Talking Sex with an Insecure partner...

Discussion in 'Sexual Foreplay and Techniques' started by cherrie_84, Jul 8, 2013.

  1. cherrie_84

    cherrie_84 New Member

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    Hi, everyone! I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping to gain some knowledge and meet some new friends. :)

    I'm a 21 year old female but i'm with a 31 year old male partner currently. When we first met I was only 19 with only one previous partner. My first partner was an a-typical teenage guy in bed (very selfish). He would make me give blow jobs but never perform oral on me or touch me because he thought I was "gross" down there. It also wasn't until I was 18 did I find where my clitoris was or how to masturbate to the point of orgasm.

    Fast forward to my current relationship. After being together for a year I finally told my boyfriend how I have trouble with reaching orgasms during sex. I had always believed a woman was SUPPOSED to reach orgasm through penetration but I now know other wise. Once I told my partner about my problems he began freaking out, which I understood. I felt bad for lying, but I had NO idea what was "wrong" with me or who to talk to. I felt safe enough in our relationship for me to tell him, I never felt like that with my previous boyfriend. (I had a very traumatic childhood that left me with trust and acceptance issues galore)

    I guess I was wrong because it's been a mess since. On that night he kept pressuring me to admit that it's because he's "not big enough". Which is THE farthest thing from the truth. I'm extremely small in that area so larger ones can hurt more than please. He also told me it was impossible because he's ex GF would "cum 10 times in one night". If that didn't leave me feeling like shit he also demanded that I direct him with a "yes or no" while receiving oral only to scream at me for not giving quick enough answers.

    Recently he's been claiming that I'm not attracted to him and if I was I would be aroused enough I would cum not matter what he does. I'm at my wits end with him. When I try to ask him if he could touch me in a certain way he gets defensive and tells me its impossible and I need to figure it out another way by myself.

    He's been cheated on, so I know where this is coming from but how can I talk with him so that he doesn't get so angry? Is there anyway to repair this, or is this a dead issue? It's killing my sex drive, which is only fueling his fire. :(
     
    #1 cherrie_84, Jul 8, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2013
  2. cherrie_84

    cherrie_84 New Member

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    BTW I'm posting in this sub-forum in case any women (or men) have any techniques that have worked with their own partners in a similar situation.
     
  3. CaramelLady

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    Hi and welcome.
    It seems to me that there is only one adult in your relationship and it is not him. He is selfish. He is insecure. You did what you should do open up and talk to him.

    Any real man on this earth would listen to his partner and do what he could to please her. There are men that would kiss the ground you walked on if you told them you wanted to try something new.

    I have not experienced this problem. I would say that you can try extended foreplay and direct him where you want him to go, but honestly I don't think he would get it. Perhaps if you initiated the sex, sexy lingerie. I am at a loss.

    But he "screams" at you because you don't answer yes or no fast enough. How much do you love him? More than he loves you. That is not acceptable behavior at all.

    Hopefully some of the other members here can give you some direction. I have an answer but it involves run like hell to the nearest exit. But you want to try and work things out. I respect that.

    I wish I had an answer for you. You seem to be a lovely young woman and you care for this man. I hope it works out.
     
  4. losixxx

    losixxx Member

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    He seems to extremely selfish he wants you to touch him and give him oral but yet not your. With great sex comes great communication by talking touching knowing your partner. Sounds like you tried to open the doors of communication but yet he shut you down. I had to copy this part -->"When I try to ask him if he could touch me in a certain way he gets defensive and tells me its impossible and I need to figure it out another way by myself." that is a big lack of communication and lack of ones feelings.

    He made his other GF cum 10 times made you feel like shit well once again he ignored your feeling he did what he wanted to that was to make you feel like shit.

    How can you have a sex drive when your not being listened to? Me personaly I feel it is 50/50 i love to recive oral but I also like to give oral love to go down on a woman, to me there nothing more intimate.Your just going to have to establish the communication or your in for a long unsatisfying sexual experience with this guy.
     
