the line-crosser

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by uvKitten, Sep 26, 2007.

  1. uvKitten

    uvKitten New Member

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    Hello all,

    A while ago, I posted to ask your opinion about my "friend with benefits," who wouldn't wear a condom without a big fuss, and who tries to push his penis in without a condom immediately after I told him it's not okay.

    This time, I am writing in to ask for helps.

    I tried to talk to him about this issue a few times, as unaccusingly and calmly as humanly possible, considering the fact that I was really shocked and angered by his attempts. Every time, he just laughs and say something to the extend that "it doesn't matter if you remember right?" It's like he is making it sound like he didn't intentionally try to sneak his dick in, he just "forgets!"

    None the less, I got him trained, he hasn't try any more of those clever tricks on me again.

    But I am still have issues on similar issue. The other night, I was really tired and already in bed when he was masturbating to some internet porns in front of the computer. I usually don't mind porn and don't mind if he pleases himself in front of me; his rights to swing his fist ends only at where my nose begins.

    But then he came into the bedroom and straddled me, I told him I was really tired, so then he said "then I will ejaculate over you, are you scared?"

    He had expressed curiosity about trying this before, and a few times, I had explicitly consented for him to do so, I told him I wouldn't mind. But this night, I was really tired and didn't feel like pulling myself out of bed for a shower and then try to fall asleep again. So I made some pathetic excuse and told him that "yeah I'm scared, I won't have any clothes to wear tomorrow." So he told me to just take off my shirt.

    Too tired to argue and negotiate with him, I complied but explicitly told him not to get any on my face. I thought I will just have a quick wash when he is done and go back to sleep...

    But then the jerk ejaculated all over my face, into my eyes, onto my hair, made a big mess, and then started giggling and said, "eww, so soo soooo grosss. Will you go blind now that it got into your eyes?"

    I privately agreed. It felt really gross to me too. But I am not sure if he was saying his gunk was gross or I looked gross to him. Either way I was quite angry at his insensitivity -- I told him I was tired and didn't want to play, he didn't care, and insisted to USE my body. I consented for him to go on but only with the condition that he won't get any on my face, and he crosss that line deliberately.

    Sort of like how I told him I won't sleep with him without a condom, then he kept trying to sneak his penis in without my consent, and then LAUGH about it.

    I dragged my exhausted body into the shower; I rubbed soap into my eyes to try to wash out the intense feeling of dirtyness in me; I also had to wash my very long hair and then dry them again before I can go back to bed. I was so angry at him, it was all I could do to keep silence and not face with him, I really hated to cry in front of boys. And if he eggs me on, I don't think I could hold it much longer.

    He finally seemed to notice that I was upset and wasn't finding his jokes funny. I lied down with my back to him, trying as best as I could to calm myself down. He tried to roll me over to face him, I fought with him, and fought my feelings at the same time -- the intense feeling of humiliation and resentments! This guy doesn't care what choices I made, he only cares about getting the pleasures he seeks!

    I really didn't want to cry, but I couldn't help it. So I curled up into a ball and tried to sob as quietly as possible. But he kept trying to turn me around. The more I fought his grip and tried to hide my tears from him, the harder I cried, to the point where I was trembling, shaking in white rage.

    I just kept telling myself, "don't do anything rash, just don't say anything now, you WILL regret it later."

    The boy, in the mean time, tried to cuddle me while I wept on, but finally, he gave up and just went on to find his own sweet dreams.

    But I couldn't sleep that night. I was so tired, but at the same time, so sad, so angry, so hurt.

    The boy in question lives in a small village on a remote island, I would have left that night, but I had to wait for the first ferry in the morning.

    By the time morning comes, I already sneaked out of his bed room and packed all my stuff and got ready to leave, but he woke too, and asked me "what's the matter with you? Why aren't you in bed? you hardly got any sleep last night, come back!"

    I was still shaking a little, not sure from the rage or humiliation. I only know that if I talk to him now, I will just scream abuses at him. I will just do something to make a bad situation worse. So I held my tongue.

    After a long silence, he finally asked, "do you want to stop 'playing' like we did?"

    I nodded. Funny how this insensitive boy seems to suddenly become too sensitive to say the word "sex."

    "okay, I won't bother you again, but just come back and lie down with me, just this one last time, let me cuddle you. I won't bother you again, promise."

    Thinking this is still a better solution than having me run away without saying anything and possibly never talking to him again, I agreed. We slept side by side, but without touching each other. At the time, I seriously thought it was the best thing I could have hoped for. If I no longer have sex with him, we don't have to talk about what happened, right?

