So My Wife Gave Me Permission to Stray

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Hank0427, Dec 12, 2007.

  1. Hank0427

    Hank0427 New Member

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    So here's the story, last night my daughter (3 years old) comes up to me and hands me a copy of my wife's journal with a page open up with my name clearly showing. So naturally I take an innocent look. Well....on the page she admits to cheating on me years ago while we were dating.

    I don't know how to react to this, so I get tell her the story straight out later that evening. We actually had a very honest straightforward conversation. The kicker is we left it will her giving me permission to stray if I want?!@

    What am I to make of this? I must admit that the thought is intriguing...
     
  2. legacyfinder

    legacyfinder New Member

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    I would be very careful with this. Alot of guys would jump at the chance. I on the other hand would not even go there. Would you be ok with her straying?
    It sounds to me like she is giving you the ok to do whatever because she messed up years ago.
     
  3. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    This is potentially a very destructive situation. My advice would be not to act on your wife's statement. Reason being she is probably feeling guilty about her straying while the two of you were dating and like legacyfinder correctly states she is probably giving you a chance to do what she did you to you a few years ago. If you do act on it she will feel hurt, angry, and betrayed that you thought so little of your relationship with her that you actually took her up on her offer.

    With all of that said I know people are creatures of pleasure and it maybe something that you are quite interested in trying even with the warnings of how destructive to your relationship it may be. If the idea still entices you then my recommendation would be is to have several discussions with your wife regarding the statement. Work out the rules, boundaries, and what motivated her to make it. After you get it worked out then decide if it is truly worth it. Should you still decide to pursue it then realize that a married man finding a woman is quite difficult versus a married woman trying to find a man. My guess it will probably take you six months to a year of dedicated searching to find a woman who is open to your idea that is not a prostitute. Once you do find a woman the main thing is to stick to your agreed boundaries.
     
  4. Bluesy

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    Ooh, if you think she's actually granted you permission to have a fling, you are so in for a rude awakening :ugh People are prone to saying things in a fit of temper that they don't really mean. Sometimes people will throw out things like, "Well, fine, so go on and have your own affair and we'll just call it even!" It would be a mistake to take this at face value. Be honest with yourself, do you truly believe that having an affair is going to magically erase the resentment and hurt feelings created by the discovery of a secret not meant for your eyes and make everything all better? (I don't care what the rationale is, you should have immediately flipped that thing shut and put it back where it belonged--you made the decision to invade your wife's privacy.) I'm not pardoning her betrayal, but I'm sure you can think of healthier and more productive ways to deal with your emotions--solutions that will foster healing rather than cause further damage to your relationship.
     
  5. minarchist

    minarchist New Member

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    I wouldn't do it if I were you... If you cheat on her, your wife could use it to justify what she has done, or use it as an excuse to cheat on you in the future. And, like bluesy already said, I doubt she'd really be okay with it, even if she says she would be.
     
  6. starberry

    starberry New Member

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    If you love her, don't even think about it. The only time I let my boyfriend cheat on me was in a threesome situation. We were both very very drunk and he was having a party. He walked in on me kissing another girl in his bedroom, and I let them have sex apparently. I don't remember I totally blacked out, but it was kind of my fault, but it stills makes me feel sick to my stomach and I bring it up and act like a bitch because of it. Its much better to just leave it.
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Agreed. She apparently thought little of your relationship at the time herself (or that's what it seems...might not be the case however, read my own story below)...BUT...that doesn't matter I'm sure. Isn't it so frustrating that most people feel like it's OK for them to do whatever, but it's not OK for you to do whatever as well? That double-standard that many people impose on their relationships just absolutely kills me. :yell

    Before you even consider this "offer" (and I'd question how sincere this "offer" really is), I think you should first focus on how you are actually feeling after this discovery. Do you feel hurt, angry, and betrayed? Or was it so long ago that you don't really feel the hurt now? How much has this damaged your trust? I think you should first resolve and handle your own feelings about this discovery with her before you even consider the option. I think if you do this just to "get even" you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

    I think it comes down to how you feel about her, and where you want your marriage to go in the future. If you decline her offer, that sends the message that you love her, want to stay married to her, and forgive her. If you take her offer, that sends the message that you want to get even, that you may or may not want to keep the relationship with her, or a number of other possible things. If your relationship with her is the most important thing, I just can't see how taking her offer would help that.

