Trouble on the Horizon with Wife!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by swc345, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. swc345

    swc345 New Member

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    Hello, I am 33 and have been with my wife now for 6 years (married 3 of those years). In the beginning our sexual encounters were intense and OFTEN, although she has always been a bit timid or shy about experimenting during sex. We would openly discuss it and she would express her desire to try certain things such as anal sex, her swallowing and she even expressed a deep desire to be with another women. We would watch porn together and she would get so hot, it was like sex with a different woman (A WILD WOMAN). What I did find VERY odd was that unless porn, alcohol or a little herb was involved, she would never make the first move, NEVER. She would rarely give during oral sex yet she received every single time, but I love giving and didn't mind at all. Of course if I mentioned wanting her to perform orally on myself then she would and it would be ok, but at certain times she would want to do it herself without me asking and "WOW" it would be off the charts. During those monthly cycles when we couldn't indulge, never did she attempt to take care of me. I always make it a point that she has the big O before I finish and that the road to the big O is great but she never seems to want to do the same for me.

    Anyways lately she has lost interest in all those things she once found eager to accomplish. We have fallen to maybe once a week and even then I have to make sure it gets done since she can't hardly do it lying there like a bag of potatoes. I mean I am 33 years old and she is going to be 30 in a month or so and she acts like she is 90. What can I do, if anything to get things at least back to the way they were. Can anyone give me any guidance on the approach I need to take. Sorry for typing a novel here, just wanted to try and explain it all. Thanks for any help you can give me.
     
  2. Dreama

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    Maybe you should speak with her about it...
     
  3. justthegirl

    justthegirl New Member

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    i agree, you should definitely speak with her. try to keep in mind that she may be under stress (you didnt mention that so i dont know) or having body issues, if she doesnt feel sexy she's probably not going to act like it. im sure by now you know how to approach things with her so just be gentle, it's a tough conversation for both parties. you could also try something romantic, like going away for the weekend, lighting candles at home or even just finding a different place to do it.
    best wishes!
     
  4. Barbwire

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    Talk to your wife and try to find out where her heads at. Don't be afraid to tell her your concerns.

    Marriage is hard work and its a challenge to keep things new and interesting in the bedroom, but it's worth it. It can't be done if only one of the people in the partnership is willing to try, though, and I think that is what kills most marriages.

    Are you still in seduction mode with her, like you were when you were dating and newlyweds, or are you complacent figuring she's yours for the taking so why bother with wooing and such?

    I can't speak for all women, but I started to feel like I was being taken for granted after being married for a few years. My husband wasn't like he used to be, had quit being romantic and placed more emphasis on having sex instead of making love.

    Do you have children? If so, I can speak from personal experience that it's an exhausting job and tends to sap your soul and your sense of who you are. In my case, that lead to depression and my husband's lack of making me feel desirable didn't help much.

    We kind of drifted along like that for years until I hit 40 and turned into a sexual dynamo, in part due to the fact that I had my first online lover come into my life. He made me feel sexy, desirable and needed, all the things my husband had made me feel when we first started out together. I finally got the courage up to talk to my husband about how I felt and things started to change from there.

    The last 3 years have been metamorphic in our marriage, and the changes, for the most part, have been wonderful. We still have our issues, but get through them because we talk things out and try to treat each other like we are still dating.







     
  5. scaldwel007

    scaldwel007 New Member

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    I have approached her with my concerns and she says she understands some of my issues, but then she tells me that she is sorry she can't be that porn star that I want her to be and that throws me for a loop. I understand that I may have overwhelmed her with all the issues at once, but I don't think that they are unreasonable. Then I try to understand were the porn star remark come from and can't actually pin that one down neither. I often think that I should just put it aside for now and maybe things will get better but then they seem to get worse. I know in my heart and in my head that she is the most complicated and sometimes conflicted woman I have ever known but there is something so beautiful, sexy and unremarkable about her that makes me want to love her for the rest of my life, even if I have to do all the loving.

