Sigh..what went wrong here?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Halogen, Dec 7, 2007.

  1. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    So last night me and The Boyfriend had a fight. A big one.

    It all started last night around nine. I thought of a great idea to light candles, put on some scandalous underpants, and give him a sassy back massage for all the snow shoveling he did earlier in the evening.

    While he was in the shower, I got this all set up. I was really..enthusiastic, so I kept saying "come on, get out of the shower already!! :)" - in a really chipper way. He'd respond "Why? What's the big hurry? Let me shower in peace!" Um, ooookay. I should've taken that as a clue that my idea wouldn't work, but I was determined to plug ahead.

    So I led him into the bedroom, where the candles were lit, and disrobed. He said "Oh. Nice." - Again, my "in the mood" meter took another nosedive, but dammit, i was wanting this night to be special.

    We started kissing on the bed, and he kept stopping to say just really dumb things. Like "Oh, we're missing Scrubs!" or "I wonder where this bruise on my foot is from?" - it's like WTF? So I finally called off the romance. I said I wasn't in the mood, and put my normal clothes back on. I told him I was tired and going to bed.

    Suddenly, it was my fault. I "lost the mood" and "wrecked everything" by calling a halt to the festivities.

    Somehow we got on to a heated discussion. I told him he is NEVER interested in finding out what pleases me, and is completely self centered. Seriously - I've tried showing him more than once how to use his fingers or the vibrator on me, and every time, he's given up halfway through and said "I can't do this! I don't know what I'm doing. Nevermind." Usually, I just say okay and we have sex. I finally told him that I was sick of his bullshit.

    Seriously, it seems like I'm always doing things for him, and I never get it in return. I'm not even talking sexually. I challenged him, last night, to name one thing he did this past week WITHOUT complaining. He couldn't. I could, though! So far this week I've:

    -washed and dried his work uniform, took it to him at work, and also bought him soda for work

    -went out during a hellacious ice storm so he could have some snacks and quarters to wash HIS OWN clothes

    -I borrowed my parents' van so he could move his futon that he bought (of course, he yelled at me for being "late" to the store - even though they weren't closing anytime soon

    -Made venison spaghetti so he could have something to eat after work.

    And I don't MIND doing any of those things! But he never does anyhting for me. Ever. ANd when he does, it comes with a big complaining session.


    Okay! Those of you who have made it this far..congrats! :lol Any advice or criticism is welcome! I'm open to anything :)
     
  2. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    ...aaand now he hung up on me. Nice!
     
  3. Hertoy

    Hertoy New Member

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    Kick him to the curb!! No respect! Plus he does not want to learn how to please you! I would definatly sign up for that class!!
     
  4. slamd097

    slamd097 New Member

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    wow that is long...
     
  5. Dreama

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    Everyone has fights, hun. I know it seems like crap now, but there are things you love him for. Keep those close to your heart. And, if after a few days, he doesn't stop being such a child, you might need re-evaluate the reasons that you're with him. Good luck to you, hun!
     
  6. Goldenlion

    Goldenlion Banned

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    Dreama is right, fights happen all the time, i've just had one now with my gf.
    You need to wait and cool off, i know its hard to wait but sometimes its the best thing to do.
    Once you've both cooled off, try talking about it all. Your obviously bothered and annoyed by the above. He obviously doesnt understand that. So you need to try talk to him.
    Remember people get defensive when you start criticizing so try to over look anything he says which you dont like, keep calm and listen to his points too. Hopefully with some thought out communication you can solve this quite easily and make your relationship stronger. If thats what you want.
    Good luck!
     
  7. Bluesy

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    Wow. Well, I'd say that was incredibly emotionally immature behavior on bf's part, from beginning to end. I kinda wondered if his behavior might be a passive/aggressive response to something you said or did earlier...but this simply does not bode well for future happiness:
    If this is how he typically responds to frustration, getting angry and shrugging off responsibility when things seem too difficult, this pattern is going to repeat itself ad naseum in your relationship over the years, and it's only going to get more annoying and even more difficult to tolerate. Keep that in mind, small problems early on in a relationship will invariably become big problems later on.

    ETA: Just wanted to add that that sort of response, getting angry when frustrated, usually goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem issues. It's not like an inherent personality flaw, it can be worked on, but he has to take the initiative in cultivating a healthier self-esteem.
     
