Should I be mad about my b/f looking a porn online?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by shorty, May 7, 2006.

  1. shorty

    shorty New Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2006
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    My b/f and I have been together for about a year on and off. I recently moved in and he looks at porn on my computer all the time. (mostly lesbian porn) I asked him to stop but he still sneaks around behind my back and continues to look. I don't have a problem watching porn with him and I don't mind so much that he looks at it while I am not home but it really bothers me that he does it while I am in the other room or sleeping. If I am in the other room and he loves me and thinks I am beautiful then why does he have to look at other girls naked online? Why can't he come in and look at me instead? It makes me feel like I am not good enough for him and that in his mind there is something better out there. One of the reasons that it bothers me so much is because I have very small breasts. He says that he doesn't care about that but when he looks at other girls online it makes me think he is just saying that so that he doesn't hurt my feelings. Does anyone else think that this is wrong or am I just overreacting?
     
  2. phantom76

    phantom76 New Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2006
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Personally I think your over reacting a bit, if it's ok for him to watch porn with you then why not while your sleeping? Or why can he look at it while your out but not at home? That doesn't make sense to me but anyway about all you can do is just sit down and tell him from your heart how his looking at porn hurts you and makes you feel insecure. In the end though you may have to either learn to live with it, or leave
     
  3. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    I too think you need to be honest with him "from your heart" as phantom76 says. I think he should cut back on looking at porn during those times when you are not in the room and with him. Let him keep viewing it when you are away from home since you don't mind that. Sort of a compromise and you might try to work through the breast size thing in your mind at the same time. You might try searching sexual forums because there is a thread of two about breast size and most men actually prefer their women to "not" have huge breast.
     
  4. Brad

    Brad New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    342
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    England
    Hi Shorty

    Forgive me please if my reply is a bit straight to the point.

    Why do so many men look at porn? It is simply because they have access to it. It is because they can! Most men do and I would assert that most of those that say otherwise are being a little scarce with the truth.

    Men that look at porn do it for masterbatory relief. And that bears no reflection on you or his feelings for you in a normal healthy relationship. And whilst you didn't mention his age, porn is something that can get a bit boring after a while, which means he might grow out of the habit.

    Your boyfriend is however being a bit insensitive to this situation knowing that you have an issue with it.

    However, the big issue here I think is more about your feelings of insecurity.

    If your sex life with your boyfriend is good (which I assume it is), then honestly, you should not let it worry you. You should take a look in the mirror and think good things about yourself including your breasts whatever their size.

    As Thorn said, breast size is not an issue for most men. I agree.
    One of the most sexually attractive friends that I have, has very tiny breasts. She has the legs, the eyes, the ass, the personality to make men druel over her. She knows that and she loves it. And I love being in her company. She is such an exciting person to be with. That is so sexy.

    She also knows that her tiny breasts will look as pert and sexy in later years when most others will have sagging and droopy ones.

    So never put yourself down for having small breasts! Regard them as a big benefit!

    Focus upon the positive things about you, and I hope you will feel that this is an issue that can be put to bed.
     
  5. Jayce

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,228
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    PA
    I'm a male, and I look at porn quite frequently. I get NOTHING out of it, to be honest. It is a tool for me, a tool to help quickly get an erection, do my thing, and be done with it. When I'm done watching porn, I don't feel better/worse about myself, I just feel relieved. When I'm done getting down and dirty with my girlfriend, it's completely different.
     
  6. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    It is true what Brad said about porn becoming boring after a while. That's the way it is for me. I do it a few times and then leave it alone after a while. I really can live without it if I had to. I just do it because it's there, available and free.
     
  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    Re: Small breasts -

    Really, up until getting involved with this board, I was still a bit insecure about my breast size (I am small/medium). After reading what most men said on here, I started being proud of my boobs. Quite frankly, I had not even thought about the old age part - but, at 51, mine are still standing at attention, with no sign of fatigue ! ! So, I suggest doing a search on here, and reading what these very sexually alive men think about boob size.

    Re: porn -

    Try not to equate yourself with his porn viewing. To him, they are not even in related. Guys do enjoy looking alone, cuz they can feel the total freedom to release their fantasy-sex energy. They don't have to woo and coo, cuddle and snuggle, kiss and touch - not that they don't like that part of sex, but sometimes I think they just want to Wham-Bam, and he just doesn't look at you as that type of "object".
    Like others have said, as long as all other points of your relationship are good, just realize it's a "Men Are From Mars - Women Are From Venus" type of deal.
    jmho :)
    :rose
     
  8. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    That's a good point Rose because if I were to think of porn girls and guys as "normal status quo" I would have to feel insecure about my average size cock compared to the monster cocks in porn. Porn is not reality, out partners and out sex are real.
     