    We do have 3 kids (I have 1 son, she has 1 son and a daughter - boys r 12 & 11 and the girl is 8). Of course we have normal problems that you have with kids, but nothing terrible. Also she is turning 30 in a month and she has been talking about it for months and how she doesn't want to be 30. I think she is gonna be one of those that thinks her life is over since she is 30. Could this be an issue?
     
  6. Barbwire

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    How did you manage to get 2 different user ID's?

    With raising 3 kids, it's somewhat remarkable that she's got time or interest in sex at all. I suppose turning 30 could have something to do with her attitude towards sex. Tell her if it's any consulation, turning 40 is a whole lot better. ;)
     
  7. HardRocker

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    You need to lose one of those user names. More than one is against the SF rules. PM me and tell me which one you want to keep and I will dispose of the other one.
     
  8. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I've gone through the same thing with my wife. I've been frustrated by the lack of interest in sex and we had countless conversations about my frustrations.

    I took her to dinner one night and asked her some frank and direct questions because I wanted to get to the root of the problem. She was very honest with me and basically said the sex was so hot in the beginning because things were new. In the beginning we did things like have anal sex and sex outdoors, sex in dept. stores, etc etc. She was like your wife, a sexual dynamo.

    I was very honest and said I felt like maybe now that she knows "I'm hers" so to speak, that maybe she was taking me for granted. I went on to explain that I felt like I was the only one trying to keep things fresh and bring new ideas into the bedroom. That I was growing very frustrated with being the one who had to always initiate sex.

    I would wait for a week or more to give her a chance to initiate sex many times, and she almost never did. I would try to encourage her to take over in the bedroom like she used to, and she rarely if ever did. It really frustrated me.

    I told her I wanted to see she was interested in sex. When she initiated it, it was a huge turn on and showed me she really wanted me.

    I then said that to keep our sex life hot for the next 10,20, 30+ years would take both of us working together to keep the fires stoked. That we were partners and I felt it was unfair to put that burden on me to be the dominant one... the initiator... and the imaginative one in the bedroom.

    I was careful not to place all the blame on her. I pointed out that because of my frustration, there were many times I wouldn't wake up in the mornings and hold her like I used to do in the beginning. I wouldn't hug her as much, or kiss her like I used to.

    I'd like to say our conversation changed everything, but it did make a difference. Things have gotten much, much better over the last 6 months. I had to step back from everything and realize my behavior wasn't helping the situation...

    In the past as I said I would cuddle with her every morning, kiss her every chance I got, and hug her. I would also not think so much about things... if I wanted to put ice cream on her ass and eat it off her... I just did it. When she stopped being so sexual, I started to overthink stuff... should I do this.. maybe she doesn't want to... is now the right time?

    So I got back to doing all of those things again. If she gets out of the shower and looks really hot in her new thong panties, I just go and take her... I dont' worry about if she has to be at work in 20 mins. If she says no, then I deal with it and don't pout... and I tell her I'll finish things later... in the past I would get pissed off when she said "not now", so I pretty much stopped being spontaneous. In reality,I wasn't even giving her a chance to say "no".

    In the end, you can only control what you do bro. You can't control her behavior. I've learned that by starting to do those things I did when we were first together, has really helped us become closer again.
     
  9. Barbwire

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    Fliteskates, how'd ya get to be so darned smart? :bow
     
  10. Dreama

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    Good job, Fliteskates! I think you're right on the money.
     
  11. Dragon_Fire

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    Excellent post, Fliteskates. I wish more men were like you.
     
  12. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Thanks, ladies, but unfortunately it took me awhile to figure this all out.

    I wish I could tell him there is an easy solution, but there really isn't it. Something like this takes a whole lot of time and patience.

    Almost any guy will tell you that a lot of our ego is based on sex and having it often. So it is a very difficult thing to put your ego aside and also understand that you can't control what your wife/gf does.