  8. Barbwire

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    Correct me if I'm wrong, Halogen, but you two have been dating for a relatively short period of time and have recently moved in together, right? Perhaps, things moved too fast and he's feeling a bit panicy and put out but doesn't know how to tell you.

    When I had dated my husband for just a few short months, he talked me into quitting my job and moving in with him. Within two months or so, we were at each other's throats, and I ended up moving back out. We just moved too fast and it strained our relationship.

    Perhaps you and your b/f need to rethink your living arrangements?
     
  9. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    Er..thanks?

    Thank you. I realize he's had a bad week, but lately i've just been noticing a pattern..

    It's hard to cool off sometimes! I still get angry when I think about it, :)

    He DOES have really low self esteem, sexually. And it bothers me, but I think you're right - some of the stuff he pulls IS passive-agressive.

    We've been going out a year. Maybe the living arrangements do need to be thought out? We barely see each other now..but I do feel like now that I live there, I'm going a lot more, getting up earlier, etc. Maybe it's getting to be too much? :(
     
  10. cbrmale

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    I'm often the one with the psychological advice, but in this instance I think your boyfriend is lazy and selfish. By 'sex' I take it you mean intercourse (to me sex is everything from the time the door closes to the time we've had enough), so he's getting what he wants (intercourse and his orgasm) while you don't seem to be getting what you want.

    The other thing is that your age is 25, if your boyfriend is similar in age then he should know better and he should act better. I am sure that many on the forum will remember when they were 25, and while men don't always have their mature emotional personna totally developed by that age, he should be mature most of the time with only irregular bursts of regressive childish behaviour when he is frustrated.
     
  11. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    It looks as though your timing was off. When I say timing I mean you were in the 'mood' but you expect him to be in the mood too. There is a stereotypical image that men are always in the mood for sex but in reality that is not true. From the sounds of it he might have been tired from shoveling or was looking to having some quiet time before going to bed. Does it make his refusal to have sex right? No. Timing is one of those things that couples sometimes miss.

    After reading your posting two things does stand out. The first is are you doing too much for him and he is relying on you as a caretaker? Meaning he does not see you so much as a girlfriend but someone who will do all of those 'nasty' things for him like: washing clothes, cooking for him once he gets home, and meets every need that he has. Are you doing these things because he has asked you? Are you doing them be you feel he expects you to do them? Are you doing them because you believe this is something you should be doing? I guess what I am trying to get at is this might explain a part of the shower response and lack of interest.

    Another issue I am wondering, based on your posting, is if there is not some type of underlying tension / anger occurring. Meaning do the two of you avoid conflict to the point it builds up and then release it by having a big fight instead of communicating about your issues as they come up? Reading your posting I am wondering if the two of you are building up to a fight and this incident is going to be something that kindles it.

    Relationships are not easy and it is not always easy to understand what motviates your partner. My recommendation would be talk to him and find out what is going on with him. Otherwise I feel you may be heading for a fight.
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Without observing you both together, it's hard to say what triggered what to be honest. (Not that I'm a psychologist or anything...but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night. Not.)

    His behavior as you described it strikes me as very immature, selfish, and somewhat disrespectful. I gather you are the more laid-back one in the relationship? I just see being berated by someone for simple things (like being late to bring him a van...Jeez, he should appreciate that you went to the trouble rather than chewing you out for being late...that would piss me off too!) And maybe he did have a hard week...you should definitely take that into consideration. However, you also have to consider that if he vents on you when he has a hard week...well, if you're with him for the long-term, you're going to see the him dumping on you after quite a few hard weeks. If this is what he normally does after a "hard week", then expect that behavior to continue long-term, and decide whether it's something you can live with or not.

    Someone mentioned above that small issues now become big issues later...that is absolutely true IMO. The frustration you are feeling now will be the same frustration you feel 10 years from now, only it will be 10-fold as exasperating then. People essentially do not change...some folks mature as they get older, some folks get more childish unfortunately.

    After you are over your anger, sit him down and talk to him about all of it. Try to get him to open up, and tell you what is on his mind. Put covers over your own buttons so you don't respond negatively if he pushes your buttons, and try to talk in an unaccusing and positive way. If you sit there and list all of his faults to him, you'll get nowhere, and probably end up in another argument. It's OK to ask for things from him, but do it with sugar rather than vinegar, if that makes sense.

    Do you feel "emotionally safe" with this dude? Does he feel emotionally safe with you? Figure that out first...if you don't feel it, then you might want to at least question why you are with him and/or figure out how to get you both to that state.