Speaking the unspeakable

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Barbwire, Jul 27, 2010.

  1. Barbwire

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    We hear it all the time, "Good communication is the key to great sex." but, as we all know, that's sometimes easier said than done.

    I consider myself to have a fairly healthy relationship with my husband due to the fact that I have no fear when it comes to talking about sex with him. I try my best to be very precise when I'm telling him what I like and don't like and I encourage him to be the same with me.

    There are times though, that I feel he isn't listening to me or perhaps I'm not making myself clear to him. This leads to frustration and confusion on both our parts. To help with that I will discuss things I've read online or show him videos of what I'm talking about or even show him with what I'm after by doing it to myself.

    I've come a long way from the days when I was a scared and nervous girl that was too intimidated about sex to really enjoy it but, I want to continue to grow sexually and hope to hear some helpful advice here.

    So folks, how do you talk about sex with your partner? Are there times when you don't feel you are getting through? How do you deal with it?
     
  2. Northside

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    I have found most women are a little bashful about expressing their desires and even "needs." You almost have to pry it out of them, and I still think most women still hold back. Women could learn a lot from you CL, hell I learn a lot from you through your posts.
     
  3. 28152male

    28152male New Member

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    I haven t been in a relationship for quite a while outside of the internet,as far as "how do you communicate with your partner",goes.However,I communicated with casual partners over the net ,just like you wrote this out,& have had cyber over the yrs..
    I took a 2 yr degree that was para professional in nature,/mental health social work,really.They spoke of making time together ,Quality time;dinner dates,when you sat down & discussed what needed discussing.
    I know personally,I come from a family that doesn t discuss some things ,& stifling communications was the norm when it came to touchy subjects,like a unwritten rule,& they were a family with 1/2 dozen schoolteachers in Dads family,Grandma on ma s side was schooled as a teacher too.
    My recommendation would be ,if you can t do it face to face,write it out,as a letter,or make a recording n tell him to read or listen to it when he can.He could reply the same way,if he can t/ to your face ,you could tell him.
    We had a therapy mode where you could use the "Empty Chair technique",talking to the person you can t talk to ,as if they were there,same with deceased people you had issues with,unresolved,& you can do this for a recording,if it s therapeutic to you.
    We used "peoplemaking "for a family therapy textbook,,by Virginia Satir,who authored Conjoint Family Therapy as well,among other books used in specialty classes.
    People in open marriages are out there on the frontier,as far as marriages go,next to the mainstream.Marriages get canned from the man messing round sexually,outside of the marriage,but 9 of top 10 reasons for divorce are from money issues,how its spent,not enough,unemployed,too much stress from it,not being mature about the budget,unrealistic expectations,moving to greener pastures,abuse from the stresses economically,as well as drug/alcohol abuse... incompatability might ve been the 10th of the top 10 reasons for divorce.40% of women are sexually disfunctional,frigid,can t get off with a man during regular intercourse,really.
    I know I ve thought of trying to find sex addicts on the internet in my area,so they might add me,if they had a crisis ,& needed to fit someone in ,in between,like a fix or the next drink,only applied to sex & relationships,I don t know how close that is to hi sex drive...knowing theres chapters of sex anonomous,based on the 12 steps of AA ,applied to sex.Where would I find such partners?Ive searched the internet,& not had much luck,maybe they turn pro & charge for sex...
    I figured I d keep some extra sex toys to help a date out ,to help with my low sex drive,the viagra isn t working so well for me,& realistically ,I know I have those types of problems.A man can get his rocks off from immediately ,to maybe the 10 to 15 minute it takes most women to get off,if they are healthy,& women can get some sex marital aids to help themselves all the time,its what some methodists teach.
    Ive health issues,like Ive said ,& Im getting older,I Also have a couple strap ons besides massagers ,did you know they were made for men to wear,to help their partner,when they had problems sexually,common for the majority of older men.Then theres the constricter ring & vacuum technique.Maybe you could suggest stuff like these things to your man.
    I like your moniker,Cowboy lover,cause thats what I did with my wife when I was married,was to have her "Go for the ride,Cowgirl ,or reverse missionary,as the habit,after foreplay,while the marriage was in effect.I could stay the 10 to 15 min like that ,as opposed to cumming immediately,going regular missionary.90% of sex problems are resolved thru this,great for back problems,P.E,& writing all this out may help others in this forum...Hope this may give you some ideas of what to say,& P M if you like.With positive regards,28152male/
     
    #3 28152male, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  4. Barbwire

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    Wow, 28152male, that was some post! I appreciate you taking the time to share all of that. I don't know how to say this without sounding self-promotional but, if you research me a little on these forums, especially the erotic lit one, you'll see I've explored some of the things you suggested.

    Oh, and btw, I would like to reread your reply so that I may further digest it but, truthfully, without proper paragraph breaks, it is a very tough read. Could ya please break up your posts so they don't look like a wall of words, hon?

