Thoughts on polyamorous relationships

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Marcpatrick, Sep 22, 2011.

  1. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    Haven't posted for a while. I've moved house, changed jobs and my social life keeps me busy when I'm not working.

    About a year ago, I told my girlfriend that, although I loved her dearly, I felt that having just one lover was not enough for me, and that I would like to pursue alternative relationships with other women.

    She seemed open to the idea, but did have her reservations. She says she's bi-curious and would entertain the idea of me having other lovers if she was included. However, she also recognised (as do I) that within such a relationship problems could arise.

    Up until recently I haven't acted out with other women. Lately however, within the space of two weeks I've been seeing two other women. Nothing has much happened beyond a few kisses - but I really like them both. I've been honest with them and told them I have a girlfriend, and they've both said they appreciate my honesty. I haven't laid with either of them in the biblical sense, and I am in no rush to either, as I would prefer to get to know them better. I also want to talk to my girlfriend about this too before I embark on any sexual adventures.

    I want to be completely honest with my girlfriend about my feelings with regards to these two women. She knows about one of them, and doesn't seem to mind me having contact with her - in fact we're even contemplating having dinner or going out for drinks pretty soon together with the three of us, although I'm pretty nervous about it, because I'm not sure how the dynamic between us will be.

    However, I'm worried that my girlfriend thinks I just want to act out sexually - in fact that's not what I want to do (well at least not only that). I really love the idea of having two or more emotional partners. And I want to be honest about my feelings too especially to my long-term partner.

    Has anyone here had much experience with polyamory? I'm pretty worried that my girlfriend would feel hurt that I am considering emotional attachment to other women, even though she knows how I am. I want her to know that she is extremely special to me, while at the same time feeling safe and validated in being in other relationships.

    Would really love feedback and thoughts from people who may or may not have had similar experiences.
     
  2. Mittimer

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    I've had mild experience with it and taken many classes and been to speaking panels on the subject.

    In order for poly relationships to work you MUST always be open and honest with every partner that you have. Explaining to them that this is the type of relationship you're in.

    Your girlfriend, your 1st, also has the right to know about *every* girl that you're with, not just one of them.

    My Husband and I date people together and separately. I have an emotional bond with more then just one person. We are completely honest and open about everything we do with everyone. There's no secrets, no lies, no beating around the bush. If I want to go out and fuck someone, I tell him, same with him to me. We owe each other that.

    Always remember that your girlfriend is your first though. She is the person you love and should always come home to at night.

    Don't worry about the dynamic between your girl and the newbie, it's going to be awkward, but hey, you've got to get past it sometime.

    Just relax and set rules before you go any further in any relationships.
     
  3. Meee

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    I don't have any experience with polyamory, but yes, actually, I would feel hurt about this. My first reaction would be, "Well, what can we do to make our relationship enough?" And this was a year ago. What have you done in that year to build your relationship more?

    I'm also concerned about when you say "how I am." What does that mean? Are you saying that there's something about you that is making you do this? I think this needs more explanation. It might need more explanation to yourself too.
     
  4. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Thanks for your response, Mittimer.
    I haven't told my girlfriend about the 2nd girl yet, because that's a very recent event, and I'm not sure where it's leading to. I'll tell my gf tomorrow when I see her as we don't live together (rather than over the phone).

    However, the situation with the 2nd girl is a bit unusual. She's actually lesbian, so I was really taken aback when she started kissing me in my local bar last Tuesday. However, she was really drunk, so I didn't take it too seriously at first. In the end we ended up coming back to my place where she really came on to me. We kissed and stuff, but when she wanted me to actually take her, I didn't do it in the end. I have a strong aversion to sleeping with drunken girls, because I see that as taking advantage, and I think it's creepy when guys do things like that. She's also only 21 so I have to take her age into account too.

    I'm worried that my SO may feel diminished by my feelings towards other women. I remember when I 'let' her see another man for the first time where she stayed a week at his place. Despite appearing cool about it, I was actually surprised by my level of jealousy, especially at night when I was alone with my thoughts. I was ok about everything, but it did briefly cause a rift between us (more from her side than mine).

