The downward spiral

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by peta pumkin, Jul 12, 2007.

  1. peta pumkin

    peta pumkin New Member

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    Anyone who has read my previous thread would probably think the title “Utopia to Despair” was a misnomer for I left my life story when I was enjoying life as never before. I was mentally and physically on top and had a “stable” relationship with such magnificent sex that I had not believed possible. The B/F was a good looking hunk, had good employment in I.T. and we had made some sketchy plans for a long term relationship. He was 12 years older than me but this maturity only added to his charm, he spoke well, was a good entertainer and apart from my dominant attraction (SEX) he was fun to be with.
    Without any hint or warning this relationship crumbled to nothing when I visited, as I did every day only to find he had checked out from his unit and moved away without as much as a goodbye. No irrelevant details of how but I found his contract had expired; he had relocated interstate to his head office. At first I could not believe his action, there had been a mistake, this feeling was soon replaced by grief, I was at the bottom again, then anger as I had never experienced. I will find him and somehow hurt him as he had hurt me.
    Another clever subterfuge and I was able to obtain his address. Sunday was his day off work so I went by budget airline and hire car and arrived at his listed home to “have it out with him”. Maybe I had done something wrong, he would forgive me and we could resume our relationship. Oh I needed him! I was alive with him!
    I sat in the car seemingly for hours rehearsing what to say, and building enough courage to do it. A crunch back to reality when he came from his house holding hands with a little girl, followed by, presumably, his very pregnant wife and another little child in a baby carriage. All loaded into an SUV and away!
    I was stunned! Again the full range of emotions returned, I would confront them, he loved me and would go away with me! Or, I would destroy his marriage and family and seek another life without him, he deserved it. Or, I would do nothing but cry, that’s all I am good for. That’s what happened, I sat weeping in despair, hoping he would return alone and we could talk. This did not happen. It was nearly evening before I had the strength to return home.
    For many weeks I existed as a recluse, depressed so low that I would often lay in bed for more than 24 hours straight, no food no drink, no bathing. I could not be bothered.
    I hated myself; in my early days I got what I asked for; depravity. During the latest relationship I got what I asked for; the top of the world then dump to the pits. That’s all I should have expected. Is it all worth it?
    My thoughts turned to how I could punish myself. Go to the bottom then there is no where to go than to go up. Oh, what a journey, if I could have seen the consequences of my action I would never have started
     
  2. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    PP why did you start a separate story.
    As you do a great job of writing.
    Now do a great job and straighten your life out
    We are all for you so please keep us updated.

    Hiker
     
  3. peta pumkin

    peta pumkin New Member

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    I am now leading a “half life” in a Womans’ Refuge, intended for physically abused wives. I am here supposedly to recover mentally and physically from a gang rape situation and a very serious beating that left me close to death. I was to blame I went looking for it, the sex not the beating; Nobody deserves the savagery that I endured. It’s not a nice story.
    The days and nights here are long and boring, the other clients (inmates) are too bound up in their own children and problems and I have little contact with them.
    I attend “one-on-one” counseling every second day with a community appointed counselor. Often they are not the same person each time and I feel that they are more interested in gaining another subject for their own Doctorate studies rather than helping me.
    A few weeks ago I was sitting outdoors in the garden weeping and feeling miserable with life when an old man from the aged care facility which is in the same complex came and sat beside me and asked me if he could help me with anything.
    A kind old soul who actually comforted me by just asking, he did not want to intrude but thought he might be able to help.
    Please do not laugh at me but this couple of weeks on, my best and only friend is an 82 year old geriatric who is 12 years older than my own grandfather would be if he was still alive. I have never told him of my past life but hinted that my physical injuries were caused by a jealous ex boyfriend. He has entertained me with many, many stories of his life which has been quite colourful but similar to myself he is now consumed with loneliness. During some of our many conservations he has “wished” that he could “turn –back-the –clock” as he did still get the infrequent sexual urge. He has been an enormous help to me so I thought that for once in my life I would help someone else and I, (yes me}suggested that we should try a bit of actual physical sex. Don’t just talk about it lets discreetly do it!
    During my daily out of complex walk (“It will do you good to mix with the community” said one counselor) I took a room in a local Motel, phoned my new “friend” and subsequently I helped him with the first sexual encounter he had had “for so long I don’t remember what to do”. Not as daunting for me as I expected, sure he had a wrinkly, soft old body but he with the aid of Cailis had a good firm erection and was able to fuck away for a long time. He climaxed quite vigorously but no trace of cum whatsoever. He explained that he sometimes masturbated to climax but apparently his ejaculate had dried up with age many years ago.
    I don’t feel it was wrong for having sex with a man 63 years older than myself but I am rather warm to the idea that I Have Made Someone Happy.
    I know this cannot be a lasting relationship, yes I will suggest it again, and that it will not solve my problem (which has not been identified). But for now it is good to have someone who does not want to use me. I used him with no guilt.
    Where to from here?