    I think you guys should do a lot of talking. Why is she really making this offer? Is she trying to erase her own guilt? Does she just want to have an open marriage? Is she having an affair right now and feeling guilty about that? Is there someone she really wants to have an affair with right now? Or, is she trying to give you an already-approved means to vent your hurt and anger? What is her motivation for the offer? Is there anything else that she has not told you? Is she secretly turned-on by the thought of you having sex with another woman? Try to get down to her motivations...you might be surprised, or you might not.

    And what about you? Have you had any affairs? Are you already "even"? Also, are you being honest in saying that you read her journal semi-accidentally, or were you actually snooping on her?

    How did you really feel about this woman before this discovery? If you can look past whatever hurt you have right now, does this change those feelings? You probably can't answer that right now...give yourself some time to heal, and then try to answer it.

    At least she was honest about it when you confronted her. I think I would much rather have my partner confess something like this to me, instead of finding it out by accident. It carries the same hurt over the event itself, but at least it damages the trust just a little less to have them confess rather than be caught (or at least, I think it does). I *think* I would be most hurt by not knowing, regardless of whether the person confessed or I caught them, but I'm not sure. I tend to be a very trusting person by nature, and I hate being somebody's fool!

    LONG STORY
    I have something a little similar in my past. When my wife and I started seeing each other, she was still living with her boyfriend, and this went on for about 2-3 months, during which time we were having sex. She had told me that she didn't have sex with her boyfriend anymore, she didn't love him or want to be with him, that she was already on her way out, it was essentially just a matter of the logistics of going their seperate ways (there were some extenuating circumstances that I won't go into), and she asked me to have patience with her. I believed what she told me, even though several of my friends cautioned me against it (they know I'm a very trusting person). My gut feel was that she was being honest and sincere. I have ideals that I try to live by, but then I'm also realistic enough to know and accept that things involving people don't always happen under ideal circumstances. That's life.

    I decided somewhere around the 2-1/2 month mark that she had been seeing me long enough to make a decision and act on it. I don't like giving people ultimatums (I'd rather let them decide themselves from their own hearts), but I decided to tell her that either she needed to move out of the residence with her boyfriend or we needed to stop seeing each other. She moved out a week later, which certainly sent the right message to me.

    I planned a little celebration of her decision that involved a bottle of good tequila, some lingerie, and a Twister game. :brow That night, she told me that she had had sex with her old boyfriend while she was seeing me (and I won't go into why she said she was doing this, because that really doesn't matter). I immediately felt hurt, angry, and betrayed....very much so (from both the fact that she was having sex with him and that I perceived it as she had been dishonest). I recall that I had to walk outside and think. Somehow, I managed to remarkably quickly disengage the feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal (which REALLY surprised me about myself, because faithfulness IS important to me)...I realized that she had confessed this to me because she wanted to be honest and clear her conscience. My mind took over...you don't punish someone for being honest, even if you're not happy about the confession. I carefully considered that she had taken the big step of moving out, and that demonstrated a commitment to me. Plus, I had to consider that my decision to see a woman who was currently still living with her old boyfriend (regardless of what she said her intentions were) certainly helped make this possibility reality, so I had some responsibility in it as well. Can I get past this, given the real and human situation? My thoughts were "I love this woman, and I need to just let this go...especially given the less-than-ideal situation and the fact that she has showed me a commitment". So, I did. I went back inside and told her essentially "It's OK...we're not exactly in an ideal situation, it's been difficult for either of us to make truly noble decisions, and I'm going to just let this go. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect you to be perfect.". And I never brought it up again.

