this is really bothering me

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by opnm1nd, Apr 30, 2014.

  1. opnm1nd

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    I don't even know how to begin.
    Ok, my bf is a couple years younger than me. I'm 40, 5'6", roughly 145-150 lbs. Not in bad shape, i could of course stand to tone up a bit but I don't have any trouble catching the eyes of men. I'm very curvy. Large breasts and full hips, long waist.
    Here's the problem. My bf only watches porn containing pencil thin, flat-chested young women. I mean he literally searches for the terms "skinny, teen, small breasts". First let me clarify that it's not the fact that he's watching porn that bothers me, I'm completely cool with that. Its the women he searches for. It's really got me feeling like shit about myself. He can't understand why i feel the way i do and claims that he likes all shapes and sizes of women. But he never....... EVER...... downloads, searches or watches anything containing women built anything remotely like I am. he tells me regularly how sexy he thinks i am, but I can't help but feel that if he really found me sexy he might occasionally download or watch a porn with an actress built something like I am. Like a woman!
    thoughts? Opinions? Am i being too sensitive about this or do i make a valid point?
     
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  2. CaramelLady

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    I would feel bad also. Look at me .. I ain't skinny! If the women he searches for did not remotely resemble me I too would have the same questions--and insecurities.

    However you sound like, in old school vernacular, a knock out!!! A woman with your curves and figure!! Wow!!

    I do not have any answers for you, but reassurances I give freely.

    Your point is valid and you are not being too sensitive. Have you asked him about it? What does the numbskull say? Sorry about the name calling. But really with you at home, what is he thinking?
     
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  3. lbushwalker

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    Well look at the cloud silver lining; he is not searching for a replacement or alternative of you but probably fascinated by what they lack and that you have!
    More like morbid gawking at a train wreck rather than noticing the familiar intact passing train :)
     
  4. 10_3XL

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    This caught my attention because I seem to be in the exact opposite situation. The Lady is the trim/thin/athletic type, but my "type" is and always was "average" to "large" women (you know - Women!) :p

    This makes me wonder how my tastes affect her self view if at all. Does she feel poorly because of my (usual) tastes for a different body type?

    As to your situation: it could be as simple as him looking at what he does not have/something different. Not necessarily meaning he desires them over you, just a change of pace for his fantasies. I know that's shit for putting your mind at ease, but I'm just trying to speak from his possible perspective.
     
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  5. opnm1nd

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    He thinks I'm over-reacting. And reassures me that he finds me sexy. I mean i don't normally lack confidence in my appearance but this is making me start to.
    If I would just occasionally see where he's viewed a woman that was built like me it would put my mind at ease. But when i say that's ALL he looks at I MEAN that is ALL he looks at.
    sigh.....
    to make it worse his ex was a large woman (I'm being very kind with that terminology) so him telling me that he must find me sexy because we have sex all the time, well that doesn't really mean much because hell he had sex with her no problem. Does that make sense?
     
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  6. JonJo

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    I have no idea why he should do this and cannot understand why he continues doing it; particularly if you've tried to discuss it and he knows it is making you feel so insecure about yourself. Both the initial action of watching and then the continuation is beyond me.
    If you are with somebody and care for their feelings then continuing to do something that hurts them is, IMHO, completely selfish.
    I do not go along with Ibushwalker's "fascinated by their lack", nor 10 3XL's "change of pace for his fantasies" - if it was either of these and he 'really needs his fantasies' (for some reason) then once he knew of your upset he should carry out his fantasies in private, not continue with them in your presence.
    As has been said on here many times - fantasies are just fantasies and yes they are; until they adversely affect somebody else, then to the affected person they are a reality and should be stopped.
    You've asked him why, you've told him how it affects you - why don't you now, as an hopefully equal partner in the relationship, ask him, even tell him to stop it because of the affect it is having on you?
    As a complete 'vanilla' and without judging anybody else I cannot understand why if "you've got all you want and need" you should need fantasies to 'brighten/lighten' you sex life; you are either completely 'with somebody' or you're not.
     
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  7. opnm1nd

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    Jonjo,
    i would never "tell him to stop". Even if he did it really wouldn't fix the problem I'm more than aware now that is what turns him on. You can't make somebody "not" be turned on by something I don't think.
    Other than this, our relationship is great. I think I'm really wanting to understand the reason behind it. Maybe I'm trying to determine if we really need to be together. I don't know.
    If things are great does it make sense to leave someone simply because of their inclination towards a body - type that i don't possess? Part of me thinks that's ridiculous but then part of me thinks that if it makes me feel bad, life is too short for feeling bad.
    Why the hell can't i just sleep? Lol
     
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  8. opnm1nd

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    CaramelLady
    you have a beautiful figure. You are built IMO the way a woman should look.
     