  5. acemike

    acemike Member

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    Dump him and find a guy that works with you....
     
  6. VinceC

    VinceC New Member

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    Your guy is an idiot, my gf has the same issue, she told me about it, and instead of freakin out, we tried to find out what this thing was about, we found that almost 50% of women cannot reach orgasms during penetration, (don't know if that % is accurate but we found it in several websites), and instead have to reach orgasm by the stimulation of their clits, so that's what we do, and we have looootttsss of fun.

    She's like you, very tight on that area, I'm not a 13 inches cock stud, but everytime we have sex she says it hurts, so we also manage that situation so we can both have pleasure,

    Your guy is a jerk and only cares about his own pleasure
     
  7. teamster145

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    I can't imagine why someone would have cheated on him. He seems like quite a catch.;)
     
  8. lbushwalker

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    Hi Cherrie 84 and welcome to :sf.
    I tend to agree with almost everything others have said but especially Camel Lady.
    I also think that from now on it will be very difficult for the relationship to progress and the problem is mostly with him although I presume that you having faked orgasms? caused a major if not fatal trust issue.
     
  9. Meee

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    First of all, I don't see a connection between his history of being cheated on and his impatience with you. My first suggestion is not to make excuses for him in your mind. He's an adult--he's responsible for his attitudes.

    But even so, I would reassure him that looking for another man is not in your mind as a solution to the sexual matters you want to work on. You're committed to developing your sex life with him.

    Next, I think there needs to be a lot of patience in this. You've had a relationship for a whole year and he might be suddenly feeling like he's starting over with you. You're almost a different person to him, with different sexual preferences. Reassure him that there isn't any hurry. These things don't have to work the first time. Exploring together and learning new sexual tricks is the fun part.

    I also suggest you ignore his bluster about his former girlfriend cumming 10 times and so on. I doubt that it's true. Just write it off as part of his being flustered at this new situation.

    I don't know what way you're asking him to touch you that he thinks is impossible. Show him by touching yourself that way (if that's anatomically possible). Show him how sensual it is. Show him how much you like it. Coo about how much you'll like him doing it.

    I would also make the rather frank guess that he isn't particularly experienced or skilled at sex. This really does require some learning and practicing for him. Once again, patience is important. Take this in baby steps with him.

    And finally (for now), I think you and he need to spend more time having a romantic relationship outside the bedroom. Go out together--for daytime activities as well as dates. Be pals as well as sexual partners. Give your sex life a whole relationship to grow in. Good luck.
     
  10. kobe18214

    kobe18214 New Member

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    Dont deal with it your young were around the same age.GO Hang out with younger guys and experience more young love.Your too young to be worrying about an old man you need to enjoy being young
     
  11. 18wheeler

    18wheeler Member

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    Ironically, your little dick'd lover is being a huge dick. You need to walk away. I agree with all the above posts. He is selfish, and being a complete ass.

    EVERY woman of different. Some women might get off by intercourse alone, but i doubt 10 times. Some women require clitoral simulation to get off. if he wants to be a man and a good lover, it's his job to figure out what makes you happy and enjoy sex.

    I'm average if not below in size... My wife had been with 9 men before me and i know some where bigger. She even teases me about it..... Until she is screaming and panting and begging me to stop! Cock size has absolutely nothing to do with making a woman cum... Caring what she wants, skill, and attentiveness in bed is the key. Don't get me wrong. Some women get extremely aroused by a big cock, and in turn might get offeasier due to skyway being extremely turned on... But trust me.. What i can do with my tongue and my hands in bed trump a large Dick any day.
     
  12. cherrie_84

    cherrie_84 New Member

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    Thanks everyone for all the suggestions and all the warm welcomes :)

    We talked things over last night, and it seems like things went a little better than usual. He didn't get out of his chair or start shouting, so I guess that's an improvement. I wanted to talk to him about trying new things and even directed him to another forum to see if he saw something that he may want to try.

