Single parents & dating

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by HotForHoney, Apr 17, 2014.

  1. HotForHoney

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    Would you date someone you couldn't see introducing your child/ren to?

    I don't want to parade men in and out of my sons life. But he has time with his dad so I can date with it affecting him.

    I probably haven't met the guy I'd want to be a step-dad. I met a guy, doubt he'd be a step-dad. As long as I'm honest with him, it's ok, right?


    Please add your thoughts/stories....
     
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  2. GreyGoose

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    When I first met my SO she had a 6 year old and I understood her not wanting to bring me into his life until it was right. That made me respect her more
     
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  3. lbushwalker

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    Simple answers is yes!
     
  4. Serkan0000_

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    My wife have two kids( adopted ones) from her first marriage!they are with us like 10 years now!I married her,and have two twins after!I am crazy in love with her,and fuck her like mad man every day,so be confident,out there it is some one prepare and ready for you two!By the way how is your boy spelling?How about my one?:)
     
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  5. 10_3XL

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    I cannot speak from a parent's perspective, but I can provide a child's view. I grew up in a divorced family situation from the time I was about 10 years old on so I do know a bit about this...

    It's rough for a kid to see Mom & Dad suddenly apart and with other people. It goes against what we are taught by society about how relationships (marriage, parenthood, etc) work. Because it can be very difficult for a child, I feel it would be a very good idea to try and screen potential partners so that only those up to/suitable for Meeting The Kid(s) are selected.

    Now, I'm not saying that you can't date others, but for the kids it would be a good idea to do the above mentioned "screening" - simply so they do not have a more challenging time with Mom/Dad having a new partner than they are already bound to have. Also keeping the relationships played down and not thrust in the child's face unless you are truly, honestly, and completely serious about your new partner would be a good move.

    Hope this helped... :)
     
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  6. HotForHoney

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    I think my son wants a step dad. We were talking about a guy friend I had in college and he asked if he was my boyfriend. Then he came up with a list of qualities my next boyfriend should have.
    1. No stinky feet
    2. Taller than me, about the size of daddy 6'1"
    3. Job/car
    4. 1-2 boys around his age
    5. He can be married (which I said no and explained why not.
    6. Has to play w my son
    7. And my personal favorite: he has to hug good bc there are different types of liking someone and he shouldn't hurt me :)
     
  7. JonJo

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    I've thought long and hard about this, in fact a large part of the night, having experienced something similar but different (contradictory maybe) but the facts/outcome might be the same.
    H4H as asked for stories so I will give mine after my answers.
    Date for fun - Yes.
    You are young, you need fun and should have it. In this scenario there is no need to tell your son anything. Going out when his dad has him, no problem; going out week-night leaving him with a sitter and he asks - "mommy's going out with a friend", no lie.

