The Colonoscopy

Discussion in 'Erotic Literature' started by igor, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. igor

    Gold Member

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    > Subject: I always find Dave Barry funny
    >
    > .... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
    > appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
    > showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
    > to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
    > Minneapolis .
    >
    > Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
    > reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
    > really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
    >
    > 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
    >
    > I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
    > prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough
    > to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
    > suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
    > enemies.

    > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
    > nervous.
    >
    > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
    > In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that
    > day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
    > flavor.
    >
    > Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
    > powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
    > water.
    >
    > (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
    > gallons.)
    >
    > Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
    > because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
    > spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
    >
    > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
    > great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
    > movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
    > roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
    >
    > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
    > but:
    >
    > Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
    > MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
    > commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
    > bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
    >
    > And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
    > another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
    > travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten
    > yet.
    >
    > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
    > morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
    > about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
    > MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
    >
    > How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
    > Flowers would not be enough.
    >
    > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
    > and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
    > led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
    > little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
    > hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it
    > on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
    >
    > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
    > hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
    > was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka
    > in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
    > this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
    > make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
    > Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
    >
    > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
    > where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
    > see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
    > somewhere.
    >
    > I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my
    > left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in
    > my hand.

    > There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
    > 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
    > could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be
    > the least appropriate.
    >
    > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
    > ha,' I said.
    >
    > And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
    > decade.
    >
    > If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
    > you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
    >
    > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
    > yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment,
    > I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
    > Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
    > excellent.
    >
    > I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
    > that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
    > internal organ.
    >
    > ABOUT THE WRITER
    >
    >
    > Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
    > Herald.
     
  2. Barbwire

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    HAHAHA! That was priceless! I'm not sure if it's erotica or not, though. :lol
     
  3. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Agreed, CL. I mean I'm sure some people use enemas for sexual/erotic purposes, but I don't think Mr. Barry's colonoscopy was meant to be such. Btw, I posted an article about a statue that was recently unveiled in Russia as a tribute to the enema:

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=18218
     
  4. evman

    evman New Member

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    Dave Barry is a funny guy. On a serious note though I would recommend all men over 50 out there to get a colonoscopy. I know that a lot of men stress over it. I just had mine this past Monday. It was a piece of cake. The only pain you feel is the pinch when the put the IV in your arm. One minute I was awake and the nurse told me that I should start feeling dizzy soon. I told her that I was feeling dizzy and the next thing I knew they were waking me up. Sitting on the toilet for most of the day prior to it isn't much fun but it's what's got to be done. In case anyone is wondering mine turned out fine. I was told to try to eat a little more fiber and to get another done in 7 years.
     
  5. johnnyangel694u

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    When I had mine done, I said to the anesthesiologist, Is this the stuff they brag about on DR. 90210?


    That is the last thing I remember until I woke up in another room and wondered how the hell they built that wall behind me so fast.