Toxic relationship habits

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by 10_3XL, Dec 27, 2015.

  1. 10_3XL

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    I came across this article and thought I'd share to get some thoughts and take on its contents.

    http://qz.com/580940/toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/

    I've seen (and probably even posted evidence of) these sorts of behavior quite a bit here on SF over my time here... usually by people in unhappy/unpleasant relationship situations.

    I also want to note that these aren't necessarily exclusive habits to romantic relationships -- they're pretty toxic and occur even in platonic relationships.
     
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  2. Sagittarius84

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    Lol...not going to lie, up until my late 20's, i thought #3 and #5 were normal female behaviors
     
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  3. backcheck64

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    Good article, I've seen those behaviors in other relationships, never had a problem with any myself.
     
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  4. Cappy_Dick

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    @10_3XL

    Good read. I too, up to a certain point in my life, thought ALL of these were normal female behavior. Sadly, finding one that doesn't play these games is proving to be extremely difficult.

    xx
     
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  5. lbushwalker

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    Thank you @10_3XL I sent that link to my GF who appreciated it because she is implicated in many if not all those points and indeed thought it all quite normal; shows the kind of accepting, lay back, tolerant dude I am ;)
    My thanks also because I found the following article(s) very refreshing and enlightening indeed.
     
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  6. 10_3XL

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    I'm glad to see that a few of the gentlemen here appreciated the article and took something from it.

    Kind of disappointed that there hasn't been any female feedback as of yet.
     
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  7. sandwich

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    Well I suppose it's all because of females these things happen. Seriously though, these behaviors are not restricted to women. I suppose the world would be more pleasant and productive if we all looked to ourselves to check for these things as opposed to looking mostly at what our partner does. We are so quick to point out what the other person does, and we spend our time complaining about that when maybe we have issues we could work on. We can't change and control the other person after all. Humans do not like to examine themselves but are very adept at pointing fingers. Lecture over lol.

    Anyway, I have sometimes been the hint dropper if I am going to be at all honest. Part of this is that I do not like conflict, and at times I am a big chicken and won't be direct when directness is called for. I don't do petty things to piss anyone off as discussed in the article, but I sometimes say little things so the other person can maybe figure it out without me having to say anything. I must erroneously believe that it is less toxic to drop hints so my self protection becomes the focus instead of saying something that a loved one might need to hear. Hmmm....very interesting.
     
  8. 10_3XL

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    Who said it was only females guilty of the toxic behavior? I most definitely was NOT saying that! I didn't pick up the impression the author of the piece was, either, when I read the article. Maybe I need to re-read it. If that was the underlying message then I'm gonna have to retract my endorsement of the article because the toxic behaviors listed are definitely perpetrated by both men and women (and any variant in between).

    And I also wasn't absolving myself of the sin inherent in these behaviors. I've definitely pulled more than a few things on that list in my past and I'm sure I'll fuck up and do so in the future, too. It's all about practicing awareness and doing what you can to avoid/rectify the mistakes when you make them.
     
  9. Splendid_Thoughts

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    To @sandwich 's point, I think she was meaning that the contributions to this thread so far (except your good self @10_3XL ) have pretty much all stated that they see these behaviours in females.

    I am probably guilty of some...in the past. My divorce and other massive events in my life have caused me to reevaluate my values and what I'm willing to accept and what I expect others to accept from me.

    I have also been on the receiving end of some of these behaviours too...so it is definitely not a one sided thing. We are ALL guilty of less than desirable behaviours at times and need to just check ourselves regularly to make sure we are being the best person we can be...regardless of our relationship status.
     
  10. Trond

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    I think there's some good advice there. Although it is a bit subjective and "just so". I also think the author buys too much into the "it's all culture" narrative, which turns out to not be exactly correct. Some differences between men and women turn out to be pretty universal, and so probably biological. Still, it's not bad advice in general, some couples just might have found that the reason they end up e.g. buying gifts is because they already came to an impasse trying to talk it over.
     
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  11. Sagittarius84

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    I think the "culture" narrative is accurate because of how these behaviors play out. Given most of the responses have been male, i think its easy to see these as gendered behaviors unique to female psychology, but given this is still a patriarchal world i don't think it's that simple. I'd hypothesize(and perhaps some ladies can confirm) that men who are wealthy, popular, or powerful exhibit many of the same tendencies.
     
  12. Trond

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    What tendencies?

    What I'm saying is "it's all culture" is also an oversimplification. It's an oversimplification I have seen a lot lately (depending a bit on which web forums you're on). It's completely ignoring that the evidence for statistically different behaviors between men and women, regardless of culture, is now well documented.
     
