She dumped me....y?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Magnum, Apr 2, 2004.

  1. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    Hey...
    Im 19 and ive just went out with this really nice girl (I like her soo much) and she dumped me after 3 weeks of us dating.
    She was the one that came to me and told me that she liked me 3 months previous to when i asked her out....i was a bit slow

    Everything was really fun and we were having a great time...until recently she told me that she just wanted to be my friend....(DUMPED).

    I asked her y and she said that she justed didnt feel the same anymore...i asked her y she didnt feel the same and she said that she felt that she wasnt having fun anymore and that it was getting too serious....

    And i was like..... :| Dont u think that she could have came and talked to me about it...told me to stop being soo serious...or did she just want to bail out..didnt want to put in the effort to get it to work....

    Please help me understand this....its ripping me apart :(
     
  2. jojo

    jojo New Member

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    its hard to comment without hearing the hard facts on what this girl is like. ive had friends who have been dumped on similar grounds, ie: got bored, not fun anymore, too serious. Generally Ive found that the girls that do that tend to be quite shallow and are with a new guy every other month and never tend to settle.

    Anyway if shes not interested I think you should move on and try not to dwell on things for too long, Ive found this makes things worse more than often. There are plenty of other fish in the see...as is said...

    jo
     
  3. Logger

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    Y

    Women, and people in general, often do not tell you the real reason that they have lost interest in a dating relationship, even a marriage relationship. Often the people are not fully aware of the reasons themselves.

    Life is not always fair. It seems that you are a good person, and that you have tried to be considerate to the young lady, yet she wants to be friends.

    Freindship is an important part of a relationship. Women often like to talk about their interests. You criticise GF for not telling you sooner that you were getting too serious. What is the other side of that issue? You were not LISTENING to her. At 19, your listening skills might not be up to full speed. Mine certainly were not.

    An important question to ask yourself, is "How can I change, based on the feedback I have received from my partner?"

    Spend an hour or two, get a phone book, and find out what communications courses are available, that emphasize listening skills. Ask your friends. Ask your parents and others you respect. What counseling is available to you? I have been on a thread with a guy who acknowledged his listening skills problem, and he found a counselor willing to work with him on improving his listening skills.

    How can you appologise to your partner, and take responsibility for the downgrade of your relationship? How about, "I realize I have not been as good a friend as I could have been, and that I have not really been listening to your ideas as well as I coud have. I'm going to do ____________ about my listening skills."

    At 19, you probably do not have the resources to give a woman the concrete idea that you can provide a good environment for children, if she might have children. The Maternal Instinct is a subconscious urge in women. What do you have to show a woman she can trust you with her children? My dating options expanded when I got a house on a cul de sac, with a fenced yard and a swing set, where it was clear that children could have a good time playing. What are the power structures involved with the young lady? Who does the young lady listen to for advice? What do her advisors think of you?
     
  4. jiggy

    jiggy New Member

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    Women are nuts (and I am one, so I know this from personal experience)
    Often if a girl doesn't feel right about the relationsihp, or if she feels she is going to lose a great friend because of it, she will just want out. Women put a LOT of emotions into a relationship, and that is one of the things that women need to feel stable. If the emotions are all wrong, then she just won't be into it anymore.

    Magnum: I'm sorry to hear this wonderful girl broke up with you, but if you think about it, three months is a fair bit of time, and could totaly change someone's perspective on things. Good luck
     
  5. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    No...The thing was that she didnt even talk to me...not about anything REAL...like she would just flirt with me....flirting type talk....there was nothing for me to listen to....and im a good listener thank you
     
  6. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    Please help its like
    She came to me and told me she liked me
    3 months past after getting to know each other and pretty much just flirting i asked her out
    3 weeks later she dumped me
    i ask her y....she says...dunno i dont feel the same anymore....
    i ask her y she dont feel the same and she said this exactly:
    "i just felt that everything was so serious and i wasnt having fun and we didnt really share many common interests and i dunno they were factors "

    and i was like...you could have told me...(common interests) u dont even know me and (she doesnt know)...WTF???
     
