she is seeing me and another guy

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by coppaho, Oct 2, 2005.

  1. coppaho

    coppaho New Member

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    Hello,

    I need advice on my situation. I met this girl back in June of this year. She did not have a boyfriend at the time I met her. She came to my apartment and chilled and we both hit it totally off. We almost had sex but I felt there was something to pursue with her so I held off. She said that night I was the most perfect guy she has ever met, etc. Then, that Sunday, she calls me crying that she ran into her ex (4 1/2 relationship and broke up a few times) and he was with another girl and her feelings came back to her. So, I took the hint and started to talk to her everyone now and then. In the meantime, she started to talk to this other guy I knew from the bars. I asked her a few times if she ever hooked up with him and she said no. Then, she said she "missed" the way I used to say I think she was the one and so forth. I am in my late 20's so I am pretty experienced with relationships might I add! So, I started to be all lovey dovey with her again and she met me at a bar about 2 months later. We were just meeting up as friends but she had a few drinks and we ended up sucking face in the parking lot. About 2 weeks after this, we met up at another bar and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her. She is still with her boyfriend at this time!!! heh So, I have never seen a girl why she was seeing someone else so this was new to me. I went along with it and we ended up going home that night and having sex for the 1st time. I have seen her at least 1 day a week since that night and had sex with her almost every night. Then, he drunken tells me that she met him on a date and that she wanted to have sex with him too then one night. I asked her about it and she came clean and told me she did hook up with him but what does that matter since I was not going out with her? LOL She claims she loves me and was supposed to cut it off with him last night but calls me today like nothing is wrong. I told her I don't think I can be put on the side anymore and that she has to choose 1 guy. She says she cannot do that now and it is hard. All she does is bitch and complain about this guy but cannot leave him? Come on, don't say you love me and sleep with me then go home and say you love him? Then, to top it off, I was talking to her tonight and I guess he showed up drunk at her house and she says oh, I have to go, and I hung up and said whatever. She goes, "don't get mad!" LOL..what am I supposed to do? I wrote her a big e-mail after the phone call tonight basically explaining I am done unless she tells him to hit the road.

    Can everyone comment on this and let me know if I did the right thing and what she is trying to freakin' accomplish?

    OK, night, thanks for the venting! :)
     
  2. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    Sounds like she is leading you around. :ugh
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I agree with Ryan.
    Some guys don't mind sharing a girl, but you have let her know that you DO mind. She is not willing to choose, but she doesn't want to lose you.... looks like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

    I think you did the right thing.
     
  4. Shellen77

    Shellen77 New Member

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    First of all, she sounds VERY young & VERY immature. Obviously she is in love with something....playing games. She's not in love with you....she's not in love with her bf....she's not in love at all. She's out there to have fun & to sleep with men. While she's doing that, she's managing to play with men's heads (you & her bf & god know who else). If you don't drop her now, you're destined to get a heart break out of this.

    You deserve so much better. You deserve a woman who will love you 100%, not 50%.

    Good luck.
     
  5. Logger

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    Dear Coppaho

    Shellen says a lot in her post.

    Some people are afraid of being rejected in Love. Therfore, they set up defense mechanisms, by which to rationalize a rejection, if a loss of Love occurs.

    Part of the more neurotic managment of the fear of rejection, involves denial of some aspects of the fear of the risk of loss.

    Other posts have suggested dumping her.

    I agree with the assessment that the girl is just too fucking nuts, to fool around with, because you are going to end up jumping off a bridge, or killing somebody.

    However, if you think that you are super rescuer counselor; then you need to identify the underlying submodalities that symbolize the fears, about which she is in denal. Once you identify the FEARS, you can then begin building her confidence to be able to handle the pain, shame, hurt and sorrow, which LOVE risks.

    If you feel you need to quickly sharpen your Phobia counseling skills, try:
    http://www.talknlp.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=587


    Blessings
     
  6. coppaho

    coppaho New Member

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    I appreicate all the honesty. I wrote her a long e-mail and waiting for her response. If she truley loves me, she will tell him to hit the road. The bad part is that I am 28 and never felt about a girl this way before. We never arugued in 5 months about anything other then this situation. Wish me the best.

