Threesome Question

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by CutiePie25, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    Hi all! This is my first post on the forums, so please be patient with me. :) My SO and I have been together for seven months. I am more comfortable with him than I have ever been with anyone else. Neither of us are prudes by any means, and we have a very exciting sex life. However, neither of us has ever experienced a threesome. I'm not all that interested in it, but I'm willing to try just about anything when it comes to sex. Especially if it makes him happy. :)

    So anyway, he has expressed an interest in having a threesome with another woman. He doesn't talk about it all the time, but every once in a while he mentions it. He has said that if we ever do he wants it to be with someone neither of us knows so as not to create problems down the line if it doesn't turn out like he or I thought it would.

    So I was thinking about surprising him and have someone waiting at my apartment one night when we get home from dinner or the movies. Any ideas as to how I could go about finding a woman who would be willing to fulfill his fantasy? Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Threesomes work far better in fantasy than they do in reality (for most people), so spend a little time thinking about whether or not you're sincerely capable of watching your SO do naughty things to another woman. Jealousy is a very natural, normal human emotion (except in excess), and this is something you have to possess a special mindset to do. It's not a mainstream activity and not wanting to participate in one does not, in any way/shape/form, make you a "prude"; it makes you human.

    Once you've decided that, yes, you are the kind of person who can participate in a threesome without feeling emotionally threatened to any degree, you're certain that you don't have any reservations about it at all, and you've decided that you sincerely want to do this (and not just because he wants to), then you need to discuss boundaries with your bf. You want to be certain that both of you are in agreement about which activities are acceptable and which are off-limits. Not discussing the specifics beforehand is a very bad idea.

    Others will have suggestions on how to find a third partner.
     
  3. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    Bluesy,

    Thanks for the advice. I can honestly say that I would be the last person in the world to get jealous. My SO has plenty of female friends and it doesn't bother me at all that he still chats with his ex-wife. I'm very comfortable with the fact that he is going to be sleeping in my bed and not one of theirs.

    As for the boundaries... we have discussed this theoretically speaking. As far as he knows, I'm still undecided as to whether I want to try it or not. But we do talk about it occasionally, and he has even said that he never would have thought it possible with any of his ex's simply b/c they would have been too jealous, but with me its a possibility.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    Hmm...and it doesn't seem at all, not even a little, like he's playing on your pride (in your lack of unnatural jealousy) in order to coax you into doing this? My gut reaction is that there's some manipulation going on here. Not wanting to participate in a threesome doesn't make you a prude, but it seems to me as if he's made it out to be a point of pride..."My exes were too jealous to do this, but you are not like them...you're special...you're not an uptight possessive prude." Maybe he hasn't used those exact words, but he may have fed you the same message. And he's brought this up repeatedly, which says to me that he's more concerned about gratifying his sexual desires than about your comfort level, and a partner who cares about and respects you isn't going to want you to do something you aren't 100% comfortable with.

    I think it's important to realize that there is healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy. Think of jealousy as a spectrum...there's a threshold beyond which it becomes dysfunctional. I have to say that you sound like a secure, confident woman, you're not unreasonably jealous, but it would actually be very natural and healthy for you to not want to share your bf, sexually. Some people are innately monogamous, some are pseudo-monogamous, and others are not intrinsically monogamous at all and can share partners like chewing gum--it's just not a big deal to them. To each his or her own, but you have to decide what kind of person you are and you owe it to yourself to respect your limits. Just don't let anyone persuade you to step outside of those boundaries that keep you feeling safe and secure.

    Of course you know him best, I'm just throwing out first impressions because what you've said raises major red flags for me.
     
  5. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    I think I said something wrong :uhh: ... his top priority is my comfort level and happiness. :) I say he's brought it up repeatedly, over the last seven months he has said something about it maybe three or four times. Everything else he or I bring up we try, so it seems like he's mentioned that more simply b/c its the one thing we haven't ever done. Anything I don't like, or doesn't feel good to me we don't do again.

    For instance, I'm not real big on anything anal. Its not that I don't want to do it, its just that its not as pleasurable to me as it is to him. So he doesn't ever ask for it, but on occasion I will initiate that b/c I know how much he enjoys it.

