Stupid to fix the relationship?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by luff, Jun 21, 2011.

  1. luff

    luff New Member

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    I posted here a few days ago about my ex cheating on me with some girl he met online. At the time, I was completely heartbroken and even physically ill...but now I'm wondering if it's stupid to try to repair the relationship. Before anyone gets upset or thinks, "What an idiot...", please let me explain.

    Firstly, our sex lives have been lacking, largely because we've been long distance since he changed schools. I began to lose interest in sex for many reasons and he put up with it...until last week. I don't think what he did was my fault but I will admit to not pleasing him or taking care of him in any way, shape, or form that he's been asking for, even the simpler requests.

    He didn't have actual intercourse with her, he only had oral, and when I drug a few details out of him, he admitted that he was embarrassed to be out with her and she couldn't even get him off. She actually remarked, "God you are stubborn". He's never "stubborn" with me, he can actually finish within a matter of seconds and I was even able to finish him off the very first time I ever gave him - or anyone - oral. I have never, in any way, had a problem "pleasing" him and it's really hard for me to even imagine him not being able to orgasm. He said that he actually ended up finishing himself off because she couldn't do it.

    Oddly enough...I've been feeling better about myself the past few days. I'm not fat but she was even heavier than I am and I always had trouble believing that he truly didn't mind my size. He said I was curvy, I felt I was ugly and, as a result, I was really uptight sexually. But now I'm like okay...wow, he really didn't mind...and now I feel kind of sexy and a little adventurous.

    I've also talked to a few other guys on a dating site to try to break myself out of my funk. Nothing serious, just poking around to see if anyone would be interested and since I wouldn't be back at school for two months, it seemed to be a safe and smart way to slowly poke my head out of my hidey hole. Any guy I might find wouldn't even be able to physically see me for two months. And now that I've gotten so many responses (don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging, some of these guys are a little weird...) I'm feeling even more confident.

    He's been apologizing profusely and even shut down his dating profile at my request. He may go to therapy, the only problem being money (his parents are pushing for it but it's $30 a week apparently), and I'm going Wednesday. He also said that he was looking for a relationship with someone who was interested in him, not just sex, as he had been feeling I wasn't into him...which he had actually said many times before but I brushed it aside. When she refused a relationship, he cut her off.

    He's always sort of been into being dominated but I've never really tried it. The past few days I've been experimenting with bossing him around and he really likes it. I used to be the sweet, good girl who refused gifts and worried about her partner but he always wanted to spoil me and worship me...and now I'm kind of embracing that, telling him to save money because I want some, er, toys when I go back to school...and he gladly accepts and can't wait to buy me them! I'm still struggling a little with feeling guilty since I know he doesn't have a lot of money but he likes it. :shrug

    I don't intend to just forget what he did. I think we have a lot to work through on both sides of the fence and the trust needs to be repaired. I also need to recapture the adventurous spirit I used to have and make sure he's happy, too. Is it worth it to try? Or am I being stupid? A friend of mine is convinced that it's stupid but she's never liked him to begin with (and she might kinda sorta have a small thing for me...it's a mother/daughter, sister/sister feeling with a twinge of romantic interest...no, I'm not bi... >.>). We're talking about my first love, a guy I've known for about four years and have been dating for over three (four in October). He's really tried to spoil me over the years and has stood by me...she doesn't see the good that I see and thinks I don't see the bad - but I do.