    :)
     
  7. Ryan

    Ryan Gold Member

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    Something like this shouldn't be discussed over email. You should really talk in person or over the phone.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    It seems that alcohol plays a part in your relationship. that could be a problem, in that people tend to be different when they are 'high', than when they are straight.
    Have you spent any quality time with her while being totally STRAIGHT?
    That could give an insight into her true feelings. If she can only relate to you while drunk --- that's a bad sign. As Michelle said - immaturity, for sure!
     
  9. coppaho

    coppaho New Member

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    Well, I have talked to her about this numerous times on the phone with the same response...like Friday night, we talked on the phone and she said she was going to tell him that night. When I talked to her Sat, she said she had a miserable time with him and thought about me the whole time. I just don't get it. Then, when I ask her to get rid of him, she says it is not easy. But, I mean, how often do I wait around? That is the question!!! We were sober all of these times.

    Ryan, we talk about this over the phone but it seems to go nowhere so that is why I gave e-mail a chance. This is like the 3rd e-mail I sent her about things like this and she just writes like a line or 2 back after I spend 10 min on mine.

    How can she say she always thinks about me, calls me from work on her lunch everyday, calls me when she gets out of work and at night, sees me at least 2x a week, bitches about him to me, but yet cannot get rid of him and spent the last 2 days with him?

    Then, to top it off, I avoid her calls all day yesterday then when I finally call her back she goes I have to go he is here drunk and I have to take care of him. So, I said ok, later, and was going to hang up. She goes, you are mad again..I mean...what does she want me to be a sucker?

    I don't know where to turn already...if I never felt this way about her it would be 10x easier cause I would have told her to hit the road a long time ago and I have told her this already as well.
     
  10. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    I went through this about 9 yrs. ago...dated a woman who was seeing another guy...in fact everything you write sounds like me back then and I was about your age also (29). I finally after getting tired of the games from her told her NO MORE....broke it off completely and my life changed for the better...felt like I didnt need to be worrying about where she is who shes with stuff! Soon after I broke it off with her I met my wife who Ive been married happily to for over 6 yrs...together over 8 yrs. Dont let this woman spin your life...get rid of the trash and move on! If you think it will get better with her...dont...it wont! Not even if she chooses..sounds like she will always be a "Player" until she gets dumped a few times. But right now...you sound like I did...and I really mean it...when I was reading my mind was going back to what I went through. Dont waste any more of your time and patience...get out and meet someone who will respect and love you the way you deserve....I did and have never been happier! Good Luck!!
     
  11. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Shes seeing another man and me

    Just to add a little more...I did love this woman very much too...and yes alcohol was a big part of her life as well....I drank but not abused...Rose is right...see what shes like when sober and not just for a few hours...try days...And my ex was 8 yrs. older than I...so maturity doesnt mean just being older!
    The defining moment came to me about 3 yrs. after I had broken it off with her...her nephew was hired at the company I work for....he told me that I made the best move in my life to have broken up with her, she was still seeing the one guy (who happened to be her ex-husband) and a few other men as well and basically playing with all of them. Her nephew was very glad for me that I had found "True" love from someone who took it from me and returned it just as much.
    Now, I dont know your friend, and I wont try to judge, but she sounds an awful lot like my ex...as I stated earlier, break it off...it may be a bit painful for you and its always easier said than done...but in the long run you will be far better off...and youll be able to devote yourself to finding someone who will return the honesty, caring and love you are seeking! Take it from someone who has been there and done that!!
    If you have any questions for me , just ask and Ill be glad to respond! Best of luck to ya!
     
  12. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Coppaho,

    Boundaries is a concpet of expressing your limits of various aspects of your relationship:

    Cloud and Townsend have Books, Videos, Radio shows and personal appearances: First, Look to your SELF, to be sure you are giving GF a feeling of fidelity from your actions and words:

    http://www.sexualforums.com/talk/showthread.php?p=14865#post14865

    Blessings
     
  13. coppaho

    coppaho New Member

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    Just out of curiousity, did that girl say you were the one, you the best guy she has ever met, talked about getting married, etc. I totally love your advice though and it is nice to chat with someone in the same shoes as me. There is just something tellming me not to give up yet but she knows I am on very short limits now. Did that other girl tell you she loved you and loved him and also slept with both of you? A few questions that will put my mind at ease.

    thanks,

    :)
     
  14. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    She is seeing me and another guy....

