The home alone and could use some funny sex stories thread

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by sandwich, Dec 28, 2012.

  1. sandwich

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    Hi y'all. Hope you are having a good holiday season. I was hoping you could share some funny sex stories with me because I am home alone with what is probably bronchitis. I thought I was coming down with laryngitis but then other symptoms started up, and now I can barely talk and I'm coughing like a seal or whatever animal that makes that sound and my ears are full and I have vertigo and even a strange noise coming from my chest while breathing. My doc doesn't have any openings until Monday so I may end up at an urgent care place tomorrow so I can get an antibiotic.

    We were supposed to go skiing yesterday but I wasn't up for it, and then maybe sledding today, so I told my bf he might as well just go in to work and not take the vacation time. I am on comp time, which I may change to sick time when I go back to work. Last year's cold and flu season skipped me, and this is the second time I've been sick this round. I've not taken a sick day in the six years I've worked at the place I am now. I don't know how to take it easy.

    If you don't have a funny sex story I'll take anything funny. Maybe you have a story about something ridiculous one of your relatives said over the holidays. I have one so I will tell you that in a while. Come to think of it, I would be happy to hear any story whether it is humorous or not.
     
  2. sandwich

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    Here is my ridiculous relative story....

    I love my mother, and I had a very good childhood, but every time the family gets together one of us ends up being the subject of her speculation. This time it was me.

    I can't give exact quotes but this is how it went when my bf and I arrived at my parents' house the day before Christmas (in front of the whole family).....

    Mom...Oh my God, Sandwich, you look terrible. What has happened to you? You used to be so beautiful, and now look at how thin you are. You're not becoming anorexic are you?

    Me...No, Mom. When Grandma died I just didn't feel like eating that much. It's how I deal with grief. And I've recently taken up Zumba so that probably has something to do with it.

    Mom...You know that over exercising is one of the symptoms don't you?

    Me....Yes, and no, that's not why I'm doing Zumba. There's nothing to worry about. I've already gained back a couple of the pounds I lost.

    Mom...You mean you were thinner than that? Maybe you need to see a doctor.

    Me...I'm fine, Mom. (This is about when one of my brothers who was standing next to her started mocking her and shaking a finger at me)

    Mom...Okay. Just be careful. I'm sure this nice young man liked you the way you looked when you met. At least you haven't lost your boobs.

    Yep. That's my mom.
     
  3. igor

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    LOL! good one. Hey - hope you get over the crud. A lot of crap (colds & flu) going around these days.
     
  4. Slipikins

    Slipikins New Member

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    For the last 7 years I have lied to my kids every Christmas season. When they were two and three they always wanted to eat the candy canes on the tree. To rectify this situation, I told them they weren't "ripe" and wouldn't taste good. Then the week of Christmas, when they would ask for one, I'd walk over to the tree and act like I was looking for ripe ones.

    Sadly, I got busted this year when my oldest daughter (9) sat me down and told me to “knock it off, candy canes don't ripen”.

    All I have to say is it was fun while it lasted! :]
     
    #4 Slipikins, Dec 28, 2012
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2012
  5. sandwich

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    Thanks Igor!

    And Slip....that was hilarious! I may save that one for when and if I get around to having kids.

    I actually decided to go to the urgent care place today before closing and now I've got some antibiotics, some cough syrup with codeine and some medicine to take care of the vertigo...never knew there was such a thing.
     
  6. Barbwire

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    Coupla nights ago hubby and I retired to the loft to make sexy time after a dinner of venison hotdogs, organic cheddar mac & cheese and steamed asparagus.

    Started things off by taking a stink piss, whilst making great booming noises with one end and belching my fillings loose at the other and ended in a odd combination of vaginal contractions, explosive farting and hysterical laughter.

    In my defense, I am lactose intolerant and was extremely relaxed during the sexual festivities. Also, a note to the uniformed, consumption of venison often leads to massive cases of the floating nasties.




    So, anyone turned on yet?


     
  7. igor

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    Yuk!
     
  8. Barbwire

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    Well, I guess you had to be there. :D
     
  9. Anotherday

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    I dunno, does kneeing your wife in the head while trying to change positions count? It was funny to us. We're into pain somewhat, but not like that.
     
  10. CurvedUp

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    Sandwich.

    You know the story about me, so you might like this. Not sure this is going to happen all the time.

    Saturday night LMM, her name, and I became very intimate. She said I need you tonight, so she left her views at the door and we made very intimate love. So much so that we took one picture of me inside of her so that I could use it later, for my pleasure. and it is very hot. Never done that before. It takes about 5 seconds for me to get hard looking at it.
     
  11. aden045

    aden045 New Member

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    I thought I was coming down with laryngitis but then other symptoms started up, and now I can barely talk and I'm coughing like a seal or whatever animal that makes that sound and my ears are full and I have vertigo and even a strange noise coming from my chest while breathing. My doc doesn't have any openings until Monday so I may end up at an urgent care place tomorrow so I can get an antibiotic.

    We were supposed to go skiing yesterday but I wasn't up for it, and then maybe sledding today, so I told my bf he might as well just go in to work and not take the vacation time. I am on comp time, which I may change to sick time when I go back to work. Last year's cold and flu season skipped me, and this is the second time I've been sick this round. I've not taken a sick day in the six years I've worked at the place I am now. I don't know how to take it easy.
     
  12. CurvedUp

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    Update on the pictures we took the other night. Cool thing. I texted her the picture of me inside of her a few days ago and she told me last night the she looked at it to give herself an orgasm. She is wet and you can see it on me. She also let me take some her after me giving her an oral orgasm. Love looking at them. So much better than memory.

    When she lets her sexual being out she is the best!!!! All the way around.