Should i stay a virgin?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Godiva, Aug 3, 2010.

  1. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    All my life I've wanted to save myself for marriage.

    Now that I'm all grown up, I'm thinking harder about whether or not this is just a fairytale fantasy tradition and couldn't possibly work in real life without potential troubles. I know the main reasons for divorce is money and sex...so i don't want to even risk us breaking up.

    I am against marriage, i do not want children (ever), and the only reason for me to get married would solely be for sex and being dedicated with that person forever. I don't believe in divorce, a promise is a promise!

    I have a few questions and fears.
    Are some people physically incompatible purely based on body shapes and sizes? Or is the vagina malleable enough to accept any shape?

    I'm scared he won't be able to give me pleasure or I to him- and I'd hate for that to be a petty reason to leave him even though it's both a very big part of who we are (we're both very randy people!)

    I realize that good sex takes love and practice. If i try it out at the honeymoon that's almost guaranteed to be bad sex, and might make me upset. If i try before, it might put me off him a bit. Or if it's good make me feel more wholly dedicated to saying "I do!"

    Can any incompatibilities be worked out? Or only some or most?

    These are my arguments for and against:

    FOR:
    INCREDIBLY romantic and poetic-I love the thought that my husband received such a gift on our most special day and remains to be the only human I'll ever have that deep a connection with.
    No fears of pregnancy...STIs (for the most part, i know on rare occasions people can catch things from public toilets etc...)

    AGAINST:
    What if we are not sexually compatible? Sex is very important to me. I'd hate to be stuck with him forever if we couldn't fix things.
    I am willing to marry him sooner than I'd like just to have sex, potentially marrying the wrong person or moving at a premature pace.

    I'm quite confused...I'm having my own high libido cloud my thoughts (I'm thinking i should try before i buy now-but only after we are engaged officially- i told him he can't ask me until we've been together a year).

    I always thought i could sleep with him a few months before the wedding, but then i wouldn't want to marry him anymore, because the only reason I'll marry is for sex. As I don't want to be trapped with someone unnecessarily (just in case it doesn't work as i refuse to divorce unless it's dangerous). I know it sounds bad but i was raised very religious and i can't bring myself to have sex before marriage. But i don't want to be stuck in a terrible marriage with bad sex.

    I'm CONFUSED!
    Help me please! I know ultimately it will be my own decision, but I'd like to hear some opinions and points please :)
     
  2. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    You blame reigious reasons for not having sex but you don't apply that to the true meaning of marriage. Marriage is much more than that, it is a joining together, of sharing your life with someone, good times and bad times. You need to get your feelings of marriage straightened out before it is too late. It is not normal or healthy to not have sex in your life ever, and with your views on marriage, it is not fair to the young man to marry him. If you have doubts if the sex is good or bad, the ONLY way to find out for sure is to have it and find out. Good luck!

     
  3. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Lucky, i obviously know that you need to spend forever with them and love them. All I'm saying is that you can do that without a signed wedding certificate. But to me it seems morally wrong to sleep with more than one person ever, and it seems pointless to get married if your wedding night isn't going to be that special day in your life where you let a man get that close to you to share your last night as a virgin.

    He knows how i feel about marriage. I'm a bit of a feminist. I'm thinking i should just have sex with him...but I'm scared I'm going to regret it and feel like a slut, even though i know I'm not, but the way i've been raised and how strict my parents are, i can see myself getting all depressed that i didn't wait. My main argument is, if i marry him and the sex is bad I'm stuck with that, but if i try it first and leave him because of bad sex, that just seems shallow to me. Is love enough? The curiosity is killing me.

    I do love him and i do want to spend forever...I've been raised with my parents hating each other and i just fear it so much i don't want what they have- they can't divorce too for religious reasons.

    I know i sound screwed up and i am. But my mother lectures me everyday not to have sex and i agree with her, but if it's going to make me marry someone before i know I'm sure i want to spend forever with him, then i think religion is very unhealthy.
     
  4. cbrmale

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    As a man who married a virgin, albeit we had sex during our engagement, it isn't really a gift at all. Women have just as much right to be sexual as us men, and that's the way most men see it these days. Your future husband will have had sex with a number of women, some of whom will be very experienced. He will, of course, be as gentle as he can for your first time, but he won't be expecting anything more than what plays out.

