Trying to forget

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by georgiegirl, Feb 14, 2005.

  1. georgiegirl

    georgiegirl New Member

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    Hi everyone! This is my first time on this forum. I have a situation that I'm not sure how to deal with. I've been going out with my bf for more than a year. We both fell in love with each other and we get on really well. For the last four months or so he's been at uni and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend he comes over to see me. At Christmas we got into bother. He was acting really strange a few weeks before. He started going out with his friends on the week day that we should meet. He claims that he wanted to be on his own, do his work and go out with his friends. I was ok at first but then got paranoid about the situation. Sometimes he would say that he wanted to have fun with his friends and dance with other girls (he would add it was only a dance). The week before xmas I got strange signalls from him. Sometimes he would answer the phone as if I was a stranger, say he would call back - but didn't. I would ask if we were okay and he would say yes. That week was really strange - I had strong feelings that something wasn't right and I was right. He had started to see someone else. I found out that he slept with her but no sexual intercourse had taken place. We had a stormy xmas when he came home. Todate, things are better but I'm still not sure about what he does when he's away. A few weekends ago he didn't come home and when I tried to contact him - I couldn't. When I managed to get him on the phone on the sunday, I was brushed off and not spoken to until the next day. Since then he has tried to make it up by asking me to come over. Well last week I went out and met this guy who is really attractive. He took an interest in me. I ended up staying with him that night. I don't know if I feel guilty or not. I just keep thinking well, he's done this to me so forget about it. I love my bf to bits - don't get me wrong, but the way how's he's treated me, anyone else would have ditched him by now and I've been told to do so. I was even told by one of his room mates that he had taken a girl to his room - but he denies this. I know two wrongs do not make a right. Some advice please.
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Many couples have many different arrangements.

    Honesty is ordinarily something to stirve for. If you are interested or content with an open dating relationship, and maybe an open marriage, eventually, it would still be better to have a little more honesty, I would think. You probably don't have to get into hurtful details unnecessarily.

    Is there anyway you could bring the subject up? Finding a way to bring up a difficult topic, in a considerate manner is a challenge in many relationships.

    Perhaps something like, "It seems that I have some indications that you would like to continue dating, or at least dancing, while you and I are continuing to date each other. Does this mean, that if I date other guys, that you are OK with that? Do you feel that swinging and swapping is cool, or what are your real feelings? As it stands, it seems you are giving me permisson to date other guys, while we are still girl friend and boy friend. I just bring this up, because I have objected to your dancing with other women, and your refusal to account for some of your recreational time. I really want to make our realtionship work, but I want to be sure you have thought out the messages you are sending me."

    "Do you have a problem with self-dscipline with other women? Drinking too much? Otherwise being irresponsible? Is there anything you are planning to do about improving your self-control?''

    "Do you see me as a stepping stone? Is there something you feel I need to work on?"

    "How are we fulfilling each other's emotional needs? Where could we do better?"

    Blessings
     
    #2 Logger, Feb 14, 2005
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2005
  3. georgiegirl

    georgiegirl New Member

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    Thanks for your reply. I've tried on many occasions to ask those questions. I've asked him if its okay for someone to take me out. I even did that and when I told him he went mad. He told me that if I did sleet with someone else it would be over and I don't want that. I do see myself as a stepping stone for him and I guess I'm waiting for it to end. I think last week I was just seeing what it was like to stay with someone else with no strings attached and I'm scared that I may do it again if I feel lonely and rejected. I know I can't be honest with him - just as he cannot be honest with me - even with the evidence in his face.

    Lately, when we've been making love it doesn't seem as intense as it used to be and that's because of what happened over xmas. I'm looking for ideas to see if I can make it more exciting.

     
  4. Logger

    Gold Member

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    So you have one answer, that BF prefers to keep you for himself. His statement that it is over if you go out with someone else may be true, or it may just be an expression of his feelings of love and jealousy for you.

    There are many ideas on this board for increasing sexual pleasure. Have you tried any particualr search words? Have you looked under Foreplay? Is ther a way open to you to increase his satiation? Do you have any blocks to increasing his satiation, that he has told you about? The idea is that if you increase his satiation during lovemaking with you, then he will be less interested in other women.

