Things I try to tell my wife

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by MILF_Rider, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    The subject of why we come here and talk might be an interesting one with various answers... Some probably come here to peep, some to hook up, some to show themselves off (some of whom perhaps get more attention for it than they wanted), some for self exploration. I guess I'd fall into the category of self exploration.. I find that I usually either ask questions where I'm looking for more info about a particular topic, or else I'm commenting on someone else's situation to which I relate.

    My wife reads what I post here and I don't mind, and I would hope she gets an occasional glimpse into who I feel and think. It's not like we don't talk, but the topic of sex is one which feels like it is surrounded by a minefield. When she's not in the mood, it starts out as a hostile discussion and either ends or gets worth. When she's in the mood, she doesn't want to talk, she wants to do.

    What frustrates me lately is that I've gradually been feeling like I come last in her life. Bringing up these feelings is a subject that requires a heated discussion that cools down over the course of an hour because she reacts defensively rather than listenning to my feelings. She's a hotheaded redhead, I've only known her but by reputation that's the way they are it seems.

    But take this weekend for example... As far as working on the house it's worked great, I've already completed my goals for the weekend and I didn't think it'd be a sure thing I'd get through them before getting back to my job Monday. Thursday was Thanksgiving of course, and we planned to have a sex session although our plans turned out less elaborate than expected... Friday she had to work so I watched the kids, today she had a practice exam for this class she's taking related to work, tommorrow we're seeing the Nutcracker ballet. It's a full weekend and almost every day I have watched the kids so she can have time to do something, and I've done grocery shopping... Today she'd said we could try out the new platform shoes.

    At the end of today, though, she acted tired and asked to wait until tomorrow. Then we proceded to watch our movie from Netflix, and she proceded to not fall asleep because she wasn't tired. So to me it comes across as she lied about being tired because she didn't want to do what she said we'd do.

    Not the first time, but this is what makes it hard for me to perform. I want her to want me. I want her to want me so bad that instead of putting it off until tomorrow every day, she'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. And it'd be nice if she could let me know that she wants it that bad.

    Anyway, I am not looking for advice in particular, I'm sure we'll get it worked out because we just go through these things and it gets better. I wouldn't mind hearing about similar experiences or things other folks get frustrated about communicating with their significant others.
     
  2. almostthere

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    Don't know how old your are but I feel it gets worse as I get older. We only argue about sex. Never about money, the kids,just sex. Im so frustrated with her. Example. I rented an ocean front house for thanksgiving. Six bedrooms lots of space. First night im told to not even think im getting any. Walls are too thin. We have had sex in smaller places or even outside. She just didn't want anything. I only get good,not great, sex about two maybe three times a year. Birthday, anniversary .those kind of things.
    Good luck
     
  3. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    Bummer. Dunno how old you are either, I'm 40 in a week and we've been married 10 years with kids that are 5 and 6 years old.

    We've been at places where it's been clear that we're out of sync with eachother. We've had counselling, although other circumstances disrupted the process such that it was cut short, but we went through it long enough to get the gist of how to work through things.

    I would highly recommend couples counceling of whatever form. We've had counseling twice, once before kids and the other was around 2 years ago we had counseling from a sex therapist. As to the sex therapy, I want to say that it's probably 80 to 90% about the relationship, but the process (assuming there's a somewhat standard template) involves basicly stopping sex (including all attempts to initiae) and rebuild from scratch, slowly building intimacy (your homework assignment) with each session.

    You may say that the arguements are about sex and other areas are okay, but if things aren't right with sex it can be a reflection of other aspects of the relationship. Chances are that when you want sex and she doesn't, you're frustrated and she's put off. It breaks down the trust in the relationship - you don't trust her to meet your needs and she might be thinking she can't trust you to consider her feelings.

    I see a lot of parellels and interrelationships between sexuality in m marriage (and within the married relationship in general) and other things. For example, in my job - I've been an engineer for 11 or so years, and I've had 5 jobs. What I've learned in my profession is that at first I leaned heavily on my ability to be qualified in my positions, but really the job requires making constant effort to exceed expectations. (My jobs ended for reasons never related to performance, but I've had opportunities to continue employment when I've exceeded expectations and my boss has found a way to retain me when mass cuts happenned.)

    The same goes for marriage. There isn't an easy way to keep a relationship strong, you have problems and you have to work hard to get through them.

    Anyway, that probably relates more to saying what my experience is with relationships and I share it in hopes that it gives others something to think abou and hopefully be useful.
     
  4. almostthere

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    Im 45: and therapy may be in the cards soon. My wife is going thru her changes early. I can understand that but to not give any effort in the intamacy part is hard to handle. I had alot of broken promises of "I will try" just to have it fall flat. In fairness to her she was never a real sexual wild woman and im her first and only. We meet very young. Me on the other hand was out tapping whatever I could before her and I started having sex. I waited five years for her to be ready. She was twenty at the time. After that I never had any sexual relationship with another.
     
  5. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    The last time we had counselling and I searched for someone who does sex therapy, I found a search that seemed to work pretty good and if I recall correctly it was through Psychology Today's online website. You can search your area by specialty.

