I am not sure how to begin this to where to start: I am 41 year old male. I am married ( second time no children from either) my second marriage is not going well and I haven't had sex since October of 07. Hell. I haven't even had a blow job for 8 years. I haven't cheated on my wife and she has some deep emotional issues and wounds that she just either can't or won't deal with. My wife won't touch me,she won't even look at me,her body goes very tense, when I touch her-even in a non sexual way. When we do have sex she buries her face in the pillow I have to do all the work and I can get hard but I lose it because I can't feel anything from her.She gets wet but its like she's elsewhere. I am now so unsure of myself, that trying to initiate any sexual contact has got me so upset inside because I don't know whether she is going to reject me or not, and I get tired of always being told no. I have tried to talk about what's going on with me but this just causes her to shut down or get upset, no matter how gentle I am in broaching the subject, and she was seeing a professional but stopped and won't go back. I feel confused and frustrated. I have basically given up hope of ever having any children (we're both 41). I'm also confused by her because I have also caught her on 2 occasions having phone sex. Also one time she asked me to go and visit with her oldest friend who happened to be in New York at the time, and, while there I phoned her to say good night and she asked me why do I love her-when she came back she refused to let me see her naked for 3 days even though she would be quite happy to be around the house with no clothes on. When I went to the bedroom on the third day of her being back home she had a bruise on her right breast that wasn't there before she left even though she swore it was. My wife swears up and down that she isn't cheating but sometimes I don't feel so sure. My wife has had some seriously difficult and abusive relationships with previous boyfriends and will often talk about them out of nowhere and for no reason that is apparent to me. We've been together for 8 years and married for 6 years next February. My wife has had huge emotional difficulties caused by men in her life but she won't talk to anyone professionally. I've never experienced this before and I don't know how or what to do. I can't stop thinking about sex and masturbate a lot. In lieu of our situation my wife doesn't mind if I look at pornography online but this is not really easing my situation. However, I found that regular pornography isn't helping and I've been looking a lot at Transsexual websites. I used to a long time ago when I was single and when our relationship really started getting difficult I found myself looking at them more and more. The strange thing when I think of my wife when I masturbate I tend to cum form my left testicle only and when I look at transsexuals I tend to cum from my right only. Is this normal? Am I gay? And any advice on how to help with my wife I would really appreciate.