    Thanks for the input though :)
     
  6. Bluesy

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    Very good. All systems are "go", then :tup

    *whispers* I just have to mention this because there are so many misconceptions about anal sex out there: painful anal sex can actually be very harmful, so I'm hoping that when you say "not as pleasurable", you only mean that you aren't getting anything fun out of it.

    Keep us updated on the threesome situation, 'kay? I hope that works out well for you.
     
  7. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    I don't do painful. :) A lil off topic: From what I understand some girls can get off with anal. I can't, it just doesn't do anything for me.

    I'll keep ya'll updated... :)
     
  8. Bluesy

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    Aha! I knew you were a secure and confident woman :tup Please don't feel compelled to answer this, but I was just wondering if you've ever used a vibrator on your clit during anal. It's something to try if you haven't yet, at any rate.
     
  9. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    Unfortunately my clit is far too sensitive to use anything on it. :(
     
  10. Bluesy

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    I hear ya. I have a hypersensitive clitoris, too, so what I typically do is use a phallic multi-speed vibrator (Fun Factory makes some awesome ones, I don't mind saying) because the motor is usually closer to the hand-held portion of the shaft, and that way, if you use the lower settings you get a very gentle vibration. Might be something to try, anyway. The LayaSpot is a clitoral vibrator that has a good multi-speed function, too. I hope you're able to eventually find something that works for you...I know it ain't easy when your clit is unnaturally sensitive :ugh
     
  11. CutiePie25

    CutiePie25 New Member

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    Thanks for the info. I'll have to check into that. :)
     
  12. Bluesy

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    I forgot to mention, if you do decide to try using a traditional vibrator, you'll probably want one that has a g-spot nub on the end (or is otherwise curved or shaped to activate the g-spot), because then you can hold it like a "wand" while stimulating the clitoris (and all over the vulva, too!).

    Good luck!
     
  13. bsxy420

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    If anyone that you know is into having a sex toy party, i suggest you attend. when you are there they normally have vibrators with batteries in them. this will sound odd. but, place it under your nose when its on. if u cant stand it there then its prolly to strong for you...ive hosted a couple of these parties and have been to the porn shop enough that, thats what i have been told to do. thats my 2 cents worth on that.

    as for the finding a partner for a 3some i would say find someone that you are attracted to. more than likely he will be as well. there are plenty of sites that have women in your area that are up for that kind of thing.hope anything i have said is helpful.
     
  14. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    The question you will have to ask yourself is how important is this relationship to you? If it is important then the last thing you want to do is surprise him with a threesome. Suprising someone with a threesome most likely will lead to a mixture of confused feelings, feelings of resentment / abandonment, and bring up any issues that exist in the relationship to the surface. It is probably the best way to destroy a relationship.

    The reality of having a threesome versus the fantasy is very different. It elicits many feelings and it is a situation that can go bad very quickly especially if it is not discussed. My suggestion to you instead of surprising him is to talk about having a threesome including issues like what if ... happened, boundaries, activities that will remain between the two of you, and safe sex practicies which include planning for your safety. You will most likely find that by talking about a threesome it brings you closer together because you are communicating with each other.

    With that said given that you are both new to the threesome experience I would avoid private parties until you decide this is something you want to do and have had a chance to get some experience. Furthermore I would avoid asking neighbors in your apartment as having a threesome is not socially acceptable and is something that is not acknowledge in the public domain. Simply put you may find you have angered a lot of neighbors and you may find that you do not get a long with them. Instead I would look to online websties or go to NASCA's website to see if there is an on premise club near you.

    Anyhow once you have had a chance to talk with your boyfriend you will find things become clearer about how to proceed. I wish you luck and hope that you are successful in your search.
     
  15. slamd097

    slamd097 New Member

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    Ahhh yes three ways. Bluesy hit it first. Definitely the one thing everyone wants to try, but it ends up putting strain on a relationship. I lost someone because of a threesome. I was accused of enjoying the other woman too much.
     
  16. faith

    faith New Member

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    I would try a threesome out of a relationship..Not in one..I just couldn't do that
     
  17. TXGUY

    TXGUY Member

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    Hey cutie where are you from. My wife and i have talked about a threesome and think it would be fun! Would be willing to talk about it with you!