Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by heelfetish, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. heelfetish

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    Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
    "Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/"

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
  2. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    True, very true. And if you break any of these rules I DO NOT have a problem with going back to prison. Heely you rule:bow:bow
     
  3. Bella

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    It seems like I remember my father having a few conversations
    like this with the guys that would want to take me out.
    He never really had to say too much though! :)
    Of course, I am sure the gun on the table had a little something
    to do with it! :)

    How are you Mr. Heely??
    Missed You! :)
    ~Bella
     
  4. FlirtyChick

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    LMAO! This is an awesome classic!
     
  5. Bluesy

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    Now that's a devoted dad :tup

    :rofl
     
  6. heelfetish

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    I'm great, Bella babe! I missed you too! But it's great to have ya back! :cheer :woohoo
     
  7. loveit247

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    LOL! My nearly 60 year old dad had my ex by the throat and lifted him off the ground because he hit me. I love my dad!
     
  8. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    My dad does this arm-around-the-shoulder talk with the boyfriends of all his daughters. As calmly and as reassuring as possible he'll tell the boyfriend that although he likes him as a person, if he (the boyfriend) ever does anything to hurt his daughter, then he'll hurt him.

    Then he shows the boyfriend his gun. :lol

    I asked the Swede if Dad showed him the gun when we were there and he said, oh yes...he sure did.
     
  9. K3VIN

    K3VIN New Member

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    those are funny..
     
  10. dressd2dpress

    dressd2dpress New Member

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    Man, this remind me of a conversation I had with an ex's father. I think I scared him more than he did me. I'll see if I can put it all together for you fine people.

    -I walk into the living room, as instructed by the girlfriend. Her dad is sitting in his recliner cleaning a hunting rifle. "Hello Mr. David." He greets me in kind and shakes my hand. "Remington 260?" He shakes his head and goes on to give some detail of all the hunting trophies he's claimed with the gun. "Not too shabby. I've got a 260 too. I got a medal with it from a 4-H competition. Shot a 1 inch group, 2 inches left of center at 120" (which means I put three shots within a 1 inch circle, the one closest to the bullseye being 2 inches to the left, at 120 yards) He looks pretty impressed by this.

    "So, do you collect guns or just the ones you use for hunting?" He goes on to say he owns several, one of which is actually from the civil war era. "Really? It's got the pearl handle inlays and everything? That's a really nice gun. We (me and my father collected guns at one point also) don't have any old Confederate guns like that, but we've got an original Cold War era AK." He asks a specific question about it. "Oh yeah. It's got the full-auto cut off pin in it (what he called a small metal rod that keeps the weapon from firing a fully automatic burst), but all you've gotta do is cut the pin down and put it back in."

    We continue talking about guns for a moment, and he pulls out another. He says it's his favorite because it's a muzzle-loader (is loaded in a way very similar to that of a musket) and he loves the smell of spent black powder. "Oh, I know what you mean, it's great. You ever ring an anvil?" This is where you take two anvils, one sitting atop the other, and launch the top one using a black powder charge stuffed into the top hole of the bottom anvil. He says he hasn't. "You should try it sometime. It's pretty fun. I've always wondered, though, just how much powder it'd take to blow something big like a house."

    He promptly changed the subject to sports and vehicles.
     
  11. Bella

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    Thank you Mr. Heely!! :woohoo
    *kisses*
    ~Bella