    Start a 'full -blown' relationship - No.
    With this you have to be very sure.
    Not without telling the guy your situation and getting his feelings on the subject. If he is OK with it then introduce him gradually into you kid's life and see his/their reaction; if there's any great dislike it isn't likely to get better. If this stage goes OK then try to explain to the kid that this is mommy's 'new best friend' - definitely not that he is "going to have a new daddy"; the kid already has a daddy and at his time of life, which can be confusing enough with all the other things he is learning, this can be super stressful.
    When he tells his real daddy what is going on how is he going to react and this may also be direct at the kid if its negative.
    A slight warning, which you probably don't need but which I will give anyway: I saw from one of your posts that you go on dating sites - it is becoming more & more recognised that these sites are used as 'hunting sites' by paedophiles to find single women with kids, who gradually through their moms they can eventually meet and whilst apparently paying attention to the mom surreptitiously groom the child.
    JonJo's story:
    While my wife was alive we had very good friends, J & A who had two kids, R & S; R the boy was 9 & S was 13. Two months after my wife was killed A died suddenly and at 31 J was left a widow. She moved into a smaller older property and due to our friendship, a kindred loss, my hobby of woodworking and knowledge of electrics and building work I, 100% platonic, helped her do the place up (re-model?). This took over two years (during which I was in relationships) and I got to know and like the kids and they me; with the familiarity of kids they always called me ****, which I liked. Sometimes to get away from the work we would just go out for days together and very often we where mistaken for a family, if I was mistaken for the dad the kids even found this funny and went along with it. J said that having a man's company was good for R and I was able to help S with her school work. About 18 months into the work J said she and the kids needed a break but with the costs of the work she couldn't afford it; I had the full de-luxe camping gear and suggested that they used it to go camping. J wasn't sure that she could handle it so I said I would go with them for a couple of days to settle them in (the tent had 3 double bedrooms) and I took them up to Loch Lomond, where I had my boat moored. I did tell my then gf and went with her approval. The couple of days were such fun that I phoned my office, cleared my calender and stayed with them for two weeks, during which time I taught R & S how to water ski - I was their very best friend. By chance a few months later a business associate mentioned his property in Cyprus was free and I asked if they would like to go - if J needed any persuasion the kids didn't. At the end of that holiday I was definitely their very very best friend.
    In all this time I had never thought of a relationship with J, just the opposite, because she had complained a few times how men seemed to think that a young widows was 'easy prey' and I didn't even want to give her the slightest suggestion that I was that type.
    Cut to the chase: One night after we'd taken the kids to their grandparents for the weekend, stopped for a quiet meal on the way back, as I said "goodnight", out of the blue J said "you don't need to go home" (I only lived 3 minutes away) a bit shocked I looked and saw the 'message' in her eyes and realised that I felt the same. By the end of that weekend we had even been to look at properties and looked forward to picking the kids up to give them the 'good news' - which was met by stony silence.
    The next few times I saw them their attitude had completely changed to the extent that both J and I were worried about it and I said that I'd stay away until she had found out why.
    Reason there was no way that **** could be their new dad - and even worse, as they were at the age when they knew about such things, sleep with their mom, their old bestist friend sleeping with their mom, disgusting.
    From then on the relationship deteriorated until in the end it was impossible to continue in any way - it could neither go forwards and it was impossible to go back.
    Don't know if there is the slightest iota in there of any help - but that's it.
     
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  8. backcheck64

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    The goal is to marry for life, but if that doesn't work out, keep them isolated till it's serious. You're lucky, my son at 6 would want to see his transcripts, financials, and be sure he could support his hockey playing. My son is weird.
     
  9. HotForHoney

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    Guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree! (Sorry but you left yourself open to that one)!

    I appreciate the advice.

    Ps my son puts ketchup on apples
     
  10. backcheck64

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    My son has fries on his ketchup.
     
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  11. ginger

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    Just for the record / and just in case ;)

    1. Nope
    2. Check I am 6'1
    3. Yep have both :)
    4. Hope he likes girls?
    5. Not Married yet
    6. Yep Im a big kid
    7. No one hugs better than me

    :D
     
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  12. backcheck64

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    I was just thinking, why would your son mention "Job/car". Have you dated jobless losers with no wheels? Aside from a homeless bum, who doesn't have a job and car , unless you're living in NYC. Just a strange thing, at least to me. You can't live here without a car.
     
  13. sandwich

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    I have been reading this thread and didn't think I had anything to contribute, but it occurred to me that the answer is always "yes" no matter what. The reason I say this is that you can't know for sure when you first meet someone if they would be someone you would wish at some point to introduce to your children, so by default, you are in the "yes" category because you would be going into the dating situation knowing they may turn out to be unsuitable for such a meeting. That being said, I suppose there are those who never intend to introduce their dates to kids. If you hope to remarry at some point, then I don't see a problem either way because you never know what might develop between you and another person.
     
  14. Alwayslearningsex

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    Someone I don't want my kids to meet = sex, play only, and both agree on not getting attached.
    I would not call it dating, and no I would not date such a person.

    If you have desires for someone, it's normal. It's your thing to go for it or forget it, just take your precautions, not just condoms-wise.
    You being honest, excellent. Hope he is honest too.