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  13. Sagittarius84

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    But those " statistically different behaviors" didn't manifest in an unbiased vacuum. Documentation of behavioral differences between men and women is tainted by our patriarchal society which is basically 99.99% of human history.
    For example, dropping hints seems like trademark female behavior, until contextually realizing that we've just now reached a point in West, where a woman speaking her mind or expressing her desires isnt met with punishment or violence. And we may attribute the buying of gifts to end arguments to men primarily, but keep in mind historically and culturally we were the only ones able to do so.

    Until we discover a lost, gender unbiased human or alien society to study, i don't think any data or documentation on statistically different behaviors is worth the media it's read from.
     
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  14. Trond

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    But this is the same as simply defaulting to it all being culture (unless unobtainable data indicates otherwise) and the evidence for that is actually absent in many cases. There's evidence that male and female babies behave differently from day one for instance.
    Gender neutral societies won't be found, because men and women, even if options are wide open, will choose differently, statistically speaking.

    Let me give you an example that is fairly obvious: we know that hormones can influence mood and behavior (e.g. libido, aggression). This is so well documented that it's commonly used in therapy. We also know that men and women have very different levels of various hormones, some of which are linked to said behaviors. And why wouldn't this be the case? Natural selection doesn't care what we think about free will or equality.
     
  15. Cappy_Dick

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    A lot of this is about manipulation. I've chosen not to subscribe to it any more.

    xx
     
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  16. CLE32793

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    I agree with @Splendid_Thoughts , it was the commenters not the OP that lead me to think it was gender based.

    I will say a lot of females I know are master manipulators and I couldn't imagine being on the receiving end of one of those phone calls I've heard. I'm fortunate enough to have a patient husband that 'broke' me of a lot of shit I did when I was younger. I used to pick a fight just so I could yell, I grew up around this so it was natural to me. However, I will add that I have changed and I make an effort not to do those things. I also have had toxic girlfriend relationships (not sexual pervs, lol). I took a lot of abuse from this chic for 20+ years, pretty much everything listed in the article. It really sucks the life right out of you.

    As far as boyfriends, I remember one specificly because it was so bad. I went through 1 - 5 with one boyfriend at about 17. Worst relationship ever. He was probably the worst manipulator I can recall (outside of family).

    I currently believe I am only guilty of # 4 since I tend to be a bit emotional and it can be easier to blame someone else only to regret it later. I don't think my husband is guilty of any of these things as he is a realist and sees things at face value. We have a very open and honest relationship and we are both happier for it.
     
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  17. ViolatorGirl

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    While I can't speak for anyone else as anything but an outsider, I can say that I'm thankfully only guilty of hint-dropping-and-hoping-he-gets-it. My husband is almost painfully blunt and to-the-point in everything (which can be jarring for me, but I'm quite thankful for it), but I was raised to never speak in "I wants" and "may I haves", because expressing my own needs and desires made me selfish and ungrateful, according to my grandmother.

    However, this is my own conditioning that I still struggle to get over at times. I'm almost always acutely aware of when I'm doing it too, so at least I can catch myself in the act and snap out of it.

    I do see it in the relationships of many of my friends, and while many of those habits are predominantly female tendencies, I have seen my share of men doing the same things. Especially #5. Guys are really good at that whole lovingly possessive/jealous thing. It never ends well when it gets to that point.
     
  18. Sagittarius84

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    1st babies react to stimuli prior to actual birth, so there's no guarantee that the behaviour exhibited after birth wasn't a result of gendered stimuli prior to birth.
    2nd gender neutral in this case refers to a society that doesn't hold one gender over the other.
    3rd libido and aggression are potentialities that don't necessarily translate into behavior.
    personally I 100% get the gist of what you're trying to put forth but it still doesn't eliminate the fact that much of human behavior and much of gender behavior is dictated by the culture that raises us and not necessarily the chemicals that are flowing through our veins
     
  19. Trond

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    On your first point: I don't think you can tell a fetus to look more or less at faces or toys depending on their sex, so I would be very wary of this point. You could influence the baby to become an addict (if the mother is a substance abuser) but that's very different. Many parents don't even know what sex the child is. I think the researchers correctly identified the main factor here as biological sex.

    2nd yes I know. There was a study comparing Norway (high degree of gender equality) to Pakistan (less equal). The findings showed that Norwegians sometimes choose certain gender specific educations etc more than Pakistanis. The reason seems to be that Pakistanis tend to tell their children what to do whereas Norwegians choose more freely, and men and women simply tend to prefer different things.

    3rd, yes that's what I'm saying. That's why we do statistics on this sort of thing rather than expect each individual to behave in a preprogrammed way. But downplaying the importance of biology seems to be a trend, and I don't think it's a good one.
     
  20. lbushwalker

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    A great intellectual debate guys; thank you for such a refreshing change to the dribble that we often see!