    Next day, we watched one of his very long and boring "Art films." It was so lengthy that we couldn't finish it the first day, so I had to stay the night again to finish the rest of the film.

    Then another film.

    Then another film.

    That's how we grazed over the whole thing. We never talked about it, he appears completely baffled and clueless at how I could be so upset over a bit of spilt seman; but he asks no more question. He made no more explicit sexual advances, though I think I can smell the expectations in the air.

    Having had multiple attempts at talking to him about wearing the rubber, every single time having the result of feeling not being taken seriously AND belittled, I really don't feel thrilled to enlighten him that it is not acceptable to squirt over my face when I clearly and explicitly did not consent. In fact, no matter how many time I go over the confession/confrontation in my mind, it still sounded a bit aggressive and out of control to me:

    [I thought about screaming at him that...] "You don't give a flying frog about what choices I have made, you don't care about how I feel, you don't care about what I say, whether I like it or NOT, you will just keep doing whatever pleases YOURSELF."

    It didn't sound right to me, so I gave him the cold shoulder for two weeks or so, now, he is away for a field trip, and he would be back by Friday. I am dog-sitting for him in his village house, all by myself right now.

    It was easy to fake busy and not visit him last two weeks while he was in town; but now that I am already in his house, it's really hard for me to just go home without making it looks like I hate him and I don't even want to be his friend.

    And to be honest, I don't know if that's entirely untrue.

    The question(s): Should I stay in his house until he comes back? Or could I run away before his ferry arrives on Friday? is it necessary for me to tell him why I am angry at him? Do I OWE him an explanation? And if so, HOW do you suppose I could do so without baring my fangs and look hysterica? If not, HOW do I get over the feeling that I am a coward and that I have let a man mistreat me and just crawled away with my tail between my legs, totally defeated??

    And, as an after thought... seriously, what should I have done? Where did it all went so wrong??
     
  2. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I don't quite understand... You do know you are being raped don't you? If not listen close! You are being raped. Just because you know him and he smiles while he is doing it does not change things. He is doing sexual things that you don't want to do and he continues when you say stop. I'm not a lawyer but it sounds like rape to me.:mad
     
  3. cook74

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    I guess there must be a reason why you hang around this guy, but for the life of me I can not understand what this reason could be :shrug

    He sound immature, selfish, egotistical, self absorbed, rude, crude, insensitive, have I left anything out? His behavior is tantamount to sexual abuse. Even when I am feeling so horny that I can't stand it any longer I will not push myself onto my partner if she is not willing. :tsktsk

    Dear, you need to leave this jerk, NOW
    :eek:utahere

    If he is only a "Fuck buddy" then there should be no strings attached. Or is there something that is holding you back? ???
     
  4. uvKitten

    uvKitten New Member

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    yeah there is something holding me back. He is my best friend's coach; and he is the only person in my whole community (except my best friend, who is a book worm) who supports the extreme sports that I engage in. We even made plans to do some major expeditions together.

    If I lose him as a sport partner, I don't know that I will find another one.
     
  5. cook74

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    Ok, but to keep him as a partner in sport doesn't necessarily require you to share your bed with this man.

    This sport must be very important to you, but from the impression I got off your post, you are being taken advantage off. Does that really need to continue for you to still enjoy this particular sport?
     
  6. uvKitten

    uvKitten New Member

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    No, I don't need to continue to sleep with him. He says "he won't play like that again," which probably means a promise of not having sex with me again. It's almost funny how he just couldn't say the word "sex." properly.

    But if I know him at all... before long, he would be pushing the boundary again. I don't want to keep giving him the cold shoulder, or to pull a long face everytime we spend time together. But it's like, as soon as he thinks I am not angry, he tries to flirt again.
     
  7. cook74

    Gold Member

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    Then make it so clear that even this dumb ass will understand. If you have to, tell him to go fuck himself but your relationship is to be purely platonic, and as partners in your sport.

    If he still doesn't get the message, then I'd suggest getting the hell out of that place and searching for a new partner.

    Surely you can hook up with a club on line or something, you would know better considering I don't even know what your extreme sport is.
     
  8. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    I have been in a relationship like this and would advise you to get away from this man and stay away. He is manipulating you and has already suceeded in making you feel guilty over something that is HIS fault. At the very least you need to make it very clear that his behaviour is NOT acceptable and that you will not put up with it. Otherwise he will keep pushing the boundaries knowing there are no adverse consequenses to his actions.
    Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk about the situation further.
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    All the above advice should be seriously taken. This person is an abuser, and a habitual one, at that. The cycle is evident:
    1. sweetness ("flirting") which leads to
    2. manipulation
    3. forcefulness
    4. belittlement
    5. apologies
    6. promises of change
    ......
    1. sweetness
    2. ----

    I think you get the picture.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    Most (if not all) abused people feel they recieve something from the abuser that could never be replaced, hence, they stay with the abuser hoping that it really will stop this time. But it doesn't. It usually escalates. The abused person somehow tends to feel she can change the abuser in time.