  9. Braithwaite

    Braithwaite New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2004
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    For the most part, I don't have a huge problem with a guy I'm dating looking at porn. I like Rose's point that to a guy, porn is not related to the girl they're with. But what I have a problem with is when a guy wants me to re-create what he's seen in porn. I don't mean things like trying out new positions; I mean when a guy wants me to act like the girls in porn and get really excited about things I'm not very excited about. Has that happened to anyone else?
     
  10. Acid7711

    Acid7711 New Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2006
    Messages:
    109
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree 100% with Brad. To me, most of the time, porn is just something to look at when there's nothing else to do. Yay, I'm bored, it's there, it doesn't even have to be sexual. It's something to pass the time. I honestly don't think it's a huge deal. I've seen the same thing happen with my friend and his gf, except his gf is the porn addict hah.
     
  11. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2003
    Messages:
    15,707
    Likes Received:
    1
    I agree with what everyone said.
     
  12. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    Perhaps 'acting' is not what you need to do. Perhaps what he really wants is just for you to be a bit more vocal during sex. Expressing yourself to him can be a big turn on. it does take practice though. And it will be hard for YOU to get used to hearing yourself during sex.
    Showing your excitement to your partner is an important part of sex. It makes your man feel like he's doing the right stuff to you. When he feels like that, he gets even more excited. That's what I've found through my experience, anyway.
     
  13. etexboy38

    etexboy38 New Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2006
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    E Texas
    Look at what he's looking at. THEN, put on a show for him. Turn off that tv. Come in with your straight clothes, not the attire women AND men wear now, all that high heel stuff, skimpy panties, thongs and such. YOU arouse him by coming in with whatever you wear and let him see a different side of him. It's a bit selfish of him watching this because you feel, he is more interested in that TV than you. Catch him in his favorite chair, open the blouse, don't worry about small titties, I love 'em, but, I love 'em all. Women are the most beautiful thing in this world. So make yourself known to him in a different way, then get onto your knees, walk up to him on the knees, push away the paper, magazine, whatever and give him that sexy look, you know how to do it, start it now. And boyfriend if you are here reading these messages, look, treat this woman right. Stop that Porn stuff and start loving your woman. She's willing to make you happy. Don't YOU THINK you need to make HER happy? What's all this stuff about waiting on HER. You wait on HER for a while and start loving her. I mean, for real, you'll see a whole new approach from her. Don't be so selfish. That's my input. I'll work out honey, if not, remember you are just a GF right now and hey, look across the street, down the road, and catch a new one. J
     
  14. pussycat69

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2006
    Messages:
    2,964
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Northeast
    I agree with both Brad and Rose.I think you both hit the nail on the head.
     
  15. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Shorty,

    There are several advantages to small breasts, and you should feel good about yourself, First.

    Porn viewing sets off visual chemical stimulators for brain stimulation in Men, more than women, studies show. So Looking at porn increases satiation, for many men. I use porn, in part to keep my feelings of straying in line. I also ENJOY being fully satiated.

    I had a girl friend with A cups, who seemed offended when my eyes would become unconsciously glued to a woman with big breasts. It did not mean that I did not enjoy the advantages of her small breasts.

    Small breasts means that my friends are less apt to hit on my girl so often. It means that during love making, it will be easier to get the nipple to nipple contact, that excites me. It means her breasts are not flopping off to the side, but staying right under my nipples. It means my girl is more athletic, and do more activities.

    I understand that you think big nipples, and porn, are related.

    How do you feel about masturbation? I like to masturbate to porn as part of the foreplay with my wife. Here is my thread:

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=1801

    I feel really loved when my wife cuddles with me while I masturbate.

    I posted several posts to a lady opposing porn, and it turned out her husband liked to masturbate to porn after making love to her, and she felt that was wrong.

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?t=487

    Why not get a DVD he likes, and have him watch in it in the bedroom, while you can caress together?
     
    #15 Logger, May 8, 2006
    Last edited: May 8, 2006
  16. Braithwaite

    Braithwaite New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2004
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    That's a good point! I do feel kind of funny hearing myself during sex, and it would probably help for me to get used to being more vocal.
     