    You can only control what you do. If you can put your ego aside and accept "no" just means, "not right now" and not "I don't want you"... it does make a world of difference.

    SWC, don't assume your wife is a mind reader. You need to show your wife the things you want her to do to you. Guide her for awhile, then let her know how much you wish she would do those things on her own. When she does finally do things on her own, let her know how great it felt and give her a lot of positive feedback... even during the act.

    You said she turned 30 and doesn't feel good about it. So shower her with compliments and affection. Make her feel sexy and loved. Compliment her when you are out.. whisper something sexy in her ear that you love about her. Make it something unique you have never told her before.

    Many times I'll just say what's on my mind... the other day she bent over to get some cereal at the grocery store and I walked up behind her and said I loved the view, then pressed myself into her and asked if she wanted to hump right there...

    Sometimes I talk dirty like that to her, other times I will compliment what she is wearing.. or something she does that is sexy to me. My one rule is if I think it, I say it. If it's dirty or nice, I just say it (as long as it is positive). Other times I walk up behind her when we are out and massage her ass or rub her clit through her pants... even if we are in the store. I make sure it doesn't look crude and I'm subtle about it... others may not know what I'm doing, but she and I do...
     
  13. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    i am totally in your situation. pretty much the same exact thing. i know stress has a lot to do with it because we are in some financial dire straits, but we do have a roof over our heads and food and water and clothes and so on, the essentials. it doesn't matter she is still stressed. and i know that has a lot to do with it but i think there are other things too.

    anyway, it seems like it is easier sometimes to walk away, but with kids you just can't and it sucks.
     
  14. HardRocker

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    Congratulations, Skates, learning that was a difficult accomplishment in keeping the vows alive. You get a free " I Get It! " t-shirt. What's your size?

    Don't be to upset if sometime you find yourselves facing the same hurdle again and thinking: damn, haven't we been here before? But that's life.
     
  15. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I thought about that... walking away. It was never a serious thought... but one of those random feelings you have when you are mad. But I always realized that if I had left my wife, then g/f at the time, the same problems or even ones I hadn't thought of, would of just crept up with almost any other woman over time.

    Plus I was madly in love with her as well. So I reasoned that the best course of action was communication, patience, and understanding.

    This is what SWC is going to have to figure out on his own as well...
     
  16. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I've been there a dozen times bro. Constantly having the same conversations with her. But I wasn't asking the right questions.

    When I took her out to dinner that night, I asked the hard questions. The ones that opened some wounds, but they had to be cut open for us to heal our problems.

    Like I said, I wish I could say that conversation changed everything back to how it used to be. However, it has helped change things around though. We aren't swinging from the ceiling like we used to, but there has been a dramatic improvement.

    That is the most important thing I am trying to stress to SWC - there is no easy solution. It will take time and a load of patience and understanding. Gotta put your ego in your back pocket and leave it there.
     
  17. HardRocker

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    I wonder if he's come back to read any of his thread.
     
  18. Squirt

    Squirt New Member

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    This is such a wonderful and truthful thread. Glad it was posted because it spoke much of what I have been trying to tell my man. I sent him the link and hope he read it, but it also gave me the words I was looking for to tell him.

    Him being out of town has put a damper on our relationship. (Although we did have an amazing time last weekend) But I have realized that my sex drive has been down since he isn't here doing the little things. I know he can do some things from afar but I don't think he knows how or what. That is what we were discussing last night.
     
  19. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Reading your posting I am left to wonder if a part of the issue is length of relationship. From my experience at some point in a relationship the relationship moves from trying new things, sexually, to being able to connect on an emotional level. With the demands of work, children, other demands, and family commitments it can make connecting difficult. The best thing is do take some time alone and see if you can re-connect.
     
  20. swc345

    swc345 New Member

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    WOW!
    This post has received more replies than I would have ever imagined! You have given me great advice and I appreciate it. Thanks to all who have taken the time!

    I will keep you posted on the results.........