...but you don't have to read this if you don't want to hear my bitching. So, before college I went to something called summer experience, a summer program where potential students come to the campus, stay a week and take a special class for credits and see what campus life is like. During my stay there I met my current ex-girlfriend. She is one of those girls that all the guys would love to hook up with but figure that they are way out of their league, that there would be no way they'd be lucky enough to be with her. I was no exception, if only a bit less optimistic due to my low self image. Nevertheless, I did my best to talk with her. We soon became chat buddies during the experience, talking about interests, trading drawings and sketches. I left for home with a huge crush on her that continued well through my actuall college career. From freshman all the way to Junior year we existed as friends, at some points barely that. In fact I barely remember spending any time during sophmore year. Anyways...Junior year came, and news started to spread that she broke up with her asshole boyfriend...or at least "was on a break." It was also that time that she had returned from studying abroad...which I now remember was the reason sophmore year was a bust. We started hanging out again, and started becoming closer as friends until a relationship started to blossom. We dated for a year and had our share of ups and downs. I won't go into detail but will explain it by saying that she has some issues with relationships and affection that she seems to be working on finally. She was...and still is amazing. It never ceases to amaze me that someone like her could be interested in me. Things ended on a sour note for us, and most of my last semester in school was spent in complete silence on my part. Finally...for god knows why, I started talking with her again. Surprisingly...talking to her took me out of a nasty rut I had found myself in. I felt...good for once. It's only been a few weeks now, but talking with her makes me feel so good inside...and I can tell she feels good as well. We spend alot of time talking about us...and both of us realize that we are so perfect together and that the only thing that stood between us were these damn issues of hers. One thing we also are realize...is that we both would like a second chance. I know I still have feelings for her...dare I say I still love her...it's hard considering our situation. I in the states, she in China finishing her schooling. Now she says she wants to finish school in China to get her masters, another 4 years. As much as I'm trying not to let this get to me it is. I know in my heart that given the chance we could be happy together...I know she is someone I could spend my life with under the right circumstances... I hate the idea of "fate" or "destiny," I don't belive in either. I beleive that people are responsible for their own decisons in life. The idea of fate takes away responsibility and even honor from the choices we make. A murderer was fated to kill so it's not his fault, and it was MLK jr's destiny to be the voice of civil rights so it cheapens the greatness of this man. My point being that I don't believe in fate, and so I hate people telling me that "if it's meant to happen it will." Dammit...I want things to work out...but there's nothing much I can do from here. Oh well...that's it I guess. I just wanted to vent her considering too many of my friends, including her, read my actual blog and noone really knows that I come here. No advice necessary, just needed to write it down.