So This Other Guy Digs My G/F...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Fliteskates, Oct 27, 2008.

  1. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I think I need some advice on a situation I am dealing with... I'll try to add as many details as I can...

    I am not a jealous guy, so this isn't a post about worrying about losing my g/f to this guy, but worrying about what he might do to her without her approval.

    My g/f works with this guy who has a massive crush or infatuation with her. He helps her at work at various times and they have been friends for awhile, etc.

    A month or so ago he helped her with this big project and it was close to his birthday so my g/f offered to take him out for drinks. She asked me if it was ok and I told her she didn't need my permission etc.

    So when they went out he reveals that he really liked her and knew he couldn't be with her etc because we were engaged... but if things didnt work out he would like a chance with her.

    So she told me and I laughed and seriously wasn't upset and just called him a "cock blocker" and said I respected him for trying to make his move, etc - which I did, I didn't lie to her.

    A lot of her friends at work had suspected he liked her, and when I went to her work the one day and he saw me, he got really nervous. So I knew something was up, so his revelation didn't come as a big surprise to me.

    She really likes this guy as a friend and felt pretty bad about the whole situation and wasn't sure what she should do. So I told her that she didn't have to do anything. That there is no reason she couldn't still be friends with this guy - that it was really on him to put his feelings for her aside and just be her friend.

    Then it got a little interesting...

    My g/f loves Hummers (the vehicle sickies) and last week this guy goes out and buys... yeah a Hummer. I asked her if she told him about how much she loved them and she said "oh yeah everyone at work knows how much I love Hummers and want to get one"

    So I'm thinking this isn't exactly a coincidence, especially since he asked her if she wanted to take a ride in it.

    Again she asked me if it was ok to go for a ride with him and I was cool with it.. during their ride he asked if it was ok if they are friends, that he is afraid I will kill him ,etc. Now keep in mind I never once talked to this guy beyond a hello and never threatened him to his face or through my g/f... he obviously just feels guilty I suppose.

    My g/f said the truth, that I'm not a jealous guy and never tell her what to do, and that yes, they can be friends. She then said "he would only hurt you if you touched me in a sexual way..."

    So now here is the problem... I am back in my hometown for a month or so... and this guy knows I am, because she told him. She is very trusting and doesn't think he will ever try anything with her... she told him I was gone because he said maybe next time she could drive the Hummer. But he said he didn't want to take her time away from me or whatever.. and she said that I would be gone for a month or so, so she would have a lot of free time.

    I'm a little upset at her for revealing that I'm gone... I trust my g/f with my life, but I don't feel comfortable with this guy knowing I'm gone and possibly trying something.

    I'm not a violent guy and have always gone out of my way to make sure ppl. aren't intimidated by me... but I want this guy to be afraid of me, to fear my presence and to know I'm around.

    Am I wrong for feeling this way? I just am now a little freaked he bought a Hummer and the questions he is starting to ask her... I don't feel badly for not trusting this guy... but I do feel badly for wanting him to be afraid of me...

    From what she says he sounds like a good guy and she tried to set him up with her friend, but he "wasn't in to her". I just am on the border of wanting to protect my g/f, but knowing I can't try and control what she does.

    What does everyone think about this situation... especially guys.. how would you feel?
     
  2. igor

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    My own feeling is that if you two are engaged, then it should definetly be hands off for him. She should not encourage him or spend non-working time with him at all.
     
  3. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I just got an email from her that she is going to drive the Hummer today and how excited she is... not much I can really do... just told her to be careful.
     
  4. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    I don't think she sees what she's doing wrong, and yes she is wrong.
    She's ignoring how you feel, basically using another guy because he's pampering her and that's going to backfire on her in some kind of way. You need to get with her and show her all the things that are bothering you, put it in her perspective too she can understand if you did that with a female coworker at work how it might make her feel. Some people dont understand until they're in the same position.

    This guy hopefully knows she's engaged and he sounds like he's got that stalked tendency to him because he's still pursuing her. It's just a really weird situation. -_-

    I hope for the best for both of you
     
  5. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    There are obligations in a committed relationship. One of them is respect; you don't put yourself in situations that are or may be embarrassing or disloyal to the other person. We all know what that means.

    It's all part of that for better, for worse, sickness and health, forsaking all others etc and so on and so forth.

    She's breaking the code and you know it and so does she. And so does he, but this isn't his problem. He's not in a committed relationship with you.

    What happens from here is up to you and her. Some people don't concern themselves with this and have 'open' relationships. To others, this is a serious breach. As long as it's understood and accepted by both parties, whatever you two agree on as the rules and guidelines, the letter and spirit and intent, that's your business.

    Better get this straightened out now as to what 'commitment' means to both of you.
     
  6. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I think everyone may of missed my point at the beg. of my post. I don't want anyone to blame my g/f and say she is wrong, because she has done nothing wrong and has been honest and upfront with me about everything.

