Some thoughts about my girlfriend's sexual past

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by Johnny1975, Apr 20, 2015.

  1. Johnny1975

    Johnny1975 Member

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    My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past.

    She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

    Her first time was when she was 17
    When I asked her how many men she's had sex with she couldn't tell me but when I asked if it was over 20 (jokingly) she said oh yes, way more
    The first time she did anal was at the age of 18
    She has had a threesome on 3 separate occasions
    She has kissed girls in clubs many times
    She was a member of fetlife for a couple of years
    She mentioned something about doing porn

    Those are the highlights but she mentioned quite a lot of other occasions and people.

    This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

    I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it.

    I hate to think about it as 3 years is a long time, but I guess I probably will be finishing with her, at least that's how I'm feeling right now. But I just want to get people's opinions, for what it's worth.
     
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  2. HotForHoney

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    Is she the same person she was when you met her or for the last two years?

    If her history was going to be a deal breaker for you, why'd you wait 3 years to find out?
     
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  3. HotForHoney

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    You've been a member here for about 3 years, how is that different than her being in fetlife?
     
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  4. JDguy

    JDguy Member

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    Well to me sexual history isn't that important as long as they haven't cheated on me unless it's a threesome or something that's fine but the point is it really doesn't matter if you like her and really get along and three years is a long time so it can't be a weak relationship I'd stay with her but I'm not you so if you really are that unhappy then you should leave her save both of you hating one another
     
  5. Sweetlysad

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    Sounds like she not like she used to be now?
    People change and so do their values.
    Don't judge her on her past sexual history. Think about the women she is now and the person you have known over the last three year.
    She could have lied about it but didn't.
     
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  6. Cappy_Dick

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    She had a life before she knew you. If none of this has affected you in the last three years, it shouldn't now. It sounds like things were fine before this. If this was one of your guy friends saying this, you'd think he was Studly Doright. Get over it.

    xx
     
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  7. etaf

    etaf Member

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  8. Lou_x

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    love her for who she is and not what you perceive her to have been..
     
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  9. lbushwalker

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    I can sort of understand your insecurity but dude she has been with you for three years so you must be doing something right that others have not.
    Secondly she trusted you enough to tell you these things and now you are resenting her having done so.
    Just rejoice that she is with you and still not searching for whatever it was when she was looking for all along.
    If you dump her I guarantee it that you will regret that decision many times over.
     
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  10. Clintriprock

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    You have to get past your own shit. Believe me it's an easy trap to fall into. It happened to me with my wife. I had a huge problem with her past and I just turned the thoughts into erotic thoughts. Problem solved. Women are going to fuck. There's no 2 ways around it. Weather they fucked 1 guy or a hundred the thoughts are the same. If she fucked 1 guy you'd be dwelling on that. 100? Dwelling on that. Just be glad you have this hot little fuck toy at your disposal.
     
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  11. Doitagain

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    Can't worry that much about the past unless it really. .REALLY , affects the present. .....you live you learn
     
  12. Amature

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    At first my wife's past bothered me. Until I got to thinking about it. If I had not gotten married at 18, I would have at least TRIED to have more sexual partners. She only did what I wish I could have done. The thing that probably bothers me most is wondering how I compare, or measure up to, her previous partners.
     
  13. AGFUNK

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    This is a you problem, it has nothing to do with her. What if she resented you for your past? Past is past and you cannot change it. People change all the time.
     
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  14. 10_3XL

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    ^^What they all said.^^
    I can't think of anything new to contribute; just echo and emphasize that it's really NOT an issue unless you make it one.
     
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  15. Meee

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    Talk to her about pair bonding, as you put it. Don't mention her history, just talk with her about your hopes for your relationship together for the future, and what her hopes might be. You can worry about evidence, or you can know by talking with her directly. I would think that after three years, it's time for that kind of talk anyway.
     
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  16. cbrmale

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    The OP sounds insecure and controlling. Taking this from a male perspective, I had hundreds of partners before I got married, and that included some threesomes (both two women and one man and two men with one woman). But no porn. None of that changes my perspective on the sex I have with my wife, which is the closest and most loving I have ever experienced. I can't comment on the OP's GF but I don't compare anyone with anyone else sexually except to enhance the good things. For example in looks, my wife has the best legs of any woman I have ever seen naked. Other women obviously had their attributes, but I'm still turned on by my wife's legs and arse. To some extent or to a major extent, being sexually adventurous and promiscuous makes you appreciate the best parts of what you have in the present. The things that are good in the present when you've had a lot of partners in the past are really, really good.

    Like the GF in the posting I knew my wife would be concerned if she knew the full details of my past, so I fed her small amounts of information over a period of time. For example the two man one woman threesomes were discussed quite recently, and she found that fascinating. Unlike the OP she knew that I was with her when I told her, and I wasn't with the anonymous partners of my past. To some extent to not tell all something of a deception, but we who have done these things know that the reactions from telling all can be unpredictable. So basically we chicken out until we feel the time is right.

    I am not ashamed of anything I have done sexually. Everything was consensual, legal, mutually pleasurable and good fun at the time. If I had my time over I would do the same again. I have had heart-to-heart conversations with women who were similarly promiscuous in their younger years, and universally they agreed that if they had their time over they would do it again. They and me reached a point where we wanted just one special person, and that's when the promiscuity comes to an end.
     
  17. Wizard1002

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    I think you can see there is a thread in all the responses, and that it's more an issue with you and not what she has done previously. As long as she has not carried on with any of these activities in the past three years without telling you, then I don't believe there is a problem.

    She has been with you for this time so don't risk it (unless you can't cope with it) by challenging her past. Good luck with whatever road you chose to take :)
     
  18. billytk1977

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    Man really? My wife was 32 when we wed. She has been with multiple partners, one of them ( and i did find tbis disgusting) was the same age as her dad. That whole mommy daddy complex disgust me. But it is past. It does not turn me on to hear of ber past lovers, nor does it turn her on to hear of my past "lovers" it happened and that is not who we are now. Sure i could be a douche and kick her to the curb for what i find disgusting, but i.was a slut wwheni was younger. I never even knew most of their names. Most disgusting thing i did was at 19 when this crack whore wanted a rock and sucked me off for it. I got her two as she removed her teeth.

    We all have a past. Ask yourself this, if you did not know would you still want her out? If not stop being a jerk.
     
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  19. minskminx

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    OH!!!!!! This post makes me SO MAD!

    Do you think women should not be sexual before they met you? Why should women not experiment and enjoy themselves sexually? In case they met an insecure and sexist man in the future!?

    The "inability to bond" here is all yours since it's you that is saying you are finishing with her so don't try and blame your girlfriend for your failings and silly hang ups.

    Please grow up and be a man! That you are even thinking or writing these things says to me that your girlfriend deserves some one better with a lot more respect for her than you do.
     
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  20. eastrock14

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    Hear, hear. me thinks it's his pride talking, not his brain.
     
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