    He got upset and started bringing up old issues that have been discussed to death. I was firm with him and told him that we can't be talking about old issues if we want to progress. I don't know if he completely understood but he told me that he feels selfish that he can't give me the pleasure that I deserve. He said that he puts a lot of pressure on himself to make me happy in bed and feels it's his sole responsibility.

    We ended the talk by cuddling in bed. I think we may have made some progress, but time will tell if he's really open to working things out in a way that's more comfortable for me. He's still convinced that me directed him throughout sex will help him with his technique. I have my doubts but I'm willing to try.

    Thanks again :) I'll be sure to make posts if there's any positive outcomes that may help other users. And thanks for all the nice PM messages and friend requests.
     
  13. 4wantnu

    4wantnu New Member

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    Hi Cherrie,
    Sorry to hear about your problem. Sort of at a loss of what to tell you sounds like a bad situation. I could think of a few things but I,m not sure it will work with such a closed mind. Books are great in the educational department I found the Kinsey Survey most helpful with great description of averages of women and orgasms through clitoral stimulation was the highest percentage . Mabey if you could just leave the book lying around and like your not interested in it mabey he will take a peek here and there. Get some Cosmo mags the ones that describe wmns orgsams . or some mens mags .Seems nowadays there so much info out there it would be hard for a guy not to be informed.
    And i dont know but can you get him aroused by doing yourself??? Get him all horny seduce him play with his penis till hes hot and then just start fingering yourself and pull on his shaft at the same time , Then pull his hand to your clit both of you rubbing at the same time. Keep stroking him and tell him how hot he,s making you tell him how Hard hes getting. Tell him he better not cum either cause your feeling good tell him hes hitting goooooooood. Quit stroking him and concentrate on you give him some Moans for his insercurity heck youll probaly have him cummin just by watching you
     
  14. 18wheeler

    18wheeler Member

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    [ QUOTE]He's still convinced that me directed him throughout sex will help him with his technique. I have my doubts but I'm willing to try.[/QUOTE]


    You giving directions will help him, but your body already gives off signs of pleasure. To be good in bed he needs to learn to read and judge those signs.

    A woman breathes deeply when something is pleasurable, but starts taking shallower breathes when simulation is more direct it stronger or near the brink of orgasm. A woman's eyes dilate when she feels a rush of pleasure. A woman's skin may become red or flush when enjoying simulation and aroused, and some women temperature will spike during intense sex. Also easier to read signs are squirming, arching, and goose bumps.... Some of these cues can be faked, but most can not. If he wants to please you, than he needs to read your body language... It takes away some of the sexiness for you if you have to to walk him through it every time.
     
  15. octavius

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    I haven't been with a ton of women but I can tell you they are all different. Once my wife has a clitoral orgasm.... she's almost always done. She still enjoys sex after she's climaxed but she can't climax in that way again. Other women I've been with have been very different.

    I suspect the partner that was orgasming 10 times in one night was faking it or at least enjoyed being verbal in bed which interpreted as an orgasm. You might not want to tell him that though. I have found that with women who have difficulty climaxing you just need to take things slowly and build some momentum with skillful foreplay and get comfortable. Reading body signs that show your into what he is doing. Try deferring penetration and just let him get into you body with his hands and mouth. It takes a lot of work sometimes but he needs to be confident in himself and look at it as a challenge rather than an insult on his person. In the end he'll be a better lover for it.
     
  16. Anotherday

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    "I don't know if he completely understood but he told me that he feels selfish that he can't give me the pleasure that I deserve. He said that he puts a lot of pressure on himself to make me happy in bed and feels it's his sole responsibility. "

    It's not abnormal for quite a few men to have insecurities, sadly this also quite often leads to having him project issues back at you (bringing up old problems, getting angry, verbal abuse, sulking, etc.)