  17. gurlcat

    gurlcat New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    alabama
    well, as usual i disagree with many others here. before i married my husband, he said he'd stopped looking at porn, and then a few months after we were married i discovered him masturbating to it. it was traumatic to me. i don't think there's anything wrong with single people looking at it, or people involved and the other person doesn't mind. i do mind however, it hurts my feelings and i made it clear to him that he can choose to be with me or go back to his bachelorhood, and he chose me. even though there's no touching or bodily fluids being exchanged, a person masturbating to porn is mentally engaged with the people they're watching, indulging in fantasy.

    but this is really beside the point. shorty, aren't you the one who posted on one of the other boards about your boyfriend never wanting sex with you anymore? and didn't you also post about him saying he loves you but doesn't want to be with you (or was that a different guy?) if this is all the same guy, i think you need to lose him and move on. i know that sounds harsh but you are in for nothing but hurt with this guy. everything you've said indicates that he doesn't respect you and isn't in love with you. if nothing else, he's burning himself out on porn instead of giving you the loving you need.

    and for those of you who say that porn isn't destructive, just look at shorty's situation.
     
  18. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Gurlcat,

    Certainly you are entitled to your own sensitivities about Porn or any other issue.

    Some of your statements in your post imply that there should be no porn involved in a close relationship. You also state that porn is always an involvement with other women.

    I think that for most men, there is a distinction between images of erotica, and a relationship. I feel that porn, for me, and many men that I know personally, serves as an enhancement to sex drive satiation in a relationship.

    My wife never objected to porn until she changed to a church where the preachers made exclamations about porn as Evil.

    Porn can be an excessive mental crutch for some people, usually in a man. My wife has seemed to be more understanding of my enjoyment of porn, as I have demonstrated some sensitivity by having various levels action in a selection of porn DVD's and VHS.

    I believe that your surprise in finding your husband masturbating was upsetting for you, and I extend my sympathy to you for that experience. My approach has been more to find ways to enjoy porn or erotica with my wife.

    Many men make it a strict rule to keep enjoyment of porn and strip clubs secret from their wives and family. Many wives have set ultimatums. What percentage of men have been caught? What percentage of men refuse a peak? I would suggest that a wife setting an ultimatum about erotica, is setting up a co-dependency, by setting unrealistic expectations. Secrecy is often an element of an emotional Addiction, and if you can create more openness about your husband's needs and desires, and find ways to satiate ALL sex drives for a husband, there will be a healthier Marriage.

    I feel fortunate that my wife is not sensitive about other women. She seems to have good confidence in herself, and what she offers to her relationship to me. I feel blessed by her self-confidence. I avoid contact with other women, more to be certain that I am being discreet. Sometimes innocent situations can seem indiscreet. I drove past a store last night, where an attractive lady worked, who had given me a wink. I gave myself accolade points for passing up temptation, by not stooping in the store, and honoring my marriage.

    my wife seems to go through cycles about her sensitivity to porn, and I shut off the tape, the instant my wife voices any hesitation. I listen to her objections, and wait for a few days or a few weeks, based on her expressions of her feelings.

    Thanks for sharing your ideas. Hope you continue to give the matter of porn further evaluation.

    I gave you the gift of a book, since I disagreed wtih parts of your post. The book is intended to show that your are smart.
     
    #18 Logger, May 12, 2006
    Last edited: May 12, 2006
  19. gurlcat

    gurlcat New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2006
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    alabama
    well, this thread was started by a woman who is having a very obvious problem that includes her man preferring porn to her. that is pretty bad.

    i respect your attempt to at least try to be logical and empathetic to my feelings, but it doesn't change anything. god, i'm probably going to waste my time explaining this because you surely won't change your mind either.

    first of all, i'm not religious so that has nothing to do with it. as for what you're saying, when you say that men view porn as separate from the relationship, that's exactly what i have a problem with--a man's wanting to engage in sexual fantasy with a woman other than the one he chose to be with, the one who cooks his food, endured pregnancy and childbirth for him, etc., not these 20-year-old desparate girls who are allowing themselves to be PRODUCTS and nothing more. and hell no i'm not going to view porn WITH my husband. you wouldn't believe how many men get their ladies to do that with them, and in secret it makes the wives/girlfriends feel really horrible, even though they act like it's all good.

    in case you're wondering, i'm TOTALLY sexually available to my husband. i would never refuse sex unless i was extremely tired or sick. and i've been quite willing to try new things. i even made a homemade porn video of myself. the porn he's looked at didn't involve anything i would refuse to do, so the only difference is that they're other women. and if that's what he wants, hey, he knows he can go back to that any time. he's had enough warnings now, i don't keep bringing it up or making accusations. our relationship has been great since that issue was resolved. but he knows that if i catch him doing that one more time, i'm out of here, and i'll take our daughter with me.

