Trust Issues

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by miss_nastyass, Sep 2, 2007.

  1. miss_nastyass

    miss_nastyass New Member

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    I need some advice. This sort of goes with BigHiker's "do you check up on your S/O" thread, but on the flip side.

    Here's my situation. I write on the computer a fair bit, stories, journal, etc. I have always offered my stories to my BF to read once they are finished. I don't like anyone to read them before that. He has only bothered to read one. I've also told him that he could read my journal if he wanted, I have nothing to hide from him. He has always responded no, that he doesn't need to, he trusts me blah blah etc.
    So... yesterday, I was writing in my journal and had to go outside to hang out washing. When i came back to my computer, my journal had been closed, I know for a fact that I didn't close it, I minimized it to the task bar... Which leads me to the conclusion that while I was outside, my BF was looking through my journal and HE has closed it by accident when I came back inside.
    I don't get it! Why would someone do that? He says he trusts me, but they don't sound like the actions of someone who trusts their partner...
     
  2. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    OK, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not trying to get you. :lol

    Is he stupid? Is he a computer dummy? Why would he close it if he knew it was open?

    If you told me I could read your journal I'd read it. I think most guys would. It's odd, to me, that he'd say he didn't want to read it. If he did read it, why wouldn't he just be sitting there reading it when you came back in?

    Could have read it some other time, ie, does he know where it is on the computer? Is it passworded?

    Maybe you accidentally closed it?????

    OK, I just got done being NO help. :lol
     
  3. Bluesy

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    Wait, you told him he could read your journal if he wanted...so, why are you upset? I don't know. It kind of sounds to me like maybe he wants you to think that he's above all that, that it will make him seem like the stereotypical jealous lover if he reads your stuff, even with permission, but secretly he really wants to. Or maybe curiosity got the better of him that time. It would be awfully tempting to read something, whatever it may be, if it's glowing in big letters on a computer screen and you just happen to be walking past... And then maybe he was embarrassed that he'd read it and hurriedly left. I would chalk this up to natural human curiosity rather than a breach of trust.
     
  4. miss_nastyass

    miss_nastyass New Member

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    Bluesy, I'm not angry or upset, just extremely confused! I really don't understand why, when he had been given permission, he did it behind my back, so to speak...
    Although, your theory about not wanting to "seem like the stereotypical jealous lover" has got me thinking. I must admit, I hadn't considered that. His only other serious relationship ended because of her cheating. That's why I've always tried to be so open and honest with him, so that he is reassured that he can trust me.
     
    #4 miss_nastyass, Sep 3, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2007
  5. aussiebloke

    aussiebloke New Member

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    Just sounds like he wants to read it, but for whatever reason doesn't want you to know that he does actually want to read it. There are plenty of reasons why he mightn't want to admit his desire to read it, as Bluesy mentioned.
     
  6. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Time out; if he has trust issues from before you, that is his problem, not yours, and it is not your place or your responsibility to modify your behavior in any way in order to 'reassure' him. If you are 'trying' anything then you are distorting who you are and that messes you up, messes the relationship up and does not give him a clear picture of what 'normal' is, or at least your normal, to get comfortable with and grow to trust.

    Now, that may sound like gobblydegook but it is most decidedly not. Are you an honest, trustworthy person to begin with? Then act like it, not like an person trying to act extra honest or extra open.

    It's up to him to resolve that the woman who cheated on him cheated because she is a cheater, not because of anything he did.

    You can be understanding and that's fine, but understand it for what it is. Look at how put off you are that he, after all you've done to help him, would dare exhibit a behavior that says he doesn't trust you.

    Bluesy may well be 100% right and wouldn't you feel like an azz messing up that which you are trying to create via an over reaction or, worse, a flat out wrong one? Best not to be making things up, including uber trust. You are honest and trustworthy however much you are. Same with him. Same with me. Same with all of us. Let that be and then, when something odd happens, it can be what it is instead of perhaps something more.

    After all, if what Bluesy suggested is what happened, then he'll grow to trust you more knowing his embarrassment is a secret. If you confront him, it's gonna leave a bruise. So, let it be. You did give him the green light. See if he doesn't come around after awhile, feeling a little guilty and fess up.

    Betcha a $1 he wants you to trust him as much as you want him to trust him.

    So, understanding. Give it some time. You'll see how he is over time and, before long, it all falls into place and you'll find you've known him pretty much from day 1.
     
  7. miss_nastyass

    miss_nastyass New Member

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    Thanks for the insightful reply, LPj.

    As far as I know, he doesn't know that I know what he did. I haven't said anything. I don't know what to say...
    Now that the initial shock has worn off, I'm more disappointed than anything. I know I gave him the go ahead to read it, but he still essentially went behind my back and tried to hide the fact from me. That's the part I don't understand.
    I guess I thought that after nearly 5 years together, he would have realised that I'M not the same sort of person she was. :(
     
  8. grow4it

    grow4it New Member

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    I know it's a tricky topic, but for your relationship's sake it might be better if you simply ask him. Maybe the poor bloke did it by accident, maybe he closed it because he thought you were finished with it.
     
  9. Silent22

    Silent22 New Member

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    Maybe he was just afraid of a confrontation at the time you asked him to read your journal. If by chance he read something he didnt like he did not want to start a fight.

    The fact that he says he trusts you. You have to trust him that hes being truthful when hes saying that. Maybe he went on the computer for himself and minimized the screen you had up to open his own? There are other possibilities then him snooping. If my sister is on the PC and her email is up I minimize it... Not close it or read it. Just to get to my stuff.

    Maybe you could try reading him one of your journal entries withouth asking him if he wants to.. Or read a story to him, and see how he reacts??