Slow learner or doesn't care?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Barbwire, Mar 18, 2007.

  1. Barbwire

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    I've been with the same man for 11 years now and I still have to tell him step by step what I want done to me in bed. Is he a slow learner, or does he just not care?
     
  2. Joe

    Joe
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    Hmmmmmm... Can he tie his shoe laces by himself?
     
  3. Adramalech

    Adramalech New Member

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    Does he use similar positions that you enjoy? Or is it just completely off? What's his body ratio compared to yours? I'm a full 1'2" taller than my girl and pretty much twice her weight, but we both have our fav. positions. Some she hates that I love, and some that she loves I hate. But there is always that magic few that we just both love. Usually I don't like ones she likes due to my size, others because of how much weight she has to hold, even when i'm supporting myself.
     
  4. cbrmale

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    Cowboy Lover,
    I had a lover like this, and after several years I kept saying the same things over and over again with no apparent improvement. I mean we had a lot of sex, and it was okay, but I wanted it to be more fluid and natural. I wanted to change it and not fall back into an unsatisfactory pattern.

    She cared for me, and she loved me, and she is very intelligent but not intuitively sensual. The big issue was she was holding back on me, and even counselling didn't help. In her case we eventually found it was a Christian guilt thing, and once we discovered she was guilty about letting go with sex, and convinced her that God wants her to let go, she was fine, and now she is a wonderful lover. Today she is good at reading my body language and responding to me, and giving me signs so I can respond to her. Indeed, she is excellent!

    I am not a counselling-type psychologist, I studied physiological, social and anthropoligical psychology. But once someone mentioned what the problem might be, my psychology experience enabled me to engineer the change.

    So then, what is your partners problem? Most likely, he is not sensually intuitive and you are. But there is probably another blocker, and counselling may help you discover what it is, or it may not. Maybe you can talk (as we did many times) and find out what it is, or maybe not. Or maybe you might stumble across it by accident.

    Based on my experience, the problem you have is not necessarily that he is slow, or he doesn't care, most likely he is uncomfortable with letting go for some reason. Perhaps you can talk in a non-confrontational manner in order to find what this reason might be.
     
  5. Barbwire

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    It just feels to me like he has no sexual instincts at all, I find him to be an awkward lover, and almost robotic in his movements. He has no imagination, doesn't take well to new ideas, and I'm finding it more and more of a turn off. I feel lovemaking with someone you know well should be seamless, freeflowing, and without boundries.

    He is very hard to talk to about sex because he gets very defensive and arguementative. It's hard for me to approach him knowing how careful I have to be of his ego, and when I do say anything, I have to sugar coat it so much my true meaning doesn't always get through. I just lose my nerve, or give up, depending on his reaction.

    I know we need counseling, but he is not open to it/doesn't want to pay, as I've stated in past posts I've made here.

     
    #5 Barbwire, Mar 18, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2007
  6. Barbwire

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    Most of your questions have to do with actual intercourse, i.e. penetration. I have never orgasmed from just that, so I guess that doesn't apply. Where I find myself directing him over and over again is in doing all the stuff that comes before penetration, the stuff that gets me off.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    Wow, this is unbelievable! If I wrote my past it would read just like this, the same wording and everything: awkward, robotic, lacking imagination. Even the defensiveness, we push our partners for a little more and end up pushing them into a corner, and that is why they won't budge.

    I tried counselling, and it didn't help, because a psychologist can lead a person to water, but they can't make them drink it.

    I feel for you, because I know of the pain. You love someone, you live with someone, you share awkward sex with someone and if you could only - just - make the sex a little better... But you can't, and it is so bloody frustrating! Do you leave? Do you cheat? Do you resentfully put up with it? And all it takes is the sexually inexperienced one to bend their boundaries a bit, and not only would sex be better for you, it would be better for them too! You try to sell something, 'do this and you wil enjoy it', and they say 'no'! How do you sell it, when they refuse?

    Once we discovered my wife's problem with religion, I got agreement from her to explore things a bit. I hired a series of videos called 'ordinary couples, extraordinary sex' and we watched them together. She saw some ordinary couples doing some very good sex, and this opened her eyes that she was not good at sex. I couldn't compare her to a past lover or girlfriend, but she needed some benchmark for her to judge herself against.

    Also she loved me, and I hinted she would lose me if she didn't change. So I used carrot and stick. Change, this is better for you and me, but if you don't...

    In any case she imitated these couples to a degree, and very quickly things improved. But she had to be open enough to watch the four videos and change her ways.
     
