Should I forget her and move on ?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Tson56, Jul 7, 2004.

  1. Tson56

    Tson56 New Member

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    I wouldn't normally do this,but I just can't seem to figure this one out. My live-in g/f of 5 years and I split up about 2 months ago. I am having a terrible time of it and think she is too. (saw her last weekend) In explaining why we broke up,I'll say this....I came into the relationship about a year after my wife had died,and maybe didn't think clearly about weather she was the kindof women that I would normally be attracted to,but we did get along well and had fun together. We are pretty much opposites in most things,but still got along well. The more I think of it,the more I think she is probably my soul mate. The last two years have been rough on me financially,in that my business went bankrupt,and it was a very emotional ride for me. In those two years I neglected her terribly;emotionally,physiclly,and as a lover.
    Now that I've moved out and have had time to reflect on everything,I wonder if I haven't made a mistake. She does have a "new" boyfriend now,but think its more for the sex than a relationship. I have thought that if there was any chance of us getting back together that she has to make changes too. Am I wrong in thinking that ? Or should I just move on ? My heart is breaking,and I'm not sure I can move on. Any thoughts welcome.
     
  2. Frank Grimes

    Frank Grimes New Member

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    Wow Bud, sorry to hear about all the crap that's happened to you over the last few years.

    Before I read any of your post, I was going to tell you to move on because my thinking is that if you ask the question it's an easy enough question and you already know the answer. But your case is a tough one. It makes me wonder how tough it is on her if she's moved on to another relationship, including sex, in less than 2 months (how old are the two of you, btw?). I've gotten out of relationships that were a fraction of a fraction of 5 years, and it took me weeks to months to recover.

    My gut feeling is that it may be best for you to move on, make a break and start a new chapter in your life, but that's very easy for me to say that, as I don't have 5 years vested in the relationship.

    One last question: How long were you dating your first wife before you proposed to her? Was it a lot less than 5 years? If so, doesn't that tell you something?

    Best of luck in whatever you decide Tson. I hope that my thoughts are able to help you in some small manner.
     
  3. Tson56

    Tson56 New Member

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    Yes they have given me more to think about. Damnit. To answer your questions....I dated my first about a year before we got married. I'm 47 and ex g/f is 44. So maybe I should be old enough to know,but have never broke up this way before. The loss through death almost seems easier than this. As far as her already having a new man in her life is very understanding to me. She is a VERY sexual being and as I said,I was so terribally neglectfull of her for the last year. Is this just my fear of being alone or my fear of being without her? We remain friends but I don't know if we can live together,without us both changing a little. Most other people I know,including my family don't much care for her. So its hard to understand my attraction. I do know this is ripping my guts out though.
     
  4. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Tyson

    It is difficult to be loving when you are under stress. Have you ever heard of the Love Diet? Just calling my wife a few extra times a day, with sweet nothings, seems to make things go a lot better for us.

    http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010377#000006


    Have you ever heard of the concept of Standing? Standing is when One partner decides that the relationship should be saved. Couples sometimes have troubles. One partner sometimes doe not believe that things can get better. One partner may believe things can turn around, and continut ot be faithful and try to make the relationship come back together.

    Is there some reason your family does not like Her?

    My wife is a Scorpio, Strong Feelings, and I am an Aquarius, intellectul concerned with ideas. You say you are the oposit. In Astroogy, differences or conflicts can create interest and attraction. Have you ever taken a compatability test?


    Compatibiliby Test:

    http://www.enneagraminstitute.com Couple Compatability Test

    Drucilla Thread
    http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=020626;p=1#000001 Drucilla Thread on Eanneagram Copmpatiablity test


    If you decide to start over, how about http://www.swingersboard.com


    Blessings
     
    #4 Logger, Jul 7, 2004
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2004
  5. Tson56

    Tson56 New Member

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    Thanks Logger....what a wonderful post. I will check those links out very soon.
    She is a Leo and I'm a Libra. What insight can you give on that? She is very outspoken,meaning she says exactly whats on her mind. Some or most don't like that in a person. I,on the other hand find it refreshing.
    I guess my main point is that I know this was about 80% my fault,and am wondering outloud if feeling the way I do for her,that I should try to repair things between us?
     
  6. Yowsa

    Yowsa New Member

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    I see it a little differently.If she has already moved on to a new man then chances are it was over for her a long time ago. I know how bad you feel, been there more than once, but I think if you try to go back it will mean a world of heartache for you. If you are two months out now you are well into the feel bad time, and maybe you should just keep going instead of possibly starting the process all over again in the near future.
    Don't mean to be pessimistic, but that is my viewpoint.
    Peace.
     
  7. hurley

    hurley New Member

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    Tson,

    I maybe young, but maybe my thoughs might help. If you feel that you still have feelings for her, maybe talk to her and find out what she feels. Let her know your true feelings and see how she reacts. After reading what Yowsa said, he could also be right. But you wont know untill you talk with her and see how she sees everything. The guy she is with could also be a rebound. Hope you figure things out. Sorry to hear that your life got twisted like that. Hope it gets better for ya.
     
  8. Logger

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    Dear Tson,

    Yowsa may be correct, that your GF has moved on. But I have gotten a woman back, who was living with a man in another city. I Purchased an airline ticket, had it waiting for her, at the airport in her city, and wrote her a letter. She called, and I picked her up at the airport, when she arrived in my city. I still remeber the vision of her getting off the plane. I was just really amazed, and she said something like, "Well, what do you have to say? I'm here!" We had a relationship for several months until she dumped me. She told me that the guy she was living with in the other city could not believe it, that she left him when I wrote a fairly direct and simple letter, "Please come back, your airline ticket is waiting, call me."

    What is a possible plan to get your GF back, and still be halfway respectful to the other guy? Hurley says talk to her. I say, start applying the Love Diet, with sweet nothings more often.

    Leo is a strong sign, Fire and Fixed. The moon sign of the woman is imortant also. It is not expensive to have your charts done. You need to have your birth dates, and it is helpful to have your time and place of birth. Usually on your birth certificates. A comparison chart can let you know your challenges and your chemistry. Astrologers are in the yellow pages, and Astrology computer programs give you a wealth of information, even if the Astrologer is not the most talented.

    Libra is Air and Cardinal, which is Intellectual and somewhat flexible. But there is compatability there also. Libra and Leo are Sextile, which means good campatability. You might be more reserved and GF may be more brash. Leo may want to be in charge, but they are generally up front, and not sneaky. You may just have to smooth things over with family and friends once in a while, but Leo is not evil.

    I have been overly concerned about trying to be considerate of other guys RIGHTS to a girl, they are going with. I think I should have made a better effort to get a woman away from a guy, in several instances, but I hesitated. I regret now having given too much respect to the other guy. I now regret not having made a better plan.

    Blessings
     
  9. Tson56

    Tson56 New Member

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    Thanks to all of you for the fine comments. You have all helped me think a little clearer on different angles of the situation. I'm new to this whole breaking up thing.
    Especially when its been piled on top of all the other disasters in my life.
    The longer I'm a member of this board,the better it gets. There are so many friendly,helpfull people here.