Trying really hard to have mutually satisfying sex, please help

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by okhereiam, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. okhereiam

    okhereiam New Member

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    I don't know where to begin, there are a lot of parts to this.

    My girlfriend of 1 year and I have had a challenging time with sex for one reason or another all year long. Early on, she
    was unable to have sex for 1-2 months on two separate occasions. Both times were infections of some sort, we have
    concluded that it's because she's small, and I'm big, and we didn't use lube in the beginning, multiple times in a row, or
    over a few days, which stretched her out too much and invited infection by cracking/chafing/cutting her inside. She saw a
    doctor, got treated, but it was a long time to get over both these infections, and it was really uncomfortable for her.

    This has really traumatized her psyche. A lot. She'll get all tense thinking about this and tightens up to the point where
    she can't stop thinking about it and we have to stop having sex. She doesn't like having sex unless she can shower right
    away, now, either. Certain positions frighten her because she thinks I'll pop out and hurt her in the process (this happened
    once). To add to this, she's been told she's prone to urinary tract infections because of a short urethra (she's had 1 or two of those in the last year and has always had a lot of those in the past).

    Anyways, we use lube now and that seems to be working well, (aside from her thinking we need lube right away at all
    times no matter what, which I think we can get over, but that's the least of our worries right now)

    Now, over this time getting to know her, I've since also found out that:
    -She doesn't enjoy oral sex on her
    -She doesn't really get much out of fingering and her g spot doesn't do anything
    -Doggy style or from-behind of any sort isn't something she likes (I hit her bladder because she's small)

    She says the only way she really gets off is by clitoral and that she doesn't "feel anything" with penetration, at least
    enough to orgasm.

    Now: Add on to this other psychological issues -
    -intimidated/afraid of my size
    -dealing with a loss of a pet this year who she was extremely close to
    -not feeling like she sexually pleases me because her sex drive is a lot lower
    -overthinking sex because she thinks she is not pleasing me or doing it right
    -worried about room mates hearing the slightest noise she makes

    I'm at the point where it feels like the cards are really stacking against us. I'm trying everything I can to help us both have
    a good sex life. We got over the infections, but we are still really being affected by her memories of all this. I can tell a ton
    of it is in her head, well, basically all of it - she'll repetitively think about things over and over while we are having sex and
    we can't even go on. I can tell she gets tense and it overcomes her. It's to the point where she's just lying there not doing
    much and I have to just stop, or ask her if something's wrong, and it either offends her or makes her feel miserable.
    Sometimes she just doesn't get into it, I can't tell if it's things that I have mentioned which are bothering her, or if
    that's just the way she is - a little more reserved with sex and not as energetic??

    I've brought up some of these things with her it has made her even more self conscious about everything, because at times I have pointed out that she's not 'into it' enough - distracted from memories of her infections, tired/just trying to
    please me, conscious about room mates, tense, whatever - but the point is that me doing that has made her feel even
    more self conscious, it's like a downward spiral.

    I legitimately feel like this entire year has gone this way. We barely had fully passionate and satisfying-for-the-both-of-us
    sex, maybe a handful of times. I love her and she's like my dream come true. It makes me really sad that this is the
    state of our sex life.

    I don't even know what someone could offer for advice because all of this seems like a jumble of random instances,
    or environmental circumstances, or things that have happened in the past that we just need to get over, but...

    I guess what is really confusing/I have no idea how to fix is her psychological things going on - memories of the past
    infections - her over thinking whether or not she's satisfying me..

    I am also completely confused about how her g spot does nothing, how fingering doesn't do much, and how she doesn't
    like oral sex - this combined with our being unable to do a good amount of sex positions because of my size makes it
    hard for me to feel like I even please her. She reaches orgasm pretty easily otherwise, but I can tell her head isn't in it
    most of the time, either because she's distracted, or maybe she's not and it's just me getting used to her more reserved
    style of sex.

    Any advice at all would help. I have no idea what anyone could even say to this but anything would help.
     
    #1 okhereiam, Dec 27, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  2. Paula

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    Now there is a good start I think
     
  3. okhereiam

    okhereiam New Member

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    That helps. I mean, she can get off really easily, which is good, but it's quick, then she's done for.

    I guess I should have mentioned that the foreplay lacks. She doesn't seem
    interested or passionate or sex-thirsty about it. This sets the tone for most of our sex,
    at least it does in my head..I can't help it.

    Telling her "you're not _____ enough or you're not _____ enough" is basically impossible
    without making her feel terrible. So I end up not knowing what to do.