    She came to me and did ask if she should not be friends with him anymore.. and I encouraged her to stay friends with him. But this was before the whole Hummer thing.. and now he is telling her she can drive it and shit...

    So now I am sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place and am not sure what exactly I should do next or if I am just blowing it out of proportion.

    I am honestly not upset about her being friends with this guy. I'm not worried he will steal her away from me. I'm being 100% honest about this.

    My concern is that this guy is starting to get a little too infatuated now. The whole Hummer thing is pretty weird... I feel like he bought it just because he knew it would be a tool to attract her. He was thinking of buying a new truck for a few months, he didn't just run out and buy one when he found out she liked one... but I just feel it played a HUGE part in his decision... enough to have me thinking "wtf dude".

    I don't feel it is my g/f fault for being attractive and appealing to this guy... she has never lead him on and has made it quite clear they are just friends and she is very committed to me.

    I'm just worried he may try something at some point because I just know he bought that Hummer because of her...

    I mean, am I out there for thinking this dude kind of planned this when he was making his decision to buy his new vehicle?
     
  7. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    OK, well, she is in the wrong. SHE is putting YOU in the uncomfortable position. What HE does has nothing to do with you. HE is not in a relationship with you. So, you're tying to focus on what he did, buy a car to attract your woman. That has nothing in the universe to do with you and, unless I'm missing something here, you're trying to project your concerns onto him because 'she is open and honest and 100% committed to you'.

    If she is, you've got nothing to worry about. Yet, you are worried and you're trying to convince yourself that he is doing something untoward or out of line because you don't wanna recognize that she's the one out of line.

    Sounds like you're in denial to me.
     
  8. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I'm not in denial bro... I just had two friends that were raped by "friends". I know how most guys think and sometimes they can't accept being in the friend zone. Which is exactly what happened to two of my friends.. and my buddy also was close to a girl who was raped and thrown off a bridge by a "friend" who decided if he couldn't have her no one else could.

    Again, I'm not worried about her willingly sleeping with him or anything of that nature. I'm afraid that he may try something at some point.

    I encouraged my g/f to stay friends with him, so I am not sure how she is "out of line". If I voiced my concerns and she still saw him, then yeah she is in the wrong.. but I didn't.

    What I'm trying to decide is if what he did and is now doing something I shouldn't worry about... or if I should tell my g/f he is starting to get out of line... eventhough I said she should stay friends.
     
  9. Joe

    Joe
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    As for the Hummer, my guess is that he took a close look at it because she liked them and discovered he liked them too. If he bought it only because she liked Hummers, he's got a serious problem.

    That said, her being a close friend to the guy, especially when you're gone for a month, can become a dangerous situation. It reminds me of an old girl "friend" of mine. We worked together and became very good friends. She was in a long-term relationship with another guy and I was at the tail end of a bad marriage, working 400 miles from home. When her guy left town for a couple weeks to visit his family, we became closer friends and spent most of our spare time together. She loved Saabs, and I happened to have a Turbo Saab at the time. It was a stick shift and she had never driven a stick, so I taught her how to drive it. Between work and play, we were probably spending 18 hours a day together. We had become best friends.

    The short of it is, before he returned we had fallen in love, she had invited me to stay the night with her (I declined since I was still married), and we had talked briefly about a long-term relationship. It all ended when she discovered she was pregnant with his child, but it shows you how friendships can expand into something more, even when neither person plans it that way. Our emotions can take over and lead us down paths we shouldn't be traveling.
     
  10. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Ya I think this is the root of my concern... did he buy it cause he kept hearing she liked it and thought maybe it would be cool to have one... or because he knew she loved them and it was an easy way to get her to spend time with him.

    The problem is I'll never know his motivation for buying it...

    Ya I hear what you are saying and if it came to that, I would step away. In the end I want her to be happy.

    But she has other guy friends she hangs out with way more than him and I don't care about them and feel she is safe around them... she is used to having guy friends and separating her feelings between friends and "more than friends".

    I'm starting to suspect this guy isn't capable of that...

    It isn't like he was the first guy to like my g/f. I have had guys hitting on her right in front of me before I had to politely let them know she was with me. But now that he bought this Hummer and is driving her around in it and is asking her to drive it... it makes me wonder exactly what he is thinking...

    I think maybe I'll just ask my g/f to be careful when she is alone with him.. and if he starts to try and spend too much time with her, then it is probably time for me to have a talk with my g/f.
     
  11. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    You encouraged her to stay friends with someone you are now afraid is going to rape her and throw her off a bridge. Is she a moron? Does she have any common sense? Do she have a 'creep' detector?

    I think I could explain to you all day long how she is out of line and you're not gonna get it. However, if you have legitimate fears about this guy and not some made up swirling insecurities, perhaps you should act to protect her? One good step would be to quit encouraging her to stay friends with and hang out with people in inappropriate relationships.
     