    Yes to all your questions....she told me all the time that she was in love and loved me...marriage was talked about and she even mentioned how she would love to have my baby! I had never spoken to her about having kids. She also spoke about moving in together...and yes the whole time she was telling me these things she was sleeping with him.
    The day I told her I was done with her, she cried a river and said all those things to me, also telling me that I should have told her to choose because she would have chosen me! LMAO....I had told her to choose so many other times previously...I just got fed up being played like a violin! Also as I said before...finding out a few years later that she was still seeing that guy and others, made me see that I had made a a wise decision.
    Make the right decision for yourself...youll see how much a weight will come off your body....Let us know how things work out for you....I hope that I have helped...and feel free to ask me anything else you may wonder about!
     
  15. nitroboy

    nitroboy New Member

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    Just get over her.

    I know her type, she is a player and I know how she plays because I have done the same things with girls in the past. Don't think she was too serious when she told you she loves you.

    It seems she fooled you, and achieved her goal: every day you saw her, you had sex with her?

    Don't trust her too much on what she says, she is not an angel and she won't be one in the future.
     
  16. coppaho

    coppaho New Member

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    eandvk, thanks for all your help! :)

    nitroboy, well, I have talked to her everyday on the phone since last June of this year. I will be on the phone when he even calls (guy she is seeing for 4 1/2 years) and hangs up to talk to me. I had sex with her everytime except 2x's and she tells me she does not sleep with him. Not saying I believe that but everytime she tells me she wants to be with me but the reason she cannot break it off with him is because of the term of the relationship (which is bs) and also how she is afraid of loosing everything with him and starting over with me. I have been in lots of relationships and never found a girl I like/love this much, so that is why I stick around. If she was just an ordinary plain jain I would have been gone long time ago!!! My new attitude it going to just play along with her games and if something else comes along on my part go for it as well. :)
     
  17. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Dear Cappaho,



    ever heard of a no contact letter?


    Help GF write, at lest compose, aDraft leter to Old BF


    YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT, BUT NOW YOU ARE IN THE WAY, AND I NEED TO CUT THINGS OFF, TO LET THE NEW FLOWER BLOSSOM

    blessings
     
  18. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    ok. I am going to offer you a few tips. first of all, Shellen was 100 percent right in her first post. The girl isnt in love with either of you. She is enjoying the benefits you are both giving her. She is in lust with you but scared of losing all she has with him also.

    Also, having discussions with a girl about how she is the one and talking about how you would marry her and vica versa is pointless. I have had 3 women tell me that and either someone else came along or it just didnt work out. Basically if she is the one then marry her - dont bother making idle promises to each other.

    Finally, karma. I would recommend not being the "other" guy because every time I did it, it came right back in my face. Keep your conscious clean and you will feel better about the outcome in the end.

    If she truley likes you she will end it and be with you. But if not she is just toying with you. She may not realize it but she is just being really selfish and she is hurting 2 people she really cares about and they care about her. I think maybe you need to rethink things - Are you sure you want to start a relationship off like this? Whatever you decide I hope it works out for the better. Good luck.
     
  19. coppaho

    coppaho New Member

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    Yeah,

    It is just hard cause I like her so damn much! She always complains to me about him but then never breaks up with him like she is scared or something. She always tells me it is the 4 1/2 years thing plus how he gets along with her family. She says I have a lot of things that he lacks so who knows. She also did mention she will break up with him in due time but just be patient with her. My question to her was, "How long do I wait?" Is she just telling me she is going to break up with him or is she going to do it? Also, she always argues with him on a daily basis and in the past when I first met her there were no signs of this. Finally, she has broken up with him 2 times in the past she told me, so why can't she do it if I am so damn perfect?

    thanks,
     
  20. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Shes seeing me and another guy

    You could be the most perfect man in the world and she still will be leading you on Coppaho! My ex broke up with her "other" guy repeatedly, but always went back to him even though I was the perfect guy.....her words, not mine. Your girlfriend will make you wait as long as you are there for her....cuz as long as you are there and allowing this to continue, she figures shes not under any pressure to break up with either of you guys, especially since youve been allowing this for so long. And if you do end it with her, she will just find another person to play her games with. Please believe me Coppaho when I say that your situation is exactly what I went through...it truly is like reading my story of 10 yrs. ago...by an author who I never have spoken or met with!! Cut your losses and get the hell out of this situation....dont waste any more of your time and perhaps opportunitys in actually meeting the right woman for you! My best to ya...