    Thanks.

    :)


    --------------------------------------------------------------

    Thanks for the kind words, Northside. You always make me feel so special. One of these days you're going to have to ride your Harley east and let me let you hump my leg in person.

    *much evil giggling*
     
    #4 Barbwire, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  5. HardRocker

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    I saw something in 28's post that worked for me, and that is writing a letter. Back in the '90s I was very ill for about a half a year, a lot of which was in the hospital. My wife carried the brunt of my caretaking and had to deal with some very disgusting stuff. By the time it leveled off, she had seen in me blood, guts, fever hallucinations, learned medical procedures that were really gross and on and on.

    It was a long time after that before we weren't both emotional wrecks. Later when I began to recover my horniness, I don't think I was particularly sexually attractive to her. She probably still saw too much of the awful things that had happened to me physically to relax and fall back into a romantic place.

    I tried the usual petting and caressing in bed with no sexual response. I did ask her how she felt about sex and couldn't get her to open up. (Damn, now I'm outrunning a thunderstorm before I have to log off) To make it short, I wrote two pages of spilling my fears and needs regarding our relationship. I let her read it in private with plenty of time to digest it, and it broke the ice.

    Now it's lightening, so off I go. I'll finish later. Sorry about that.
     
  6. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    Because of lack of communication almost lead down a slippery slope to adultery and divorce, we worked on improving our communications, even going to professional counseling and taking classes on conflict resolution. A few things we have learn (it may not apply to everyone)

    - Being patient with each other. Actually our relationship started off life this and it was great, but as responsibilities and family grew we took our eye off the mark, started focusing our own individual needs first, and started growing impatient with dealing with each other. As we worked to put each other back as our priority, the patience came back, and with that better communications in many things, including sex.

    - Trying to understand what our responses to each other really meant. Someones what one hears is not what the other persons says. For example, if Bunnie wore a particular outfit and I said I did not like it, she was hearing "I do not like your body", while I was saying 'I do not like THAT outfit - but I love to see you in other things, or with nothing at all". Likewise, if Bunnie said she was tired, I would hear "I do not want to have sex", while she was really saying 'I'm tired and may not be able to move much, but I still want you to do sexual things to me - just because I'm not moving much does not mean I am not enjoying it".

    - Not getting hung up on the 5-10% of things one would like to try but the other does not, but instead taking the 90-95% of things we both enjoy and going all out for those. I have seen folks (particularly guys) complaining about their mates not wanting to do a specific thing, even if their mate was more than willing to do many other things. My Bunnie may not want to use sex toys, but she will let me take pictures/videos of her at the drop of the hat. So I do not care about the former - she wants to go all out on the latter (as well as many other things), and that is what matters to me. When we communicate sexual things, we understand and try to keep disagreements on that specific matter, and not escalate it as reflecting the state of our relationship - especially when we have so many other things to enjoy.

    Ultimately it takes two to tango for good communications, and I do not know of a good way around that fact. All we try to do is to communicate our wants and desires in a way that shows we are not trying to pass judgment on each other, and that we are willing to understand why the other might not think it is a great idea at the time, or want to try. I think, though, when that has happened to us, when we continue to love and respect the other, more often than not that initial "no way" or "it is too hard" response turns into a "why not" or "let me keep trying" response, with wonderful results.
     
  7. Barbwire

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    That hit home. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

    HardRocker, did ya get hit by lightning, man? Where ya at?
     
    #7 Barbwire, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  8. HardRocker

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    Our power went off at 7:10 and came back on sometime after 10. I woke up to the phone ringing and it was the power company calling to see if it had been restored. A transformer on the pole right behind our house exploded in a spectacular blue flash of arcs and sparks. We were luckier last night. Tens of thousands lost power during thunderstorms, but not us.

    Anyway, I'll just leave my story as it stands, but I can express more when I write than I can face to face. It was a slow recovery for both of us, but we made it.

    That is so true. It has taken me years to realize how different her interpretation is from what I say and do.
     
    #8 HardRocker, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  9. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Hi CL,

    Do you feel that you and your partner are sexually compatible?
     
  10. Barbwire

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    Nope, thus the need for the virtual lover.
     
  11. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    I've been thinking a bit about your situation where you want your man to take more of the things you say to him on board.

    Here's a site (Real Women Don't do Housework) that discusses that. It states somwhere that the best time to talk to a man is during sex (pre-climax).

    The site goes in to more detail.

    Here's the link: Real Women Don't Do Housework
     
  12. HardRocker

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    That looks like a good website. The story on the first page has some similarities to my own situation, the difference being that I was forced into early retirement due to health reasons, as opposed to being a poor manager of my resources. Now I'm a house husband that gets sex.:D
     
  13. Barbwire

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    Thanks for the link, will check it out when I have more time.