  7. Logger

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    Dear Magnum,

    I may be wrong about suggesting improving your listening skills. Ziggy pointed out that chemistry and ZING are important, and difficult to define.

    What you have to work with now, is friendship, which means she will talk to you. Phone, lunch, brunch, dinner, E-mail, etc.

    Others say just move on. I can't say they are wrong. But it seems that you are asking why, and you would like to continue the relationship.

    I am saying that a basic building block of LOVE is communication.

    You are still blaming her for not telling you.

    I have purchased 4 binders of hundreds of counseling questions. You have not told me any series of questions that you asked her, to draw her out. There are specific series of questions to ask to draw people out on certain subjects on certain levels. I suspect that you have never even seen the lists of quesitons, let alone had any training as to when to use which series to draw people out.

    You place the responisibility for listening on the other person to tell you. You have not taken responsibility for asking the right questions. Active listening is a term that is used in popular self-improvement. This is a basic idea of paraphrasing back the comment a person just made, and giving the person an opprtunity to speak back on the issue. This gives the person speaking, the idea that you are listening to them, and understand their impetus. You have given no examples of her impetus, or how you tried to understand her impetus directions of interest. The public library will have some books discussing Active Listening. Parenting books have these techniques.

    Maybe you are a good listener, if a person is a good lecturer. Like maybe you can get an A in school. But the listening I'm talking about is asking questions, and acknowledging the person's responses, and getting deeper. Her comment that you don't share her interests, indicates, to me, you don't understand basic active listening.

    I review my lsits of questions.

    Before you read a few questins from my lists, list out your ideas for questions, and see how your list compares to mine. A basic idea is that there are polemic opposites to consider on every topic. Everything is a balance of two extremes. To understand your GF intersts, you need to understand her selection of a balance. To understand her balance, you need to define the extremes. You give no examples of extremes that she is balancing. That is the first step to listening, is to identify the extereme poles relevant to the subject being discussed. "Certainly we don't want to become too serious too fast, and balanced against not ever talking again, so I respect you decision to slow down."

    Some counseling questions:

    What do you want to do? Have? Be? Become?
    What do you want to avoid being, having, doing?
    For what do you want to take responsiblity? Avoid Rsponsibility?
    What cirumstances make you angry, sad or happy?
    What problems do you like to solve, which do you like to avoid?
    Does anything here remind you of something? What were your feelings?
    What happened before that? Before that?


    Basically love works that you become emotionally infatuated with your lover, and you idealize the lover as meeting all your unfulfilled expectations and desires. Then you learn more about your lover, and find that your lover will not meet all your unfulfilled desires, and the lover becomes less attractive.

    In order to remain lovers, you need to find out more about her unfulfiled desires. Some of the desires are unconscious, and are only expressed consciously as ZING.

    I was trying to be soft in my first response, and I have tried to give you more specifics in this response. I am trying not to be overly-directional, and let you select the course you choose, with the amount of effort you select.

    Pesonally I am on Page 88 of Boundaries in Marriage. This is a how-to book on how to undersand and respact, and draw out, your lover's boundaries. It is also how to set your own boundaries. Secondarily, it is about how to present requests for boundaries to your lover. Perahps by "Serious," your GF means she feels you are puttting up bundaries of expectations. What are your expectations? Do you expect her not to date other guys? What boundaries have you communicated to GF that gives her the idea that you are too serious? I used to think that if I made out with a girl, and it was love, she would then automatically start being true to me. Now I believe that fidelity needs to be managed. How have you let the ideas of fidelity slip from your mind? It could be as clear as the look you gave a passing guy when you were walking with GF on the street.

    Post back until you give up on her, or you get he back.
     
  8. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    Thanks for all the Advice.....You have all been helpful.

