Some advice please

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Dreama, Nov 7, 2008.

  1. Dreama

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    So first of all, I'd like to say that hubby and I have a great marriage, and I love being married to him. However, going grocery shopping with hubby almost makes me want to jump off of a bridge, figuratively. First of all, I pick something up-and immediately he informs me of why this isn't good to get, what else we should get instead of that, or what else would be a better deal. Sometimes I have practical reasons for the reasons why I pick the things that I do, and sometimes, I'd just like to be able to pick something up without someone telling me why I should get something else instead. If he picks something up, I never question it-it's what he wants-his business. We're not hurting for money or anything, and as long as he's not throwing money away, I can't complain. But, hubby doesn't see it the same way with me. This is a really silly, relatively harmless problem. But seriously, I hate going shopping with him sometimes because I know it's going to be tough listening to every remark about everything I even look at.

    Now, I know the best thing to do is to communicate, forgive, etc. I have talked to him about this, but when I do, its like he doesn't even realize that his comments can come across as condescending, or critical. And when I express how I feel about it, he doesn't think his actions were wrong-in his mind, he feels like he's trying to help. I realize that on his end, it may look like I am finding fault constantly with his 'help', and that saddens me. Usually, I just let it go, and we both forget about these things two seconds after we leave the store. But going shopping with him has become a source of tension and dread, and I don't ever want to dread doing something with my husband. Does anyone have any suggestions for how we could come to a compromise? On one hand, I want to take responsibility for the way that I feel-I know its my choice to react the way I do, but that isn't going to stop the problem, or make it any less irritating next time. Any advice? Thanks guys!
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Dreama...these sorts of things happen with every couple. The only thing I can suggest is this: if you don't want to go shopping with hubby, then don't. When you discover situations that consistently create conflict, then don't put yourselves in those situations. It's that simple.

    HTH,
    BD
     
  3. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Dreama, if I were you Id put the shoe on the other foot....you say youve talked already to him and you still get the same results when shopping, cuz he doesnt think hes doing any harm............well, then Id just do the same to him, not in a mean way of course,but just to let him see how irritating it can be to be "coached" all the time! Perhaps he will start to see in the mirror a bit when the table is turned around!

    Of course the best nonconfrontational way would be for you to just go shopping by yourself....but try the above if the 2 of you go....
     
  4. Dreama

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    Well guys, I know that not going shopping with him would be the best way to stop the situation, but we both basically need to go-we don't drive, and we ride our bikes to the store. We both have to carry the stuff in our backpacks, or else we can't get what we need for the week...Or, I know we could go multiple times, but cold weather is nearing, and we'd like to have to go as little as possible, because it can get really cold. Plus, it isn't that I don't want to go shopping with him-I do. Even if both of us didn't need to go, I'd like to be able to go to the store with my husband and have fun-it seems like leaving the situation dormant wouldn't do us any good, because it would always be there. It would be great if there was some way we could solve the problem other than eliminating the situation, since most of the time it isn't possible anyway. Good advice though, guys.
     
  5. Trixi

    Trixi New Member

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    That's exactly what I did with my husband. He used to do something similar. Then I started to say "You don't need that" whenever he looked at ANYTHING. It has now become a joke between us. We still do it and now laugh about it.

    My man does not begrudge me anything. If he stops in the store by himself he will pick me up a half pint of $4 blueberries because he knows I love them (I won't even get them myself when they're that expensive). I think men, when they love you, ARE trying to be helpful when they do stuff like "suggesting" something better. Turn the tables on him with good will and make a joke of it.

    P.S. We have handled many things the same way. We try to turn irritations into "inside jokes."
     
    #5 Trixi, Nov 8, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2008
  6. Dreama

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    Actually, I think that is a good idea-and he doesn't want me to be deprived, that's for sure. He gets me things I wouldn't get myself, and I truly believe that he's just trying to help. Maybe I'll try turning the tables, in a non-aggressive way. I like this idea-thanks Trixi, and eandvk.
     
  7. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Glad I could be of help......hope it works....let us know how things turn out...
     
  8. FlirtyChick

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    OK, Dreama. I am going to put a little more into this! First, Welcome to MARRIAGE! This is common for most couples. Remember, men like to fix and help, and we just need to do our thing and have them listen or nod. This is not so much about groceries, but it applies.

    I am sure you make a list of things you need before you go. Divide it. Have him cover 1/2 of the list, and you give him the part with the stuff you don't care about. Send him off to do it. Meanwhile, you get the things you need/want, and finish the other part of the list. Meet in the middle at the checkout, and when he tells you you don't need this or that, or why it is not good, etc., just tell him, "Nope, but I really need you, and that is all that matters. Baby, let me have my little bit of stuff here, and while you are at it, help me get it on the counter so we can check out and go home."

