So I'm trying to figure out why my bf wants anal sex

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by totty_hoops, May 13, 2009.

  1. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    I'm sorry to be graphic and for my first post to basically consist of my throwing my sex life onto the internet but here goes.

    I have a great boyfriend, of all the fellas I've been with he's the first that I see myself possibly marrying. I won't go into all he's got going for him, he's kind, good looking, very conscious socially, someone I admire as well as like.

    Sexually its a bit strange, though. The sex is good even though he wasn't all that experienced initially.

    But its just I'm worried about how his opinion of me for some of the things I've done sexually, and even if some of the stuff I did was even appropriate.

    I think from the beginning he wasn't happy when I was very overt. You know talking dirty acting a (little) bit slutty I suppose you could call it.

    So a few weeks ago I went down on him for the first time, it was just a spur of the moment thing, anyway he never looked at me while I was doing it, didn't say a word didn't even try and touch me. When he finished I did something which looking back I probably shouldn't have done, and made a bit of a scene out of swallowing ( which every other guy I've been with loves), which kind of freaked him out. ( and I haven't done since)

    With a bit of prompting he does talk to me and stroke me when I go down on him now, and he will actually ask for oral sex. But I just get the impression he thinks its a little slutty.

    Well a few nights ago out of the blue he asked for anal sex. Which kind of shocked me. Anal sex doesn't bother me I've done it with previous boyfriends, but I never told him that .....I'm willing to do it but I just wonder if he thinks I'm a bit of a slut and if that's why he's asking....


    I do talk to him about sex .... but it's hard to tell what his real opinions are.

    I'd welcome any views I can get.
     
  2. heelfetish

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    Anal is a hot-button topic with many people. I'm not sure what his previous experiences are, but many people (men and women) do fantasize about it. With the info given in your post, it seems likely to me that he is becoming more comfortable with you, enough to express his desire to try something a little out of the norm. I wouldn't be offended or put off by his question, but rather I'd be pleased that he is comfortable enough to start to talk about these things.

    It's all a part of getting close to someone, and developing trust. To me it just seems that he's trusting you, more comfortable with you, and wants to explore sexually with you. Seems like a step in the right direction. Of course, your response to his question regarding anal sex is entirely up to you. :) But I just don't see his question as a problem from either his perspective or your own. I doubt he thinks of you as a slut... Anal sex is quite commonplace and prevalent in pornography.

    But it sounds like your relationship is progressing nicely, and I hope it continues to do so. :)
     
  3. RenCom

    RenCom Member

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    For the part where you mention going down on him for the first time, and he didn't even look at you or say a word, I think he was a bit surprised/shy. He seems to be a very caring guy and you mention sort-of inexperienced, so he maybe didn't know how to react and didn't want to push you too much, so not to hurt you or do something you wouldn't like. It could also be that he was really enjoying what you were doing, so concentrating on something else wouldn't have been possible (lol)

    Does he watch a lot of porn? Usually, porn somewhat desensitizes some behaviors, like talking dirty or making a scene out of swallowing.

    As for the anal sex... it's maybe his dirty little fantasy and since you were so "open" when giving head, he thought that you'd be willing (or at least curious) to try out anal sex.

    Lastly, I don't think he thinks you're a slut... personally, if a girl is really open sexually... I think she's awesome and deserves my respect, and I especially don't view her as a slut.
     
  4. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    Well yeah the relationship is definitely progressing and I really don't have a problem with anal sex. It's just I'm kind of worried about how he views some of the stuff I do for him sexually.

    I've only known him a few months so I'm still finding it hard to read what he's thinking and he's not very forthcoming.It's just the impression I got from him when I started giving him oral sex is that he thinks its dirty. He wants me to do it anyway of course, I occassionally talk to him about it but the conversation is alway pretty laboured.

    In the past 5 or 6 weeks he's wanted sex 2 or 3 times a day, which is okay and he is a considerate lover... it's just his attitude is giving me pause.

    Okay so I'm reading what I wrote and I'm not making sense. So I'll be more specific.

    The first time I went down on him, like I said he wouldn't talk to me or even make eye contact, and when I swallowed he looked pretty disgusted. When you go down on a guy you expect him to at least acknowledge what it is you just did for him, even if its just to say thanks. The first time I did it I deep throated him just to make it special, but since then he's asked why I don't do it every time, and he got a bit sniffy when I told him gagging myself on his penis is something I have to be in the mood for. I've also had to tell him several times to let me know before he cums (for some reason he doesn't get why that's a big deal), He doesn't actually say the words "Im coming" just some euphamism that he can think of.

    And it's not just shyness, when he's horny he'll ask for oral sex. He'll talk about random stuff while I do it but he doesn't actually acknowledge with words that I've got his penis in my mouth.