    I am going to try and be this persons friend again....im going to try and be as fun as i can...im going to try and treat her with as much respect as i can as a friend....

    Hopefully this girl can change her mind....I dont like the idea of forceing her to change her mind im just going to try cause i really really love this person.

    Ill let yas know more later...
    Cya
     
  9. Logger

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    Her Intersts

    She already gave you a clue, that she feels that you are not sufficiently in tune with her interests.

    Asking questions in a conversational tone is not forcing her. It may be difficult not to kiss or touch her, but your instincts should let you know about that.

    You should be able to think back about hints she may have given you about her intersts. You should at least be supportive of her interests, if not offer to particpate with her.

    She must have some acquaintances that you have met, whom you could ask about her interests.

    Just knowing enough about her interests to ask her how her endeavors are going, may be sufficient.

    Women have reapproch cycles of time. The idea of the re-approach cylce is taht you wait this length of time, and you get a new consideration, and you don't get the, "I already told you...." response. Sometimes my wife can be re-approached in 3 minutes. Some things I need a day, three days, a week or a month. Depends.

    I'll be rooting for you.
     
  10. Kendrababy

    Kendrababy New Member

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    3 weeks.....damn thats a long relationship...LOL.......I can kinda see where she is coming from. I've been with some guys in which we start out saying that it's just for fun and we aren't gonna get serious, and then they start talkin about the future and about love and that just makes me wanna run as fast as I can. Think back about all your convo's with her and see if anything she said made you think that she didn't want it to become serious. Since you said you love her then that's kinda what I'm thinking might of happened........Just my oppinion though.....
     
  11. Logger

    Gold Member

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    "I'm Falling in Love with You"

    Dear Kendrababy,

    Nice to post with you again.

    If a guy lets you know that he is falling in love with you, could that mean he also might want you to stop seeing other lovers?

    Have you ever gone out with a guy again, after you told him you just wanted to remain friends? How long did it take for you to give him a second chance?
     
  12. Kendrababy

    Kendrababy New Member

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    Hey Logger.....I've been away too long.....lol
    Everytime a guy has ever said that he wanted more than what we had, I usually never talked to him again.....just because I have a problem just being friends with guys, it usually goes physical pretty quick. I know i'm not like most normal girls, I hear that all the time. I don't ever really see myself wanting to get "serious" about a guy.
     
  13. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    Yeh but see the thing is she talked to me and told me that she wanted something serious.......like she said that it wasnt just flirting around or anything....she really wanted me for life u know and then shes just like..........nah dont like u UR DUMPED

    And thats y i dont udnerstand im fully confused
     
  14. Kendrababy

    Kendrababy New Member

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    Maybe....like me she's not really sure what she wants...
    I don't know for sure whats in her mind but just one thought.
     
  15. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    Well it would have been much nicer if she knew what she wanted....Dont screw around with peoples lives if your just trialling something or you dont know what u want. Find out somewhere else.......Sort your life out before your Screw up others
     
  16. Kendrababy

    Kendrababy New Member

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    Sometimes it's just fun to spread the joy...:D
     
  17. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    yeh well make sure the other person justs wants a fuck as well
     
  18. Logger

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    Motivations

    Dear Magnum,

    Have you contacted GF recently? How did the conversation go? When do you plan to call her up next? When can you next meet her for lunch or dinner? Where does she go to school or work? What time does she go to lunch? What time does she get off? How does she get home? What pizza place is nearby that will sell you a slice? Or split a lunch pizza?

    Some women like to be called up. I call my wife twice a day at her work. Lunch time and at her quitting time, just when she is clearing off her desk. Some women have months in their lives when sex is not of interest to them. Are you willling to accept a woman with a below-average sex drive? Even temporarily? There is a book title, WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW, which contains THE LOVE DIET, which explains what men should know about how to love a woman.

    Us men often overlook simple things that can make a big difference to a woman. I recommend you read The Love Diet,

    I will copy the first part of the post here, to get you interested.