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  9. 10_3XL

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    Jonjo's post got me thinking further on this and I have to say I agree with his stance. Since it is no longer a private fantasy then a change needs to occur. I also say that if it is making you this unhappy then you should get out of the situation - as you pointed out Life is too short.

    I need to do some thinking and appraising of my own situation it seems...

    And though I haven't seen you ever, your description of yourself sounds like you're an absolute Bombshell! Don't you dare change to fit somebody else's idea of a woman. :)
     
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  10. GreyGoose

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    I know when I watch porn I like to look at something a little different. Does not mean that is the woman I like or the "type" I prefer just something different to see.
     
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  11. oldkid

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    BBW.gif
    You're allowed to be sensitive in my opinion, Humans are. Do you search for any porn? Your man isn't shopping, he's only lusting. I didn't start searching for porn until about six months ago. I have tried a lot of search terms. What terms would find what you'd like him to be looking for? There are going to be far fewer full figured pros on these websites than the young, small hipped, small breasted women, because the producers prefer them that way, and that's where they're going to put their money. Give us a little help here. Post a couple of url's on the forum "adult websites" where you see your body type. I'd like to see that anyway. I found a variety with the search "amateur full figured fucking". When you find some vids with your body style, make a text file of the url's and sit down with him and share them. This just came to my mind: those who share together fuck together. Some of the young women on SF might have better ideas on how to accept what he's watching, or retrain his eyes to more variety. Don't put too much stock in advice from me or any other man on SF. Most of us are pretty much untrainable anyway. I think, however, several of the women here have had some degree of success steering their men toward paths more to their liking. You can't go too wrong asking a woman.
     
    #11 oldkid, Apr 30, 2014
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  12. johnnyangel694u

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    I can understand why it upsets you but I don't think he is doing it to hurt you or wish you looked like that. I think ppl have a tendency to look at what they don't have. My wife doesn't give head or do anal and that is the type of porn that I watch. Twenty years ago when my wife and I use to watch porn together, she would instantly get soaking wet when a BBC would come on. She didn't want one but it sure turned her on. It turned me on feeling her getting wet so fast. She didn't even realize it. I know I have an average size cock and it didn't bother me. I may have to proof read this later. I just woke up and it may not make sense. LOL
     
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  13. HotForHoney

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    Start watching huge black guy porn (assuming you are white)..... Give him a taste of his own medicine
     
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  14. oldkid

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    #14 oldkid, Apr 30, 2014
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  15. AGFUNK

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    I'm curious is he watching it in front of you or are you intentionally seeing if he is watching it without you?
     
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  16. opnm1nd

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    Past boyfriends tended to search (as I do) for physical acts. Blow job, anal, DP, gang bang etc. Some of the videos had women built like me, Some had skinny flat-chested women. Some had black women, Some had Asian women. It was a hodgepodge.
    My current boyfriend focuses his searches on women with an opposite body type than mine. that's what bothers me. That he may not be as attracted to me as he would be other women.
    Every woman's worst nightmare. Lol
     
  17. opnm1nd

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    Bingo. He wouldn't dare watch it in front of me knowing how i feel about it. It's just that I'm alot more computer savvy than he and when I get online it's a breeze for me to find his search histories, etc
    so I know he's not doing it to hurt me.
    Still hurtful though. :(
     
  18. oldkid

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    It will serve no useful purpose to spy on him. It could make him take it elsewhere.:)Try H4H's solution and let us know how it works out. Download the vid suggested and run it 24/7. If he doesn't take the hint, dump the jerk. Get a new jerk. I'd volunteer but I'm all tied up.:(
     
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  19. AGFUNK

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    I honestly think you're overreacting. He's doing it so you won't see it but you are actively looking for it. In most healthy relationships what porn the other watches has no reflection on who they are with. Stop looking for it if it bothers you so much. Not trying to be harsh just trying to help.
     
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  20. AtkCCC

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    Just throwing this out there...when I do searches it is usually for something different to view. Just a little variety and doesn't mean I'm not loving my wife and her type but just maybe the "Theme" I'm into for now. Next month my viewing searches could be different. My wife's porn selection is usually on the wild side, she thinks straight is boring and uses porn to get off to something different. It's good with me because it doesn't interfere with our sex life, just stuff she likes to view.
     
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