  8. SexyScorp

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    CL and I ..... much in common....

    Excuse my cynicism....but I have been around too long to get turned on by someone that has to "learn' how to change.....its almost like having to explain ones sense of humour...that would turn me off to be honest....sorry...!!!

    For the said lady (if I may be so bold) and myself......we really need a guy who is just NATURALLY.........horny, sexually experienced and doesnt need to be SHOWN!!!!

    We probably need a lover or two........not a husband who may become predictable and take us for granted...

    What do you say CL....

    Hey?

    :)
     
  9. Barbwire

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    I'm thinking that humans are like all of the other apes, they are not meant to mate for life or stay with one partner at a time.
     
  10. The Mistress

    The Mistress New Member

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    I second that.
     
  11. SexyScorp

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    Yes i agree...

    But how many have the courage or the balls to admit it....and yet judge others for speaking out...as long as they "appear" married, then all is okay....what bullshit!!!

    God I fecking hate hypocrisy!!!!
     
  12. cbrmale

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    This is quite true, something I realised many years ago. And then I post I cheated on my wife and somebody called Heelfetish said I should have done the 'right' thing and ended it! Why? We aren't designed for one person for life!

    My theory is that there are layers to a relationship, and you are doing well if you get all the elements together. Sometimes the sex layer doesn't work terribly well, but the rest of the relationship is really good. Then you have some decisions. Can you improve the sex? Can you tolerate it? Do you get good sex from someone else? Do you leave?

    Decisions, decisions.
     
  13. Elvis

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    How many people are completely satisfied with all aspects of their partner in a relationship?
    It's not easy to find perfection, so we all need to make adjustments if possible.
    I doubt there have been many perfect relationships in this world, there has to be some give and take?
     
  14. SexyScorp

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    My father was with my ma for 57 years.....he claimed they were in love until her death last year....

    That generation were at times unable to express their true feelings and often lived in denial...."as long as it all looked okay on the surface" type of vibe!

    I know she bored the feck out of him because he felt the need to engage in confrontational and aggressive conversations with others...

    She didnt do it for him THAT way, and I doubt sexually either, from what he hints.....

    But they had 57 glorious years together...

    lol
     
  15. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    On the marriage concept more seem to fail than work...even arragnged marriages tend to fail alot...two people love each other they run out of things to say at the time, marriage comes t omind ( something that can keep the convosations running for a good while ahead...


    Me im not keen on the marriage as to me its just a pice of paper, im not religeous so i dont see the need, as it complicates matters, and slowly ebbs away at the love side

    I would much prefer to love and live together wit hno actual certificate stating to the gov and anyone else that we are in love....the only 2 people it should truely matter to are those 2 that love each other....

    Weddings as i see them, realy seem to put a great deal of unneeded pressure on a relationship and can have heavy consiquenses because of it.

    To those that are married....would you still be with your partner if you didnt have that slip of paper or ring on your finger ?
    Just a question
    Did the actual marriage make your love for one another stronger ?
     
  16. SexyScorp

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    Isnt it two out of three marriages that break down and end these days....

    Doesnt that statistic talk for itself...

    No Kronnie, I was happier before I was married to my man....we were together for 10years before we wed...

    I think for some, marriage is becoming an "outdated" concept....

    And many do it quite unconsciously, often due to conditioning and having the belief that it is "the thing to do"....

    From a woman that has been mad enough to do it thrice!
     
  17. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Ekkkk slow learner huh Sexy :p...
    Im teasing ya lol....
    But wow 3 marriages ....im yet to have a first, and i doubt i ever will.. i do prefer love to a piece of binding paper ...
     
  18. SexyScorp

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    Yes K you are right a very slow learner lol

    I met a woman at the theatre who held a very different perception she referred to me as "ever the optimist" haha..!!

    Apparently I am fated to learn through the partner...hence the resemblance to the lifestyle of Lizzy Taylor (that is my nickname from my Dad)...

    lol
     
  19. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I was only pulling your leg Scorp :)
    :p :p :p

    Maybe from your 3 marriages you are learning more things from each one..
    Id sure say you were an optimist for trying 3 times :)
    Another way is at least 3 people wanted to marry you lol, none have wanted to marry me hehehe
     
  20. SexyScorp

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    Oh Kronnie....THOUSANDS have wanted to marry me....LOL....

    ...but only three got lucky hahaha or should that be unlucky...

    and yes I am and have learned much...

    that men and women are very very different

    :)