    Spending time thinking about what lies behind the meaning of the words your wife chooses to communicate her ideas to you, detracts from your finding ways to generate more love from her. Think of yourself as a love generator, not as a grand inquisitioner. If you had been a better love generator, you probably would not have anyuthing to Inquisition about.



    From Barbara DeAngelis book "What Women Want Men To Know":

    The Love Diet: How To Feed Your Partner's Heart.

    This is the "Love Diet". I've created it as an easy way to remember and practice feeding your partner's heart and being a wonderful lover outside of the bedroom. It's simple, it's fun, and it will make a big difference in your relationship.

    When you study nutrition, you learn about the basic food groups -vegetables, grains, proteins, dairy products- and the importance of having each of these every day. Well, the emotional nutrition is the same -feeding your partner's heart means making sure you give him or her all of the basic "emotional food groups" each day. What are these? I call them The Three A's: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. They are the secret ingredients contained in the Love Diet that will fill up your partner's heart: You pay attention, you show affection, and you express appreciation.

    If I asked you right now how often you need to eat every day, you'd probably answer that you need to eat at least two or three times a day, with a few snacks in between. Well, I'd like you to think about feeding your partner's heart in the same way with the following Love Diet.

    *Love Meals: Your partner needs three Love Meals a day. What is a Love Meal? It's a time each day for three minutes when you feed your partner's heart with one or more of the menu items contained in the Three A's: Attention, Affection, or Appreciation. I call this the 3X3 formula, three times a day, when you choose to actively love your partner for at least three minutes. Think about it as three minutes of intimacy. Maybe it is three minutes in the morning together before you get out of bed,or three minutes on the phone in the middle of the day, or three minutes after the kids go to sleep. These are Love Meals. Just like you'd have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you have Love Meal#1,#2,and #3!!

    *Love Snacks: Even when you eat several good meals a day, you need a snack once in a while, don't you? Well, the same applies to feeding your partner's heart. Along with the 3X3 formula of three Love Meals a day, give your mater several love snacks during the day. What is a love snack?:


    What about the Astral Plane? Have you envisioned dancing wtih GF? If I miss a woman, I will sometimes dance with her on the astral plane, and let her put her head on my shoulder. What are your visions for GF on the astral plane?

    You seem to be saying GF was insincere. Sometimes we need to look behind the words we hear from a partner. Could you yourself demonstrate more sincerity by continuing to contact GF as if she were actually a friend, instead of just a piece?
     
  19. crusty

    crusty New Member

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    Magnum I feel for you, I've had a similar thing happen to me in the last week, whats more annoying tho is that this girl was the one that told me how she felt about me, we started as a bit of a one night thing well more like one weekend thing really and then she said she wanted to keep in contact with me etc etc and after like a couple of weeks she was spending each weekend with me and talking to me each night on the phone, she even told me that she loved me so of course up until then I was being very cautious as she had just come out of a long term thing and was engaged! Silly me let my guard down and trusted her then a matter of minutes after seeing her one weekend she told me that she just wants to be mates now, yet I saw her on the weekend just gone and she took me aside and kissed/hugged me like she was my gf again??? I'm like WTF??? and then she refused to spend the night with me etc even after telling me a few nights before that she wanted to still have something physical... I think she's fucking with me to see if I'll still go running after her, problem is that I let myself feel for her and I'm having so much trouble letting go of that and just saying "fuck it all I'm just gonna be mates with her" I've had some good advice from some friends but its easier to say than do unfortunately. I hope all goes well for you, I'm just gonna try and be me and if she still wants me she can come after me, I'm done running after her!
     
  20. Magnum

    Magnum New Member

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    Crusty i totally agree mate...
    Ive come to the same conclusion...be myself and if she wants me then she can come to me again

    Who knows what they want..ive tried going after her again and i just get cut down........i have no idea dude im fully confused :ugh so just live ur life i suppose