    Assuming costs are fairly typical, expect to pay $100 per session, and had we been able to go through the whole thing uninterrupted I think when we asked, we were told it can be 16 sessions start to finish.

    As an example of what I remember, besides talking through conflicts we were assigned homework. Typical of all homework assignments was that 3 times each (i.e. 6 times) between sessions you had to do the assignment and the necessary elements would be that partners take terms initiating a session, it had to start with an invitation. Invitation itself is an act that requires creativity and thoughtfulness. When the time comes for the session, the initiating partner goes first and does the act to the other for a set period of time, then roles reverse. This is to be repeated some number of times within a single session.

    As the sessions with the therapist progress, so to does the exercise. It might start with just touching your partner but you aren't allowed to touch genitals, then the next time you might get to touch genitals, and so forth... You'll talk about how it went, feelings it generated, and so forth - and if you can't complete the assignment you'll talk about why.

    Plan on spending the money, and IMO it's worth it when things get as bad as they sound because once you know the method and understand eachother you may be able to do this on your own, but I think it really helps to have someone guiding you through when you it gets to a point where you're in a viscious circle of defeat begetting defeat.

    And believe me, it's hard to realize how both of you have a role in this cycle and you may not fully realize what you're doing until you get forced to stop, pause and think about it, then start over. Be patient and it will be worth all the work it'll take to get through it.
     
  6. pbs

    pbs
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    I used to have a problem like this, but I've learned where the mines are and when it's safe to talk about sex, and in how much detail, and things have eased up a lot. With my SO, the problem was her insecurities and self image, due mostly to her religious and cultural upbringing. She would easily misunderstand anything said about sex as being judgmental, critical, dirty, or pushy, so we just didn't discuss it for a long time.

    If she likes to "do" and not talk about it, then just have fun and don't talk. A few soft compliments during sex won't hurt, and a well timed compliment in the car, or anytime away from the bed, might help break the ice. When I do mention anything, it's usually like "will you help me do something" or "feel something," or "I love it when you..."

    This forum is a good place to express yourself freely about sex, your desires, fantasies, and other things that she might not like to talk about. That's why I'm here.
     
    #6 pbs, Nov 27, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2011
  7. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    I've been working a method using a calendar so we can plan with less pressure our sex, and she seems to like it.

    It's not a matter of her having religious or upbringing issues, not in the same way, she was more sexual than me at first, we used to watch porn together during sex, but she has changed.

    What I'm starting to think is that I wonder if getting her to want me bad enough that she'll want to make it happen is a state she doesn't achieve because when we have sex, she gets oral and she gets me inside her, so she doesn't really have to wait. The idea of withholding something she wants doesn't appeal to me, but I wonder if I need to withhold oral from her until she begs for it... Or something along those lines.
     
  8. pbs

    pbs
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    Don't forget that sex for women starts between their ears. My wife can go for a month without sex if she's off taking care of her mom or sister, and it doesn't bother her because she's not thinking about it. But she can be aroused frequently if she is properly "pursued" with foreplay. I think if you try to withhold stimulation from her, you will only be depriving yourself.

    Setting play dates is a good idea - my wife and I do it and it works great for both of us. Just make sure that she has as much fun as you do. One of the techniques I've learned over the years is teasing and peaking using my tongue, and I've been able to give her very powerful orgasms, so she enjoys our dates.
     
  9. almostthere

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    Good advise, thanks
     
  10. Ashlee41293

    Ashlee41293 New Member

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    I agree with PBS too, I don't think withholding something she enjoys is going to score you any points. I know how you feel when you have so much desire and it's not reciprocated. I once heard that desire is when one person wants the other more. I cannot relate to how hard it is to have the demands of kids (don't have any), so I don't know how she feels. Could she have a self-esteem issue? Or a trust issue? That's the only thing that would hold me back.
     
  11. MILF_Rider

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    This might be something that I'm explaining badly because I don't have enough time choosing my words carefully to explain it well, but it's not a matter of her saying lick my pussy and me saying no. It's a matter of not licking her pussy until she actually wants me to.

    Things going as they were, I'd want sex, lick her pussy but it was about getting her wet and she didn't have the interest to get beyond that. But since she got it, the desire wasn't building to the point she'd want it enough to enjoy it.

    So Sunday instead of a quickie, I went with a HJ. Today, she wanted it and I gave it to her, and she enjoyed it. Then we tried out her new shoes. Which she also enjoyed, although I may have went for the most elevation I could get among low price shoes and made her too much taller (I had to stand on toes a bit. But that's probably better discussed in my shoes thread, if there's anyone interested in that discussion.
     
  12. pbs

    pbs
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    If I'm reading this correctly, I think you need to learn how to tease her. I don't know how responsive she is, but if you kiss around her clit, and touch everything BUT her clit, maybe you can awaken it's desire to be touched, even though she may not be thinking about it. If you feel it start to get hard, give a little LESS stimulation. If it starts to get softer, then kiss her somewhere else, always giving just a little less stimulation than it wants. The idea is to arouse her clit, and make it want to be touched. You can even do this if she isn't really into it, if you do it properly. It almost has a life of it's own, and you can seduce her clit in spite of her lack of interest, if she doesn't fight it.
     