    Advice? Leave. Leave before Friday. Leave now. You are not obligated to give him a reason (He'll only turn it around to try to make you feel stupid). You ARE obligated to move on in your life, finding friends and relationships that are mutually stimulating and beneficial. You ARE obligated to better yourself and find companionship that encourages self-worth and self-confidence.

    Good luck! :grouphug
     
  10. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Atta...

    ...girl! God, I hope she reads that well. And takes action.
     
  11. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    No one can take advantage of you unless you allow them to. I don't think it's your fault at ALL, you sound very intimidated by this man. If I were you, I'd run as fast as I could, and ignore his calls when he returns.
     
  12. Flame_Tamer

    Flame_Tamer New Member

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    All good advice already posted. Guys like this never change. Unfortunately it tends to get worse. I would highly recommend getting away from him as fast as you can. I have seen many asshole like this. Many times this has ended in physical violence later down the road. As a paramedic I have dealt with many rape and domestic violence victims and have been to court to testify for the D.A. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW!!!! nothing good can come of this.
     
  13. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Sounds like this guy is in english terms (( a f*****g ass*ole )) and enjoys taking your mind just as far as he can in the direction you dont wish it to go, then he becomes a nice guy ( at least until you have cooled and gone back to zero ) then the game begins again and again and so on and so on and blahh blahhh blahh...until you have no self respect, have no confidence and are stuck with this guy for ever more....

    Ditch him whilst you still have the strength in you to do so....so what if he can help you in your extreme sports....if i were you id kick him to the curb and chuck a vibro at him....(( with the words go pluck yourself ))

    Like buffalo says this guy is just one step away from being the exact same as a rapist...

    There are plenty of people that are into extreme sports ( you have access to the internet why not check for forums that are to do wit hthat aspect, see if you can find some close or local t oyou, and see if theres ant teachers willing to help ( rather than willing to screw your life up to make themselves feel stronger inside their pathetic selves. )
     
  14. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Everyones advice is right on here.....time to take out the trash and make sure you do not dump him in the recycle bin!!!!!!!!
     
  15. heelfetish

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    I wish I had Rose's way with words. Heed this great advice. Leave, and don't look back. He's abusing you!
     
  16. Dreama

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    Leave now. You don't owe him a damn thing, honey. Get the hell out of there!
     
  17. Bluesy

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    Eek, what a psycho! :nerv Sever all ties with him ASAP!! He's not one bit sorry for his actions; don't fall for that load of BS.
     
  18. NaughtyKnickers

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    There are so many insightful thoughts here, I could only puppet what others have put forth.
    My only additional thought is, life is TOO SHORT to be wasted on someone who plays with your mind and manipulates your emotions.
     
  19. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I have not seen one person advising you to
    stay with this ass hole.
    Leave while you can and never look back, As you will only
    get the same treatment over and over again.

    Life is short, Start a new one now.

    Hiker
     
  20. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I think you know what you have to do by now, but believe me I know how hard it is to do it. I lived with a similarly manipulative asshole for ten years, sweetie. Please, don't let this happen to you. It got to the point where my whole life revolved around him and his emotions. I had no self esteem and thought that his needs and happiness were the only thing that mattered, and somehow his happiness gave my life meaning. Of course I knew he was an asshole and so did everyone in my family and all my friends. Every time I went back for extended visits with my family (without the ex) they'd spend more or less the whole time telling me how much of a jerk he was and that I should leave him, etc, etc. It got to the point where I was sick of hearing about it. It made me feel stupid and pathetic for staying with him.

    But that's definition of co-dependence. It's the easiest thing in the world to think about leaving and talk about leaving, but actually doing it is more difficult than anyone can imagine. The emotional hold he has on you is very strong, and you keep telling yourself, "maybe if I just stay with him a little longer...if I'm patient, he'll finally acknowledge how much I've done for him and realize how much of a fool he was. Then he'll give me all the love and respect I deserve." Unfortunately, this is a fantasy. He will NEVER EVER change.

    Please, get out now while you still can. Gather up the remains of your self-esteem and leave him. Get a friend to help you. You do not have to talk to him "as unaccusingly and calmly as humanly possible." There's no way in hell he'd ever give you that much respect. You are nothing more than a living sex toy to him. Please, do not let what happened to me happen to you. You deserve so much more.