    This is made more exaggerated because of our issues with certain positions not working,
    or with her psychological things going on in her head, etc.

    It's like all of these little things are rolling into a big wall between us and enjoyable sex.
    It seems to never end, it's a combination of all of these things *and* our different sex
    styles clashing. She seems very reserved either from just being that way, or being distracted,
    or both, while I am throwing her around and waiting for her to give me that energy back.
    I can't help but get dismayed, she can tell, then she feels terrible.

    I feel like I'm complaining, or nitpicking, but at the same time, all of these things are so foreign to me, I
    have never experienced anything like this and it's really a challenge to get over all of this. I feel terrible for her
    more than anything because she feels like she can't satisfy me. It's just sex, but at the same time it is really affecting
    our relationship, not having functional sex is making us feel more distant than we actually should be, or want to be.
     
  4. Paula

    Gold Member

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    Is there a way that you can withhold your desire? At least for some time?

    Take some time.

    But I think she will never be ready for you.
     
  5. okhereiam

    okhereiam New Member

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    What do you mean by withhold my desire, I'm confused..
     
  6. Paula

    Gold Member

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    to think about your relationship
     
  7. okhereiam

    okhereiam New Member

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    ........?
     
  8. Paula

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    you 2 don't match. Clear enough?
     
  9. okhereiam

    okhereiam New Member

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    You were of zero help. Anyone else?
     
  10. kinda_hung

    kinda_hung New Member

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    Our sex life is kind of similar.

    My wife has gotten bad UTIs in the past. I have no idea why. But she just started getting them bad yrs ago.

    My Wifes pussy is very sensitive to lubes. We really haven't found one she likes. So.... Getting her juices flowing is the best thing to do. I'm not massively hung at 7x 5. She can accomodate me just fine. But if she's not lubed properly and excited then trying to shove my cock inside her does nothing but irritate her urethra.

    So, get her in the mood for sex. Buy a good vibrator! Use it on her or tell her to tease herself. Make sure she doesn't get off. Wait until her juices are flowing and dripping out her pussy. Then use your fingers to open her up. But stay away from her piss slit! When she's ready put your cock in and have her use the vibe on her clit. You will both like it.

    A couple thoughts on infections on a woman. She needs to be more pro active instead of reactive. Make sure she eats lots of yogurt. Good bacteria for a woman. Lots of cranberry juice and pills. Take them daily. Also get her a kegel exerciser. Helps with her bladder control and if she tones her muscles she will be able to milk your cock and it feels awesome!

    One other thing. Are you circumcised? If you are you are creating lots of friction during sex. Start to restore your foreskin if you are cut. Sex for both of you will be way better! Good luck.
     
    #10 kinda_hung, Dec 27, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2011
  11. RideNaked2

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    Is it possible that there are issues beyond sexual? Could be something that she has tucked away back in her head someplace and doesn't even realize she has? Has there been abuse of some type in her life? I would suggest counseling. In Mho, it sounds like she has issues that may not even have to do with sex. Something worth a thought anyway ???

    If you really love this girl than it will all be worth all the frustrations you are feeling right now...it sounds like you are trying real hard to be understanding. Offer to attend counseling with her.

    Keep us updated and good luck!
     
  12. Meee

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    Oh dear. There are much better ways to respond than that. When I see that and this quote as well--

    --I'm thinking you might have an abrasive style and a negative way of communicating. You're right--saying "You're not _____ enough" is going to make her feel terrible. Find positive ways to say the same things. "I love it when you ______. Please ______ some more."

    Two other thoughts come to mind. The privacy issue with the roommates really can be a big problem. How old are you and she? You might need to get to a stage of life where you can have a real home and independence and privacy before you can develop a really free and comfortable sex life.

    Also, a lot of your complaints are about sex that involves penetration. Penetration seems to be what you're talking about when you talk about wanting to have "functional sex." So here's a suggestion:

    Ban penetration from your sex life for a while. Explore all the other ways to give each other pleasure and/or to get each other off. The infections, the size, and so on--just set all those issues aside for a while. There are a lot of advantages to this:

    It will let the stress level go down for a while.
    It will make things more comfortable and less complicated.
    It will help the two of you discover new ways to be intimate.
    It will give you a chance to develop communication between you in situations where the stakes are lower.
    It will let her have more control about what she wants to do with her body and yours, and how much noise she makes, and so on.

    Good luck.
     
    #12 Meee, Dec 28, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2011