  13. Meow181

    Meow181 Active Member

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    HORH... I can only rely my experiences here.... Ive been with MOTH - MOTH = Man Of The House since I was 14... Im 48 now.. been married 27 yrs..... Weve been through all the good/bad/ugly..... At the age yr kids are at... us wives get caught up with our roles as Mums n wives... we r acutely time poor in our role.... although my case is different to yrs.... wot I noticed happen in my marriage is that as a wife we put so much energy into our kids, maintaining a home doing what is expected if u like..... that in my case due to being emotional and psychologically abused without him even realising that he did this... we get devoured into the life rut... we burn out getting the kids up, meals, ironing washing doing the school run around.... you know.... teddy bears picnic, excurisions to the zoo, tuck shop duty etc.... that we view sex as merely another chore at the end of the day.... its not anything youve done wrong its just a phase of life.... we put so much energy into doing what we have to do(as wives n mothers) and never do what we want to do..(as a wife and woman). time doesnt allow this......I feel its all about being treated as a wife and woman.... not a house keeper, taxi driver etc.... I cant give u the answer to rectify this.. I can only tell u from my life experiences where I went..... here I am in my life now.... my kids have all left home in the last 6 months... and Im trying to re-kindle a marriage that has been "damaged" from being a mum and house slave........its taken me to last weekend to let loose and not worry about what him or my kids want... for the first time in my life if u view my post in the lounge about Im spoiling myself.... for the first time in my 27 year marriage Ive cut sick... Ive had a ball... been pissed as... and worrying about no one except myself... prior I would of been have the kids eaten.. r u ok MOTH etc...in 2009 I cut sick and lived my dream and bought a brand new Harley.. Bubba.. my kids said Mum yr going through a mid-life crisis.. I said nah... Ive busted my arse privately educating u kids.. for the first time in my life... I can put myself first.....others find this hard to relate too.... as I sit here in Tasmania with my blood family (im adopted) everyone says why didnt u take MOTH with u... as I feel.. why should I??? its my turn now.... I dont have to give him a second thought ...usually Id be is he happy, what does he need...can I get something for him......so in conclusion.... I can only say.... slow down..... back off.. rekindle what was when u first met and the love n lust will follow..... I feel its nothing about what u did or didnt do.. said or didnt say,..... us Mums are so time poor and feel torn in so many different directions as is part of our role as this point in our lives.... that screwing is merely the end of the day chore... and if we dont feel loved, wanted and desired its merely like I said before just another chore to add to the list of many ....try bring back the reasons why we fell in love in the first place... the actions we did and took..... I bet if yr the same as me so much has changed.. there is no element of surprise, flowers, chocolates of whateva yr love bug was... therefore when our men come after us... its merely another chore on the list of so many that we physcially havent got the time or energy for.....up until a fw weeks ago... my definition of Wife.. was Wash Iron Fuck Etc.. I dont hink Im alone in there thoughts as us Mums live the chaotic and hectic life that we do... fellas finish work when they clock off.. us wives??.. nah only when everyone is asleep and at peace for the night do we clock off... assuming no one wakes up crying or vomiting or blah blah blah.... u can go to all the counsilling u want... but this will only be viewed as yup.. another chore.. shut up and comply n keep him happy..... give her time... support her where u can.... treat her as the most attractive amazing woman in the world... and love will blossom again...
     
    #13 Meow181, Nov 29, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2011
  14. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    I've read that kind of stuff, but the thing is that she is very sensitive and very impatient. Whether or not the redhead stereotypes are true in general, they are with her. There's a very narrow band of pleasure that gets her to orgasm, and too much intensity, too little, or too much change all lead to frustration in her case.

    The bigger issue is competing interests outside of intimacy - kids, a house that is a fixer-upper, money, etc.
     
  15. pbs

    pbs
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    I agree. These are the things that really interfere with a man and woman having the time and peace of mind to really appreciate each other.

    Fortunately for me, I've somehow known this all my life, and have made it so I now have a financially secure and stress free life. I was recently asked "what do I do in retirement," and I blurted out "play guitar and make love." My interest in music has faded recently, so I spend most of my time loving my woman.
     
    #15 pbs, Nov 29, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2011
  16. pbs

    pbs
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    You can view this as a drawback or a challenge. As a challenge, you would seem to have the ability to drive her insane with desire. From what you've said, it's just a matter of learning how to do it, and keep it positive. I would try to gradually slow her down, and start to take more control over her orgasms. If she likes to cum, and trusts that you will always let her in the end, then you can add variety to her experiences.

    IMhO, she sounds a bit of a wildcat, and you may just need to tame her a little. I had an affair with a gal like this once, and she actually needed and wanted someone to tame her, but had not found one until she met me. We had a great time together, but she was married, so it didn't go anywhere. I took control of her slowly, gently, and lovingly.