    Eh, now I'm babbling. Is it worth it to try to fix this? Keeping in mind that it might not work and being cautious? Mind you, if we ever come to where we are going to be physically together again, I want him tested. The girl said she gets tested regularly but I still want him tested. >.<
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    Hi luff,
    Well I think he is a keeper because of all the good reasons you mentioned above.
    Also you did admit that you were neglecting him and so he strayed but frankly I wonder what took him so long.
    I think that this episode despite some negative has actually taught you both some valuable lessons.
    In a way you are now feeling more confident in yourself and your sexuality such that you are now a more stable and mature person as result.
    If you chose to restart a relationship with him do talk about what transpired and try to understand one another emotions and needs but then leave the past be bygone and resist the urge to use this incident in a way meant to punish him in the future.
    I think you are going to be very happy and satisfied together.
    By all means give him the satisfaction of buying you some happy toys for the times you are apart and tell him you will use them whilst thinking of him.
    Good luck :)
     
  3. backcheck64

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    I personally wouldn't tollerate any cheating, they'd be gone..PERIOD. It shows a huge lack of character. If there are problems, seek to fix them, communication, counseling, etc. If none of that works, break up or divorce, they you can have sex with whomever. To do it in the confines of a relationship is the ultimate betrayl of trust. But that's me. I take my vows seriously, they are my solem word to my wife. If I can't adhere to those vows, I shouldn't be married. We agreed we both feel this way when we married. If you will bend on this, what is there to keep him or her from doing it again? Nothing to loose.
     
  4. Barbwire

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    For once, I'm in agreement with backcheck 100%. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
     
  5. luff

    luff New Member

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    That's what I'm worried about. =/

    Ooooh, to be able to go back in time...
     
  6. backcheck64

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    Thats why people should take great care in choosing a partner. Never overlook red flags or think, ah they'll change. Marriages and relationships take work, constant attention, and can never be taken for granted. It takes a conserted effort on both parts to make a long term relationship keep fresh and strong. If one or neither will put in the effort, the relationship will fail.
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Some people did not properly read & digest in full the OP's original comments or chose to ignore 50%.
     
  8. Trond

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    Yeah. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"? Given the circumstances it really wasn't that surprising, even though it is not an ideal situation. "The ultimate betrayal of trust"? Domestic violence beats it by an order of magnitude.

    It depends on the circumstances, and the circumstances you describe do give us a reasonable clue as to how this happened. I have said this before: In certain cases, the person who cheats on you could also be the one who sticks his neck out for you when you need it. You know him better than us though. Good luck!
     
  9. AGFUNK

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    I don't think it's stupid to try to fix your relationship. I think that he's honestly sorry and if you really love him and he loves you then I would suggest counseling for both of you. Good luck!
     
  10. CosmicEye

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    Its hard to say. First I would say "If he does it once, he'll do it again". But the fact that he told you gives him credit. How did you find out? Did you catch him or did he tell you first? Wether he's lying or not is up to you to determine.

    From what you said, I think it might be ok to try and fix it. It also sounds he wants you to get dirty with him and vise versa. Explore something new. Get yourself hot by thinking about him all day and commit a rape when you get home lol, seriously. Or, go to a sex shop and buy a hot toy together. I bet he wont even think about another girl for a while.
     
  11. luff

    luff New Member

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    I caught him, he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to upset me. He was going to break up with me, keep that part to himself, and just hope I got over the breakup okay. He's never been one to yell at me or call me names or purposely try to hurt me so that makes sense, he wasn't trying to continue a relationship behind my back, he was going to break it off and just spare me the bad part.

    Lately my sex drive has been up, I feel better about myself and I'm being more open and he's really happy. My body feels good for the first time in years. However, my friend is absolutely pissed with me. She's always hated him, largely because he's mouthy. Not mouthy like abusive, mouthy like...your boyfriend/husband starts babbling about something and you swat them and say, "Knock it off." xD It really doesn't bug me (because I just do the swatting thing, haha) but it rubbed her the wrong way. He told me that he wanted me to apologize to her for him and everyone else I know. He said he doesn't want to be a bad guy and wants to make it up to me and my friends. She completely shot him down and it kind of pissed me off. She just logged out, didn't say a word to me.

