Shes just no good in bed :-( Advice here?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mark101, Dec 23, 2006.

  1. mark101

    mark101 New Member

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    I met my girlfriend over the internet 3 years ago, she moved from Australia to live with me and we've been together for over a year. We have a monogamous relationship, both have no desire to go with others partners. We've made long-term plans to be together and some of our arrangements will be set in motion after Christmas.

    I've only had 4 girlfriends before but all were long-term relationships. I never dreamed of finding someone whom I have so much in common with emotionally, intellectually, interest wise. We are extremely tight but there's just one problem; she’s REALLY REALLY terrible in bed.

    When we make love, she always says the wrong things, she spoils the moment completely. Just one example amongst many - she tried playing out a dominating role and forced the words- “You get down there Son ". Immediately, thoughts of my mother started to pop into my head and I couldn’t stop laughing, completely put us both off. She also has this routine of arranging everything before sex- there always has to be toilet paper / tissues to mop up, the doors got to be locked etc etc.. It doesn’t ever feel spontaneous.
    Physically is even worse- every motion I make is counteracted, the only way to describe it is it feels like she’s fighting me, forcing me out of her- her rhythm is completely off. Sex with her doesnt feel natural at all, it feels forced, like we're wrestling. There's no spark- it's very strange. Also, she doesn’t make ANY noise
    so although she’s able to climax (for real), I have great difficulty knowing if I’m pushing the right buttons. A lot of the time I end up giving up because although I have no problem with an erection or sustaining one, I can’t get turned on enough to reach my peak! I’ve actually had to fake orgasms.
    Fortunately because we're so connected it isn’t that big a problem at the moment but this is such a shame because sex is important to me & I've experienced mind blowing sex with other girls before.
    I have tried talking with her about it several times but it's difficult because I dont want to hurt her. She's ried to alter her behaviour before but its sort of worse when she does.

    I'm basically asking anyone out there reading this who might be more experienced - Does it sound like were sexually incompatible? Do you think the problem is with me? Have you ever had similar experience with a lady / man?
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    I THINK...she's not the one. Sweetheart, life changing love is not forced. Passion and connection in the bedroom are not either. It sounds to me like you met someone who is a great friend, and you have lots in common. Whether that relationship can be salvaged is yet to be determined. Yea, it's gonna hurt. It's going to hurt both of you. Sir, it already does.
     
  3. cbrmale

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    Sounds like you're not in tune. My wife is a little the same with tissues and door closed and so on, but I am not that spontaneous, so it's okay. She was also the same rhythm wise, I taught her rhythm by using positions where I held her (firm but not hard) and guided her and she picked it up that way.

    You may find over time you can work out a middle ground in sex, especially if the rest of your relationship is working. You need postive communication to discuss sex with any partner, using the "I" word (I prefer it when we do X) to work your way through it. Give it a go, see how you can talk and listen and understand.

    As far as no noise goes, I get the feeling American women are noisy during sex. I've had sex with lots of women from lots of countries, and very few women (including my African wife) make noise during sex. If you want to have a relationship with a non-American, you need to get used to it. It takes a little skill to read the signs of arousal and orgasm, but silent concentration is what most women do use to get there.

    Probably one of your issues is that she is Australian, and culturally quite different, and therefore both of you need to adapt to each others cultural differences. DO NOT make the mistake of thinking Australians are like Americans, because we are not by a long shot.
     
  4. mark101

    mark101 New Member

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    Hi melicious, I'm afraid I didn’t fully understand your message, it's sort of cryptic. See, I've always thought of love and sex as two separate things? I'm trying to be honest with myself and ask if it's some kind of dependency on my part. Im a pretty weird kind of person-I dont have a lot of things in common with a majority. This woman totally altered my perception of what things could be like. I used to think all women were the same- used to think all they cared about was money, security, breaking any monotony with infidelity / hurting one another just to spice things up. Wow was I wrong. Although I can acknowledge this, I'm positive I will NEVER find anyone like this in my life again. She is the sweetest most considerable lady I have ever met and she understands me. Trying to spare the vom bucket but I really do love her.


    Well it's already been over a year since we started sleeping together. I've become more irritable during sex because I feel frustrated. This of course has only made things worse ( I sound like a right bastard eh?) I just wish we had that connection, she’s not frigid or anything but sex just isn’t right up there on her list of amazing things to do. I don’t think she’s a very sexual person by nature. Her contraception (the pill) doesn’t help matters either. I'm a Brit despite my id location so our cultures are really very similar.

    I feel like I cant have wild sex with her, I cant have fast rough sex at all. She's asian/oriental so very petite down there. I'm above average size and if I'm too rough or go too deeply, I end up hurting her.. it's like our bodies werent meant to be together but our minds were :ugh
     
    #4 mark101, Dec 24, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2006
  5. RockyRaccoon

    RockyRaccoon New Member

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    have you tried oral, fingering, etc? If she's petite and you're huge, then yeah it's gonna take quite some time to for her to get comfortable. But if the vagina can have a baby, she can accomodate you with time.