    Most likely being Australian like you, he will have had several partners or more, and you should benefit from this. He will know what to do. But you also will have to catch up to him, which isn't easy. I know, I have been there with my wife.

    Pregnancy is easy to avoid: my wife and I relied on the birth control pill for 11 years and sex about 2,000 times with two children, both planned. The 2,000 times in those 11 years (now more than 4,000 times over 24 years), should put into perspective the relative lack of importance of virginity. Sex 6,000 times in a lifetime, or more?

    My daughter summed it up when we were talking the other week about her boyfriend. She didn't know what the fuss was about, which is how I felt about my first time too.

    You really, truly run the risk of marrying the wrong person or moving too fast. This was a big problem in my parent's generation, and less of a problem now. My wife, at 24, was a sexual timebomb waiting to go off. She couldn't have waited any longer; it was almost beyond her.

    It's best to try sex out with your fiancee before marriage, but being a virgin, engagement sex wouldn't give you the answer you seek. You will be too inexperienced to do much more than go along for the ride for quite a while. Good sex takes a lot of practice, a lot of experience, and the resulting confidence that this brings. And then you can work out if you are getting on.

    Actually, almost any couple can have good sex, it isn't that hard. What matters is to have matched libidos and to be unselfish. Also, the desire to learn, the desire to experiment, the desire make sex fresh and invigorating each and every time.
     
  5. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    This is quite a controversial subject still. I know a 29-year old woman at my work who is saving herself up for marriage and religious reasons, and I know another woman who has a different boyfriend every two weeks.

    Both women are great people and I judge neither of them on their own particular lifestyle choice.

    Personally I tend to find that sex is an essential element in personal growth, and I'm not sure that waiting with sex until marriage is a particularly good idea. I knew a 30+ year old women who recently lost her virginity. She's now regretting all those lost years where she could have been having a lot of fun and intimacy.

    My fear for women (or men) who wait until marriage is that they have less coping mechanisms should the sex not be all that great. And you've also signed an agreement to be with each other more or less forever (especially if you married for religious reasons). Whether we like it or not, sexual compatibility is extremely crucial for a happy and balanced marriage.

    Unfortunately many women experience guilt from the idea of enjoying sexual pleasure for itself. Some women feel it should have a purpose i.e. children or lead to a more committed relationship. Others feel it makes them slutty. (I don't believe in sluts - it's usually a term coined by those who are jealous or have little life experience). It's a shame that women feel like this. It's one of the few remaining barriers to female emancipation.

    Anway, my views are biased. I enjoy sex so, of course, I will promote it. I do recognise that there is such a thing as 'bad' sex, where the other feels used and regrets having sex with a particular person. A classic example of this is when a man seduces a woman into bed with him and then is dismissive towards her afterwards. I really like women, and I feel that men who do this are kind of saying that women are good for sex and nothing else (which I heartily disagree with).

    Anyway, having given up on organised religion I'm probably not the best person to give advice or help. At the end of the day it's up to you to do what you feel best. As it says in the good book: 'Nothing is a sin unless you decide it is' [sic]

    If you're really curious, yet you really don't want to have sex with another person yet, maybe sex toys would be a good alternative - that and maybe a good woman-friendly 'art' film.
     
  6. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    Organized religion has screwed many a person up. Most religions were developed as a means to control the masses and while I am religious to a degree myself, I have to agree with cbrmale and Markpatrick in their responces. You are going to have to make a choice at some point. My first wife was a virgin when i married her and the marriage did not work out. My second wife and we have been married 32 years, was not, she would not speep around but when she was in serious relationships she made love, and she was very catholic with strict upbringing. So when we met and fell in love, we both had experience and the sex was great and we have lasted a long time now. You can have a long relationship without a marriage certificate but it is not the same as making the commitment official. Meanwhile you both are sexually frustrated and apparently unhappy.
     
  7. TheHornenator

    TheHornenator New Member

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    I feel like the bottom line is whatever the reasons on the issue for virginity, and this should be obvious to everyone in this discussion. My message to the poster, is due what you feel is best for yourself both mentally an physically if you feel you are ready go ahead if not for whatever reason don't.
     
  8. Squeak

    Squeak New Member

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    I'm not against marriage or anything, but how is it different? If you're in a loving, committed relationship, how is having a paper filed in a courthouse somewhere make it better or worse? You're still the same people, with the same ups and downs other couples have.