    Keep it tongue in cheek. Even the most loving couples have issues with the other spouse that make them want to run screaming from the building at times, it is the nature of the sexes. You are mature, and I know you talk things out, and that you and hubby communicate well. Bottom line is, some behavior never changes, and you have to control whether it makes you bonkers or if you just accept it as a weirdism that you just have to deal with out of love. It may seem like not much now, but more of these things will crop up the longer you are married, and once you finish school, and take on more responsibilities, maybe kids, it will be important to have the skills to talk about and snuff out little uncomfortable issues such as this one so that everything does not become a point of contention.

    I love you as much as life, girl!
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Yeah, if you can make that work, definitely do it! There's nothing better than taking a light-hearted view of things you don't particularly like. If you can handle the tension by just jibbing each other a little and laughing it off, that is most excellent.

    Can you think of a cartoon character that your hubby reminds you of when he does this? If so, laugh and call him that when he does the "coaching". Just make sure it's done in a playful and non-hurtful way. Ugly name-calling is one of my biggest hot buttons, but being called some cute name when I do something silly is quite endearing to me...for instance, for my wife will occasionally call me "dingleberry" if I'm just not "getting" something she just told me, and it makes me laugh as I think "yeah, I am". (Just in case you don't know, dingleberries are the feces hairballs found on the rear end of many furry animals...i see it as a cute, playful, and unoffensive way of being called a "shit head")

    BD
     
    #9 BassDude, Nov 8, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2008
  10. Dreama

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    Great advice, guys. I actually never thought of splitting the duties, which would eliminate the problem, and keeping things lighthearted is a great thing to do-I can see the wisdom in this. Of course, I know that this is marriage, and we've had our little tiffs here and there-and that there will be more things like this in the future, and harder things than this in the future. I'm glad that I'm only asking advice in this situation, and not something much bigger and more serious. I love you guys for giving me advice, and reminding me that it happens with everyone from time to time. :D
     
  11. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    That's so cute!

    This is simple; You do what your man damn well tells you and that's that!












    OK, assuming that doesn't cut it, tell him that the next time he questions something you pick up at the store you're going to make a HUGE scene, right then and there and ask him out loud, really loud, why you can't have the goddamn fucking Oreos, that Oreos make you happy, that happy people are horny people and sad people aren't and does he want you happy and horny or sad and no horny. Really loud. Just make a scene. Then, when he gets the message and is thoroughly embarrassed, bust out laughing and open the Oreos and start eating them.

    Why not have fun with other people's issues says I.
     
  12. Dreama

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    LOL, LP. That is a funny one-unfortunately, he'd probably be less embarrassed than you'd think. He'd just walk away and return later, acting like nothing had happened. Lol
     
  13. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Well, obviously, you know him. Hit him where it will get the point accross. Maybe next time he says "You don't need that" just start pouting and follow him around "Daddy, daddy, why can't I have it??? Daddy!!!! I want it!!! Please, daddy, please, please, please..."

    Whatever works. Point being, don't get mad, don't take it personal. It's just a quirk he has that he has to comment on everything you buy. You don't wanna hear it. You're a big girl, and you don't want it to be a big deal, so, tease the shit out of him.

    :D
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    :eyes.... ahhhh - young love! Don't ya' just love it?

    It's been said that the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest in that those years serve to introduce you to "the real person" you've married. You will learn secret quirks and odd behaviors about each other, and working to move past this stage is the foundation for your life together.

    After 31+ years of marriage, may I just share this teeny-tiny piece of advice? Learn to pick and choose your battles. Some things can be brushed off. Others are an important part of your inner make-up as a person. As someone said earlier, many things can be laughable if you don't hold too tight to your individualism. And quite frankly, individualism needs to gradually fade, as the two of you become more and more as one unit. That's not to say that you lose your identity. You simply learn to blend more graciously as time goes on. Grocery store confrontations will pale in comparison to some of the more pertinent issues you both will face.

    So, again, I suggest you pick & choose the battles that are important, and let the others roll off your back. It makes for a much happier life - especially if you're in this for the long run! ;)
     
  15. Dreama

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    I certainly see the wisdom in that, Rose. I do know that new marriages are the adjusting period, and that not making an issue of every single thing is a good practice. I do try to practice this, and it does make for a much happier existence than arguing about every single thing.
     
  16. HardRocker

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    Rip the shopping list in half, hand one piece to him and say, "We'll meet at the register, see ya."
     
  17. FlirtyChick

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    We match! That's what I said! :)
     
  18. Trixi

    Trixi New Member

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    Good plan for some people, but I couldn't have brought that off. I tried that a couple of times but DH wants to be with me when we shop. The big thing with him is that when he gets everything he wants, he loses patience with shopping and is ready to check out and go home. At this point I always have the frozen food isle still to do. :) Sometimes I tell him "why don't you go wait in the car," but he never does. I guess we've learned to live with and deal with each other as we've been married 40 years, 10 months, and 10 days today. I have quirks that he is being patient with too.
     
  19. HardRocker

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    Oops, so you did. I must have skimmed that part.
    I guess the boy just ain't fully domesticated yet, Dreama. :eyes
     
  20. Dreama

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    Well, we're both not domesticated I guess-It's just something we'll have to work on. We're both just silly college kids, so we still have to grow up just a little...