    I do indeed intend to keep everything honest and open with my SO. I hate cheating, not because I'm so good and moralistic, but I've been down that path before with a previous girlfriend and I know how damaging the effects are.

    Anyway, sorry if I'm rambling on. Everything is a bit new for me. I think I'm suffering from NRE too, which is a lovely feeling, but I'm also careful not to let it carry me away. Since I've made a conscious choice to be polyamorous (first by accidentally reading about it on internet, and having a 'hey, that's me!' moment, and then slowly getting to grips with the idea), I feel that my entire life has blossomed. However, I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings, so I guess it's easier to discuss these things to anonymous people on an internet forum.

    I've really discovered that polyamory doesn't make life easier, but it does it make it a lot more interesting. :)
     
  5. Everett_Spair

    Everett_Spair Member

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    I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to contribute but I was wondering what "NRE" stands for?
     
  6. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Hi Mee,

    No, my girlfriend and I had actually discussed this fairly early on in the relationship. It started off as sexual fantasies in the bedroom, but about a year ago, I started seriously considering it.

    I suppose it all started with my previous girlfriend with whom I'd been together for 8 years. She was everything a guy could wish for - lusciously beautiful, fun etc. but we came from very different backgrounds and had very different world views. For the first two years I was faithful, but I felt that my life had become less brighter. I was seeing less and less of my friends and seeing more and more of her family and friends. I tried to express my feelings but I don't think I was eloquent enough back then. She often had temper tantrums or would cry when I tried to open up to her.
    Eventually I started cheating usually when I was out in bars and drunk (alcohol numbs conscience). I felt dreadful towards her and ended up in a horrible circle of guilt, remorse, lying, finding excuses to blame her, then escaping etc. She didn't deserve my crappy behaviour and eventually our relationship came to a sudden end (my stuff was thrown out the window on to the street). I didn't blame her at all, and it was with a mixture of relief and sadness that I moved in with another girl (my current girlfriend).

    My ex and I are now better friends than we were partners.

    With my current girlfriend, I went completely the opposite direction. I devoted myself to her, but soon she started taking it for granted and began to treat me badly. I also realised I was acting a role and trying to compensate for my bad behaviour in my previous relationship.

    After a long hard look at myself, I realised I had been playing the victim role in my relationships and decided to take charge and own my behaviour. I can't be in a monogamous relationship - the very idea of being with one woman for the rest of my life scares me. I'm just way too flirtatious and curious about women, and rather than bottle that up and let all that energy and vitality go to waste, I decided to be honest about it. In that regard I feel that I'm letting women know what they are getting into when they date me, and letting them choose whether to get involved or not.

    I find this actually works for me. I think that perhaps I am selfish, and that I should be grateful to have just one lover, but I know that there's something in me that keeps me restless, whether it's the desire for new sexual encounters or emotional connections.

    I even started going to lesbian bars just to be able to speak to women without sex playing a role. However, that didn't go exactly to plan, as now I have several lesbian women who are interested in me. I don't know why...I've tried to curb my flirtatious behaviour, but it just doesn't stop...but then why should it?...I've noticed that that flirtatious adventurous energy I have even helps me at work and within a year I've been offered a permanent position and bonuses.

    Anyway I'll shut up now...I'm starting to go James Joyce in this post. I actually found your questions cathartic, Mee, and it's given me a slightly different perspective (a more positive one). Thanks for your contribution.
     
  7. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Hi Everett,

    It stands for New Relationship Energy...that nice gooey feeling you get when at the beginning of a romantic affair. :D
     
  8. Maverick

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    1 million cheers for you!
     
  9. cbrmale

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    I have an open marriage myself, which evolved over time. We do know what each other is doing and when, but we keep the other liasons seperate from our core relationship. So it's quite different to what you are proposing. My wife grew up in a polygamous household which had a lot of jealousy and destructive forces, so she wouldn't go anywhere near that type of thing.

    I wish you luck, but I cannot offer much advice as my other relationships are just friendship and sex. We meet, we talk, we get on well together we fuck, we go out for coffee, we go home and the rest of our lives continue.
     
  10. igor

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    Interesting - these complex relationships. Sheesh - I'd just be happy to be able to fuck my wife.