Threesome Etiquette (?)

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Curiosity, May 4, 2011.

  1. Curiosity

    Curiosity New Member

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    So I had this gf, J, who had said she was comfortable with having a 3some if the situation arose. Previous gfs had said similar things and I knew not to get my hopes up, but one night the situation arose. We brought a pretty cute co-worker home with us for a friendly dinner, we started to get pretty drunk, and the girls were talking about their bi-sexuality and experiences. I asked J in another room if this couldn't be the situation, and she said alright if it was okay with the coworker (W). We made our proposal, W approved and we moved to the bedroom.
    For a while I just let the two of them go at it, then I moved in and started making out with J while W was going down on her. This got boring, so I moved behind W and went for some penetration. Everything was going fine for a few minutes, then J rolled off the bed, grabbed her clothes, yelled that she was no longer cool with this, and stormed out. I was left inside W feeling very awkward. She said she'd go see 'what was wrong' and left after J. I found them talking in the kitchen, where J explained to me that she had gotten jealous and changed her mind. She asked me to make the dinner, so I started frying up some steaks. After a bit I noticed I was alone, so I went off and found the girls in the living room going at it with dildos (and eventually scissoring), hardcore enjoying themselves, with no room on the couch for me whatsoever. They made no attempt to invite me in, and I had food cooking, so I ended up making them their dinner while they had their fun without me.
    Now the new girl I'm playing around with has said a 3some is a possibility, but she's pretty into me and gets jealous although we aren't in a relationship by her choice. I am worried that another perfect situation will arise, and just lead to more awkwardness. Did I break some taboo when I penetrated W before J, or should I have avoided penetrating the other girl at all? Is there a protocol here to make the girls in a 3some as comfortable as possible so I don't run into this problem again?
     
  2. luckyflyer

    luckyflyer New Member

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    Sounds like a little more communication with your steady partner about expectations and ground rules might be in order, make sure she understands your desires and you understand hers.
     
  3. backcheck64

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    My question is, why waste time with a person that neither of you can sexually fulfill? If you both need another person brought in, there isn't much there to begin with so I would be finding a person that can take care of all of my needs.
     
  4. Texas_Red

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    Really hard to say. All I know is that I would've been incredibly pissed off at J's hypocrisy.
     
  5. acemike

    acemike Member

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    Sounds like you got dumped for another woman....
     
  6. Texas_Red

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    No, I don't think that's it.

    On further though I *do* think luckyflyer is probably right. Despite all the making out, the fact that you penetrated W first probably rankled, and is a result of not really thinking things out and talking about it.

    I still stand by my hypocrisy statement though. She can't get pissed off at you claiming jealousy, and then go fuck her coworker while you're cooking.

    I'd lay off any threesome stuff until it's fully discussed.
     
  7. Untamed

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    I agree BC. You know, sadly it makes me feel inadequate to even have the conversation arise in regards to bringing another female into the picture. I don't know how it would make me feel after the sexual act and with my personality I would most probably be very jealous. It could cause serious problems in the relationship which is something I wouldn't want to jeopardise.

    Also even the thought of another male grinds my gears if that conversation would arise. It's like I have my man.. you're ALL I NEED.. I've had my slutty stage already .. I don't want anymore notches on my belt you know. The cock stops with you LOL..

    While I may fantasize about a situation where another person is involved. It's a fantasy and that's what makes it pleasurable to think about.

    Personally when I have a man he is ALL I NEED to get by. Otherwise hey why would I be with him right?

    ON A SIDE NOTE: I have been working a little on my self confidence which is slowly progressing.
     
  8. backcheck64

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    Progress is always good, no matter how slow, Keep hanging in there.
     
  9. Flame

    Flame New Member

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    In my mind
    I don't think you broke a taboo, but J obviously had a different image in her mind of the way the 3some would go.

    Someone told me once that if you are in a 3some, always be the 3rd person. That makes sense to me. There are so many emotions involved and so much at risk that it can take all the fun out. I'd advise having as much fun as possible doing every sexual thing you want to and can do *before* falling in love. I had a very good time with a 3some but although the guy was my boyfriend, we really weren't serious and I wouldn't have cared if he had gone off the with other girl!

    If you want to do a 3some with a girl you are involved with and want to keep, I'd say that you both need to talk very seriously about it first. Let her lay down the rules. Also, have a safe word that she can say at any time to let you know she wants you to stop. Make sure you pay your gf more attention than you do the other girl and keep your gf involved at all times. If you are having sex with the other girl, you should definitely be touching and maintaining eye contact with your gf. Jealousy comes from insecurity; if your gf feels that the other girl is a threat she is likely to freak out.

    You could also agree on first time limits. Perhaps the first 3some you would only touch the girl above the waist, or anything except penetration, etc. Whatever makes your gf comfortable. I knew one couple who had the rule that he would ask before doing every new thing. They'd be making out with a girl together and before touching a part of her for the first time he'd just say, "Is that okay with you?" or something similar. She'd always say yes but it meant that she felt in control and it also showed the other girl that the man was very much "taken".

    Hope this helps. Have fun ;)
     
  10. Curiosity

    Curiosity New Member

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    Thanks, actually, I think I've gotten most of the help I could use.
     
  11. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    I find this statement quite judgmental. Sometimes it's just about having fun and fulfilling personal needs. It's also rather naive to think just one person can satisfy all those needs whether sexual or emotional etc. Threesomes, multiple partners, polyamory - these are all very grey areas in today's society and there still is a lot of taboo hanging around them. However, they are no less valid than monogamous hetero or homosexual relationships. Unfortunately they are looked upon as deviating from the sexual 'norm', when really 'normality' is something that is very subjective from person to person, and culture to culture.

    The western world is changing and the old institutions are breaking down. People are becoming more free with their sexuality and I think this is a positive change. Hopefully it will lead to greater happiness and less possessiveness among men and women of their partners. Of course, people will still make mistakes and things can go wrong, but I think it's better to experiment and try new things. If your SO decides he/she wants to experience love with someone else, it's rather petty to put your needs above theirs. However, we're so brainwashed into thinking that this is abnormal and wrong that we lie and cheat rather than open up to each other and calmly explain in an adult way what we want and expect from a relationship.

    @Curiosity: I'm experiencing similar things to you. My girlfriend is experimenting with other women, which I'm totally happy with. However, I also find it can be a bit awkward with boundaries, feelings and emotions. It's also one of those things you can't really discuss beforehand as threesomes tend to be quite spontaneous by nature, so they require a lot of situational improvisation. I would suggest talking to your girlfriend about this in a non-judgmental and conversational way to see where things went wrong.