So Confused And Desperate!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Angel@Heart, Jul 4, 2005.

  1. Angel@Heart

    Angel@Heart New Member

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    I'm not sure where i can begin and how much i can say on this as is an extremtly delicate matter. But my partner has just told me that he has been fucking i shall say a boy for 2 years but had not for nearly a year until about a week ago. He wanted to tell me cause he doesn't want any secrets as our relationship has been very complicated and he's trying to prove how much he loves and needs me. He has promised he will try to stop and feels he can but i am now so confused i know i do love him and i know i can't walk away it's taken us a long while to get to where we are and i don't want to let go but ours is a long distance relationship so i can't be with him 24/7.

    I just not sure how to deal with it do i ignore it or what would you do? Any adviseor comments be it good or bad is welcome i just need to try and get some feedback to help me get my head round it totally.
     
  2. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    I am sorry to hear that you are going through something so difficult and painful.

    In a black and white view of the world, a cheater is a high relationship risk. Often they cheat again. However I try to limit myself in the black and white view of the world. What makes your relationship so complicated? Is he worth the emotional and health (please remember venereal diseases) risk?

    Honestly it can be a difficult situation to answer. I know a few people that having side affairs is fine and their emotional connection is strong. For being someone who has a hard time dealing with just my wife's past; I certainly could not handle this type of a situation myself. But this is a personal situation.

    Also depending upon the 'complication' of the relationship, perhaps his actions were reactionary. Or are they related to a need for male companionship (something you cannot provide). Or is it a long distance thing?

    Sorry to have more questions than answers....
     
  3. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Angel at Heart,

    Here is a Link to radical Honesty concept in Marriage Builders.

    http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

    Marriage builders emphasizes ending the affair, with no contact. I BF has not contact, tahtn ther will be no more affair. Help BF write a No Contact letter to Otehr Man.

    Have an arrangement for web cam sex or phone sex, or other visualization of heomosexul pornography, or some arrangement that yo support for BF to handle his impules, that lead to infidelity.

    Become a coach for BF to end his infidelity. Like an AA sponsor. when BF thinks aabout comfort from OM, have an arrangment of what you can do together right then, or make arrangemetns for soo there after. If you need idea for a web cam, seach next door nymph.

    IN MB, Plan A is trying to work things out. Plan B is putting your participation on Hold until BF works out his afair himself, and committs to your terms.

    What all would you like to see change?

    Blessings
     
  4. Angel@Heart

    Angel@Heart New Member

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    What makes it more difficult is we are related but our relationship is legal before i get all that from everyone. He has kids at home and until they old enough to leave we cannot live together cause they been through enough when there mum left and i'm not gonna bore u anymore with that. He is worth the emotional turmoil i'm in and i am happy to stick by him because he has promised he will try to stop. He has said that if we were able to live together it would not happen he just says he occasonally gets the urge but not so much now as he doesnt enjoy it as much as he used to.

    Is it wrong to stick by him? What would you all do?
     
  5. Eros

    Eros New Member

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    There is no wrong unless there is intentional hurt; only choices and consequences. I would suppose that since it sounds like a deep love then I would find a way to make the best of all the complications and find a way to come to peace with the consequences. I am not sure anymore that there isn't always yucky complications in any relationship - yours are just more overtly complicated.

    My only real recommendation is that it may be worthwhile in finding a way to live together. It may seem to hurt the kids, but kids are very adaptable and may benefit more from a loving, positive environment then one that is more socially acceptable but strained. I would have concern that his urges and lack of physical togetherness may allow for further slip ups when your relationship takes its natural lows which every relationship does. Also the 'if we were able to live together it would not happen' sounds awefully like an excuse on his part....

    Just my opinion. Best of luck. Remember no one has the right to judge you for your choices when they are based out of love and genuine effort. Screw them!!!
     
  6. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Angel at Heart,

    I feel Eros has point that you might re-examine the reasons you are not living together.

    Radical Honesty means a heavy load on a partner who is innocent. That means you have an extra burden of his inficelity honesty.

    How are your boundaries? What could you do to more comply with his wishes? What could he do more for you, that you might be feeling resentful about? I have discussed Boundaries on a number of threads on various topics in SF. You might do a search.


    Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, cloudtownsend. com

    BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE (1999), by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Available in Leather, ISBN 0-310-24612-1, Hard back: ISBN 0-310-22151-X, and Paper Back: ISBN 0-310-24314-9 (Soft Cover) Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530.

    Boundaries in Marriage Workbook, Paperback, ISBN 0-310-22875-1.

    Boundaries, Face to Face (2003) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

    cloudtownsend.com
    www.drhenrycloud.com
    www.newlife.com

    Boundaries Course Video, with Cloud and Townsend, comes with the Boundaries in Marriage, the Particpant's Guide and the Instructor's Guide.
    http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1813624&sourceid=1500000000000000040820
    Boundaries Groups:

    overcomersoutreach.org
    Overcomer's Outreach Boundaries Groups

    celebraterecovery.com
    Celebrate Recovery Boundaries Groups


    His statement that he is going to work on it, sounds weak. Help him at least draft a No-Contact letter, and set some limits. Have you had the Western Block Test for HIV? When was his last test? What precautions is he taking? What precautions are you taking?

    Have you searched Step Parenting or Blended Families? There are quite a few resources, and you might have a goal for being a good guide for his children. IF the children find out that Dad is Gay, how will that go over? How can you improve your realtionship with his children? Sounds like your BF is into some heavy games.

    You are leaving out many details. Be sure that you are not fooling yourself. Do you have someone who can serve as a good advisor for you?


    Blessings
     
    #6 Logger, Jul 4, 2005
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2005
  7. longnstrong

    longnstrong New Member

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    when you say a boy do you mean someone who is like 10, or do you mean like a 17 year old. being gay is one thing being a pedophile is another. and if he is a pedophile then you should take him to a shrink.

    the next thing is do you beleive in bi-sexuality if so then it might be worth it to stay with him. if you dont believe in bi sexauls and that means that you should come to the conclusion that he is really a gay guy and is going out with you just to have the rep of being straight.
     
  8. columbus17

    columbus17 New Member

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    To hell with the shrink, take him straight to the police.
     
  9. longnstrong

    longnstrong New Member

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    she is more likely to take him to a shrink then to the police, and if what she says is true about the guy he wants to reform.
    i wonder why she has not replied yet, she still comes here.
     
  10. Cotton_Candy

    Cotton_Candy New Member

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    You say you love him.. thus i would think you need to come to accept the fact that he is bisexual..He has promised you he would try to stop..but wouldnt you always wonder if he secretly still held attractions towards guys? If i were in that situation and it was my boyfriend.. i would try all i could to accept his bisexual side and still love him for the person he is.To me it would be better to accept it instead of handeling it like its a taboo thing or a discusting thing. And if you cant accept it and feel you just cant be around it or have anything to do with it.. then maybe you can let him know that no matter what he decided (to give it up or not) that you still love him.
     
  11. Angel@Heart

    Angel@Heart New Member

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    Yes i would always wonder as that is just me not that i'm not trusting. Now i've had a couple of days for it to settle in i know i do still love him and still want to be with him and i can accept him for the person he is i know he'd accept me if it was the other way round. I think i'm still a little shell shocked but i can't just let go we've been in love for so long that it's worth working on and standing by him. So thanks everyone for your comments they have helped.
     
  12. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Angerl at Heart,

    It may be that you are already doing all the right things necessary to imporove your realtionship to meet your ideals.

    There may be some things you may wish to do differently yourself. There may be some things you want to ask BF to change.

    The idea of drafting a No Contact letter still seems worth pursuing. Drating would create a process of discussion of the issues,whether a letter was actually ever sent, or implimented.

    The letter might go something like,

    Dear Mr. X,

    I have found temptation in your arms, and I have commitments I am attempting to keep. I have broken the commitment to the woman I love, and I must make changes to be sure that I do not cause her further hurt.

    So that I may be more consciously in command of my keeping my committments, I have decided that the innocent part of seeing you must be cut back. I have been seeing you at A B and C times. I can avoid contact at time A and B. During C times, it is currently unavoidable that I will see you, but I want you to agree to limit any conversation to the basic minimum.