    So, was that "cheating" on her part? I'm truly not sure to be honest...there's so many gray areas where human beings are concerned...but it doesn't matter now since we moved forward, made commitments to each other, and ended up married. I was not nearly as mature then as I am now, but I feel like I really handled this in a very mature way. (Actually, I do have to credit one of my close friends for preparing me for this possibility. She asked me earlier "is she still sleeping with her old boyfriend?" I told her "she says that she's not". My friend said "how are you going to feel if that's not true?" So, this friend I think helped me prepare myself emotionally for that possibility, and was probably a big factor in me reacting in a mature way.)

    My wife sometimes worries that I distrust her now (married 11 years) because of how we met and ended up together, but I honestly don't...I try to show her that I trust her by giving her free reign to do whatever she wants (within reason, of course). And to be honest, there are hurtful things that she's said over the years that did a LOT more damage to our relationship that this "sexual mishap", or whatever it should be called. (Hmmm...my wife criticizes that I am "unforgiving", which is really not entirely true...maybe I should remind her about this the next time she says that?) Anyway, I don't recall ever feeling a desire to "get even" for this "mishap", nor do I think she could (what's the word?)..."emotionally accomodate"...retaliation even if I did have that desire. It would do nothing but damage our relationship, which is something I work very hard to avoid. I try to set what I think are the right examples myself, and hope that she will follow my examples.

    Anyway, I hope this story might help you in some way. Things can be so grey early on in a relationship (actually, some things can be grey years into a relationship for that matter)...sometimes you just have to forgive and let it go, especially if the situation is a big factor on the actions.

    BassDude
     
    #7 BassDude, Dec 13, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2007
  8. strangeone

    strangeone New Member

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    If my wife cheated on me, even if it was while we were dating, she wouldnt have to worry about me cheating on her because the marriage would be over right then. And I have made sure she knew it a long time ago.
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    That's actually what I told my wife when we were dating. (I had just ended a 4 year relationship with a psycho who was either cheating on me, or trying to make me think she was cheating on me as some sort of "test"...I decided that either way, it sucked and I should move on.) Given the "declaration" that I made, I'm surprised that she ever even confessed the old boyfriend thing to me...I recognized that it took some guts and gumption for her to do that. I'd have never known it if she hadn't told me, so she could have easily hidden it. But she didn't....she wanted to be honest and move forward in our relationship in the right way and with a clear conscience.

    The reality is that it's difficult to live life by black-and-white rules (believe me, I have always tried to make everything black-and-white), because everything involving humans is grey or otherwise multi-colored to some degree. In the situation I wrote about above, there was an extenuating circumstance...the old boyfriend was highly abusive and she physically feared him. I took that into consideration in my relationship with her, with her hesitation to move out, with this mishap, etc. I feel like I made the right choices...for me, anyway. I don't think of that mishap as her "cheating"...she said she was afraid to not have sex with him, and I believed her. She also took the steps to get herself out of that situation. Was what she told me (afraid to not have sex with him) actually true or not? Well, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things...whether that statement is "absolute truth" or not (How do you truly know that anything anyone says is actually true or not? How many times do people lie to themselves, for that matter?), I made the conscious decision to believe her (this is the part that matters), otherwise we wouldn't be married now.

    We of course hold each other to expectations of complete faithfulness now. But, I'm not perfect, and I can't expect her to be perfect (nor can I expect our relationship to be perfect)...that's the reality. There have been times that I have had likely opportunities to have an affair since we were married (one of them comes to mind as quite blatant), and in some of those I felt quite tempted...but, I'm a human being, there's nothing wrong with feeling tempted, as long as you make the right choices. Feelings themselves aren't right nor wrong...right and wrong only enter the picture based on what you consciously choose to do with those feelings. I've always made the right choices, and I believe my wife has too. You don't have to be perfect as long as your heart is in the right place...your actions will reflect that.

