So I Had a Friend

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Essene, Jan 3, 2014.

  1. Essene

    Gold Member

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    I know this isn't Sex or Relationships but...... yeah.

    This friend of mine.. she's like a more tame version of who I used to be character, personality, action-wise.


    I was a very toxic person. I didn't mind screwing over a friend in order to gain something even if it was solely for laughs. I'd date one girl, and have a relationship with the other just to break them up. I felt no remorse and I felt justified in doing these bad acts.


    This chick is the exact same as I am except where I used to use emotional ploys she uses sexually-physical ones.


    We haven't talked for a while but she messaged me recently. I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to write this and since the blog aspect of this forum has been disabled I felt the need to make an actual thread.


    When we talk I remember everything I've ever done (deceit, manipulation, lying, etc) just to have a kick in life. And I miss it. I really do. And that scares me because I'm in a committed relationship. One that I adore with a woman I love. I was addicted to playing people's emotions. Fuck! It was like a drug.


    Even now all I want to do is write in a bombastic way about how I hurt this person or that person. It goes much deeper to a much darker and odd place.


    It went beyond hurting people. I found out that being charismatic and telling the 100% truth, after I was finished with lying, could get me farther than trying to remember which lies I told which people. I din't have any drive to get promoted in jobs but I wanted to see how it'd work in a business world. It did.


    Just AGH! Fuck this yearning. I wish I wasn't attracted to this version of myself.


    This girl is GORGEOUS. Her physical appearance is blase at best and her body is very unattractive. But... her mind. Oh My Fucking Gosh. HER MIND. Is delicious.


    I know this is a very odd post from the usual ones I make and it's an of way for me to write. But you know... nostalgia.