    In the last week or so I've stopped letting him shag me doggy style because I wanted to force him to make eye contact.

    It's other stuff as well, like he got a bit sniffy once about the waist band of my knickers coming out over my jeans, but then at a later stage he bought me this really tacky underwear that he wanted me to wear. It was horrible yet when I offered to take him shopping with me so we could pick out something together he was horrified.

    It's just I think he's taken the fact that I'm willing to have sex as often as he wants to be some sort of character flaw on my part.

    He is truly a really great guy, its just his attitude to sex and hence to me that I can't understand.
     
  5. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I am glad you have found a caring guy, when I got together with my so, we are getting married next may, it was my last year in high school. I was extremely shy, I had never had sex any kind and I had never had a gf. She had had many bf and sex once I think and oral sex a few times.

    I was a very shy guy, but this is how I am shy, I am shy about something until she aknowledges that it is ok and then I am fine everytime after that.
    This the point he is coming from he has no idea how you deal with the cock, he likes the idea of you gagging because it makes him feel superior.

    When I met my SO I was big into bdsm so I was familar with top and bottom, dom and sub. And I started out being the sub and had her be the sub but once I got better and more confident at sex I am the dom one now. You also have to remeber that sex is not who you are it is a roleplaying time not just with words and actions but also feelings and ideas.

    When you did your routine with the deep throating and cum swallowing which sounds very sexy you probably were being to much of the contoling party and it made him uneasy because he wants to control but I is not confident enough yet to do so.

    As far as anal goes it is probably him expressing his want for dom, I love not just because of the control aspect but because it feels amazing same with deep throating.

    Here is another kicker how religious is he and did he come from a religious family a lot of supressed emotions stem from being religious.

    But ultimately the best thing you can do is to talk to him and a good time to talk is right after sex you should find he is more open than usual at this time.

    good luck
     
  6. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    Thanks for your post and pm vampire raver. But I don't really think the whole dominant/submissive thing is my bf's problem. I know you're looking at it through your own experience and if you're into the whole bdsm thing that's fair enough.


    But in my bf's case I don't really think he puts that much thought into it. Simply put he was quite restrained at first when we had sex, So I encouraged him to let go and be a bit more aggressive. Now he's gone to the other extreme because he thinks I'm up for anything, he's like a kid in a sweet shop. I'm up for most stuff but I just want him to be clear in his head why he wants to do the stuff he's asking me for.
     
  7. footelong

    footelong New Member

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    This sounds like a case of "careful what you ask for" to me, in the best sense of the word. It sounds like your openness has given him the green light to open himself up. I say go with it. If he has been a bit restrained up until now this could be way to help him express himself. But only if you want him too...
     
  8. heelfetish

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    Agreed. :)
     
  9. lbushwalker

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    Footelong, looks like you have earned your stripes 'caus like HF it's ditto from me too.
     
    #9 lbushwalker, May 21, 2009
    Last edited: May 21, 2009
  10. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    You are right, all his requests came after I asked him what he wanted to do sexually.

    But its just I'm not sure he appreciates exactly whats involved on my part in some of things he wants to do.

    For example when I go down on him he always wants me to deep throat him. I asked him a few nights ago did he actually understand deep throating means me gagging myself on his cock?. He got a little hurt but he really didn't understand what was happening when I did it.

    Its the same with the anal sex thing even he felt comfortable enough to ask for it but when I pointed out what it actually involves on my part he got embarressed.

    It's other things as well, things that most guys wouldn't have to be told, like... he's extremely rough with his fingers and I constantly have to tell him, he also gets carried away when we're shagging to the point I won't let shag me doggy style because I actually need to control what he's doing. It's not that he's thoughtless its just he doesn't think about it.
    another thing is his fascination with my bum, I've told him I don't mind him fingering me in the shower but I'm not risking him fingering my bum and then touching me other places. We'll be having sex (and its usually good) and I'll feel a finger and its staring to piss me off.
    It's not a case of me telling him and him choosing to ignore me,,, it's just he gets so hyped up, I've got to the point where I have to tell him to stop and have a breather cause I think he's going to explode.

    I don't want to give the wrong impression, he really is good in bed and he's considerate enough that he makes a big effort to make sure I orgasm. But its just that I have to tell him not to do stuff that he shouldn't need telling.

    As for the anal sex, my feelings was that it would be dishonest for me to refuse him something that I don't really have a problem with and that I've done with guys that I liked a lot less than him. So my initial plan was to wait a little bit untill he mellowed out.

    Tuesday was a big day at work for me, none of my friends really realised though I hadn't said anything to him and yet he found out. He planned a whole evening bought me this beautiful dress that I'd seen in a shop weeks ago and mentioned in passing I liked. He is so good at picking up on important things like that. Thinking about it makes me feel like a cow for saying anything bad about him.

