woman feels like man does not care because he would not just sit back and listen.

    Women talk a whole lot more than men. Our tendency is to vocalize our issues, thereby getting them out of our head. We can't have these issues swimming around in our head (aka stress) and resolve them at the same time. Only after we get it all out to someone who will just listen without giving advice can we proceed with what we are going to do. We don't need you to figure it out for us because we process out loud. The very act of getting it out without interruption helps us to gain perspective and know what to do (not always right away but fairly soon).

    Men, being different from women, can end up feeling like failures if they don't realize that all they need to do is listen. They think their finest problems solving ideas are being rejected, and sometimes that makes them feel rejected on the inside.

    If a woman wants advice she will tell you, but unless she asks, a listening approach is your best bet. Let her clear her head in front of you, and she will figure it out. She will feel loved by your listening.
     
  18. jt _couple2012

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    Well, here is a beautiful idea...:p you guys quit your jobs, sell your home and move to Australia for a change; or go to Italy and learn some Italian..!!:D:D
    I just wanted to make you laugh, you are a very smart and educated guy 10_3XL and I am sure that you are gonna take care of her. It's obvious that you care and I am sure that she knows it. Just give her some time and she'll be ok.
    :):)
     
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  19. 10_3XL

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    Thank you, everyone for the major pouring in of responses. All of them have been helpful and insightful. :)

    Shout outs to @whybother @MariaMaria @Meee and @sandwich for giving me some great things to reflect on and also to work on. (I'm not trying to play favorites, y'all, I swear! Those were just the ones that really stood out - but all were great replies!)
     
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  20. lbushwalker

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    Slap her bare behind and say; hey fatso let's go for a run/jog, ok walk.
    But join her!
     
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