Some advice please

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by ilovesomepussy, May 22, 2009.

  1. ilovesomepussy

    ilovesomepussy New Member

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    So here is the situation: I have been dating this girl for three years and I do love her and want to marry her. However, recently we have been talking about sex. We brought up the number of people she has been with and it's quite a few. A lot were just one-night stands or fuck buddies. Well, my problem now is I am second-guessing this relationship. Most of the men she met online and I kind of feel she is a slut now. I do believe you cannot judge someone by their past, but now I'm just second-guessing if this is someone I want to be with forever because I look at them differently. Any advice on how I can get through this?
     
    #1 ilovesomepussy, May 22, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2009
  2. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Has she been faithful to you these last three years? If yes, then I really don't see what the problem is.
     
  3. Logger

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    You need to ask her to stop talking about the past, and you need to stop asking about the past.

    One of my stupid mistakes was answering a question about my past sex relations to a woman was really neat.

    My answer should have been, "The past is out of my mind, and I am focusing on you. I want to know what you feel, desire or want, now, and tomorrow."

    It is nice that your woman is willing to talk to you about her past, but ask her to put that aside, and not discuss her past any more. Just pretend it never happened, and agree to never discuss it again, with anyone.

    If your woman needs some tips on avoiding flirting, there are approaches to this issue. it seems she is interested in a continuing relationship with you, so let her know how she can make you feel more comfortable that she is giving you a feeling of monogamy. I ask my wife for communications so I can have a feeling of trust in her.

    Are there any ways in which your woman could give you a highteneed feeling of trust in her? Have trust in automatic monogamy generated by your saving all your seeds for yhour woman. Do you part of the spiritual attraction. Generate trust.





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  4. Northside

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    Well many years ago an old man told me. "Everybody is looking for a nice girl who doesn't fuck. When you marry her that's what you've got, a nice girl who doesn't fuck." Brutal, ain't it?
     
  5. Drakonnen

    Drakonnen Member

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    How many is "quite a few" and how many of those were just hook ups and how many of those did she sleep with?

    I mean, honestly, I don't think its fair to judge her for having fun before she met you. Look at it this way: You love her, and she got to enjoy herself, she likes sex, and probably knows exactly what she wants sexually, and because of that experience, she is able to stay faithful to you for the past 3 years so you don't have to worry about her freaking out and second guessing herself later or wondering if maybe she didn't realize what she was giving up.

    Also, I don't believe in not talking about it or trying to hide the past. Then you'll always wonder "Maybe there is more she isn't telling me," or "How 'bad' was it really?" Learn to have fun with it. She's with you know. Enjoy the fact that she is sexual rather than some prude. Trust me, I used to be a very jealous person, but learned actually really enjoy my girl's stories of her with other guys.

    Try and learn to like it, and don't be an insecure pussy about it (sorry for the harshness) because you do have to remember she is with you for 3 years for a reason.
     
  6. Logger

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    Maybe my suggestion of not ever talking about the past would be better phrased as to set up some limits of when past sexual encounters are discussed. Never may be too strong a concept. But if you are planning to have children, and if your woman will be attending your extended family get-togethers, your woman's internet flings don't have to be a subject of frequent conversation, Maybe discussing the past in absolute privacy may be a reasonable limit. I think discussing pre-marital sex, with other partners, in general conversation, is not constructive in maintainng respect for the relationship you are deepening during the now today, and into the future.


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  7. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    This is actually a much more common problem than you realize. We've had many men come here and post similar threads. For some reason, they find it hard to deal with the idea that their wives or girlfriends were sexually active before they met. Such behavior is not only considered normal for a man, but strongly encouraged. When a woman does it however, she's a slut. People just assume that a woman behaving "like a slut" is wrong without really pausing to fully consider what exactly is wrong with it.

    I have two questions: Were you sexually active before you met your girlfriend? If yes, does your girlfriend have a problem with it?

    Also, still haven't answered the question of whether your girlfriend has been faithful for the three years you've been together.
     
  8. Logger

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    Fidelity needs to be managed. Some men give pretty women the eye, in front of the woman they are asking to be true. Some ment let themselves be seen flirting, by firends of the woman they are asking to be true.

    What have you done to be sure you are Walking the Walk of fidelity? Have you had periods where you were unavailable during the three years? Broken Up?

    The question may be, what are your expections for your woman in the future, and what are you able or willing to change from your past life as a single man? To give your woman a feeling that you value her fidelity to you? What more could you do now, rather than asking her about her past?
     
