Speaking of abstinence...

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Barbwire, Mar 28, 2008.

  1. Barbwire

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    I just found these two really cool sites that might aid our teenaged Americans in their quest to remain pure for marriage.

    The first one is called. Sex is for Fags.com", and this is their pledge.



    I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
    1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.

    2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.

    3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.

    4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.

    5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.

    I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

    The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.

    Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.

    Catching a brain-rotting STD like "Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" any nasty dirty girlie holes.


    The second site is for girls and is called "Iron Hymen.com". This is their pledge


    I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
    1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)

    2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.

    3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.

    4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.

    5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.

    I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:

    Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.

    Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love."


    I hope the information I posted helps anyone that knows a horny teenager. God knows they need it. ;)
     
  2. Barbwire

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    Here are more words of wisdom from the sites.....:lol

    "Ten Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys and Their Privates" By Mrs. George W. Bush


    1. Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.

    2. Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."

    3. Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it!


    4.The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"

    5. While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.

    6. Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet.

    7. If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick.

    8. When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.

    9. Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.

    10.God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite.



     
  3. Bluesy

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    Oh my god :lol Those sites must be the brainchildren of whoever came up with LandoverBaptist.org. I can't wait to use the phrase "thirsty little albino penises" the next time someone mentions tampons :rofl
     
  4. Barbwire

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    That phrase just jumped out at me, too. I was going to use it as my new siggy.

    I like the phrase, "dude milk", too. :lol
     
  5. Dreama

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    Wow, lol. Yeah, those are definitely things like you'd see on landoverbaptist or the onion.
     
  6. Bluesy

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    DO EET! I dare you!

    Oh, yes, that one was a winner, too :tup I also love the uncircumsized male/half-opened lipstick tube analogy :lol
     
  7. Barbwire

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    This description of a penis totally works for me! :rofl

    "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."
     
  8. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    That description is just perfect.

    I remember the first time I saw and touched an erect cock. I was sitting on my boyfriends lap snogging when I decided to go a little further and fish it out of his trousers. And I just remember thinking "no fucking way" it was all veiney and gnarled looking, quite big and I was kind of repulsed and attracted:nerv at the same time.

    I had agreed that he could start masturbating while we snogged, but as soon as I saw it I had my doubts, so I'd sit at one end of the bed (knickers on and legs firmly together) leaving a big gap between us and lean over to snog and touch him. The first time he ended up shooting cum onto my shoulder and I just started to run around screaming with semen running down my arm:lol. so it was another week before I let him take it out again.
     
  9. UtherPendragon

    UtherPendragon New Member

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    Something else in a similar vein,

    INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City

    INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
    FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE

    To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

    At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

    On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

    It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

    Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

    Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

    By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

    Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

    Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

    Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

    When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

    If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

    If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.

    The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he's huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.

    As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

    One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression."
     
  10. bucky

    bucky New Member

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    With this definition of a wise wife I am proud to say mine is dumber than a box of rocks:D
     
  11. cook74

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    Oh my!!:eek I'm so glad I stayed abstinent till I got married.

    (Yet again a great fucking find CL, :tup:rofl)
     
  12. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I've got both of those sites linked on my blog. They're hilarious, especially the part about tampons being nothing but thirsty little albino penises. :lol
     
  13. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    You know its worth pointing out that the article that uther quoted was written in 1894. At the time childbirth was a killer for women. People throw around the phrase sex kills these days but a hundred years ago it really did kill a large percentage of women.

    I'm not neccessarily saying that this was the author's aim. But at a time of primitive or non existant birth controls, you could argue that strictly limiting your sex life, gave women a measure of control and was simply an act of self preservation.

    It seems funny when the author describes all the way a woman can put her husband off having sex, but one method she wasn't allowed to use was to say NO. Conjucal rights were enshrined in common law up untill relativly recently, and if a womans husband insisted on sex there was fuck all she could do. He could even use moderate 'chastisement' if he felt it was needed 'rule of thumb' anybody?

    Anywho sorry if I've sucked the fun out of the thread:ugh
     
  14. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    :uhh: I hope that isn't true!

    aaahahahaaa!

    Yikes! :lol
     
  15. Barbwire

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    Where do ya think I found 'em? ;)
     
  16. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Heehee...I might have known. :)
     
  17. loveit247

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    Ha ha ha ha! I love it!
    I too am dumber then a box of rocks, if you don't believe me, ask my upstairs neighbours! I sure got them back last night for their screaming baby!
     
  18. Sylver Kitten

    Sylver Kitten New Member

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    Those are brilliant

    The trichinosis worm part was awesome lmao

    Got any more?
     
  19. Barbwire

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    Hey! You can't just throw bait out like that and not tell us the whole story, missy!
     
  20. loveit247

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    LOL! Well, SO came over, we are not meant to be seeing each other, and you know how missing someone feeds the fire. We had really loud sex, bed sweaking, me getting really really loud. Only after did we realise that my upstairs neighbours heard it all.

    They were dead quiet once the noise started and then when it was over, they started moving about again! LOL!
    Serves them right, their baby screams all day from 5am till about 9pm!