    It's same argument for saving yourself for marriage, which I think is kind of silly, in my opinion. Only because that piece of paper filed in a courthouse gives you permission to have sex? Ehh...no thank you. Maybe for other people, not for me.
     
  9. HardRocker

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    True, "committed" is the operative word there. For some people, having made their vows in front of God binds them tighter. I got married in a church, but the truth is, to me, a promise is a promise no matter who or what you have as a witness.
     
  10. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    cbrmale - I am with a man whom i think i want to marry. I've wanted to marry him for nearly a year while we were still friends but i've only been with him romantically for 7 months. I wrote on a paper what i want in a man. he has everything. His appearance though isn't what i planned but it's not bad at all ;). Point is, he is all i want, so i'm not being irresponsible. He has only slept with one other woman, and less than 100 times with her for sure. So he is a novice himself, she wouldn't let him try anything other than millitary (personal reasons i wont share it's not my place). He actually wants to wait for marriage more than me- he is old fashioned but not "unhorny!!!" we have matching libido's. I can't go on the pill or any method that is taken orally. I could try IUDs or injectable forms. I haven't looked into it because we are not having sex yet or soon.

    I fericiously want the wedding night to be the first time i have sex, but i don't want to marry him if we don't match in the sack or if we can't please each other!

    I told him i dont want to marry him soon, at least after 2013 when we will have graduated so can get "real jobs". Then we have a stable foundation to start a future together. I can feel myself break atm, so it seems i'll have to loose it a bit earlier, but if it works well i wouldn't have a problem marrying him.

    We've practised moves fully clothed, i know it isn't the same, but i still think i have way more tricks up my sleeve than his ex!!! I think we both have those things that matter which will make sex good. My main concern is that i wont be tight enough for him, judging by my grip he is at just 9cm thick (3.5inches). I read that is pretty much the limit. I know i hang on the edge a lot when he fingers me, and i it's PAINFULLY frustrating to tense up for so long, i don't want sex to be like that... That is my biggest fear, that we both won't feel much. He said with his ex he didn't feel much. But i'm a virgin so i think i have a one up on that.


    marcpatrick- i'm only 22 so i don't feel i'm missing out on anything yet, i don't beleive young people can have good sex as they are incapable of a true love, and that is what i've read makes sex the best.

    Why does inexperience give you less coping mechanisms if the sex is bad? isn't a willingness to learn and try what's important?

    I would feel slutty. I would. I can't deny it.

    I have too turned away from faith but i still can't fight this one off. It makes sence to wait until marriage. It would prevent a lot of illness and unwanted pregnancies. It makes sence to save it for one person but it would inhibit personal growth too...

    Sex toys is out of the question, because i want him to be the first thing inside me! (that might be silly but i don't care!)

    lucky- I'm not unhappy i'm just frustrated...he is fine. I'm probably more randy than him. I see your point. it's something i need to develope for myself to not feel guilty. My mind is definately saying to try it before i buy it, the heart is saying it shouldn't matter and to wait! It's a battle of the mind and heart!

    thehornenator- that's the thing, i'm confused so i'm seeking advice from personal experiences and wisdom from you guys. I've read stuff but i'm still puzzled. The bf wants to wait until marriage even though he has slept with someone else previously. I want to try it before i buy it yet save it for the wedding night...i can't choose! Why can't i have a guarentee it will rock, then i CAN wait!

    aqueak- i agree! i'm kinda against marriage because many get divorced, i don't want to, but you can have the same thing without signing a contract! And if it doesn't work out it's a bit simpler to go back to life as normal and not having to deal with divorce papers. That's a valid and good point. I guess the fact that people have signed something gives them that extra push to work hard at it, a mind trick. So i guess it's like saying "I'll only make love to you" ??

    harkrocker- that's true. Religon can do great things (and some not so great)
     
  11. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Well, Godiva, it sounds like you are determined to remain a virgin until your wedding night. I am sure you will experience some difficulty at keeping your feelings towards your fiance under control, but you seem like a very strong-willed person.

    Just hang in there and I'm sure your wedding night will be extremely explosive :)
     
  12. Trond

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    I agree with you that women have as much right to be sexual as men, BUT the notion that sex is a gift from the woman to the man is very persistent (women often refuse to have sex when they are 'unhappy' with their men. The opposite sounds a bit ridiculous, although I am sure it happens).
     