    Please assist my with my desire to avoid hurting the woman to whom I am committed. For my children, it will be best that our support for each other become a memory of the past, and as far distant from the present as possible.

    So that you may contact me if there is some urgent matter, I have retained an attorney for you to contact, should you need to contact me. The attorney is retained prinarily to give me any message from you, with strict confidentiality.

    END OF PROPOSED NO CONTACT LETTER

    Boudaries is looking at what yo can do to improve the relationship, first, and then asking BF what he can do, in a manner of ready negotiating.


    Blessings
     
  13. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    Ok this is complicated but I think you need to break it down in steps. First and most important I think you need to get to the root of his needs. Why does he do it, is he gay or bisexual (I am assuming the boy is of age - if not then his issues need to be addresses on a serious level with a shrink) Once you know these answers I think the next steps will be easier to take and the outcome will be more stable.
     
  14. astridaku

    astridaku New Member

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    Well I guess you are a girl and he is a boy, and he is sleeping with someone from the same sex right? or I got it wrong? If I got it right, and he is bisexual lets call him, I am sorry sweetie, but no matter how much you try you will not be able to compit with a guy, no matter how many strap ons you try, so you will have to learn to deal with the fact that he also likes willies. You can talk about the subject with him and get to an agrement on when and how, cause he won't stop it, and if he promise he will do it behind your back. Ask him to practice only safe sex and the amount that he needs it. If he needs it 3 times a week I am sorry sweetie, but he is gay. Speak with him, be open with your feeling and if you can learn to accept the fact that he also like willies, you can make it work.
     
  15. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I live in the UK too. Long distance relationships in the UK are not exactly the same thing as they are in the US. In the US one may live in Boston and the other lives in Los Angles being separated by 3 time zones and about 2,500 miles. Plus the cost of communitng in the UK is much cheaper and more convienant than the US. There are a few couples who I know where one works in London during the week, for example and commutes home to York for the weekend. I don't know if this type of an arragement could work for you where the two of you could get some time together.

    Anyhow you are faced with one of three options. The first option is finding away to get beyond this and have the relationship continue. I realize this is easier said then done. However each couple does have the capacity to negotiate a resolution to the issue.

    Another solution would be to consider an open relationship. Personally I would not advocate this as it should come out a mutual agreement and negotiation. However if meeting is limited due to distance and you want "to keep him", it might be something worth considering.

    The final option is ending the relationship. It may be the damage is too great for you to continue in it and from the sounds of it there seems to be some justification for it.

    Whatever you decide do it because it is in your best interest and not out of fear.
     
  16. FormerFreak

    FormerFreak New Member

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    I'm curious: you say it's very complicated. What you've overtly described is not all too complicated--at least not insofar as you can curtail these issues with discussion and willful resolve. For example:

    The relatedness is get-overable, especially if it's legal as you say (I'm supposing 3rd cousins or "by marriage" or something of the sort, correct us all if we're wrong). That's just an unfortunate consequence of being a child of Adam: essentially, you're always going to end up f*cking SOMEONE you're related to SOMEHOW! (LOL!)

    And the bisexuality/homosexuality is get-overable, too. Not without difficulty, of course, but get-overable. Yous guys can either be together or not--naturally you should discuss that point in detail. If you’re entertaining a prolonged ménage-a-trois, be careful as triangulate relationships almost invariably end up deteriorating into "third wheel" relationships after a while. So get honest with one another in what you both want.

    Now, all of this seems relatively uncomplicated to me--UNLESS!, and you either cleverly or carelessly glazed over this point, the bi/homo-sexuality is pederastic. "Shall I say a boy" to me means just that: a boy. If that's the source of the complication of which you speak, then everyone else is right: he needs help. And I'm not really entertaining this next twist as high on the list of possibilities or probabilities, but if, just IF that kid is in any way related to him, then that needs intervention, and fast.

    Otherwise, talk it out. Sign a contract. When you look at how much worse it could be (i.e. the pederastic situation listed above), then a little infidelity whilst in a LD relationship seems like a cake-walk, no? Good luck!