    Honestly, I've been there and done that many years ago when I was quite younger, and yes, quite insecure.

    He needs to get over this. He needs to get over the idea that it's his job to simply be able to will you to great sex and multiple orgasms just because one or more of his past lovers did so with him. (if there's truth in that at all in the first place)

    Everyone is different to certain degrees in what gets them off, be it physical or mental stimuli or most likely a combination of both.

    I can attest that if he would simply take that burden he's placed on his own shoulders and lie it to the side he would be much better off through the rest of his life. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with listening to your partner and learning what truly works for them and vice-versa.

    It may be worth it to you to see if he comes around and truly opens up or it may not. That is up to you.
     
  17. Imthatguy

    Imthatguy New Member

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    It seems like your partners ego may be bruised or he has low confidence? Perhaps methods to boost has confidence or "sexual self esteem" would work? I anticipate it will be a lot of work and time to get an excellent sexual relationship but the small steps are what makes it exciting and memorable. So the work and time you two put in shouldnt be thought of as work but and exciting adventure (or at least hope so).

    Regarding boosting his ego to gain confidence, men are simple. Plant the idea in his head that you crave his cock, worship his penis, his balls etc. The idea being that you want him to think whoa my lady loves my dick and wants it to fuck her ya know? If you two are comfortable with you giving him head, make some comments about loving his dick, that you want his cum (if u dont want it in your mouth or on you just say you want to see him cum so bad or something) and when u suck it off dont just suck it up and down, make love to it and adore etc. a good suggestion is to find movies of chicks giving good head and watch how they so it...

    I hope that wasn't too explicit. Good luck.
     
  18. Cappy_Dick

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    Just because he is 31, doesn't mean he has a lot of knowledge and experience in the sex department.

    Many men do not know that most women can't orgasm through intercourse alone. The ones that can usually have a large clitoris, that is stimulated by the penis shaft during intercourse. Some other can that have a large/sensitive g-spot. Male size has little to do with either, unless they are truly tiny.

    Otherwise, most woman that experience orgasm during intercourse, only do AFTER having a clitoral orgasm. Some, irregardless of having other types of orgasms, never orgasm during intercourse. Women that are multi-orgasmic by intercourse are the exception and not the rule. He needs to educate himself on the facts.

    If your guy is bigger than 4.5" up to 6.5", he is NORMAL and shouldn't be concerned about his size, as only 4% of men are either bigger, or smaller than that. He also may have a bruised ego and still be large. I did for a long time, as back in gym class I was teased for having a tiny dick, because I am a grower and not a shower. I'm actually about 8" erect. However, I had size confidence issues until after my first marriage. The ex was always happy with our sex, so I didn't worry about it 'til we split 7 years later. for different reasons. I then was worried about it 'til I started dating and I started getting compliments about my size all the time. I was around his age at the time and the world had entered the internet age, allowing me to easily research the facts at that time. Guys can be sensitive about this. If they are told they are small, it can haunt them, even though it may be FAR from the truth. There are so many myths out there about cock size, it's no wonder people are confused. Take black males for example. They only average about 1/2" in length bigger hard than European genetics men. However, the "Big Black Cock" myth lives on because black males are almost always showers, but increase very little when erect.

    Knowing all this, I have long lived by the rule of "ladies first". Although many women can't orgasm during intercourse, they always seem to enjoy it more if they've had a decent orgasm before that act. If he's not getting you off orally and/or manually prior to intercourse, then he is indeed being selfish. If he is doing that, then he needs to get off the guilt trip and you'd both enjoy more. He needs to stop thinking that you would be aroused enough that you would cum no matter what he does. That's a very selfish attitude, no matter what he's actually doing to please you.

    xx
     
    #18 Cappy_Dick, Jul 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2013
  19. amberscot

    amberscot New Member

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    Talking about sex when you're just sitting will be a great way to open up and getting comfortable with each other..