To tell or not to tell

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Astyn, Feb 22, 2011.

  1. Astyn

    Astyn New Member

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    My friend got deployed to Iraq a little bit ago and before she left her boyfriend and her agreed to stay together while she was away. Since she's been gone he's been sleeping around with every girl who will do it with him. At first I thought it wasn't true since he was the one who pushed to stay together but then again there is no such thing as a secret on a military base, everything gets out eventually. A few of the girls I work with have been talking about how he is in bed since she left and his roommate confirmed that he had multiple other girls in their room and there were used condoms after so I'm pretty sure he is cheating. I talked to her yesterday and a few stressful things have been going on on her end. So the question is do I tell her her boyfriend is cheating, cause her more stress, and more things to worry about? Or do I not tell her, save her the stress and the worry till she gets back and make her hate me for not telling her? Any input is appreciated
     
  2. nurseharley

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    if i were her, i'd want to know. it may stress her out more but it's going to stress out no matter when she finds out. might as well go ahead and let her know so she can end the relationship and he can continue to have sex with whoever, but it won't be while they're together and behind her back.
     
  3. Jonger84

    Jonger84 New Member

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    Agree with you girl, The girl shall decide for herself .. not anybody else ..
     
  4. HardRocker

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    If this is one of the Alaskan military friends that all joined SF roughly the same time, the word is out now.
    If I thought she was in combat in Afghanistan, I may have second thoughts about laying that truth on her. But in Iraq, where things are settling down, hopefully it won't be a life threatening distraction.
     
  5. Barbwire

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    Troops that are deployed have enough stress without having to worry about shit like this. It doesn't matter where they are, they need to keep their head in the game and not be distracted.

    Besides, it's really none of your business.
     
  6. backcheck64

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    Who's friend are you, hers or his? She's going to come home and he's going to give her untold numbers of diseases. She chose the military life, she didn't choose to get shit on. I'd tell her.
     
  7. Alwayslearningsex

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    Being Iraq, I would like to know what her job is, how exposed to personal dangers she is. If she is right out there and needs a clear head but she is the type to be seriously affected it may be preferable to wait for a better time. Hope this makes sense.
    Other than that maybe she should know.
     
  8. Texas_Red

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    I can understand the logic behind this, and definitely think it needs consideration.

    But...

    This is completely unacceptable (IMO). It is always the business of a real friend to tell you when your SO is cheating on you. As was mentioned, said cheating SO could contract one or more diseases while sleeping around. Then you've got trust issues. I certainly wouldn't trust any of my "friends" worth a fuck anymore if they decided to not tell me. I mean seriously, wtf kind of friend would you be really? Obviously not one who actually gives a fuck about me, that's for sure.

    Yeah, being someones friend definitely means that it's your business. It's part of being a friend. I vote telling her that her man is a worthless piece of shit, but I would definitely keep in mind the added stress. Maybe see if you can have a friend or friends run interference to distract him on the day she comes back, intercept her, and tell her before she goes home to the guy she thought actually loved her.
     
  9. Trond

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    I don't know about this. Sometimes people know more about what's going on in their love life than they let their friends know. Many women would want you to tell them, but then some don't want to know, as long as their husband/boyfriend treats them good (I am not making this up, one of the ladies said this on "The View"). This guy seems to be going a bit overboard though. Perhaps he's a sex addict? I'm not pointing fingers here, sometimes I wonder about myself too. :eyes
     
  10. Barbwire

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    If you do decide to tell your friend be forewarned, messengers get shot more often than not.

    You'd be better off talking to the boyfriend directly, letting him know his goose is cooked, and then let HIM tell his girlfriend.

     
  11. Astyn

    Astyn New Member

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    I told him today that he needs to tell her but he refuses and I can't really make him
    Also: I don't know why I wrote Iraq it is supposed to be Afghanistan
     
  12. dukefan

    dukefan New Member

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    Ok silly question, is he handling her expenses while she is gone? And do you have any contact info for some of her family? If he has his hands on her money while she is gone, def nip that in the bud. And maybe a family member could have the best advice on how or when to tell her
     
  13. Astyn

    Astyn New Member

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    They aren't married so he isn't connected to her paycheck at all
     
  14. lbushwalker

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    I'm with ALS on this; don't tell just now as she needs a clear head to keep alive.
    Astyn, somehow get the word out to her when you know definitively know that she is safe.
    By all accounts the dude isn't very serious about her so he is most likely a lost cause but she is worth keeping as a friend.
    Beware of what can happen to the messenger as CL mentioned.