  12. rugbylad82

    rugbylad82 New Member

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    i agree with mr jammin on this one, for whatever reason you deem necessary i think you need to tell her to stop spending time with this guys. a) for her own safety and b) beacuse to me its encouraging someone to flirt with her in my view this is not right in a closed relationship.
     
  13. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Well unlike you, she listens to what was said to her.

    I have gone well out of my way to explain what happened, and then tried several times to explain to you why I am concerned.

    I'll break it down one more time and maybe you may finally understand it...

    - She has other guy friends

    - I'm used to her having other guy friends and other guys liking her

    - She worked with this guy for 2 yrs before she found out he liked her and valued their friendship

    - I encouraged her to stay friends with him because I knew she really enjoyed being friends with him. But this wasBEFORE he bought a Hummer when he found out she loves them; he had planned to buy a Ford truck before he found this out.

    - I was fine with her taking a ride in it

    - Now he is saying she can drive it "different times" if they go out for drinks or whatever it may be

    There is a huge difference between being insecure and ignoring the fact that this guy is having trouble staying in the friend zone. believe it or not, there are "Nice guys" who do hurt women when they are told no...

    I assumed when this whole situation arose he would be fine just being her friend like before, like the other guys she knows. Now I'm getting concerned.

    I explained to her to be careful with him and explained about my friends who got raped by their "friends".

    It isn't my g/f fault he is having trouble with his feelings. She doesn't have this problem with her other guy friends and she is of the mind he won't ever try anything with her.

    Maybe you would "forbid" your SO to see her friends, but I'm not that way. I'm not going to apologize for that either.

    If you can't understand the situation isn't about my g/f doing something wrong, then you are welcome to give your advice, but I'll just choose to ignore it.
     
  14. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I am not agt. asking her to stop being friends with him IF I'm right... but there is no way for me to be sure. Unless things escalate and he keeps asking her to go out on a regular basis...

    The biggest problem is she didn't just meet this guy last week though. She works with him... and he does tech work that is vital to her job. It would be extremely awkward if she told him they couldn't be friends anymore. She HAS to work with this guy everyday at her job...

    It is just a really complicated situation and that is why I posted, because it isn't a black and white situation.

    Plus there is also the possibility I'm wrong and he can control his feelings and won't try anything with her.
     
  15. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    This is just sad.
     
  16. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Well since I don't respect your opinion now - some how I'll get over it.
     
  17. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    I think as a boyfriend you need to not put so much trust in people and be so naive. People will be people and it's the truth that some of them are out there to get what they want and move on. If you don't want to accept that truth then oh well, but it'll bite you in the ass later.

    Most everyone who has posted here has tried to help you based on their experiences. Since this is your first time experiencing this you don't know what could happen, and being so optimistic can get you hurt and then you'll be left dumbfounded and not sure who to blame.

    You need to realize that this is not normal in a relationship or friendship especially if the guy respects that the girl has someone, he would not be doing what he's doing.

    No you're not controlling your gf by being more aggressive about your relationship and what you feel is right or wrong, as long as you both discuss it.

    I'm a woman who, if I were in this situation, I would've told that friend to back off a long time ago and I would've backed off as well because I wouldn't want my boyfriend feeling as uncomfortable as you are.

    You're making it alot more difficult than it is, and honestly everyone can agree on the same way to deal with it but you. You are in denial and if you're not then you're more afraid of losing your gf so you'll let whatever happen because you don't want an argument to change your relationship.

    If you don't agree, that's fine, but you're not changing anything or going about helping the situation to make you feel better so it makes me wonder, why post it?

    Just my opinion.
     
  18. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Well the problem is the people trying to give me advice are trying to make it into a black and white situation and it isn't.

    It is always easy when we give advice to say do this.. do that. Then if the OP, myself in this case, is trying to explain that the situation is extremely complicated and the advice given isn't going to resolve the problem, ppl. start to get frustrated that their answers aren't helpful to the OP and start to get hostile and blame them for not taking their good advice.

    I've been on the other side of these kinds of threads and understand the whole dynamic of what is going on. The problem is the advice I have been giving isn't going to work, because it isn't as simple as me telling my g/f to stop being his friend.

    She will still see him everyday at work.. she still has to work side by side with him... she still will have to rely on him to help her... he does extremely important tech work for her job and if he doesn't help her (which he doesn't have to do by his job requirements), her job would be very stressful.

    If this happened because I told her to stop being his friend and I was wrong, I would in fact be the reason why her work environment is so stressful.

    So it isn't about fear of talking to my g/f and being afraid of losing her over what I say, because she and I talk about everything. It is about first deciding if what I suspect is in fact a problem... then the next step is approaching her in the correct way and trying to find a solution to a very difficult situation.
     
  19. downloadking

    downloadking Member

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    Enough said, she is surly in the wrong that's for sure to begin with.
     
  20. igor

    Gold Member

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    The hummer is just one instance of her being too familiar with him, IMO.
    He has the hots for her.
    She should not be encouraging him.
    'nuff said