    I personally post on this board to become a better lover.

    You did not answer the idea about other emotional needs that you fill for each other. You meniton you feel a feeling of love for BF.

    I try to phrase my requests into little nuggets, and then just let them drop. "It would be nice if you could let me know what you are doing with your free time, so I would have a feeling you are interested in reciprocating my faithfulness to you."


    Here is a link to Emotional Needs Questionaires: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

    Here are some references:


    Affection
    Sexual Fulfillment
    Conversation
    Recreational Companionship
    Honesty and Openness
    Physical Attractiveness
    Financial Support
    Domestic Support
    Family Commitment
    Admiration


    Compatibiliby Test:

    Couple Compatability Test

    Drucilla Thread
    Drucilla Thread on Eanneagram Copmpatiablity test


    MARITAL BEDROOM:

    "101 Nights of Great Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples"

    Board Game: Enchanted Evening

    Various Opinions on Erotic Videos
     
  5. DJ & TJ

    DJ & TJ New Member

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    You don't deserve this treatment.

    Say "Bye, Bye" and work towards meeting someone who will treat you like a queen. (as in royalty)
     
  6. georgiegirl

    georgiegirl New Member

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    Thanks for your suggestions and ideas, i'll look into them. You are right he can be jealous but in an underlying way that you don't think he is.

     
  7. Logger

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    DJ and TJ may have a point. There ia a new book,WALK AWAY WOMAN, which describes how many women find it easier to walk away, rather than work things out. I personally try to post from the point of view of helping a couple to work things out. I am personally trying to make my marriage work. I am married to a Scoprio, and I am not sure that my wife as that much emotional character to pass up an opportunity to cheat on me.

    One thing to try for is for you to find a comfortable way to express your wishes, yet in a loving way.

    How about, "Now if you find yourself looking at another woman, or talking to another woman longer than necessary, I want you to go home and call me for some phone sex. I am trying to be your girl friend, and I want you to try to be my boy friend."

    It could be a boundary approach would be helpful. Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, means first looking to yourself, to follow your BF's wishes to the best extent possible, and then defining carefully what your real interests are, and finding a way to ask for what you want. You con't have to get an answer back if he does not want to talk about it. You can still ask in a way that lets the subject drop. "I sure hope you don't run into any temptation while we are apart. I'd like to feel my love can blind you being able to even look at another woman."

    Blessings
     
    #7 Logger, Feb 15, 2005
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2005
  8. georgiegirl

    georgiegirl New Member

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    Thanks for that. He's a taurus and I'm cancer. The funny thing is the guy is also a taurus - the exact date as my bf. I've read where we're suppose to be blazing in bed which my b/f and I are. There has been some magical moments but because of things happening recently, its been a bit clouded. Nevermind.

     
  9. Logger

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    Dear Georgie Girl,

    As a cancer, you have many home making qualities and instincts that can make a relationship a pleasure to your man. Your challenge might be to translate your feelings of disappointment in your man, into loving requests.

    My wife, a Scorpio is great at criticizing and complaining, and it would be nice if she put a little consideration into her ideas, before she starts brining things up.

    Today, I asked my wife if we could have some time for pleasure. We had been making love for about 5 minutes, and my wife was making comments on how she disliked some of the things I have in our bedroom. I asked her if we could put aside our wishes for a few minutes, and just enjoy each other. W seemed to go along with the idea for that period of time. It was nice.

    Blessings
     
  10. itsnikki

    itsnikki New Member

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    Maybe look at the situation like this; if one of your best friends were going through this same situation what would you say to them. You would probably say; you deserver better, any guy that doesn't treat you right isn't worth your time. Try to move on :)
     
  11. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I wouldnt "ditch" him, But I certainly would go ahead and date the other guy
    as often as the 2 of you like. Even to the point of dating the weekend your boyfriend is home.
    Ovbiously he is not sure he wants you so give what you get.
    Their is no worst serino here. If he knows you are dating someone else.
    He will correct the problems if he wants you. And you may end up with a guy that loves you more than your so called boyfriend.
    .