    Personalitywise, it really sounds like you're mismatched sexually. I know asians girls are more conservative and sexually demure in general, so it's gonna be tough for her to become what you like. But she could also just need to break out of her shell. Try having sex where you're not focused on you getting off - just use your hands and tongue on her. Once she's all hot n bothered, then you can help her "loosen up" and unleash her wild side. GL.
     
  6. mark101

    mark101 New Member

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    Yeah but with oral it's all over very quickly for her because she doesn’t like sustaining her orgasm. She wants it as quickly as possible & doesn’t want to miss her "window of opportunity" in achieving climax if I go down on her. She won’t allow me to get her all hot and bothered, just says that’s her preference. Of course, then I 'm left to do my party-piece, it puts even more emphasis on how long I'm taking trying to reach orgasm myself.

    I dont want her to become what I like, well I do but I dont ? I just wish the sex could be more intense.
    Avoiding racial stereotyping as much as I possibly can- (everybody’s different).. She may be Asian but she’s Asian Australian. Australians are fairly brash / NO BS people. She's not like the typically stereotyped 'Japanese quiet mouse' or anything. I will say though- it's totally true from my experience how different oriental girls genitals feel from western women- very very different, different angle or something. before her I never had a girlfriend who could achieve orgasm just by rubbing/ pushing her crotch up against me during sex.
     
  7. Bluesy

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    I know it's a delicate subject, but it's better to discuss it rather than end the relationship, yes? I think perhaps you, both of you, should consider seeing a sex therapist.

    Best of luck.
     
  8. AnonymousOne

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    Here's my suggestion:

    You two better start communicating ... before all either of you engages in is masturbating.
     
  9. Logger

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    Dear Mark 101,

    I sometimes need to feel in control of things to climax with my woman. You might ask her for a signal you can use to ask her to let you take control. There can be a signal where you can give her free expression of her ideas.

    Something like a term, "Let me lead," or, "Slower" or some short phrase that you both agree means that you are taking the lead. Maybe, "Go Ahead" for when you are OK with her taking the lead.

    Since she is smaller than your penis, just keep your stroking shallow, and avoid slamming your pelvis into her pussy. Your stroking can still be satisfying because most of the feeling is in your tip, so as long as your tip is sloshing around, you can feel great. Focus on the feelings from your tip, like she is licking your tip with her tounge, somehow, whicl your tip is stroking inside her pussy. Try moving your hips form side to side, half inserted. Feel your tip go all around he expanse of her uterus.

    Take the lead yourself when you are getting ready for foreplay. I lock the door, get the travel bag with the lubes out of the closet, unlock the bag, and spread out the lubes. I set out the wipe for finishing, I put the low lights on, and taurn on the air purifier to mask our sounds from other family members. Sometimes I am tired and skip a few steps, but later regret that I was lazy.
     
  10. MrsT1976

    MrsT1976 New Member

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    Mark, I really sypmathise with you. To feel that you have found the right person in life is a wonderful feeling, especially if your views were somewhat tainted before. I have never been in your situation as the only man I have ever loved, is the only man I ever fully enjoyed sex with and felt that I could be truly myself. I have had bad sex (more times than I care to remember) but didn't truly love the person anyway.
    I see it has to go one of three ways:- 1) You accept that sexually, she may be all she will ever be. If she's not a sexual person, she may not change as she may not have the desire to. You look at all her good qualities and accept that in many ways you are very lucky to have found someone you connect so strongly with, some people never do.
    2) You talk to her about it tactfully difficult without hurting her but put it in a way that makes it not sound selfish such as "I feel that we could both get so much more out of sex and I want us both to completely enjoy each other". This will also give you a gauge as to what her true feelings on it are. Maybe she's not happy with it either but doesn't or can't express that to you? I think Bluesy advice about a sex therapist is something to consider also.
    3) You finish the relationship. You may have to accept that you will never feel truly connected and always that something is missing from your life. Only you know whether you could be happy living this way.
    I really wish you luck and as it sounds as though on every other level that you have a good relationship, it's definitely worth trying to work it out.
     
  11. Logger

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    Dear Mark 101,

    I like my woman to come more quickly, as then I feel free to let my mind enjoy sex rather than controlling myself until she comes.

    I am not sure what you mean by , "I 'm left to do my party-piece, "

    Does your woman let you stay inside her after she climaxes? Can she climax again? My woman is reluctant to give vaginal sex very often, so I us a lot of masturbation and dry humping in my love making.