    So yesterday evening I did it. There was no way I was going to let him do it from behind so I went into this really awkward position on top. It was probably just as well cause I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel.

    It was the same story again, I told him not to thrust into me and that I'd do all the moving. But as soon as I got him in me he started thrusting, when I told him to stop I could tell he didn't even realise he was doing it he was in his own little world in his head.

    But it wasn't that bad, and he really did appreciate it, but I still can't figure him out.
     
  11. heelfetish

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    Honestly, and please forgive if I seem out of line, but I'm not sure what there is to figure out. He sounds like pretty much every other healthy, horny, inexperienced male out there. From the outside, it's obvious. You've opened the doors to the candy store (or toy store, if that analogy suits you better), and now your wondering why your child is running wild with excitement?

    It's somewhat normal for him to be acting this way. Have patience. Keep guiding him. Your teachings will make him a much better lover. Try not to be annoyed with him for his (over?) excitement, but rather encourage him to savor the moment, instead of rushing for the finish line. Please remember that you're the holy grail to most men... A woman that's open sexually; who will deep throat, who will talk dirty, who will take it anally... Everything he's come to fantasize about. If I was him I'd be excited too!

    One thing that works for my wife, is to ask me to 'make love' to her, rather than 'fuck' her. Sometimes she's in the mood for a good pounding. Most other times she's not. Her asking me to slow down and 'make love' to her is always a great sign for me to slow down, to be more sensual. Try it, see if it works for you, too.
     
  12. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    You're right I did open the door, and it might be a bit hypocritical for me to try to slam it shut now.

    What I'm trying to understand is how he regards some of the stuff he wants me to do. Even after I explained why deep throating is too uncomfortable to do more than occassionally I still don't think he gets it!

    The same with anal sex, I had to take control when we did it cause I knew he'd be too rough if he was in control. It might be a case that he's going to learn but he seems to need to learn stuff that most guys just know as common sense.

    One big thing is that... well I get the suspicion that he thinks a lot of the stuff we're doing is quite dirty. That somehow I'm a bit slutty for doing it ... I don't know. I just get these doubts when we do them, that he's not entirely got them in perspective.
     
  13. HardRocker

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    As much as you don't want to hurt his feelings, if he continues to be slow on the uptake, you may have to grab him by the ears and say, You're hurting me! You need to be more gentle, I am not a fuck doll!

    Is his experience mostly what he learned from pornography? Those sessions are frequently absurdly rough with the fingers, also skullfucking as opposed to pleasantly paced sucking, caressing and stroking during a blowjob. Hopefully he does not have some kind of anger association with sex. I'm only throwing out guesses here.

    Some men that want to do anal need to have to feel something stuck in their ass at least once... not in a rude way, of course. Maybe that would help him comprehend what you feel. Also, though we have tried it, anal fingering during sex turns me off too, for the same reason you say. Pecker tracks is one thing, but I don't care for ass tracks.
     
  14. heelfetish

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    I agree with HR. I suppose I haven't understood the extent of his roughness. And I agree, you need to make it perfectly clear to him that he's hurting you. If he doesn't shape up, then it's time to start using a 2-letter word. Telling him No is quite effective. And he'll either learn that if he wants sex with you that he has to be more gentle, or he won't. In which case it's time to move on. :(
     
  15. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    It's not really the case that he's intentionally being rough, I think it's just that he's getting carried away. Part of it is he doesn't realise his own strength and size, and part of it is I'm not into anything that could be considered rough. I mean he doesn't seem to be able to gauge it right, one minute he'll be mauling me downstairs then when I tell him to take it easy he'll go to the other extreme and barely touch me ... then a few minutes later when he's worked up again he'll be back to mauling me again... at that stage I'll be in my little zone so I'll just go with the flow.

    I kind of have high expectations for this relationship which is why I'm being a little bit more patient than I normally would. Plus like I said he is trying, the sex is good ,,,

    Like yesterday my period started and I think he was a bit afraid of me it didn't help that I had a cold as well... I got a bit sniffy with him telling him he didn't have to stay... he insisted and he was just typically nice!!... made me pancakes and gave me this killer backrup which put me in the mood for sex which is unusual for me..

    and you know he was so busy concentrating on doing what I told him so we didn't make a mess ... it was really good... I told him afterwards that if he did it like that in future everything would be great. I even told him a threesome is something we could consider in the future.

    So this morning I gave him a blowjob... So to test the waters a little I told him he could put his hands on my head and gently guide me ... but he had to be aware of what was happening.

    :mad (those little smiley thingies are useful) and then 30 seconds into it I had pinch him, cause he was instinctivly trying to push my head down instead of just guide the motion.. It was the same story as before... he wasn't looking at me and he just zoomed off into his own worls.. So that kind of killed the buzz off his good performance last night..