  13. HardRocker

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    Be sure you know what you are talking about about breaking up after playing house together. Many states invoke a common law marriage status if couples have lived as a married couple for some time, but without a marriage license. The divorce can be just as nasty.
     
  14. cbrmale

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    Not in Australia.
     
  15. cbrmale

    Gold Member

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    The thing is that until you have a lot of sex with a few partners, especially experienced partners, you really can't judge the sex you are having with your first partner, especially in its early stages. And many have posted here in the past that they went through something like you and met someone and the sex was okay or good, and then they had sex with someone else and only then did they know the difference!

    Some aspects of sexual compatibility over the longer-term are mostly what I listed. The most important sex organ is the mind, and what you do with it. The most important thing is to keep sex fresh and alive and sparkling, despite having sex thousands and thousands of times with the same partner (no easy challenge is that).
     
  16. HardRocker

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    Oops, my bad.
     
  17. Dragon_Fire

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    A long term live in partner is entitled to the same rights regarding property and such as a married partner, we just don't have to go through a divorce when we separate.
     
  18. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Marc- I'm not so determined anymore. I have decided to not go to his house until i am in a better less randy state of mind, because atm i would definately jump him. But if i put my mind to it i can be VERY strong!

    Trond- I didn't mention that the man shouldn't save himself for his wife also. He can give her that gift also. A 5 second gift ;).

    I kinda see benefits in waiting...
    health benefits (not as many years for contraceptives to be cycling in the blood stream, less cahnce of getting an STI, no abortions etc)
    I can see the romantic benefits, to know that you only shared yourself that much with one man and knowing he isn't comparing you to any other women because he had none himself and he can relax that you aren't comparing him to the men before him.
    It would suck if both partners weren't willing to work on making it as good as possibly and spicing it up with toys later on. The way i see it, the longer sex is put off the more exciting it will be with the partnet of choice! (because it will be something new, only experienced with them).

    So i guess the gift would be health and not to worry about being compared, and being thought of as important enough to wait...but you could argue, that people who slept around, were gaining insight on how to make sex as pleasurable as possible for the other partner and perfecting technique- but practise and communication to that one chosen partner should sort this out wouldn't it?

    HardRocker- I don't see a break up in future. I truely believe he is hte one for me, but i am young, and we havn't moved in quite yet. I'm taking it slow until i feel it deeper within me that we are perfect together after a long time of being together. I'm not ready to fly the coop just yet! And i understand that break ups are messy regardless if paper work is involved, and a broken heart hurts just as much-signiture or not. I've been a bit feminist my whole life and i don't like the idea of signing a contract...

    cbrmale- as i said, if i have nothing to compare it to, and i just know that it feels good, and we try new things, i'd rather not know what i'm missing out on...then sleep with someone and have the best time of my life in bed, but be with a man who didn't understand me as well, or cared for me as much. I'd willingly compromise that. I mainly fear that i won't get enjoyment from it AT ALL. we're both very creative (especially me) and willing to do new things and communicate about what we like.
     
  19. cbrmale

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    Most men always get some form of enjoyment out of sex, but I'm not sure about the female perspective and whether or not it's possible to get no enjoyment at all. If it's someone you have strong feelings for, or even love, then I doubt it. Sex is much more than intercourse, and as was quite rightly pointed out, you have already been having sex. My wife and I have sex every few days, and it sometimes it's a brief half-hour (say 10 minutes of kissing and caressing and me performing oral sex until she orgasms, then 10 minutes of intercourse, and then 10 minutes after). Sometimes we spend much longer, maybe a couple of hours, but intercourse will only be 20 minutes maximum. The rest is what makes sex special for us: to be close and intimate and enjoying one-another as it's meant to be.

    My wife does get a lot of pleasure out of intercourse though, and the rest is not as important to her as the ultimate closesness which a couple can achieve. This closesness, this intimacy, and the pleasure that comes from it cannot be described to a virgin. But when you experience it, you will know what I am trying to describe. So you will enjoy it, so don't try to over-analyse what you don't understand and can't comprehend.
     
  20. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    cbrmale, that was so well said! i just wish i had said that. You hit the nail on the head!