  9. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Logger, are you saying that "being true" means that there should be no flirting whatsoever by either partner?
     
  10. Logger

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    There are degrees of flirting. I try to encourage my wife to be faithful through my own example of avoiding flirting with other women. I avoid oggling atractive women, or other women, generally.

    The thread starter, I Love Some Pussy, has not really explained how he has been providing leadership in the fidelity department. Some men expect to be able to play the field but expect their wife, or steady woman, to be faithful.

    I have found that talking about any faults about my wife with another woman, sets up flirting, so I avoid discussing any faults of my wife with other women.

    I am not trying to set up rules for other people. I just keep myself on a tight leash. Other strategies may work for other people.



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  11. ilovesomepussy

    ilovesomepussy New Member

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    yes she has been faithful. that is not an issue i have no trust problems with her. i guess its more the issue that i have not been with near as many people as she has. i guess its just the fact that i look at it as when you want to spend forever with someone and that person has been around i feel its just not as special. i guess its like sharing your wife. i think what bothers me the most is the fact that most of the men where just fucks and that kind of makes me sick.
     
  12. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Well, if she's been faithful and you trust her completely, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. There's no point in dwelling on the past because nothing can be done to change it. Try to focus on the present and future! :)
     
  13. HardRocker

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    Your insecurities are working against you way worse than anything she has done. So she tried different things and then decided she needed you instead, stayed for 3 years, and now you are feeling sick about her past! People's past experiences are what make them the person you know now. I hope you're not making her feel like shit over it, because she's done nothing to deserve it by honestly answering your curiosities.

    If you drive her off, you had better write out a questionnaire to give to any new prospective mates instead of waiting 3 years and falling in love first.
     
  14. indagroove

    indagroove New Member

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    I think a majority of men cannot bare the fact that their girlfriend or wife actually had a life before them.

    Personally I like my woman a little on the trashy side. A girl who knows what she wants can bring many years of freakout fun :)
     
  15. footelong

    footelong New Member

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    I know it may be hard to do, but the past should stay there. If she has been true to you, then that should be enough for you to trust her. Good luck!
     
  16. joydean

    joydean New Member

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    Reading back through this thread it brings me to something i've always wondered. Why is it men usually want to 'date' women with some experience, but when it comes to marriage its a different story.
    Whats the difference if she met them through the internet, or a local bar, or even through other friends? If she was with 50 different men , your saying it makes a difference WHERE she met them? That just dont seem to be relivent .
    How many people wish that their partners would be totally truthful about their past sex lives, but when or if they are then it trashes the relationship because one of them cant deal with what their being told?
    I agree with what others have said, you cant change the past . Either you still love her or you dont. Maybe if you do break this one off and you fall in love with someone else, you should not ask them about their past !! At any rate hope it works out for you.
     
  17. confused_lad

    confused_lad New Member

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    I think the Old man was right
     
  18. bcuzbcuz

    bcuzbcuz New Member

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    If her past matters to you, then move on. If you don't have a past, then I feel sorry for you.

    Counting how many or even who is useless information. If she wants to be with you and you want to be with her, consider yourself lucky. If it's a numbers game for you, get yourself a Playstation and keep score.

    All relationships end and you'll just be another number on her list, and she'll be just one more on your list. Go on-line and specify that you're looking for someone who has the same score as you do...then try to figure out if she was telling the truth. Knock yourself out.
     
  19. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    honestly, the chances of you two being together forever are pretty slim.

    personally, i would rather have someone who is a slut in bed, that way you are always guaranteed a good time. inexperienced women usually suck in bed, and i don't mean give head.
     
    #19 dwj21, Jun 3, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2009
  20. Vanja

    Vanja New Member

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    That is the whole truth Northside :D

    Anyway.... posts like this tend to really rub me the wrong way. This demand for your girlfriend's "purity" (it IS the year 2009 now right?) is not only sexist and extremely disrespectful it's also dumb and immature :ugh

    My husband knew about my past from the get-go (and yes, I've been around the block more than once and more times than him too). He respects and loves ME, the person I am NOW. And part of the person I am is my sexual past. The bottom line is that he doesn't love me despite my past - he loves the whole package "me", all good and bad things, all the little flaws etc. And the same goes for me towards him.

    This really has nothing to do with her but everything to do with you and your issues that your own mind has created. So instead of putting this on her I suggest that you do some soul-searching and find out what the real issue is.