    I know I'm taking a risk but the guy hasn't had actual physical intercourse in over a year (thank you college and work...). I hadn't been interested in sex for a while and was a pain in the ass. What the hell was supposed to happen you know? I don't think I deserved it and I'm not blaming myself but let's be real here - the guy is 21, he has a penis, he's horny, he shouldn't be expected to give up his happiness for me. He deleted his dating profile, hasn't talked to that girl again, and is buying me a gift even though he really can't afford it. Normally I'd say no but he really likes doing it so I'm learning to let go and just let him spoil me when he wants. He's having fun, I'm having fun...is it not possible to learn from something like this? I don't like that he did it but bad stuff can teach you things, too. It's not as if his motivation for cheating was something horrible, the relationship was lacking and what happens when your relationship no longer satisfies you? We've agreed, though, that in the future, we need to discuss our feelings more openly and share information between each other more freely. A relationship that is missing something can be repaired...not for sure but there can be a chance if both parties are willing to work at it - and in this case, both are.

    I'm also going to discuss the matter with my therapist to get another more objective opinion. Asking a friend who sort of has a thing for you probably isn't that productive... Also, she's even more opinionated than my Mom is. She said that she is going to let me live my life and I appreciate that. I know she'll always be here for me and loves me so I guess at times like these, you know who you can count on and who you can't.

    I haven't yet decided that things will definitely work but right now, I'm happy.


    EDIT: Oh, and for some reason, my friend thinks he's abusive. She told me that a year or more ago, she saw him call me a name. We all three play an online game together and she claims that he said something like "shut the fuck up bitch" but that can't be. If he had, I'd remember that and I would have ripped him a new one right then and there, not in private either. I don't know where she got that from but I definitely know she is mistaken. He's never yelled at me or called me a name, even when I had it coming.
     
    #11 luff, Jun 22, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2011
  12. CosmicEye

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    Goddammit Luff you hit it right on the head. I just met you today and already know your doing exactly the right thing. It sounds like you two know each other very well and should be together. I think its an issue you have to talk about. Ive been thru the exact same thing except I only thought about cheating. Communication is key!
     
  13. Lake57

    Lake57 New Member

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    Your doing the right things. Listen and do whats good for your self. Lit us know how it goes...
     
  14. Brokethemold

    Brokethemold New Member

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    U have no time for sex because of college and work, but have time for online gaming?

    Something doesn't sound right there.

    From my experience, online gaming and a good sex life don't always go well together.

    Not sure if thats an issue, just may be a possibility.
     
  15. luff

    luff New Member

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    I didn't say I don't have time for sex. I said I'm not horny. -_-

    Well, wasn't, past tense, depo wearing off. :lol
     
  16. lbushwalker

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    Luff,
    My previous comments were strictly concerning this thread but now seen your others and consider that the main issue(s) is/are internal with yourself.
    At least it seems you have made major progress and feeling better about and with self so for that good on you.
    Now time to go forwards, tred lightly and be kind to all, let go of negatives, forgive the past and be positive always.
    Well wishes,
    Bush
     
  17. CosmicEye

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    I hope its a PS3 > XBOX lol. maybe I can kick your ass on some Black Ops

    Let us know what happens with you.
     
  18. backcheck64

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    I'll put money on my son kicking your ass at Black Ops...he lives the game. He's gotten to the stage where he just fucks with people, holds them down and sets a granade, yes a suicide bomber lol.
     
  19. luff

    luff New Member

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    I play WoW but I have a PS3, too. I've never played Black Ops but I'd give it a go. Would you be able to handle a girl beating you though? :eek:

    :p

    Right now, I'm kind of looking for a no strings attached hookup. I've never done it before and I wouldn't be able to until I return to school but I'm excited. The ex doesn't mind and I think I need to break out of my shell a little.
     
  20. nurseharley

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    Meh I don't see what you're going to get out of that or how it'll help anything, but if that's what you wanna do.

    Also, if he's your ex then why would it matter if he was ok with it or not?
     
    #20 nurseharley, Jun 24, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2011