    you said yourself that your wife goes through cycles of acceptance. and that's just when she SAYS something about it. no telling how much it hurts her but she says nothing, afraid that she'll seem like a nag and risk losing you. by the way-- a question--what would you do if she asked you to stop altogether? what would be your decision--porn or her?

    to avoid the whole argument as to whether my man's porn fancying made me feel insecure---YES, IT DID, and i'm not ashamed to admit it. insecurity is a legitimate feeling that is undesirable and painful. so what do you suggest?--that i put myself through the pain of letting my husband jack off to other women, and just accept it? fuck that, i'd rather be single, and he knows it. i'm SECURE enough to live without him or anyone who causes me pain that i don't deserve. my husband knows that at any time he's free to go back to the life of flogging his wang in front of the computer for hours and even days on end. he was addicted in the past, by the way, such that it stopped him from doing important things in his life--and just like any addiction, it's very difficult to shift from overindulgence to moderation.

    not too long ago, a man was damn thrilled to get a wife, someone to be his lifelong friend, co-parent and (especially exciting for a lonely man)--a sex partner. then porn mags and theaters came out and people could indulge in visual fantasy, but they still had to face other people. now, with internet porn, a person has access to confidential, free, convenient pornography--thousands of hours of it, right at our fingertips. you see the imagery even when you are looking for something else. and it lures men in (some women too) and time after time after time, the behavior is rewarded with the addictive component of orgasm, the brain chemical equivalent to cocaine. the more someone does it, the more they want to do it. this is causing problems in more households than any other porn ever did.

    like i said in my previous post, i married my husband with his stating that he no longer looked at porn--that was part of what i admired about him, his ability to quit. with all due respect there's no way you're going to convince me that i should swallow my feelings and look the other way if he goes back on what i consider sacred vows. one man, one woman. no frickin pixilated hoes.
     
    #19 gurlcat, May 12, 2006
    Last edited: May 12, 2006
  20. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Gurl Cat,

    Sometimes the all or nothing concept is the best way.

    I personally mostly view porn with my wife. My wife acknowledges that she provides limited marital relations, so she has not brought up the issue of my doing myself with porn. Sometimes my wife decides to leave while we were in the middle, and I continue to masturabate as she is leaving, and then I guess she knows I finish after she is gone.

    I make an effort to time our encounters sufficiently in advance of when I am aware she is leaving. I try to wait until I have created several stages of arousal, before starting my DVD or VHS. I feel that my wife enjoys my ejaculating with her, and that it deepens our relationship.

    I am not suggesting that you change your aproach. I did encourage you to continue to look at options and feelings. Your husband is apparently at a different place, than from where I am coming.

    My wife objected to some of the younger women in a Bikini DVD. I got a DVD of older women. It is not about need. I just enjoy porn with my wife, and I feel it helps me to be more satiated, and less susceptible to temptation. I think porn is healthier than Viagra.

    Your feeling that looking at porn is similar to being with another woman is something that I feel you might reflect upon from time to time, as your daughter gets older and you become a grandmother. My wife is not yet into making porn herself. Your husband is fortunate to have your visions to enjoy.

    I believe my wife feels free to express her objections, if she feels porn is unpleasant for her. I immediately shout off the porn if she voices any hesitation. It is just whip cream on the desert. I am not going to go nuts without porn. It just makes me happier.

    Shorty has not posted back, and I am not sure why her B/F sneaks around in the other room. Maybe force of habit from when living alone. I am not sure if you are recommending that Porn should be a deal breaker, a single factor for ending a relationship, for Shorty. Are there ways to help people change a habit, short of termination? My wife has a bad habit of occasionally expressing her ideas in a derissive manner to me. I go shopping. Could Shorty take her computer to her mother's house for a week, the next time she catches B/F? Could she use her comptuer at her mom's for that week?

    NLP, Neuro Linguistic Programming, is a method of assisting people to change habits. One process is to identify the trigggering causal sequence, and find substituions for behaviors that will break the chain. Sometimes we are in denial about key factors that contribute to habitual behaviors. Sometimes it takes hypnosis, or other detective work, to identify the causal factors. One view of human behavior is that there are actions, frame by frame as in a movie, in a habit; and subroutines, or messages we are thinking to ourselves, sometimes as images, that occur sequentially every few action frames, or so, like flashbacks in a movie.

    Slipping back is a normal part of addiction recovery. One NLP approach of Richard Bandler is to equip the client with a recovery mechanism for a backslide, so that an unfortunate occasional backslide does not annhilate all the progress that has been made. The previously addicted person simply gets back on the wagon, and continues in recovery.

    I should study more about NLP myself, so if you want to discuss it further, I could get smarter.