the decline of chemistry?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by redlacesexblog, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. redlacesexblog

    redlacesexblog New Member

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    i'm really targeting this thread to those who've been married for over 8-10 years, because, in my opinion, chemistry runs fairly well for a long time. folks married only a few years might not have the same experience and/or perspectives. i'm not saying your experiences aren't worthy. please, i mean no disrespect. i AM saying i'm interested in those who've "been there, done that" a little longer.

    ok, enough of that. here's the situation. obviously marriage is based upon both chemistry and friendship. most of us don't marry people unless both components are there.

    the problem, for many, is that the chemistry dies after years and years of marriage. some of us have been on roller coasters where it comes back and goes, comes back and goes--but there does seem to be a time for many when the chemistry fizzles all together. five of my friends are now divorcing for this very reason. i am now divorcing for this very reason.

    one of my male friends asked me what i now look for in the men i date. has the experience changed what i look for? i don't think it has, for me, but i'm interested to hear what others have to say. just how important is sexual chemistry in deciding whether or not to date someone?
     
  2. awakened

    awakened New Member

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    It is the above all -be all importance for me.
    When i met my now husband of 19 years, i felt it right away, he took my breathe away with his actions and personality and of course cool looks. he was from Texas and much more politely mannered than anyone I had ever dated. It did not take me long to deeply fall in love with him. Of course there were times after babies and such I had decreased my attraction towards him, actually towards anything sexual. It slowly but surely all came back and now in full force again. i can lay and stare at him forever and still get that excited feeling within me.
    I could never be with a man just because of his model looks or because i knew he could "support" me.
     
  3. EscortBunny69

    EscortBunny69 New Member

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    It was love at first site with Mr Bunny and the spark is still there, we have been together now for 9yrs. My belly still churns like it used to although sex isn't every night as it used to be due to life style change but I still love the bones of him and he me :tup

    We have been through alot together and we support each other
     
  4. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    Marriage can generally be considered to have stages. We are all familiar with the honeymoon stage. For many years my wife and I could not keep our hands off each other. We fucked constantly and thought about each other obsesively when we were apart. I feel that a truly fulfilled marriage requires more than that though. For us children are a huge part of that. Raising our boys is a 24/7 occupation. Many people feel that you need time away from the kids but my wife and I agree that raising caring compassionate men who have the tools to not only succeed but to enjoy life is a monumental task in today's society. If that quelches some of the "fire" than so be it. So far our boys have been very successful. And by that I mean good students with extra curricular accomplishments and community service. When I think about it, it astounds me how many things there are that are more important than sex. It makes me wonder why I spend time on this site at all.

    Anyway, I digress. There are many stages to marriage. Most of them have nothing to do with sexual chemistry.
     
  5. igor

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    I think it is quite important. It is a major component of marriage. Friendship is also important. As one of the oldest people on here (married 47 years) you have to keep both going as long as possible. We are at the stage where there is no longer any sex but the rest of the relationship is intact. Therefore even though I crave sex and the intimacy we once had, I would not divorce because of lack of it alone.
     
  6. redlacesexblog

    redlacesexblog New Member

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    thank you! wonderful comments.
     
  7. backcheck64

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    I don't think there is a decline over time. We're stronger than ever after 24 yrs. We share many comon interests and goals and that hasn't changed. If it's really right, it's good for a lifetime.
     
  8. Alwayslearningsex

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    Dating today, I will look for more than just attraction and sparks.
    Similar values. Opposites attract but too much of the opposite is not good, you want to have some harmony, and personalities that work good together. All relationships have ups and downs, but more pronounced with couples with families, conflicting work schedules, conflicting values,
    control issues, money problems. Love and friendship will last a long time if two persons work at it, not just one. MAKING TIME for each other.
    I had a woman who could still be my wife without some issues, trust namely. Everything I did she found fault or suspicion.
    Insecurity, jealousy, fault finding WILL destroy a relationship too, no secret here.
     
  9. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    We have been married for 26+ years, and I am not sure how one defines chemistry. Generally I have felt that that parties need to have the following to make a successful marriage:

    1. Common mental outlook - a desire to to communicate ones thoughts, feelings, goals, and outlook.
    2. Common spiritual outlook - a generally shared sense of morals and beliefs.
    3. Common physical outlook - a physical attractiveness to each other.
    4. A desire to share with and sacrifice for each other.

    I believe the first three may wax and wane at times in a marriage - but the 4th one is the one that must stay strong and really be worked on throughout the marriage.

    My wife and I have had a number of conversations with folks before they got married, and I am struck at how many focus on what they want to get out of the marriage, as opposed to what they intend to put into it. Related to that is not understanding that problems will happen in a marriage, and my 4th point above goes a long way in figuring out how to work together to face the problem.

    So I believe what happens, as marriage challenges occur, is that desire for sharing and sacrifice fades if couples do not work on it. That is what happened to us after about 10 years, and had we not recognized it and worked to regain it I doubt we might be together today. The benefit of working through that made that aspect of our marriage stronger than ever, which in turn enhanced the other three areas.

    The saying I have always heard that I agree with is that marriage is a series of mountains and valleys, and you don't marry someone who wants to smooth them out or avoid them, you marry someone who wants to travel the mountains and valleys hand in hand together with you.
     
  10. sinner

    sinner New Member

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    I figured I would reply with quote because this answer is so good everyone should read it at least twice.
     
  11. cbrmale

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    We've been married a few months short of 25 years, and it was love at first sight for both of us. The chemistry that was there then is just as strong today. I suspect that those who divorce after several years either don't work hard enough at making each day special for their loved one, or their chemistry wasn't like the chemistry that I know.