Threesome etiquette

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by daver, Dec 13, 2010.

  1. daver

    daver New Member

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    Perhaps I should rename this post "threesome etiquette theory", as I've never actually experienced a threesome, but have had it on my mind ever since a certain FWB and her girlfriend got me really drunk one night and then let me know what was on their minds.

    (Unfortunately, by the time their intentions were made clear, I was too drunk to want to do anything but spend the night with my head in a toilet. Alas, the fact that I never got another shot at it is a burden I must bear to my dying day. My only hope is that others - sniff sniff - may learn from my tragic mistake.)

    That said, from what I've both read and heard, it seems that threesomes often don't work out as well in practice as in theory. I've heard from a couple of lady friends about times that they've been involved in threesomes, and their actual experiences weren't quite as wonderful as they might have imagined they would be. I never really got into the details of what went wrong (in both cases we were among friends, and prying into the intricacies of the failed experiment didn't seem like the proper thing to do, at the time), but I can guess.

    For one thing, I imagine a situation in which a third consenting adult is brought into an existing relationship between two consenting adults. (Oh hell, who am I kidding?... a woman joins a heterosexual couple. And both women have bisexual "leanings", to say the least. Sorry, but that's what works for me!)

    Anyway, this is where I'm asking for some input from people experienced in this sort of thing.

    I would guess that egos can play a big factor in this kind of situation, and that they can be easily bruised. Example: John and Jane have a great relationship, and then Sally is brought in. John, given the time-honored tradition of males gravitating to the new and different in sexual experiences, goes nuts over Sally, focusing all of his attention on her. Jane can't help but notice that John is more into Sally than her, and consequently feels a certain degree of remorse or anger... and quite understandably so.

    So, again, getting back to pure theory, my approach (if and when it ever comes) would be this: Make an agreement that one member of the threesome will serve as the focal point of the other two. Use some random method - coin flip... rock, paper scissors... whatever - to choose that person. The agreement could be that the lucky "person-of-focus" will remain in that exalted position for the entire evening, or perhaps arrange for each person to "share the limelight" for a certain amount of time.

    So, my question, for those with more experience and wisdom that me, is, what kinds of problems come up in a threesome (especially a first-time threesome)? And would my approach (picking a person to focus on) help avoid those problems?
     
  2. awakened

    awakened New Member

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    I think that is a bad idea to pick. The only solution I have heard of being discussed and what my husband and i did was just make a conscious effort to distribute attention equally. In my case, things did not happen so fast and furiously that it was hard to keep in mind, even if it did slip my mind for a bit, he would be right there reminding me , hey I want attention !!!!!!!
     
  3. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I'll let ya know
    Your scenario problem is kind of cliche too.I know a lot of people where it's actually THE GUY who gets jealous of the two girls.This is not often talked about,as what guy is going to admit to being jealous of a woman,but it does happen...

    I think choosing a person to focus attention on takes away from the spontaneity of it all.And I'd have to agree with awakened that there should be no problem reminding your SO you want attention or likewise.
     
  4. Texas_Red

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    Coming from the brain, I think the best approach is simply to be focused on pleasing the other partners. If everyone's focus is on making sure everyone else is pleased, all should be fine. It's when someones focus becomes pleasing a specific person or one or more of the people in the group start focusing on being pleasured that problems will arise.

    I could be completely off, but that seems like a logical way to approach 3-way and group sex.
     
  5. daver

    daver New Member

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    I understand the whole idea of everyone agreeing to try and please everyone else equally. Maybe my "solution" is for my own peace of mind. If I were in bed with my SO and a new lady, I think I might be a bit worried about doing anything with the new person that might make my SO fell I'm getting into her too much.

    Even if I were wrong about that, my obsession with not hurting my SO's feelings might detract from the whole experience, and limit what I do. Agreeing on a person-of-focus is one way to avoid that. (Of course, just having a good relationship in the first place, and discussing everything beforehand, is another way.)