    One more thought...you know, I said above that I dislike being someone's "fool", and that's true. BUT...I'd much rather be a happy fool than a suspicious worry-wart. (I have enough things to worry about already, and I don't need to invent any new ones!) And in the specific case above (especially considering that people and things in life simply aren't perfect and infallible), I consciously chose potentially being a "happy fool" over ditching what I believed could be the relationship of a lifetime. My wife treated me like I absolutely meant the world to her...and that was what truly mattered to me. I would have felt quite stupid to walk away from that relationship based on that oddball mishap.

    BassDude
     
    #9 BassDude, Dec 13, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2007
  10. Hank0427

    Hank0427 New Member

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    Thanks for the comments and the insightful perspective Bassdude. To expand a little bit, my wife is now a recovering alcoholic. She and I come from very different backgrounds when it comes to relationships, sexual and otherwise. Basically I was more reserved in my experience than I even would have liked. She, conversely was the polar opposite. Without going into too much gory detail suffice it to say that she was very promiscous and even has a few scenes in her past that would be sufficient for an porn movie. I have learned of a few of these things because we do indeed have what I consider a strong line of communication. These two aspects of her life, alcohol and sex, were intricately linked...hardly uncommon, yet something I could never relate to.

    Despite this situation I reacted with some intimidation as I think that most guys in my position would have. It used to tear me up internally to picture some of these scenes in my head. Yet everything else about her complements me perfectly. I look at the relationship as one that really allows me to learn about life and myself.

    The strange thing is that since our early days I have found myself with much more liberal attitudes towards sex and otherwise. So much so that I actually can get in the mood where picturing her with other guys turns me on! She has always had a dual attraction to women and we've even experimented with a couple of female friends together. However, we've always been upfront and clear about our committment to each other and do not have interest in an open marriage.

    This mishap while we were dating was (you guessed it) during a drunken night out. I only happened on her journal because she had recently taken inventory of herself during her recovery. I do feel hurt and betrayed, but it makes a difference that this was early and before we were engaged or married.

    I believe that she is genuine in her offer to let me stray. I think that she believes that in some way I measure up my experience to hers and feel outmatched. This corresponds to a period in my life and evolution where I am actually interested in experimenting more sexually. I guess that some people are just late bloomers in this regards.

    So, does this extra insight change anyones opinions? Given the chance should I take her up on her offer?

    Thanks for the feedback...
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Yeah, funny how we seem to get a little kinkier the older we get, eh?

    It's really hard to say...you know her best, and it's ultimately your decision. I can try to put myself in her place...if I had an affair year's ago (even before we were married), my partner found out about it now, and I told her to go get even essentially...would I actually mean what I said? I don't have a frame of reference for this, but if I said it, I would have thought it out carefully, and I would sincerely mean what I said...that's definite. Would I make that offer? I don't honestly know...I have a really strong sense of fairness, so it's probably more likely that I would rather than I wouldn't, to be honest. If she took me up on the offer, would I be hurt? Probably...but I would also feel like I was getting my just deserves for my own bad choice.

    But not everyone thinks the same way I do, so I honestly don't know. I think you should talk with her a lot, and ask her how she is going to feel if you actually took her up on her offer.

    BD
     
  12. boringsafetyguy

    boringsafetyguy New Member

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    Interesting that people are against cheating, but okay with extra-marital relations, not in the context of a threesome. So long as there is permission it is okay. Everyone cautions against it because they suspect the alleged permission isn't really honest or fully confronted/aware.
    Nobody is so immature or impulsive as to say, "go for it! and if she changes her mind, just call 'too late, babe!' ".
    So I'm going to say do it right here, just so it gets said.
     
  13. Bluesy

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    Very well thought out response :tup Hank, I agree that you should talk to her about how it would make her feel if you took her up on the offer. Just to be on the safe side, you know.