    I got a bit pissed afterwards telling him there was no way I could ask someone to have a threesome if he was going to be doing stupid shit like that...

    Incidently thanks to everybody that's responding, normally I'd chat to my mates when I hit a hickup with my sex life, but because we move in kind of the same circles I think it would be weird... and I think I should keep what's happpening in bed to myself .. well apart from on here of course....
     
  16. heelfetish

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    I agree with ya, this stuff is hard to talk over with friends. I certainly don't discuss my sex life with anyone else but the forums here.

    The more you post, the better I'm able to see what you;re describing. I wish I had some profound advice, but honestly I think you're doing all you can do at this point. I DO think you should approach him about some turnabout... See if he's open receiving some ass play. Start out small and careful of course, but he may gain some appreciation for what's involved if he experiences it himself. And who knows, he may even like it! (I do!)

    I don't know that getting angry is the right response, but be sure that he understands when he crosses the line. Tell him no, to stop, slow down, be gentle, etc. This guy seems like he's only got 2 speeds, snail slow and jackrabbit fast. He's got to learn that there is a whole world in between the two.

    Please, continue to share. If nothing else I'm sure getting it off your chest must help. :)
     
  17. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    To be honest I don't think I'm up for anything that involves playing with his bum. I did it with a previous bf and it just made me uncomfortable. I think it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship in a way that I don't like. I was also in a relationship before with a guy that was bi-sexual and when we let it in to our sex life I had trouble dealing with it.

    The worst thing about the anal sex the other night was that I had to be on top. Because I just couldn't trust him to do it from behind. I prefer to just let the guy get on with it and not have to control the whole thing.

    You're right about him only having two speeds though. and I just don't know if he's learning.

    I mean when he starts off he's very careful, he makes sure I'm wet before he actually penetrates me, but as soon as he starts actually fucking me he goes a little crazy. I'm usually getting close to my orgasm so its kind of hard to pull the breaks, and I typically end up getting hammered which isn't really my thing.

    Plus like I said I have to either do it in missionary or cowgirl in order to control what he does. neither of which are positions I really like
     
  18. heelfetish

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    Have you sat down with him and talked about this? I mean really talked about it? If not, it might be worth a go. Just remember that timing is important. Try to bring it up at a time when sex is not planned, etc. That way he's less likely to go on the defensive than if you brought it up immediately after.
     
  19. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    Yeah done the whole sit down thing, explained the rules with regard to his fingers when we're shagging.

    He was like--- what me:eek shove my fingers up your bum:eek when we're shagging ...no never! and he was being honest but the next time we shagged same thing again...

    So...Like I said he's an awesome bf and in all honesty he's not doing anything that merits me actually shouting and screaming at him which is the next step, from the reasoned conversations we've been having..

    It's just I think he needs to learn stuff that most guys just know from common sense..

    Like I said he's making the effort in every other area of the relationship I've never had a bf that's been as considerate and kind. Even though the sex is heavy going is satisfying... so for the time being I'm not going to make too big an issue out of it. As it stands now he realises he's banned from shagging me from behind, there's going to be no more anal sex or putting his hand on my head when I'm going down on him, and the threesome do far on the horizon it may never happen.. Are those restrictions enough to force him to change? I want to offer him an incentive.

    I don't know if there's anything else I should do?
     
  20. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    It's strange how setting things down in writing can change your perspective on things. After I posted yesterday about the whole blowjob disaster I started to get more angry than I was at the time.

    In the last few weeks we've got into a routine where in the evening we'll watch a movie and snog a little, then I'll go down on him, and then later we'll go to bed. Anyway I told him yesterday that I'd changed my mind and that I wasn't going to go down on hm untill he sorted his act out.

    The way I see it is if I can't trust him to hold my head, then rather than tell him to keep his hands off I should just stop going down on him till he learns to control himself.

    He made the whole arguement that he would just not use his hands, but I told him I wouldn't go down on him again untill I trusted him enough to hold my head.

    He said he'd try, but I just got pissed and said I wasn't prepared to do it untill he was 100% sure. I actually poked him in the chest and told him it was dangerous, that he could choke me.

    He got all embarressed I think and I felt really bad.

    It got worse though we had sex last night, and it started off with one of his super backrups. He remembered how to do it from last night so as not to make a mess. And it was really good, but I finished well before he was anywhere near ready. It started to get uncomfortable so I had to ask him to stop.

    I've never managed to wank him off with my hand, to be honest I don't really think he likes it. I suggested as nicely as possible he could wank himself and we could cuddle at the same time. (I've done it with previous bf's and they've liked it) but he kind of got embarressed again and just wanted me to drop it.

    He was embarressed again this morning when he kept getting a hard on. He didn't ask me for anything though so he seems to be accepting the rules. I suppose if I wasn't on my period he might have asked for a regular shag.

    But I don't know am I messing him about??