    If a woman is silent, and does not tell you what she would like from the man, that leaves the man to guess. IK am a naturally rebelious thinker, so when someone tells me to do something, I feel emotinally turned off. But in reality, I need to figure out how to please my woman. How to build up Love Bank Deposits, or earn exgtra credit emotional coupons. So when my woman asks for something, I try to do it quickly, if it is easy to medium diffiuclty. So I am suggesting that there is value in your woman leetin you know when her window is coming on, and lets you know what she needs to be comfortable having sex and what she needs to climax. My wife has a window most every day, but I never know when that was, because she never tells me about it. I just go on hte hit and miss.
     
  12. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Mark it sounds like she is just too uptight about sex

    Locking the doors is ridiculous. Have you ever spontaneously fucked
    on the kitchen table or outside.
    Some Girls were taught that sex was an obligation to be fulfilled
    when married and should not be done just for the fun of it.

    The best I can cum up with is, make it fun for her so she wont be so uptight.:sf
     
  13. marisha415

    marisha415 New Member

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    the " get down there Son"....Im still laughing about it...
    I said something wierd once too....after sex when I was sucking on a cock , I said "um....tastes just like mu pussy" and he was like "how do you know how you pussy tastes like?"
     
  14. cbrmale

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    My woman comes quickly too (about three minutes, or less) which gives more opportunity for other orgasms for her later... I do sustain her, because I know her body responses when she's getting close, and I keep her riding a knife edge for a few minutes until she gets a BIG one.

    As an Australian man whose had sex with more than a few Asian girls, what can I say? Stereotypically different with sex, but nothing that can't be worked out if you do the right things? Actually the one thing that Asian girls typically have is a terrible sexual rhythm with intercourse, and I've had a few girls where we had sublime foreplay but I've really had to teach them how to do IT. Them on top sometimes just didn't work, so we swapped over into them passive (missionary) which usually fixed it. Am I warm?

    The bottom line: is she worth it, do you like her, because you can always teach someone how to do sex better if your communicating well and they're listening and responding. I've been there with my wife, and you couldn't ask for a better sexual partner now, and she's always been my soulmate. With the latter working for us, I taught her the former and she improved out of sight. And there are things she especially enjoys and does well (like outdoor sex and a few other little kinky things) and things she doesn't enjoy at all (like any form of game or roleplay). So we concentrate on the things she's comfortable with, and let the others slide.
     
  15. cbrmale

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    I don't think fucking on the kitchen table is the measure of a good sexual partner or not. I've had many partners, and only a few were in that vein, but many of my partners, even if they didn't spontaneously fuck on the table, were still great. Indeed, my most memorable experience (one for a lifetime) was with a lady who was very much in control of things, very measured, and very, very good. And, thinking of it, another special woman who was measured and similarly memorable.
     
  16. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I was not talking of fucking specifically on the kitchen table, I am talking
    about spontaneously fucking wherever you are, and not behind locked doors, You made a good reply Cyber, so don't kick mine.
     
  17. cbrmale

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    I understand bighiker, some are into the moment and some aren't. I'm not into the moment, and I am attracted to women who have a personality type closer to mine, so they are not as well. But some women can be cool, calm and quite awesome with sex. It is not an obligation, they plan their moves with their partner, prolonging the moment and increasing the pleasure. Maybe not 'fun' for funs sake, but certainly good.

    It is one of the things that makes the world great, we are all different, but we can learn from one another about different styles of sex. When styles are mismatched (such as here) then things can go awry unless both parties communicate and adapt.
     
  18. Bluesy

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    That's reassuring to know, that spontaneity isn't a necessary component of good sex. For the most part, I like to plan ahead a little...get things together, think about what I'd like to do, have all the "props" in place. Kind of made me feel like a prude, but now I'm beginning to see it in a different light. Thanks for that, hon :)
     
  19. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Cbrmale said
    It is one of the things that makes the world great, we are all different, but we can learn from one another about different styles of sex. When styles are mismatched (such as here) then things can go awry unless both parties communicate and adapt.

    True, but he is having a problem with the controlled sex thing.
    I certainly have done that, especially when the wife was role
    playing (generally a slut) And at other special times in life
    when you both know that you are going to have a nite of sex
    so the candles are out, both are freshly bathed (preferably together)
    and sexy nite wear is laid out.
    Those times are nice too, But sometimes we may be hot and sweaty
    and nothing planned. And she is at the kitchen table and looking
    sexy, then you feel it getting hard, well its to late to have props
    and the whole bit so fuck her on the kitchen table.
    but dont just forget her feelings. and she will love it as much as you.
     
  20. Joe

    Joe
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    :lol Reminds me of this little mini-poem my late wife wrote:

    Passion and Oven Cleaner

    When I'm perfumed and nicely-dressed,
    You rarely want some lovin' --
    Why is it, then, you're ready when
    I'm cleaning out the oven?